Pregnant again and scared - SN advice needed

bethann3181 · December 2014

I am not a regular poster here, but have gotten some great advice from this board over the years regarding DS1 and am really struggling now and need either some support or a slap in the face

DS1 (4.5) has an anxiety and Language Processing Disorder diagnosis, and we are looking at possible ASD. We JUST finalized his IEP a month ago, and the support in place for him seems like it's going to be great for he remainder of his preschool year. Next year, he'll be in kindie, and we're moving, so we'll have to start this process over with the new school district.

He is a sweet boy at his core, but his default emotion on a daily basis is so negative. I feel like I always have to be "on" to make or keep him happy and even keel. This morning I was in the shower when he woke up - he came in to the bathroom and I said "good morning!". He had an absolute meltdown that I wasn't downstairs ready to make breakfast. Not because he was hungry, but his ritual was thrown off because he woke up earlier than usual. He also struggles to sit still and focus on any task at hand, and is ALWAYS seeking my or DH's attention. When I try to have conversations with him, most of the time he responds by reciting TV show lines. He truly exhausts me, and there are many days that although I love him very much, I don't like him, his attitude, and the way he seems to make normal, and a lot of times fun, situations difficult and complicated. I know many of you can relate.

I also have a DS2 (2.5) who is very opposite. He is adaptable and easy going. I'm grateful for the balance he brings into our lives.

I just got a VERY surprising BFP (our birth control failed), and am scared and feeling really depressed over it. We were "done" and DH was planning on a vasectomy next year. The daily craziness of being a mom with two kids and works aside, I find managing DS1 and his support (maybe this will prove to settle down soon, but so far it's been two years of constant struggles with the PA EI and IU units and getting the right support in place, and we'll have to do it again in the fall next year when we move and he enters into a new district in K) to be more than a part time job. I'm also struggling myself with an eating disorder, which I'm sure is lending to my overwhelm.

I don't have the bandwidth for another SN child. I am grateful that DS2 has been more mainstream so far. DS1 was a crappy sleeper, nurser, eater, you name it. Then with his severe speech delay, we knew there was something not right. I am so overwhelmed by the thought of another SN child that I have thought about not continuing the pregnancy, which absolutely shocks me and makes me so sad.

I know there are plenty of people who have more on their plates, handle it, and feel blessed. I feel awful and selfish, but the thought of a potential additional SN child makes me feel absolutely trapped.

Was anyone else scared to have another baby after a SN child? Will this feeling ease? Is the likelihood of having another SN child higher since we already have one? I don't know. Any words of advice/wisdom? Thank you.

Junebug060609 · December 2014

bethann3181 said:
I am not a regular poster here, but have gotten some great advice from this board over the years regarding DS1 and am really struggling now and need either some support or a slap in the face

Was anyone else scared to have another baby after a SN child? Will this feeling ease? Is the likelihood of having another SN child higher since we already have one? I don't know. Any words of advice/wisdom? Thank you.

Yup. I was terrified. Still am, honestly. I was hanging on by a thin thread with the initial news about DS...I'd be crushed, at least initially, to hear the same about DD...then I'd be overwhelmed at the prospect of doubling the number of therapists, IEPs, etc. Of course I'd adjust, but it's a process. To be honest, I'm scared of DDs 2nd year as it's when things became abundantly clear with DS (asd, but about as happy and adaptable as can be). Yes the chances are higher of another asd or related thing since there's a sibling on spectrum.

Breathe. Take it one day at a time.

veggieroll · December 2014

Hugs. I would probably have similar feelings. I'd be apprehensive about dealing with DS and another child at the same time. Right now, we're considering being OAD, at least until we know more about what DS's delays are and what his childhood is going to be like. On the other hand, I think a lot of our problems with dealing with DS and his delays were just not knowing what was going on and what he needed. So if we had another SN child, I think it would be a bit easier just knowing the process to take. I've heard that people with autism in the family have a higher chance of having a child with it, but I haven't met anyone with more than one child with ASD yet.

