relationship with BD gf ?

WLJ2 · November 2014

Please tell me I am being stubborn and irrational if that's the case.

Back story: BD started dating a friend of mine a month after we seperated. We are no longer friends and do not have much of a relationship. About a year into them dating BD texts me and says if I would like to discuss anything regarding DS I needed to text his gf. At that time I let him know that was not going to happen. I she is not his mother and I would only be discussing things with him.

A few months after that I arrive at BD house to pick up DS and he opens the door, I step into door way and wait for them to get DS ready to leave. And get a text from here telling me I am not welcome in their home and I can wait outside.

Again, a few months after that BD tells me i need to communicate about our son to his gf. And in the past month he has been taking a day or so to respond to my text messages or having her respond instrad. ( he will not talk on the phone period.)

I do not want a relationship with his gf at this time and I want all communication to be through BD. Am I being unreasonable by insisting in this? Should I sucks it up and just converse with his gf or stand my ground.

Can I add how frustrated I am that DS comes home telling me that she said her name is no longer Kelley it's mommy. I know he's only almost 4 but all the other stories he has told me have panned out to be very close to true. I don't care if he calls someone else mom but it Irritates me that she forces it.

hopanka · November 2014

No. I would not respond to her texts, and I would insist, in an email, to only communicate with BD. If she replies again to what you emailed, ignore that and only email to his address. Some people, seriously...

Wahoo · November 2014

For the most part, I think you should stand your ground. She is the gf, not his wife or DS's SM. Ultimately, your ex is responsible for your son; she is not.

Start wording your emails to make life easier: "I will assume you are ok with this, unless I hear directly from you (ex) stating otherwise."

Sometimes there are web-based calendars (such as our family wizard) that you can use to pass information without contacting your ex. Of course, his gf can get access to that as well.

If you ever go back to court, you can ask to make clear the communication guidelines, but it's not worth it unless you go back for something else.

The only exception I would make if it is something directly related to her...for example if she watches your DS after school and you want to remind her that he needs to bring something home, make sure he remembers his boots, or you are running late....whatever. It seems silly to email to ex (who is at work), for him to contact gf, and then for her to reply to you or reply to ex so he can reply to you.

Pamelacake · November 2014

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

Wahoo said:

The only exception I would make if it is something directly related to her...for example if she watches your DS after school and you want to remind her that he needs to bring something home, make sure he remembers his boots, or you are running late....whatever. It seems silly to email to ex (who is at work), for him to contact gf, and then for her to reply to you or reply to ex so he can reply to you.

I especially like this part from PP. BD should be the one to communicate with you, not GF.

lookame3639 · November 2014

I don't deal with SO and our papers state that I don't. I will make exceptions if i get a text saying something like DS got hurt or DS would like to speak with you but as for things like medical or about school ect that goes to ex. Now i have no control if she takes his phone and pretends to be ex (which happens when they want to fight about something and I squash that pretty fast) but everything goes to ex.

WLJ2 · November 2014

That you ladies! I appreciate all the insight. BD and his gf aren't taking this very well. She threw DS backpack at me when I picked him up yesterday and BD told me this:
"Also, I'm sorry but at my house the way things work is Kelley is the wife/mom. She handles all the paperwork and schedules and stuff like that. I don't have enough time with Jason as it is. I don't need to bother with certain things so she does them for me. That's how our household works. I use my time working or playing with Jason. That's all I need to do. So you'll just have to get over it."

Kelley is his gf. I wish I didn't have to "bother" with things. Wine anyone?

ambrvan · November 2014

If they were nice and cordial about things, it wouldn't be an issue. But the way they are acting, I would not make things easy, but I wouldn't be overly difficult over this either. It sounds like your son is getting caught in the middle of a petty adult conflict. Not saying it is your fault or theirs.

hopanka · November 2014

Don't let him order you around. I wouldn't respond to nonsence like this. Continue your necessary communication through email to his email address. I especially would not have any contact with someone who throws things at me. If you do not feel that exchanges can happen peacefully, then you may have to start doing them at neutral places. You would have to re-visit the court order for that. But, I would not tolerate abuse.

rachelcalderon525 · November 2014

My personal situation is a bit different. My SD lives with her father and I and rarely sees her mom. She used to communicate only with me but that was her choice.

