cost-benefit of IVF

tweetyknicks · December 2014

*** kids mentioned, hypothetical and real ***

How often do you wonder if having kids is worth the trouble of IVF? What do you tell yourself when you question your decision?

Kids are messy, whiny, expensive, and needy. And they turn into teenagers who can be like adult-size toddlers. DH's sons often drive me nuts, though to be fair one has Asperger's and the other is a recovering drug addict and they get along as well as oil and water.

Kids are also cute, cuddly, and can grow up to be great people (i.e. a reward that I've heard is worth all the work you put into raising them).

BootsOrHearts · December 2014

All worth it. :-)

sundaybrunch · December 2014

I do tend to get so focused on the getting pregnant and having a baby phase that I tend to forget that's only the tip of the iceberg. All in all though it's worth it; the good days will more than make up for the bad days

tweetyknicks · December 2014

** adult children mentioned **

@nariadreaming @rainbowbridge14 Yeah, don't have that drive to continue the family. Irish and German heritage are not exactly rare :-P. DH has two sons already and my brother, who will pass on my maiden name if he has a son, has two daughters.

I think DH is looking forward to an opportunity to raise kids the way he wanted to. His ex is a mess and largely the reason at least one of his sons has problems.

Our ages (DH will be 54 this month and I will be 30) dictate against waiting any longer to have kids, especially if we want more than one. I would love to devote a year or two to just being a couple while his sons live independent of us. I guess I'm mourning the loss of that opportunity and I kind of blame his younger son for usurping the peace and happiness of the first year and a half (or more) of our marriage (and a couple of years before we got married too). I don't want to lose that again by having more kids, though I keep reminding myself that our kids are unlikely to be like DH's adult son(s).

ETA: I suppose I'm processing why I have mixed feelings about IVF and kids even though I always thought I wanted kids.

SweetieShellieH · December 2014

All I've ever wanted is to have kids. So even when I hear people complain about theirs, all I think about is how I wish I had kids to complain about.

Also, my DH is adopted, so he has no blood relatives in his life at all. All his knows of his blood line is that his birth mother was Italian, 19 years old, adopted as well, and wanted a career working with animals (probably where my DH gets his love for animals). His birth father was in his 30s, Nicaraguan, was from the USA, and left Canada to go back to the USA when he found out he KU his birth mother. I want to to be able to give him the gift of someone who is truly a physical part of him. Not that it lessens his adoptive family or anything like that. They are his family, blood not required. Heck, if it wasn't for his mom, we'd never have been able to pay for IVF. But I still really really want to give having biological children the best shot we possibly can.

Cindal · December 2014

I think this process because it is so difficult and tiresome and painful in such myriad ways makes us question how bad we could ever want anything enough to go through it willingly.
I know when I'm having bad days I question alot of things like will I be a good mom, maybe there's a reason we shouldn't have kids, etc. etc. And at least on my part some of it has to do with attempting to make peace with the situation ahead of time if for some reason it does not work and we have to live child-free. If I can convince some small part of me that it's not the complete loss I see it as now....

vballbaby · December 2014

I feel kinda selfish and stuck in my ways also. Play volleyball on the weekends, sleep late since I work from home. Living the life really. I spent 12 years in my first marriage raising my step daughter, who really treated me like crap, and I mean shit, during her teens years. I always loved her but couldn't help to wonder if I'd love my own bio children any differently. I admit to say that I feel like I will. My DH is also the only boy on his fathers side so I guess part of me doesn't want to deprive him of children. We've been back and forth. Some says we say f it, when we're living it up and doing what we want. Other days it's all babies and rainbows. Lol. There's definitely a push and pull. I've never been that woman that can't wait to have kids, can't imagine her life without kids etc. I can totally envision a life with kids or without.

CML11 · December 2014

I can't ever remember not wanting to be a mom, it's what I have always envisioned. The thought that this is the only way it can happen is unsettling.

It will all be worth it in the end, I hope!

katers79 · December 2014

I've never pictured my future and NOT seen kiddos. It's always been a given.

The cost of raising them scares the bejesus out of me. Esp since were already spending $$$ on conceiving when it's free for most of the general population.

vballbaby · December 2014

Yea I kinda feel like having to go through ivf sucks the life out of it in a way. The trying part, and feeling like you're making a baby out of love, well kinda isn't there haha. Guess we all have to overlook that step. Of course they are still made out of love because of our mutual desires but I think someone could relate to that statement. I think bottom line it's all just a bit frustrating so we start questioning ourselves. I know if a get a bfp I'll probably feel differently. Donor egg brings up another whole set of emotions (not doing that this ivf). Prob because I've already been down the road of raising a child half my husbands and not mine biologically. I'm not so sure I could or would want to go that route. Ok enough of the downside. I think I'm starting to spiral, where's my cocktail?

