What are you taking/leaving from your childhood?

VeganOnTuesdays · December 2014

As we prepare for this baby my H and I find ourselves talking a lot about what we are going to be taking and leaving from our childhood as we raise our kid. What about you ladies?

1. What are you excited to take from your childhood as you parent your own child? This could be parenting techniques, traditions, etc.

2. What have you already put your foot down on what you will be doing completely different than your own childhood?

These can be things from either your or SO's childhood.

VeganOnTuesdays · December 2014

For us:

1. I had a very open relationship with my parents. I hope to create that same kind of relationship with my child. A safe zone. My H and I also have talked a lot about the memories from our childhood that stick out the most and they seem to always be the ones that costed very little to nothing at all. Example: My mom and I would walk to the zoo every Wednesday because it was a free day. And for my H, when he was young (prior to his dad leaving his family) he and his dad would pretend they were explorers along the river looking for treasure. These are our favorite memories and we hope to give our child the same.

2. My H has a lot more than I do in terms of things he would like to do different. His dad left his family when he was 8 yrs old and that is when all family things completely stopped. No dinners together, no more exploring, etc. Unfortunately I sometimes feel as though he THINKS he has more to prove because of this. We will be making a point to have family dinners, game nights, etc. All the things he didn't have.

kac22 · December 2014

1. My family has always had an open dialogue which I definitely want with my LOs. We are very family oriented, having game nights, family dinners and what not and I definitely want to make that happen.

2. The one thing I could say about my mom is I always wished she would have pushed/encouraged me a little more in all aspects of life. For DH's parents, their parenting was a very "because I said so" mentality which is not the parenting style I want at all. I very much believe in having strict boundaries but freedom within them and being able to have discussions with them. I think it's a fine line of they trust you but also respect you. If that makes any sense

VeganOnTuesdays · December 2014

GFJ48 said:

1. What are you excited to take from your childhood as you parent your own child? This could be parenting techniques, traditions, etc. -I plan to talk to my kids like an actual person not a child from very early on. My mom always did this with me. She had actual conversations with me. A lot of parents I know don't speak to their kids because well "they're just kids" how do you expect them to learn?! -I've already said this, but they'll go to church on Sundays & will have to actually pay attention (no toys; no food) -We want to have like Friday or Saturday night pizza, movie, game nights. I always did this with my cousins & it was so much fun. 2. What have you already put your foot down on what you will be doing completely different than your own childhood? -My dad will not be in their life at all -They will have to do chores -Teach them about money & responsibility (something neither of us learned)

That was another one of my favorite memories as a child! My mom, dad, and I would always have Friday night dinners where we would lay out blankets, rent a movie, and camp out in the living room with dinner. Definitely incorporating this as well!

claudizzleriffic · December 2014

I'm not sure why but I immediately thought LEGO when I saw the topic!!

lots and lots of Lego!!

Also, plenty of time playing outdoors and exposing them to a second/third language as early and often as possible.

tinalovescauliflower · December 2014

1. I had incredibly well educated parents who made reading a central part of our lives. This is important to me- I want my child to grow up thinking that books are magical and TV is meh. My parents also always talked to us as though we were real people, and would engage us in conversation at the dinner table, talking about "grown up" topics. There was never a "kids table" for holidays in our house and I loved that.

I also want to emphasize community. We were lucky to have many children out age around, the offspring of my mom's colleagues, and many caring adults (her graduate students, neighbors). So despite the fact that we lives states away from our extended family, we had a big network of fun and support.

2. We will not have guns in our house or lives, which wasn't something my family did but was a big part of my fiancé's family culture. We also won't take our kids to a specific church. My parents raised me and my sister in church until we were about 9 years old, even though they are both nonbelievers. (As are we, now.). I'd rather not feign belief for the sake of my children. We hope to take them to many different kinds of religious services and celebrations and let them develop whatever spiritual life is right for them.

Ashtastic515 · December 2014

1. A sense of personal accountability, absolute respect for others, and great manners. My dad really put an emphasis on these things and I could not be more grateful for it. AW: Our 2 DS are constantly being praised by other adults on how polite young men they are & it's the ultimate reward as a parent.

- also BooBoo Bunnies (they make everything feel better!!)
- QT / Dates with each one as an individual. I still remember my daddy/daughter dates & enjoy them to this day

2. Completely Different: Our children get to make a lot of their own choices. And sometimes we let them learn the hard way.. Back to personal accountability. Refuse to be a helicopter mom & make all of our kids' decisions for them. It's super awesome when you get to watch them make the right choice on their own without your input or sway!

