CP: in-law questions

RMSteele · December 2014

Voting that MIL invites herself but she lives 2 states away so it's always a planned trip. She tells us when she can take time off of work and then we help narrow down what days she will be here. That said, we love when she visits! I seriously hit the MIL jackpot. I joke with H that I want a wife like my MIL. My mom on the other hand used to live closer and worked in town so she would pop in randomly and not always at the most convenient times.

bhjones1980 · December 2014

My MIL showed up in the labor room.... LABOR ROOM!

After finally we got her to leave before I started pushing, she was back about 30 minutes after DS was born.

If I remember correctly she came back the next morning as well....

no they dont wait for invitations.

wendy46001 · December 2014

I'll start with my In-laws are generally nice people, flaky but nice. I played the bad guy a lot when we were first married and after DD came along. They struggle with the idea that they need to call and make plans with us before coming over. They live 45min away and after almost ten years of marriage we still have to remind MIL that calling and saying your on your way is not making plans.

After my one SIL had a party in the delivery room and the other had in-laws peeking around the curtain while she pushed DH and I decided to call once DD arrived.

We had the nice stress free birth we wanted and just told them, it all happened so quickly.

This time my mother will meet us at the hospital to pick up DD, if we have time we'll drop her off but same plan as before we'll call you all when its "time" (aka time for you to visit)

lizjennings81 · December 2014

Both my parents and ILs live far enough away that a visit has to be planned. But my ILs don't really visit us -- they drop by as they're passing through to see other people. I can't remember one time they've come to DC just to see my husband.

For baby visits, ILs are waiting on an invite (my parents get first dibs). I also suspect that the visits will become side trips again as they lose interest in the baby (FIL needs to be the center of attention and he hates kids, which is why they don't really visit their own).

michelle142 · December 2014

SS: My in-laws are awesome. My MIL drops by uninvited sometimes, but 99% of the time she brings food, so she's forgiven.

Beth.1212 · December 2014

misshart00 said:

racheltherose said:

@misshart00‌ I'm hoping that's the compromise... I have a feeling they'll want to come in and see me when I'm miserable and too grumpy to put on my happy face

Use your awesome nurses to your advantage. They'll usually be the bad guys for you and ask people to leave because they "have to check something."

I second this. You are the patient and have every right to decide who gets to be in the delivery room. The hospital staff will not let anyone in that you tell them to keep out. L&D isn't a spectator sport, it's a challenging event to say the least, and everyone around you should be doing what they can to make it as easy / low stress on you as possible. If your relatives (by blood or law) are doing anything else, then they're the ones in the wrong. Don't let them make you feel guilty.

Last time I let people wait in the waiting room and visit once we were in recovery. That made it hard to do the first nursing - people stayed so long that LO was really sleepy by the time we were alone. I'm not sure what I'll do this time. Tell people they can come in for just a few but then have to wait until I'm done nursing for a longer visit, maybe.

missmarissa0527 · December 2014

We live on the same street as my in-laws. I have been telling my MIL from the get-go that my husband and I are the only ones in the delivery room. He is a super momma's boy so getting him on my team about that was hard enough, but when I said no visitors at home for the first few days he and I got into a huge fight about it. He was raised super close to family and everyone does everything. Mine wasn't like that at all. But the closer we get, the more he realizes that my son and I are now his immediate family. At Christmas the other day, he was alone with his mom and he told her again she couldn't be in the delivery room (which she was upset but will get over it), and he also told her we didn't want visitors for a few days unless they were invited. She said she understood. I was just so proud of him for finally standing up to her and telling her how it is, instead of letting her do whatever she wants. I have told her at least 15 times to call before she shows up. She finally started to get the memo when she showed up unannounced while we were "busy" in the living room and I was so mad I told her that to her face. THAT'S why you're supposed to call first! And I definitely don't want to have my boob out feeding my son and have his whole family showing up without notice. I just want to try to figure this out ourselves. We can always call for help if we need it, but it's harder to ask someone to leave.

emilyz320 · December 2014

I feel seriously lucky I have my in laws after reading some of these posts! They are wonderful people who are very sweet, loving, generous and understand social boundaries!

lizzybean · December 2014

My inlaws live 3000 miles away. I am due February 14. I told them I would like them to fly down around the 20th. Try are flying down the 11th. Ummmmm. Well, it's not my problem if they leave and the baby hasn't been born yet!! I really hope she has been though, I really don't want my inlaws staying with us while I am overdue. Ugh.

SquirrelsRWatching · December 2014

MommyOfAMiracle said:

My MIL knows to call before she comes over, for now. I am really hoping that it doesn't change when LO gets here. I hope EVERYONE asks before they come over. I really dislike uninvited visitors.

Yeah, I don't need visitors popping over while I'm hanging out of my maternity tank top with dishes piled high in the sink and spitup on my pajamas at 3 in the afternoon.

Thankfully my inlaws are very hands off. Plus we visit them once a week as it is, so they'll see their grandson plenty! It's my nosy neighbor I'm worried about...

tinyhumantoe · December 2014

misshart00 said:

My inlaws have chosen to ignore my request to wait to come visit us at the hospital until my husband and I have had time alone with him. They said they will come up basically when I'm in labor and intend to stay so they can come see him asap. Whenever I bring up waiting, they get REALLY upset about it and say they're gonna be there regardless. Oh..okay..
They'll at least be in the waiting room right?

