How do you enjoy life when DH is having such a crap time?

MrsPDX · October 2014

Hi, I could really use some advice. I am pregnant with our first, and trying to enjoy this process (currently 11 weeks), and manage on my own, while DH is at training for the Marines. But, its so hard, DH got extremely sick this week and was hospitalized for two days, on oxygen and fluids. Now he is back at training, but he is pushed back a week. Every time I have gotten to talk to DH for some reason I miss his call, and get a voicemail (in a work meeting, taking the dogs out and left phone on table, 12:30 AM and couldn't grab it fast enough). He sounds so sad, and defeated on his voicemails, and its so hard to just go about life, when he is sick and having a crap time. And on top of that I feel so guilty about missing his phone calls every time....any advice on how to stay positive? I mean obviously I want to make everything better, DH is my world, but there is nothing I can do, and because of that I feel like I cannot feel happy about anything.

iluvmytxrgr · October 2014

Please don't take this as an attack. I just want to give some insight from his point of view, having been there myself.
When you are going through that, you are constantly told that you suck, you're not working hard enough, you aren't doing it right. You are trying your best, but it isn't enough. All you want to do is hear a friendly voice and have someone you love tell you they are proud of you and what you are doing. You just need that little lift for a few minutes to get you through to the next call. On top of that, he misses you and wants to know you and baby are OK. He feels guilty for not being there by your side, holding your hair while you puke. When you hear that voice mail answer instead of your loved one, it's kind of heart breaking. Then you hear all your buddies talking about their conversations. It's hard.
So, tips:
Record a message for him on your voice mail. If you miss him again, he'll hear it and get at least something.
Write him letters every day. Even if it is just a little note that says you love and miss him. Send him the most mundane details of your day. Talk about taking the trash out, walking the dogs, feeling like poop, what ever your day was made of. Send pictures of your belly. Send sonogram pics.
Be happy. Like my grandma used to say, happy mommies have happy babies. Plus, you give him something to look forward to. Trust me, every spare second he has is spent thinking of you and your happy face. All he needs to know is that you love him, you miss him, you are waiting for him and you are OK.

iluvmytxrgr · October 2014

Oh, and keep your phone with you always.

MrsPDX · October 2014

Thanks! I like the idea of recording a voicemail that includes a message to him!

That said, my phone has not left my side since. I also have already written him 5 letters. The whole thing though, is just so stressful! I know this is the life of a military wife, but as this is my first real dive into it, and its new to me, its so overwhelming! Yoga has never been my strong suit, so I am hoping I can figure out another release for all of this anxiety (since it can't be red wine either...).

goldengirlamy · October 2014

This is just the way of being a military family.

This is speaking from an Army point of view but...
When DH was in basic training, I got to talk to him two times over 10 weeks for a total of 15 minutes each. He got injured and hospitalized and still was not allowed to call me.
I was not pregnant nor did we have any children but I had to just learn to live my life without him during that time.
I wrote him letters every single day. Some days I wrote him 2-3 letters a day because writing a letter made me feel like I was sorta talking to him.
DH did not have time to respond to my letters. I got 3 letters back from him total, about a letter a month.
I checked the mailbox obsessively everyday, I took my phone with me in the shower, just in case he called. I once had a mini anxiety attack because I started to shower and shampoo my hair without my phone in the bathroom, I ran to get my phone with shampoo still in my hair only to find out that I did NOT miss a call from him.

The hardest and best thing you can do for you while he is gone is carry on with your life and continue to do what makes you happy. It sounds so horrible and selfish but I'm sure your husband does not want you miserable and sad for the rest of his training period. My husband was SO happy to hear that I was doing well while he was away, because he wanted the best for us. I lost weight, worked out, went to movies and out to dinner by myself, spent time with family to pass time.

Basic training was the hardest time of his life and of our marriage. But it wasn't the first time he had to be away, there were missions later, trainings that were weeks long where he was gone, but he could call during those times.

Its incredibly difficult to be married to a person in military. You will be alone and have to be on your own A LOT. But you will learn to be so independent and your marriage will be so much more special to each other when you are together.

MrsPDX · October 2014

@goldengirlarmy that helps so much! thank you!

Its just hard to figure out what my independent life looks like without him. I am trying though. I just started doing yoga, and maybe I'll actually learn to cook....

I know this is the life I signed up for, and would never change that, since DH is the absolute most amazing person I have ever met! It will just take some getting used to....

Sammy0709 · October 2014

I know this is kind of a repeat but I went to basic over the holidays last year. We got a lot more phone calls than normal because of that but my husband did miss one. It really did hurt a lot when he wasn't available to talk to me. I lived for the days I could hear him because as much as they've dumbed down Navy boot camp, it still blew and it was nice to know he was there. I loved getting letters from him telling me what he was doing. He went on a cruise with his family and literally told me everything he did while he was there. It was great. Believe it or not, as bad as my days sucked, it was comforting to know he was still living and doing things and having fun.

As far as being apart and independent goes, speaking from being a spouse of active duty in the past, it gets easier. You're adjusting. Things will look up.

estefyp4 · December 2014

Ok so he's at training and it sucks but you have to remember that he'll be home soon.. I'm speaking as a wife of an army soldier who's been in for over six years! (and has had him deployed pretty much every other year even w/a 15 month deployment) the best thing you can do is keep your phone on you.. in your shirt if you have to and write him letters if you can but a training absence can never compare to a deployment so don't worry to much because you know that he is at least taken care of if there is an injury and there's no real death threat... Time will pass sooner than you think just stay positive and realize that these situations are common in any branch and the best thing you can do is just be there and available to him as much as you can..it does get 'easier' to manage in time..Good luck!

o_so_in_love · December 2014

When DH was at MCRD nearly ten years ago he didn't get to call. I never talked to him and got very few letters from him. I still wrote him every single day and sent him pictures often. It was very uplifting to him and I'm sure it will be to your DH as well. They don't have to be lengthy but for him to get a letter nearly every day is awesome. And how great will they be for your children or grandchildren to read some day

?

Genty8 · December 2014

Listen after all it's said and done basic will have been a very fun time in his military career. I did 10 years and my so is now a drill sgt.

I think your hormones are playing a hit into this. The yoga suggestion is great. Just relax because bct will be over before you both know it!

Maybe do a video log so that he can watch when he is done so that he doesn't feel as though he missed something.

Good luck!

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