KM721 · December 2014

I'm glad this thread exists. I haven't heard other women talk about this very much, and I appreciate everyone's honesty.

I am sad to read things here like insecurities about being a bad mom or it not being "meant to be" for someone to have kids...and I'm mostly sad because I HAVE THOSE THOUGHTS TOO! The one about us being not intended to have kids is my biggest demon. It goes away for stretches of time, but then it comes back...always comes back. I really think that IF is just so drawn out and awful that it allows these demons to fester. Think about all the women who decided to try (or didn't even make it that far) and end up pregnant. Certainly some of them were not "meant" to have children at that moment, and I know we have all seen our fair share of selfish (or worse) mothers. I think the IF monster is taking over when we have those thoughts.

On the other hand, I think it is totally reasonable to consider if this is "worth it." In our case, I know we will have children. If we are unable to conceive, we will move down the line of interventions such as DS or DE if needed, and then move to adoption. So, for me, it's more about the cost benefit of the physical and emotional pain of going through treatments rather than pursuing other options. Yikes. A lot to think about.

browncoatjr · December 2014

I keep hearing that the good outweighs the bad in raising children. Also, my husband and I both want to pass on the genes and continue our families (as others have already said). I think it will both give us a sense of purpose in our lives that might otherwise not be there. Lastly, if I don't try IVF at least once, I know I'd be kicking myself later in life wondering if it would have worked. (Here's hoping it does. ::fingers crossed::)

aliciafiggy · December 2014

After two unsuccessful IVFs and going into a frozen embryo transfer that has been dragging along for two months now, I can say I think of this often too. If you asked me two years ago if I would do ANYTHING to have kids, my answer would be "YES!" When I am having a really bad day these thoughts often come to my mind. Is this worth it? All the money, sadness, and risk I'm putting my body through. On good days, I think Of course!

I do think this process will make us better mothers in the long run. How could we not appreciate our children more after we've been through so much? I hope it's worth it!

tifga · December 2014

Loss mentioned

@BlueJoan I have the same thoughts a lot miscarriage really screws with your head.

I heard someone say something that stuck with me after her loss. She was a mother the day she conceived and losing her baby did change that but it left her without anything to mother and that is what hurt the most, being a mother and no one to mother.

That is how I feel a lot of the time.

tweetyknicks · December 2014

@sweetieshellieh I think MH wants kids that are not genetically half of a woman he despises.

@rainbowbridge14 I considered a therapist. I tried two. One was out of network (which I didn't realize until I got the bill--ouch!) and the other was completely unhelpful. Besides, IF anxiety is not the biggest problem I've had in the last year or two.

@cindal That may be part of it. I took the IVF#1 failure kind of hard.

@lemonliz@vballbabyYep, I want time to be selfish with my time and energy. I want a break from cleaning up after kids. Maybe I won't mind it as much with small children or with my own children? Btw, health class LIED about how babies are made!

@murrt I've seen children turn adults into better people. I hope that is the case.

@cml11 Me too!

@katers79 I never pictured not having kids. Recent experience has made me reconsider, though I think I've seen some of the worst things that can happen.

@k1111k FX! I could use some good news too.

@km721 I don't ascribe to the suppose to/not supposed to happen idea. It's kind of like Yoda--do or do not, except in this case it's will or will not happen. I do not know what DH and I will do if for some reason IVF fails completely. DS or DE take away the genetically ours part, but it would allow me to experience the pregnancy at least.

@cokiebear IF comes with lots of ups and downs. I try to focus on the ups and keep busy when I get down. Easier said than done.

@browncoatjr I've heard that the good outweighs the bad too. I'm trusting the people who have told me that to help carry me through my doubts about having kids at all. I've seen too much of the bad recently.

@bluejoan No problem. This is a good place to air concerns to reassure yourself and also to reassure others who have thought the same things. If MC were a sign that you'd be a bad mom, what about all the bad moms out there? Why did they not miscarry? Does not compute :-)

@aliciafiggy I hope this struggle will make us better mothers. That's a nice thought that there could be some benefit.

@tifga "A mother with no one to mother..." that sounds like a good sound bite to describe the sense of loss.