Dude, don't call them and tell you're heading to the hospital unless you absolutely have to for some reason. When things start moving, maybe then call.

I was worried about this with mine with DD1 and DH really felt hurt that I didn't want to tell them, so I caved and he called them when we were headed in. FIL dropped MIL off at the hospital then drove 2 hours home, so she was like....stuck there with no way home.

Then I labored for hours and hours and she sat in the room and talked my face off the whole effing time while DH napped. She didn't even stfu when I was puking. I wanted to murder someone. A nurse finally kicked her out after 9ish hours because I am spineless and didn't have the balls to speak up. When DD1 was finally born, there were 10 people outside of my door trying to get in while I had my tits out. They almost got kicked out of the hospital.

So this time DH agrees that we will only call my sister to come get DD1, and he can call everyone when a leg is sticking out or after. I am going to be up front that I want 30-60 min with her after she's born to try to get her to latch. Talk about pressure when you can hear uncle steve asking to get in.

tinyhumantoe · December 2014

My inlaws are over all the freaking time. I "plan" to just be rude and go upstairs to lay down. Easier said than done, because I will probably be the only one home when they come by and they 'pop in' after a 45 min drive over, so it's hard to just send them away.

I will just have to act like I'm feeling ill. People don't consider that it's an inconvenience to be popped in on - like I want to sit on the sofa with FIL with my leaky tit t-shirt, or excuse myself to go take 15 minutes to change my pad, peri warm water on my sore vag, and put new tucks pads in my crack. I just want to be left alone.

My general unsolicited advice to anyone who is like me... a total pushover..... Be careful!

I ended up in the worst depression of my life due to visitors because I am too much of a pansy to speak up and DH didn't have my back. People park their asses at your house for hours. I wasn't good at getting them to leave. It wasn't that I was just tired, I had some pretty gnarly woman issues going on and of course some obscure relative was always there the one time a day I thought I could actually poop.

I am praying that nobody cares about the second baby. I feel like I'm in a better place mentally, so it will be interesting to see how much of my first time woes were due to severe depression.

mamabisme · December 2014

racheltherose said:
My inlaws have chosen to ignore my request to wait to come visit us at the hospital until my husband and I have had time alone with him. They said they will come up basically when I'm in labor and intend to stay so they can come see him asap. Whenever I bring up waiting, they get REALLY upset about it and say they're gonna be there regardless. Oh..okay..

I would choose not to tell her until the baby is here AND you are ready for visitors. I had to do this with my own mother. Unfortunately, despite my explaining that the birth and first moments after were something I was only comfortable sharing with DH, she informed me that she would be there regardless and would be in the room.

When I ended up being induced I simply didn't tell her. It was a long process that ended in a csection the next day. I didn't check my phone at all through the whole ordeal but when it was all over I had like 15 missed calls and a bunch of texts. Apparently, she had texted somewhere in there and when I didn't reply she suspected something was going on.

I couldn't even deal with her at that moment so I had DH call her and let her know baby was here and we were all ok. He asked her to respect my request to not come for the first hour (I was not even in a real room yet- still in recovery) but she told him she was coming immediately anyway. We asked the nurses not to let anyone in without telling us first but that didn't work either. Within 5 minutes of getting in to my room, in comes mom. She was very upset with us and it was drama I certainly didn't need at that time. I had been through a very difficult birth and brought directly in to all that. It was so stressful and she also refused to leave when nurses came to clean me up, check incision, etc.

mom2xover2002 · January 2015

After reading all these IL stories I'm glad for a "nazi" L&D unit. No one can come back to room unless they first have their photo taken (have to have a picture id with you) and the code that is on the mom's id bracelet. No unexpected visitors for me. Beside DH knows I'll kill him if his mom or his sister is in the room. I have enough on my plate to deal with MIL swearing all the time and his sister touching everything and complaining to leave or texting DH's dad whats going on and that whole drama.

reneamac313 · January 2015

My in laws live around 11 hours away so we are always aware of when they are planning on making a visit. They insist on staying in a hotel so that definitely makes things much, much easier. They are as big on having their own personal space as we are.

[Deleted User] · January 2015

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CatLadyTX · January 2015

Our parents all live on the other side of the country. FIL was severely butthurt when we said he wasn't invited for the birth of DS, but we agreed that it wasn't fair and told everybody no. He was lucky though, and I had DS on the day he was supposed to go home after Thanksgiving, so he extended his stay and was up in my space all day every day while I was in the hospital. He lives alone and is really bad at taking social cues, and throws toddler sized tantrums when you tell him something he doesn't want to hear, so he just never went away unless visiting hours were over.

This time, to be fair my mom was invited down. She will be here mostly to take care of DS, but DH will relieve her for a few hours every day so she can come see the baby while I'm recovering from my c/s. She is coming out the weekend before my RCS, just in case I go in to labor early, and staying for a week and a half after the date. FIL is already asking to book his ticket, I made it clear that he has to wait a few days after my mom leaves, and that he cannot stay as long as she does. He is the kind of guest that we need to cater to, and won't help with DS at all. I cannot handle that for two weeks. He can stay for s week, max.

mommaa1615 · January 2015

Ahhh all these stories are making me nervous. My MIL is not my favorite person but she is also my back up plan to bring me to hospital if DH is working. I am praying he will be home with me so we can avoid that. She has no filter and no heart..the last person id want with me. Ughhh

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