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Grandparents and Gifts *UPDATE*

MalVoughMalVough member
edited December 2014 in March 2015 Moms
UPDATE: I'm a moron and my head is now out of my ass :D Thank you, ladies, for knocking some sense into me.

*******

Curious to know if I'm being unreasonable and have overblown expectations (I know you'll be honest!):

My ex-step-mother (who basically raised me... so she's really Mom) and her husband are purchasing the three-piece furniture set for our nursery. They offered and we found a super-awesome deal (after going into sticker shock at Babies R Us).

SO's mother and father (divorced and remarried) have stated they want to help and want to help us buy some of the bigger items.

Meanwhile, I asked my father if he'd be willing to purchase the crib mattress and the changing pad set. A total of $200. His response? "We'll see."

Is it wrong for me to be disappointed by his response?

I have read many baby shower threads and understand the whole shindig is a little selfish, but it's also exciting for family and friends who love us and want to shower our baby. And I'm a FTM, so I'm starting from scratch.

I understand you can't force people to buy you things (duh). But I guess I was expecting a grandfather to be more excited and more willing to chip in like everyone else?
Pregnancy Ticker

Me: 28 | SO: 28
BFP: July 22, 2014 | EDD: March 28, 2015
For Suzy and all M15 Loss Moms
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Re: Grandparents and Gifts *UPDATE*

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  • MalVoughMalVough member
    kmvisioli said:

    It sounds to me like you have lots of very generous people around you! I would be thankful for those who have offered, and plan to handle the other purchases on your own. It seems selfish and tacky to ask anyone, even someone you think might say yes, to make a large purchase for you. Or even to tell them specifically what to buy you. I'm sure your dad is excited, but that's not something that's fair for you to expect to cash in on.

    Agreed. I was uncomfortable asking, but it was suggested that I ask my father to do something for his granddaughter (he's been rather M.I.A. since getting remarried). I kinda knew before asking that the conversation wasn't going to go like I fantasized in my head... but was hoping for the best.

    I definitely don't go around asking people for things. I'm really independent, and I've already been yelled at for buying the stroller and car seat (but I couldn't ignore the Cyber Monday deals!), because we haven't had the shower yet. But thought it a different situation since it's my father we're talking about.

    I am very lucky for LO's six other grandparents. She's going to be one spoiled little girl.
    Pregnancy Ticker

    Me: 28 | SO: 28
    BFP: July 22, 2014 | EDD: March 28, 2015
    For Suzy and all M15 Loss Moms
    image
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  • MalVoughMalVough member
    edited December 2014
    Peledreamsofrain said:

    Yeah, you are being unreasonable. You don't know his income, and frankly if he's retired, he may not have much to give. Let him decide on his own budget. He's an adult and deserves that much respect.

    I have many thoughts on this, but I'm not comfortable airing all kinds of dirty laundry on TB. I get what you're saying (I asked for honesty!) But I'll direct you to my reply to a PP above.
    Pregnancy Ticker

    Me: 28 | SO: 28
    BFP: July 22, 2014 | EDD: March 28, 2015
    For Suzy and all M15 Loss Moms
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  • SkrittensSkrittens member
    I agree with pp - although I understand kind of where you are coming from - I don't agree. My parents and grandparents are being very generous with us - but only with respect to specific things - only what they want to buy. For example, my grandmother will ONLY buy us a crib. Any one we want - $100 or $1000, she doesn't care, but the only gift she is willing to give is our crib. Even though a crib would not be my choice gift I am overwhelmed and much appreciative of her genorosity.

    I don't think it is ever ok to ask for something - unless you truly need it - and even then be willing to do with the least possible. Perhaps your father has something in mind already. Or you can mention the things that you still need and let him pick out what he wants to purchase - if he can and is willing to that is.

    I don't like when someone tells me what I can get them - even when I am willing to buy something big - unless I ask specifically what is needed. I really like looking at registries and knowing I bought the stroller, car seat, mattress, etc....or suggesting what I would like to get someone because it is meaningful to me.
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  • mangomimosamangomimosa member
    MalVough said:

    Peledreamsofrain said:

    Yeah, you are being unreasonable. You don't know his income, and frankly if he's retired, he may not have much to give. Let him decide on his own budget. He's an adult and deserves that much respect.

    I have many thoughts on this, but I'm not comfortable airing all kinds of dirty laundry on TB. I get what you're saying (I asked for honesty!) But I'll direct you to my reply to a PP above.
    It doesn't matter what kind of dirty laundry there is, what the other grandparents are buying, or how independent you are. Bottom line is, you asked for a specific and expensive gift. That's not appropriate, period. Now, if HE asked what he could help out with, you might provide a list of items with a range of prices (registry) - but he didn't. And then being upset when he didn't say yes -- that's not cool. I would apologize for asking & tell him you don't expect anything but his love for the new baby.
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  • colleen4019colleen4019 member
    I agree with PPs it's inappropriate to ask for gifts.

    The closest I've come to askig was when My mom told me she wanted to buy our car seat & I emailed her when I saw the one we wanted was on sale (thanks PSA thread!). But had she not offered I never would have emailed her about that.

    On terms of 'dirty laundry' it doesn't matter if he (or anyone) is a completely irresponsible spender. It's their money, they spend as they wish. You don't get a say.
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  • hetispagettihetispagetti member
    Your baby you should buy the things. If people offer that's great and it's up to you if you accept but it's pretty unreasonable to ask someone to buy something, especially a large item like that!
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  • mandi195mandi195 member
    Maybe I was raised differently, but unless an individual comes to you and says "I want to purchase something for you/the baby; what do you need/want?" I would NEVER in a million years ask them to. You and your SO are the ones having a baby, so go buy your own damn mattress and other crap.
    My in-laws are thrilled and excited to the point that his mom cries every time we talk about the baby; they haven't purchased anything for baby and we haven't asked them. It's horribly rude and tacky to ask anyone to buy things for you or baby. Welcome to parenthood, no one is responsible for these things but you (the parents).
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  • MalVoughMalVough member
    I wish people would read the entire thread before posting, so they'd know that 1. I've taken responsibility for my ginormous brain fart and 2. They are repeating what PPs have already said.

