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Morena Mama · December 2014

I really don't know how to start this. I was led to this board by a lady from my original birth club board and I'm hoping maybe this will help me find some closure or sanity or whatever it is I'm looking for right now. My son, Nathaniel Leon Homolka, came into this world stillborn 12 days ago. We laid him to rest 6 days ago. I feel like I have been losing my mind ever since. I have four children (9, 8, 2, and 1) that I have to hold myself together for, but most days I just want to fall apart.

Any advice on how to parent while going through this is greatly appreciated. Thank you for reading this.

lexusolsen · December 2014

I'm so sorry for your loss. I think it is important for your older children to see you grieving. They are grieving too, in their own age appropriate ways. Unless you are uncontrollably sobbing (which is also fine but might require someone else to watch the other children) it should be fine. Explain to them that you are sad, that you miss Nathaniel. My dd was in therapy after we lost Ben and the therapist advised us to express ourselves but make sure she felt safe. We found the book "we were going to have a baby but had an angel instead" very helpful. There are several books for kids of various ages.

Please feel free to reach out for support whenever you need.

stefuge · December 2014

I am so sorry for your loss of Nathaniel. No one wants to join this group but we are here whenever you need us. Our son was 3 1/2 when we lost our younger son, and it was hard, and still is, to parent while grieving. I agree that it's important to let yourself feel how you are feeling, and let your children see that. Our older son has had to learn about death and grief a lot earlier than we would have wanted, but we have tried to follow his lead and let him ask questions and talk about his brother as he is ready. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk more, or check out my blog (link in my siggy) where I talk a lot about how we are grieving as a family including the things we have done to help our older son grieve.

jonahsma · December 2014

I'm so sorry for the loss of Nathaniel. The women on this board have been a great source of support for me and I know they will be for you as well. PAL is hard especially when you have little ones. My little ones were 14,15 1&3 when we lost Emily and it was hard to parent them when i felt like I was dying myself. But I did.They have helped me get through it. If it weren't for them I would be in bed in the dark all day long hiding in my room. The y were my reason for getting out of bed in the morning for functioning through the day. I kept repeating in my head that I have to keep going for them, they need me, they need me to be ok for them. I grieved alone, in the shower, in the bathroom, in my bedroom at night and at church. I kept myself busy throughout the day, after all with four kids there really isn't any down time. Any down time I had I was on this board. I don't know if this helps out but this is what I did. Again I'm so sorry that you have to go through this like pp said we are here anytime you need support.

Littleowl913 · December 2014

I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't have any advice but I wanted to let you know my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

dadalou · December 2014

I'm glad you decided to come over. I really think it will help. There is a parenting after a loss check in (PAL) here that you might want to check out. It's hard to be grieving and still be mom to your living children. I will agree with others that it's ok for your kids to see you cry, then they know that it's ok to be sad.

I forgot to tell you before, but I wrote a book for DD after we lost our Nathaniel. I can PM you the manuscript if you would like it.

Mel&John2013 · December 2014

*****siggy warning

I don't have experience parenting after a loss, but wanted to say I'm so very sorry for your loss. I'm glad you found your way to this board, the ladies here are an amazing group and have picked me up and drug me along when I thought I couldn't take another step.

bunnybun4 · December 2014

I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet son.

CC1017 · December 2014

I'm very sorry for the loss of your son Nathaniel. I am only a month out from my loss so I am still trying to figure out parenting while grieving. I have a really hard time balancing the emotions - I feel like I need time and space to grieve, but I don't want to feel guilty for not being present with my son. Overall, I get a lot of comfort from my son, so I am making an effort to be more present and in the moment with him. After he goes to bed I spend a lot of time journaling to help focus on the loss of my daughter and sort through those emotions.

ikrystal · December 2014

**ticker warning**

I don't have any experience with parenting after a loss, but I did want to stop by here and say how sorry I am for your loss. Alot of the ladies have already given good advice, and my prayers and thoughts are with you and your family.

msunshine123 · December 2014

I am so sorry for the loss of your son Nathaniel. I don't have any advice on how to parent after a loss as our son was our only child. But I wanted to say I will be keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. So many hugs to you. This is a great board and it has been a huge help to me and I hope it can be for you too.

MCH77 · December 2014

I'm so sorry for the loss of Nathaniel. My son was 2 1/2 when we lost Timothy. I'd just suggest that you are kind to yourself. I felt so guilty about how I was not engaged with my 2 year old. Looking back I realized the extra hours of tv and frozen meals didn't scar him for life. It didn't even impact him, yet it was so upsetting to me.

((Hugs))

Morena Mama · December 2014

Thank you for the warm welcome from everyone. I greatly appreciate your kindness and your advice.

Morena Mama · December 2014

@dadalou‌ ,I would very much like a copy of the manuscript. I think it would be good for my children and me.

Farrah626 · December 2014

I'm so sorry for the loss of your son. No words are enough now, but we are here for you when you need us. My daughter is only 1, so she is unaware of our loss and explanations, etc. weren't necessary. I guess that'll come later for us. But I did find it hard to be all there for her, especially in the initial weeks following the loss of our son, and it helped to let myself just lose it when I was in the shower, while she was napping, or to take a few minutes for myself in a different room. Keeping you and your family in my prayers.

jenn.schott · December 2014

I am so sorry for your loss of your son. I also do not have any advice about PAL but wanted to send my thoughts and prayers your way. Losing a child is the hardest thing to go through.

CheesyPeas · December 2014

I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I'm a little delayed on jumping into this post but I still wanted to add that you should let yourself grieve however you need. Your kids are dealing with their own grief too, and it's fine for them to see your sadness. As long as they are safe and cared for, call the day a parenting success even if they saw you breaking down multiple times. I felt a lot of guilt for not being a "good enough mom" to my son while dealing with the initial shock and emotions after my loss but ultimately, kids are resilient beings and they'll navigate through the ups and downs and YOUR ups and downs right there with you.

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