SweetieShellieH · December 2014

**loss mentioned**

********drug abuse + preg/baby mentioned beware********

The whole bad mom thing I try not to let eat me up. Some days I think maybe that's why and I let it get to me. But then there are other days like on Friday while I was at work in the lab at the hospital, I was handed a drug report on an newborn's hair sample to enter into the computer. This little baby's mother exposed her unborn baby to the horrible things she entered into her body, and all I could think of is "How come she got a baby and I don't? I didn't do drugs and I had a m/c. Why do I have to work so hard to get something some ppl hurt so easily" Now from what I hear that baby is now is CPS. But things like that make me really angry at the universe.

All of us here, we'd all be good moms, and will be. I know it. None of us would be fighting this battle if we wouldn't.

AngM123 · December 2014

Loss mentioned

I've been taking our recent cp pretty hard. It really sucks we got so excited seeing those positive pregnancy tests and then just like that it was over. It has affected our rock solid marriage, as I don't understand why DH isnt as sad as me, or wants to just brush it under the rug. Now I realize I am being crazy and he deserves to grieve in his own way. But my point is, our life has revolved around IF for two years. It has ruined our social life, it has ruined us financially, I can no longer focus and perform at my job like I used to, it is starting to hurt our marriage, and it has made me the most angry, bitter, jealous, sad woman that I never imagined I would be. It has sucked the happiness out of many things. I think I would be crazy to NOT question if this is worth it. And we do. And we wonder if we could live a life of fun and traveling the world. Some days I think I could because it has to be better than this constant disappointment, and some days the thought of not having children is literally paralyzingly and I don't know how I would move on in life. It's a constant mind fuck for me.

KM721 · December 2014

@SweetieShellieH--My RE said something to me like that at our recent appointment. He was trying to say that this isn't my fault. That there are women that abuse their bodies before and during pregnancy and they still get pregnant, and I, who am healthier than many people, cannot. That's right when I started crying. Totally not fair that those who abuse their bodies get pregnant and we don't.

@AngM123--I am in your boat. I have recently gotten to that place where I am considering if it is worth it. I think it will be if it works obviously, but I focus now on trying to do everything I can to eliminate doubt and regret later on if we don't have children. (i.e., did I do everything I could? Try every approach?) This is so hard, and I can also relate about the marriage stuff. We have been married 2.5 years, and since then we have experienced the diagnosis, illness, and death of my father, two major and two minor surgeries for my husband, and our infertility diagnosis and 3 rounds of failed IVF since May. Honestly, I don't know how we are even as okay in our marriage as we are. I try to remember that it's a marathon in marriage and this is just a rough stretch.

AngM123 · December 2014

@KM721‌ wow you have been through a lot in a very short time. As if IF and IVF isn't enough to deal with, you are thrown a million other challenges to wade through. Im very sorry to hear about your father and his passing. Dealing with that on top of everything else is heartbreaking. My mother has been on her death bed numerous times during our journey following a stage 4 cancer diagnosis 4 years ago. It has been exhausting in its self worrying about her, let alone our situation. I don't know about you, but it's one more reason I'm angry at the world. I know life's not fair, and it's something I'm trying very hard to accept....but damn, it's hard

tweetyknicks · December 2014

KM721 said:

I focus now on trying to do everything I can to eliminate doubt and regret later on if we don't have children. (i.e., did I do everything I could? Try every approach?)

This is what drives a lot of my difficult decisions.

tweetyknicks · December 2014

@bluejoan I'm really glad this thread has been helpful.

KM721 · December 2014

@AngM123--Thanks for your sympathy. My dad also had Stage 4 cancer, but it was diagnosed a short 4 months before his passing, so we had a very condensed version of what you're going through. I am sorry to hear that you're struggling with this too. Life is absolutely not fair. I am doing my best to believe that our luck will turn, but hasn't yet.

@tweetyknicks--Yes, I'm learning that this is a better approach than just freaking out and wanting to be pregnant months ago. If I can truly give this all I have and try everything, we can move on to donors or to adoption knowing it is how we will become parents. Tough road, but it's the one we have to travel!

LAO12 · December 2014

Hi everyone

****loss mentioned and BFP****

tweetyknicks for starting this thread. FX for your FET on 1/8. I will be thinking about you!

tweetyknicks · December 2014

@lao12 Thanks. It helps to hear the good side from someone who had to deal with IF and was ambivalent about kids before. I've had people IRL tell me that it is worth it, but most of them don't understand how difficult IF treatment is (except DH).

Want a personalized experience?

cost-benefit of IVF

Re: cost-benefit of IVF

Choose Another Board

Search Boards