Your ex needs to get over whatever it is that he has against communicating with you. The parents of the child need to be able to communicate with each other. Its your decisions on how to raise your child.

And as for your kid calling her "mommy" and it being forced....thats LUDACRIS!!! Your child should call her what they feel comfortable calling her. I would never make my SD call me mom. She calls me by my name because that's what she is comfortable with (even though she knows im more of a mother than her own). Putting a child in that situation is horrible. I would tell your kid to call her what he wants to. And that face that their not even married, she has no parental "rights" over him so she doesn't deserve to even be called "mommy". If it gets worse, I would get legal involved if you can, even if its just to work out the communication issues.

WLJ2 · November 2014

@rachelcalderon525‌ I completely agree with letting him call her what he wants.

I have to go back to court eventually to settle issue that I already know are going to arise when DS is ready for school. But I was thinking since he will be 4 in January I should wait until later next year at least. I don't want to go more times than necessary. Do you think if we went now it would be to soon to bring up those concerns and gave something added for when that time comes?

shelbutler · November 2014

Why hell no you're not being irrational. I ONLY communicate with BM regarding the following:

a) if for some reason I have SD, and DH is not with us and I need to make arrangements to drop off SD.

b) if I need to discuss something that DH has no interest in (SD's friend's bday party - BM works weekends, so I offer to take her if I need to.)

c) if DH phone is dead and we need to contact BM. I typically just give him my phone.

Occasionally, I will text her about issues that I have (for example, when my SD got in my car and said my mommy was really mad at you, and then she asked me what a particular cuss word was.) I then contacted her that I didn't appreciate her bringing her problems with me up to SD. But other than that, we don't speak unless it is at exchanges and even then it is ONLY about the child (if she got sick in our care, or if an accident happened, or something of that nature.) It's taken us three years to get to this point.

dmndsr4eva · November 2014

Your ex is a douche. I can totally see why it didn't work out. So he can't be bothered to discuss issues regarding his son with you? What a nut job. Especially considering he started dating your "friend" immediately after you broke up.

I agree with the others. If it is regarding pick ups/drop off times where he will not be there then you may need to communicate directly with her. BD's parents do most of the pick ups and drop offs so a lot of times if I need to change plans I directly contact his mother but usually I will let him know and he tells his mom.

But for most things I would email him and like the other person said just say "if you do not respond this is what I have decided for our son."

+just+j+ · November 2014

I have to ask, why all of a sudden did he say you have to talk to her? That makes no sense. There has to be something that caused him to do this.

JennyH81 · December 2014

As a SM, you are right that all communication should be with your ex, not his GF. He's the parent, not her. To be honest, I am GLAD to let DH deal with his ex - she's nice enough, but not exactly my favorite person to deal with. Re: calling her mommy, it's wrong to force a child to be put into that situation - it creates a loyalty bind and will likely rebound back on her. My SS calls me Jenny, but his mom forced him to call her then BF now husband "dad" for a while, but later it was switched to Stepdad bc kids at school were telling him he was stupid for not knowing the difference between SF and his dad.

WLJ2 · December 2014

+just+j+ said:
I have to ask, why all of a sudden did he say you have to talk to her? That makes no sense. There has to be something that caused him to do this.

Nothing specific happened. He told me she doesn't like him an I talking. She always has to be there when I pick up or he picks up ds. She has said a phrase that probably isn't appropriate to post. But it sounds like she has insecurities because him and I were previous together and now they are. As if all of a sudden were going to run off together or something. And he has again rece recently stated he doesn't need to deal with certain things.

FinallyHappy84 · December 2014

That sounds like total insecurity issues on her part. I would continue to stand your ground on this, because you and him are the parents. What he doesn't he "need to deal with" when it comes his child? That's ridiculous! Good luck!

shelbutler · December 2014

Sounds like girlfriend isn't ready to be with someone that has a child with someone from his past. If she can't mature beyond that she needs to reconsider some things.