Lauracox3 · December 2014

1. What are you excited to take from your childhood as you parent your own child? This could be parenting techniques, traditions, etc.

I have a huge extended family that I am close with, and so I am excited to instill the importance of family in my child's life. They have always been there for me no matter how far away. "Blood is thicker than water" definitely resonates in our fam. I am also going to stress the importance of education. My mom was strict as hell, but she made sure that my sister and I got advanced college degrees no matter what it took, because she worked her ass off from nothing to being a great nurse. I admire that.

2. What have you already put your foot down on what you will be doing completely different than your own childhood?

I will not raise my children to be materialistic. We were raised in an upper class family and spoiled. No way, Jose! My kids will also have chores. I did not have many growing up, and I didn't learn to clean, cook, or do laundry until college. It drove my roommates nuts how messy I was. I will also be more affectionate with my kids. We didn't hug or say I love you much in my family, and it caused major psychological issues when I got older.

ilovejosh23 · December 2014

1. What are you excited to take from your childhood as you parent your own child? This could be parenting techniques, traditions, etc.

I come from a big family, 8 of us total, and while I may not have that many children I loved the sense that my brothers and sisters were also my friends. Holidays were always loud and very special and while it may not be the exact same traditions we had I want to give that same type of special feeling to my children. Also, my dad always pushed us to do our very best and that has stuck with me and has continued to help me even through my work life.

2. What have you already put your foot down on what you will be doing completely different than your own childhood?

I want to have a much more open relationship with my children. My dad was very much the "because I said so" and "do it or else" type of parenting. There is a time and place for that, but it cant be all the time. Also, a lot of times I also felt I was competing with my mom on who was prettier, I know that sounds dumb but I felt it. She would borrow my clothes and try to take my spotlight sometimes and I grew to resent that as I got older. I do not want to put that on my daughter. My husband and I are also going to be much more affectionate with our children.

ilovejosh23 · December 2014

@linegirl313 I know exactly what you mean about speaking ill about your spouse. I am also coming from divorced parents and wow did they put us in the middle a lot and even made us choose sides. It was awful!

lgsdesigner · December 2014

Great post!

1. What are you excited to take from your childhood as you parent your own child? This could be parenting techniques, traditions, etc.

My parents always believed in “If you want something, you earn it. Nothing is handed to you.” I do this now with my children, and it was the best decision ever. They are respectful, use their own earned allowance to buy things they want, and understand fully the cost of things and how you can’t just go out and get whatever you want.

A second one is if you earn good grades, you get rewarded. My son has done GREAT in 1^st grade. Is reading like a champ, and is excelling past most of his peers. Because of this, I will reward him randomly by taking him to his favorite places (movies, Lego store, etc), or taking him to his favorite restaurant or ice cream parlor. He loves it.

2. What have you already put your foot down on what you will be doing completely different than your own childhood?

I refuse to fight in front of the children. My parents fought in front of us all the time, and it was both emotionally and mentally damaging.

VeganOnTuesdays · December 2014

These are all so great. There are definitely some things I will be mentioning to H that we should be adding to our list of DOs.

saralynn91 · December 2014

I want to have big get togethers with family like we used to when I was little. As everyone grew up the get togethers stopped happening and it made it very hard to stay connected to family.
I also want to travel a lot, we did some when I was young and those were the best memories.

As for things I will change:
My father always seemed annoyed at us and we were more afraid of him instead of respecting him when we were growing up.
I never want my child to be afraid of me or bf.
Our children will also have chores. My bf never had chores and was never punished a day in his life. It was difficult learning to live together when he realized that I wasn't going to be his mother and clean up behind him.

Lauracox3 · December 2014

@linegirl313‌ @ilovejosh23‌ I agree with not speaking poorly of DH in front of the kids. I try and practice this now and I know DH does too. My mother and sister both say demeaning things about their husbands in front of the kids, and while DH don't get along constantly, I keep our arguments and unkind words to private conversation. My parents did this growing up, and I think it affected the way I looked at them as parents when they said nasty things about each other.

maritimeme · December 2014

1. Family dinners (we both had sit-down dinners every night growing up) and overall politeness, respect and manners. Also, I had a very open relationship with my mother and lots of trust (which I earned). We want to instill the same sort of relationship in our children.