CCinLove · December 2014

Big hugs. I get where you're coming from. DH and I planned to have 3 children, actually started TTC #3, and then decided not to continue because of the concerns of having another child with special needs. We built a house for 3 kids, narrowed down names for #3, and moved all of the baby stuff in preparation. Ultimately, my fear of having a child more severely effected than my son outweighed the fact that our family really wasn't complete. I hate that it comes to that, and that any of us have to make these decisions.

Good luck to you. Do you have a therapist that you can talk to?

MaxandRuby · December 2014

I don't post here a lot, have 2 sons with the 2nd being SN (he is 5 with CP - I considerate it moderate). I am currently 21wk pregnant. Yes I was/am scared of having another SN child. DS2 CP was a fluke (clot where the umbilical cord and placenta met) and I am told that the chance of that happening again is slim to none; however, in my little anxiety ridden mind it can happen again. I am also AMA (I am 41 and will be damn near 42 when I deliver). This was a surprise/not a surprise pregnancy as we were not trying/were not preventing (TMI - pull out method). We are so far, so good on this pregnancy. Harmony test came back with 1:10K odds for the trisomies and I just had a growth scan today and baby is right on track with growth, weight, and measurements. Due to my age and the fact that I have a SN son (the reasons why), I am being monitored quite a bit through this pregnancy. This brings me great relief as my anxiety starts to kick in after 1.5-2wk post appointment. I am currently seen by an OB and a perinatologist. To be honest, I don't think I have the bandwidth for another SN child but in the end if that is what happens then I will deal. Since DS2 has physical disabilities, I am quite overwhelmed when I think too far in the future as to how am I supposed to maneuver a wheelchair (his is manual and we are working on improving his skills) and a full grocery cart, in what order do I put in/take out the children in the car, how in the hell do I manage a Target run with 3 kids, will wearing the baby interfere with getting DS2 into/out of his wheelchair, etc. Those things are relatively minor and once I figure out a routine it won't matter. We will also be doing a military move 3mos or so after baby's arrival so I have that to anticipate as well.

I'm rambling but wanted to state that we all worry about things (big and little) and that there is no guaranty of a SN or non-SN child. It is so hard not to be scared though and I feel you in the worry department. Whatever you decide will be the right choice for you. Unfortunately, I have no ASD experience to pull from so I do not have any experience or advice on that front. I hope that you have a support system and you can always come here. :-) Have you talked to a genetic counselor yet?

ToastieSimons · December 2014

DS2 was our surprise. We got DS1's diagnosis the day after my BFP. This meant DS2 had a 50/50 chance of having the same issues (hypertonia, seizures, intellectual disability, etc).

I spent most of my pregnancy in a panic and convincing myself that the new baby would be NT. Part of me wishes I had gotten an amnio and confirmed either way, but I didn't.

at 8 weeks old DS2 was diagnosed with the same thing. The grief process x2 was SOOOO much harder. With DS1 it was such a relief in a sense to find out what was going on. and to have a reason for all the issues. Yet, DS2 was a much easier baby and less affected. All I could feel like is that this is what was going to GIVE him issues. I felt completely isolated and worn out.

2.5 years later, for the most part, we're in a groove. I have 2 kids with significant delays but we make the most of it. And once DS1 and DS2 start school full time it will be much easier.

Sometimes I feel trapped, isolated and alone. Most people don't have 2 kids with severe needs, most don't have the magnitude of risk with each pregnancy.

and I know there are always other people out there that have it worse, BUT DON'T TELL YOURSELF THAT.

You are trivializing and invalidating the struggles you go through on a daily basis. That type of thinking led me to self depreciating. I always thought, I could do better. People have it so much harder and are better at this. I'm not good enough, etc.

But the truth is, no matter what struggle you are in the midst of, it's HARD. It's SCARY.

:::hugs:::

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