o_so_in_love · December 2014

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. If his father refuses to discuss things with you and it causes visitation to be missed or anything else then I would just file police reports. If it does not go against anything in the court order, I would just keep a journal about everything. If he has custody and you were the one receiving visitation and you miss visitation because he won't respond to you, file a police report. If you are the one that has custody and he is missing visitation because he is not communicating with you and that is on him. If he ever tries to bring it up to a judge you can clearly tell him that he will not communicate with you and that will be on him. If you have to go to court he will have to explain to the judge what is going on. The judge will clearly tell him that it is his responsibility to communicate with you about your child. Even if they were married it is still his responsibility to communicate with you. If you want to communicate through the GF, that is your choice, But not his. I am a stepmom and my SD calls me mommy but I have been in her life since she was just a little baby. And she also calls her stepdad daddy. But, for your child to call his girlfriend mommy, especially when they are not even married, is especially irritating. And, if you were to go to court, I would definitely bring that up to the judge.

o_so_in_love · December 2014

rachelcalderon525 said:
My personal situation is a bit different. My SD lives with her father and I and rarely sees her mom. She used to communicate only with me but that was her choice.

Your ex needs to get over whatever it is that he has against communicating with you. The parents of the child need to be able to communicate with each other. Its your decisions on how to raise your child.

And as for your kid calling her "mommy" and it being forced....thats LUDACRIS!!! Your child should call her what they feel comfortable calling her. I would never make my SD call me mom. She calls me by my name because that's what she is comfortable with (even though she knows im more of a mother than her own). Putting a child in that situation is horrible. I would tell your kid to call her what he wants to. And that face that their not even married, she has no parental "rights" over him so she doesn't deserve to even be called "mommy". If it gets worse, I would get legal involved if you can, even if its just to work out the communication issues.

It is a pain to have to go back to court, but if the things that are happening because of the lack of communication or the aggressiveness they are showing to you it's going to affect your child emotionally or psychologically then you need to protect him. Or, if you have not been to court to get a court order, I would strongly suggest that you do so soon.

WLJ2 · December 2014

@o_so_in_love‌ we have a court order.but clearly not detailed enough. We will be going back but I'm not sure when. I was thinking about going aftrr the new year. We have things besides this that I already know we won't agree on in the next two years.

+just+j+ · December 2014

She sounds like a control freak. And insecure.

Document like crazy.

I would refuse to speak to her. Communicate only with him. If she escalates her abusive behavior, get a restraining order.

I agree with everyone above. He needs to communicate with you.

WLJ2 · December 2014

Should I just not respond to her text messages and ignore her completely?

Now BD is communicating with my mom but still refusing to actually communicate with me. I'm just getting frustrated and fed up. He has also recently told me he will be taking me to court for more custody. I don't take him at his word so we will see if this happens.

cole2144 · December 2014

I would tell my mom under no circumstances is she to answer him. You are the parent, he needs to deal with you.

Wahoo · December 2014

Maybe a strongly worded letter from your lawyer would work? There is NO WAY ex's lawyer (if he had one) would send back a response that you needed to respond to his gf or via your mom. If his gf is the one who is making this happen - she is psycho.

Any message sent via your mom I would ignore. As if it was not sent to you. Tell your mom not to forward anything. If your mom tries to act as the middle man (it's ok if she lets you know without ex's knowing, but don't leave a paper trail, don't cc him on the forward), tell her that if she is so close to your ex, she can arrange to see her grandson on HIS time, as you will not facilitate any relationship with grandson on your time.

If it says he is going to be late, etc.....I would go ON TIME and write him an email documenting that you were at the location at the CO time and that he is not there, AND that he has not communicated with you. Ditto anything else (change of plans, vacation dates). Literally, if he emails your mom (on time) with his vacation plans by a certain deadline, and he doesn't send it to you, I would email him "you did not email me plans for vacation time by the Court-Ordered deadline of March 15, therefore I will be taking vacation with DS on (xx date to xx date). If that messes up his plans - too bad, so sad.

I hope you have the email/text where he says he wants to be Disney dad and not take over any responsibility. That will look REALLY great when he tries to get more custody.

+just+j+ · December 2014

Yes WLJ. Ignore her completely. Send your asshole ex a text and state that you will only communicate with him. NOT her. All of her texts and calls will be ignored. Tell your mom, friends, family, etc. that you are doing this and to please support you in this.

Ilumine · December 2014

Contact your lawyer. I know that it is expensive, but maybe a letter from him regarding the state's precedents about custody communication might just be enough.

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