2. DH's family (and DH as well) can often be a bit closed minded. I hope to somehow have our children skip that. They will also have more chores than I did growing up

Despite arguments we would have before DD came along about how we were going to raise her, somehow we have been on the same page from the day she was born. We frequently get comments about how confident, polite and charming she is (AW). We know a lot of that is personality, but we want some of the credit! Honestly, seeing her learn and develop helps us know what kind of parents we want to be. She almost is teaching us more than the other way around.

Lauracox3 · December 2014

@Beeorange‌ that's a really good point! My mom used to comment on our weight all the time. I still have body issues also. My sister comments about her daughters weight a lot and she is only 5. I am making a mental note to steer clear of this!

pilar311 · December 2014

Great question!

1. I had a very rich cultural and moral upbringing in my early childhood. My parents would always take me to plays, puppet shows, and museums, got me electronics and chemistry kits, and read wonderful books with me every night. They also always talked to me about how to be a good person.

2. I feel like my parents left me too much to my own devices starting at around age 7, when my younger brother was born. I got picked on a lot in middle school and never talked to my parents about it. I plan to ask my child more about his/her emotional and social lives, and give him/her advice.

pilar311 · December 2014

robotpcr said:

1. What are you excited to take from your childhood as you parent your own child? This could be parenting techniques, traditions, etc.

My parents did so many things right. I want to instill a love of travel (especially internationally) in my kids, I want them to be respectful and well-behaved, have a love of learning, and for them to know they can come to me with anything. I'm excited to pass on my Jewish family traditions, have lots of bookshelves for them to raid as they get older, and have family dinners.

2. What have you already put your foot down on what you will be doing completely different than your own childhood?

I know for DH, he doesn't want to yell like his dad did. We probably won't be a part of any formal religious organizations outside the home like both our families were. Personally, I want to put less pressure on my kids to succeed in school since they could be like me and it could cause them serious anxiety issues and things. I also don't want my kids to think that dieting is normal and I never want them to see me criticising my own body or picking at my clothes uncomfortably in the mirror, etc.

ETA: Also, to do differently for me, I'd like to raise my kids with more extended family around, like DH had. I barely know any of my cousins and I love DH's giant family.

Oh yeah, and I second the no yelling thing. There was too much arguing and yelling in my house growing up, I hope not to replicate that. My husband and I don't argue much, and I don't argue with my parents much anymore either.

VeganOnTuesdays · December 2014

ramy3 said:

Regarding parents commenting on their child's weight, I also think it's important for us as mothers (and fathers too) to remember not to downplay our own appearances in front of our kids.

I feel like it will be easy for me to not tell my kids they're too chubby or eat too much or whatever, but I have a bad habit of commenting negatively on how I look without even really thinking about it. I think that can also affect how our kids view themselves.

THIS. I agree 100% and it's definitely something I want to make a conscious effort on. I would never comment my kids weight (my SIL and BIL are adamant on watching what their son eats and telling him that he needs to not eat as much. They even go as far as putting locks on the fridge when they are not home. It's gross and I hate it.) but I do need to make sure that I have more positive self talk. I not horrible to myself but I do want to create a positive self image in my children which includes how my H and I talk about ourselves.

pilar311 · December 2014

VeganOnTuesdays said:

ramy3 said:

Regarding parents commenting on their child's weight, I also think it's important for us as mothers (and fathers too) to remember not to downplay our own appearances in front of our kids.

I feel like it will be easy for me to not tell my kids they're too chubby or eat too much or whatever, but I have a bad habit of commenting negatively on how I look without even really thinking about it. I think that can also affect how our kids view themselves.

THIS. I agree 100% and it's definitely something I want to make a conscious effort on. I would never comment my kids weight (my SIL and BIL are adamant on watching what their son eats and telling him that he needs to not eat as much. They even go as far as putting locks on the fridge when they are not home. It's gross and I hate it.) but I do need to make sure that I have more positive self talk. I not horrible to myself but I do want to create a positive self image in my children which includes how my H and I talk about ourselves.

Does anyone have thoughts about how to encourage children to make healthy food choices without contributing to body image issues?

MrsPDX · December 2014

1. What are you excited to take from your childhood as you parent your own child? This could be parenting techniques, traditions, etc.
I want to promote creativity and imagination above everything else. I also want to take on the tradition of weekly family dinners with the grandparents.

2. What have you already put your foot down on what you will be doing completely different than your own childhood?
I will NOT be co-sleeping under any circumstances. My parents were big into attachment parenting, and I just know that will not work for us.

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