Happy New Year, and a Goodbye

pb_bride · January 2015

Happy New Year to all the PAIFers. I'm sorry I haven't been around for the past few months. One of my NY's resolution is to get on the PAIF board to say goodbye to you all.

M turned 2 in November and I'm still a SAHM. He is (mostly) a joy to be with, and I'm grateful for every single day I get to spend with him. DH and I have decided not to try for #2 for a variety of reasons. I came to accept this painful decision over the past 6 months or so. We had one frozen embryo from IVF#1 (which was successful with M). We tried to transfer the embryo last Spring but it did not survive the thaw. I was angry and sad for several months, and gradually worked on my feelings. I am 41 and I don't want to go through another fresh cycle (even though it'll be covered by insurance). I cannot handle the demands on me physically and emotionally, nor can I handle the (potential) disappointments. Back in October I gave away M's baby clothes to a friend of mine, who gave birth to a boy a month later. It was the start of my "healing process" per se, to let go of the hopes and dreams of having another child. Most days I'm fine with the decision, but at times I still feel guilty for not trying hard enough to give M a sibling. Not only he'll be a single child, he also will have no first cousins (my own brother and my husband's sister both do not want children).

One reason I stop coming here is because I don't feel I belong anymore. Please believe me that I am happy for every single one of you who are pg again and have a #2 or #3. My core group of mom friends are either pregnant or have recently given birth. I feel left out at playdates when they talk about morning sickness, and I feel left behind. I'm still happy for them but there are days I just want to be away from pregnant people.

I have LOVED every minute that I spent on SAIF in the past 2 years (plus the 9 months I was on PAIF before that). I have received so much advice and support from all of you. And even just being able to come here to vent about anything without being judged. I am sad to leave here but I feel it is time to say goodbye and good luck to you all. Last but not least, THANK YOU for being there when I needed you. I will miss every single one of you.

Not sure if it works but I'm trying to attach a pic of M here (taken on his birthday in november)

kmc84 · January 2015

You will be missed PB! Your reasons for leaving are solid reasons and I hope that it helps you to continue to heal. I wish you nothing but the best! Enjoy M! He is adorable ❤

TJ1979 · January 2015

Hey girl. I'm glad to see you one last time. I fully understand your reasons for leaving, but I am very sad to say goodbye. I'm sorry that you are in this position right now. IF is so unfair. Trust that M will be loved and have a wonderful life, even if he is an only child with no first cousins. He will have lots of friends and he has you. He will not miss out.

Big hugs to you dearie, and I will be (and have been) thinking about you often. Have a wonderful life.

And you know, you're always welcome back for any reason.

imoverit · January 2015

Omg he's soooooo cute. Hugs mama. You will definitely be missed. I hope you are able to fully heal and find peace in all of this.

Mrs.AmyDylan · January 2015

Hugs, PB. I was wondering where you had gone off, just thought you had gotten busy with the holidays and M's birthday.

Many hugs and high fives to you as you continue your mama journey. M is a lucky dude, sibling or not! It is hard feeling left behind for various reason, here or IRL.

Thank you for taking a moment to say goodbye. I think that is very classy. It makes me sad when we "lose" our fellow SAIF pals without a whisper.

I very much appreciated your advice both on PAIF and here on SAIF. Because M is a few weeks older than J, you always had great bits of advice!

Much love and blessings to you.

(PM me if you want to be FB friends, but I also respect your privacy since this is the internets and all!)

Saraevh · January 2015

Just dropping a note to say I think of you from time to time, PB! I pop in every now and then to see what's going on with those I'm familiar with and I did notice not seeing you around lately!

I can reassure you that speaking from someone who is an only child who has amazing parents, has always been surrounded by a supportive family, and as someone who has always had lots of friends, M won't need a sibling to know how much he is loved and cared about! I know saying that won't make it easier for you to deal with right now, but please know he won't grow up feeling like he is missing anything because he has YOU and all the others who love him in his life.

All the best to you and your family! Take care.

mnj05 · January 2015

I'm sorry it's been such a rough time for you. I understand the need to step back and I wish you all the best.

JBDamonM · January 2015

@pb_bride, this makes me so incredibly sad, both on a selfish level because I always enjoyed you but also because I hate that your heart is hurting so much. I however also completely understand. Huge hugs. You will be missed.

Ruthie04 · January 2015

Thank you for coming and checking in. I know many of us had been missing you. While I have twins, I understand feeling left out with friends having babies/ getting pregnant. My SAHM group is changing rapidly and it's so hard to feel left behind. We want more children, but won't be visiting the RE again. So, it's unlikely we will have more. Having beat IF once, but not being able to control one's family size is just IF's parting gift to us, it seems. It all just sucks so much.

I'm so sorry to see you go, but totally understand. Sending nothing but good thoughts to you and your family.

phishgirl29 · January 2015

Hugs pb. I will miss seeing you around here, but I understand where you're coming from. Take care of yourself and M!!

ccam · January 2015

It sounds like you're doing what's best for you, but you'll still be missed. Wishing you all the best! Hugs @pb_bride‌

Gregermis · January 2015

((hugs)) its a very hard decision, but you have to do what is best for you. We'll miss you!

MAbride0808 · January 2015

Sorry to see you go. I'm sure that was a very difficult decision to make. ((hugs))

CarrieB. · January 2015

I'm so sorry PB. It can be difficult to be on this board when you are not TTC. I also just gave away all my baby clothes today and I know it's rough. Wishing you all the best.

Mayzie15 · January 2015

Your little boy is adorable. I'm sorry your leaving this board but understand why. You've really thought about it and it's what's best for you and your family. I appreciate all the advice and support along the way and I will miss you. Take care of yourself.

mdiblasi10 · January 2015

I am sad to see you leave, but I completely understand. Thank you for checking in. Big hugs and best wishes!

pb_bride · January 2015

I want to thank every one of you who took the time to write. I'm tearing up as I read each of your replies. You have no idea how much it means to me. It's funny how I get so much support from you all instead of people I know IRL (I don't talk much about IF to my friends, and even the ones I do, they don't get it.)

I am SO HAPPY to see so many of you who are pg right now - I know it's been a difficult journey for all of you. Good luck to you all and I'll try to lurk every now and then just to see what you are all up to!

Julie21613 · January 2015

@pb_bride, I'm so sorry you are hurting. But know that you will be giving your little guy the best life possible. He will not lack for not having a sibling or 1st cousins. You will be missed. Hope your heart heals. Hugs

Aegis2005 · January 2015

I only pop in once in awhile as well, but completely understand as we're also OAD - which isn't my preference but it is what it is.

Best of luc.k to you in the healing process.

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