    I wasn't raised an asshole, for goodness sakes. I made a misstep and asked for advice. I needed an unbiased opinion because I was stuck in my head.
    Pregnancy Ticker

    Me: 28 | SO: 28
    BFP: July 22, 2014 | EDD: March 28, 2015
    For Suzy and all M15 Loss Moms
    image
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  • mandi195mandi195 member
    FYI - when I started writing my response, you hadn't updated yet, and only half of the replies above mine were visible. Just saying. 
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  • Disneygeek77Disneygeek77 member
    I am glad you realized the error of your ways.  That was very big of you.  However, I still think you should call him up and apologize for putting him in such an uncomfortable position.  
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  • DM718DM718 member
    edited December 2014
    Please don't be disappointed by your fathers response.  There are many reasons that he may have responded the way he did, and please keep in mind that generosity can take very different forms from different people - I believe I got far more in life from my paternal grandparents than I did from my maternal grandparents, though my maternal grandparents were financially very generous.  

    And as far as I know, my parents have spent less on our baby than my in-laws have, but my parents recently paid for two weddings and are renovating the home I previously rented from them, and my husband is an only child.  I don't think anyone is really keeping score on who buys the baby what, and how that relates to love and excitement for the first grandchild on both sides of the family.  

    One last reason that your father may be hesitant to purchase anything in advance is that some people have a fear that things can still go wrong.  My father warned me well into the 2nd trimester that things could still go south, and an empty nursery may only make the pain harder to deal with.  I know his sister suffered several miscarriages (not sure how late in pregnancy), a good friend had an adoption placement fall apart at birth, and I'm sure there are many more stories he can share from both people he knows and from his work as a firefighter.  I hear from others that he's really excited, but he doesn't really share it with me (and we're really close).  
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  • mangomimosamangomimosa member
    :::hugs::: @MalVough‌ it's ok!
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  • MalVoughMalVough member
    Chunkymonkeylvr said:

    Lol. @malvough best thing to do now is just walk away from the thread. You cannot make people read all the responses though they should. I had a thread like this that I just had to leave lol.

    Hang in there momma.

    I'm on mobile, so I can't tell right now and I'm drawing a blank... but I need the gif with the owl getting his head scratched (in someone's siggy!). It's so calming to watch ☺️
    Pregnancy Ticker

    Me: 28 | SO: 28
    BFP: July 22, 2014 | EDD: March 28, 2015
    For Suzy and all M15 Loss Moms
    image
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  • MalVoughMalVough member
    jennypm said:
    @MalVough That would be @Peledreamsofrain's gif

    Here you go...hopefully you can see it.
     image

    You're the best! Feeling better already.
    Pregnancy Ticker

    Me: 28 | SO: 28
    BFP: July 22, 2014 | EDD: March 28, 2015
    For Suzy and all M15 Loss Moms
    image
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  • TazminianTazminian member
    Don't beat yourself up @MalVough, everybody has looked back on a situation and wished they had handled it differently.  I think it is big of you to own up to it.  Cut yourself some slack and maybe apologize to your dad.  If you don't make a big deal of it, I'm sure he won't either.  Something along the lines of "sorry about that, I don't know what I was thinking."  

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    for suzyq0525
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  • MalVoughMalVough member
    Tazminian said:

    Don't beat yourself up @MalVough, everybody has looked back on a situation and wished they had handled it differently.  I think it is big of you to own up to it.  Cut yourself some slack and maybe apologize to your dad.  If you don't make a big deal of it, I'm sure he won't either.  Something along the lines of "sorry about that, I don't know what I was thinking."  

    Thankfully, my father is extremely laid back. It's hard to offend him, really. Other than road rage, it's hard to ruffle his feathers. We'll be OK :) I'll give him a call after work to check in and make sure all is peachy.
    Pregnancy Ticker

    Me: 28 | SO: 28
    BFP: July 22, 2014 | EDD: March 28, 2015
    For Suzy and all M15 Loss Moms
    image
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  • TazminianTazminian member
    Peledreamsofrain said:
    Heehee, my gif is famous.
    I was bumping at work yesterday and a coworker passed by my cubicle just as I was scrolling past one of your pots.  He made me stop to go back and look at the owl.  So soothing!

    image
    for suzyq0525
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  • kmvisiolikmvisioli member
    @MalVough‌ after you talk to him, if you're still wanting to get him more involved, you could invite him to come help with getting the nursery cleaned out or put together, prepping freezer meals, or to go shopping with you for clothes or something. I took my MIL along to BBB one afternoon to show her things we were looking at and just spend some time talking baby - made it clear beforehand that I was shopping, not expecting her to buy, and we had a great time :)
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  • janda426janda426 member
    I'm glad you realize it was a mistake requesting a gift. I've been there, where I thought it was ok to feel entitled to something expensive from either mine or H parents just because they were our parents or because they buy ___ so "obviously they can afford it."

    Hell, sometimes I still feel kind of bothered that my mom hasn't bought a single thing for my son so far. It's hard to make that distinction in your mind that others money situation or the way they spend their money is really not your business even if you are very close to them. We all can be judgey. Just doesn't make it any less wrong. I'm fully aware that my thoughts are wrong sometimes lol no ones perfect
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