Share your positive experiences

tacosandtums · December 2014

Hi. My LO is 6 weeks old. I'm returning to work in 5 weeks. Lately I've been so sad about it, to the point I'm trying to find any way I can to stay home with her. Logically I know I need to work- we need two incomes and I carry our health insurance. BUT, I'm such a wreck over leaving my daughter. I just got a promotion and big raise before I went on leave. I'm good at what I do it's just so hard to think about leaving this baby.

Please share positive experiences.... I need some motivation to get me through this really hard time. TIA!

74dragonfly · December 2014

It takes time to adjust but for me having a job I loved and am good at made it easier. By working we are able to have a house, save for retirement and college. My DD thrived in daycare. I think it helped her socially. For me my#1 priority on weekends and nights is the kids. I don't look at work until they are in bed and I try and save chores for nap time. When I'm with them I try and give 100%.

MommyAtty · December 2014

I love being a working mom. My kids are so much better off with a mommy who is fulfilled. Also, my female friends from high school who had stay at home moms are, frankly, pretty jacked up as a result. (I'm not saying this is always the case, just what I've seen in this limited sample.) They seem to feel they are "wrong" if they work and their husbands are failures if they can't earn enough for the women to just stay at home. So it's important to me to model for my daughter being a woman who earns money in a career that she loves. I want her and my son to understand that women with ambition aren't odd or unnatural or out of the ordinary. Even if we won the lottery or came in to a huge inheritance or otherwise didn't need to work at all, I still would. It's that important to me.

Be prepared that it's going to be hard at first. On those days, when you cry in the car on your way to work (and yes, we all have those days at some point), it might be helpful to have a list of the reasons you work. So you can save for college. So you can show your kids that it's okay for women to work. To have good health insurance. Because it keeps you from having to live in your parents' basement. Whatever the reasons are, it helps to be able to articulate them. As cheesy as it sounds, I kept the list in the sun visor of my car until my first child was about 7 mos old.

NicoleWI · December 2014

(lurking again) I am now a SAHM, since my eldest was a little more than 5. Just wanted to say that I feel for you. Going back after ML, especially with my first baby, was REALLY hard for me. I couldn't even talk about it without crying and it was super, super difficult. I cried most of my first morning back at work!!!! So embarrassing. But, people were really nice.

It truly does get better with time. It's a huge transition to go back to work, but especially if you like your job/are good at it, you will probably find a "new normal" again fairly quickly. I'm glad now that I had the experience of both working with kids and staying home with them--I really appreciate having both perspectives. There really are pros and cons on both sides. And, I had a lot of good experiences at work over the years I was working WITH kids, too. I think I grew a lot, personally, over those five years. We certainly did like my income and benefits, too! The thing I miss most is my awesome health insurance!!! It was still hard, but not as totally gut wrenching, for me to go back after the next two babies.

I know how hard it can be. Be gentle with yourself and just expect it to take a little time. I planned little treats for myself at work, too, like lunches out with friends or coffee dates---things I couldn't do when at home, that helped me get through the first weeks. Best wishes.

*sparky* · December 2014

That sounds like me after I had my first LO. I cried while on ML, I cried when I went back to work, I cried when I got home from work because I had missed my LO. But it was so counterproductive and SAH was really not an option so I just wasted my time that I did have at home feeling sorry for myself instead of enjoying it. Like someone else said, the anticipation really is the worst part. Then once you go back the first couple of weeks can be really hard because you are tired, still hormonal, etc. but it does get better and after a while you appreciate being able to crank the music in your car, being able to run to Target alone, go to lunch with your friends, etc.

My DS is now 9 years old and all if that is such a distant memory and I am so glad I kept working. He has never once begrudged me for working or seemed to feel neglected in any way. It is a balancing act for sure, but he knows he is a priority and he is well cared for and that is what matters.

I recently had my second child and this time I really wanted to go back to work and I think there was one time at the end of my ML that I got weepy for a few minutes but that was about it. I know I need to work, not just for financial reasons but for my mental well being, and I know my kids are ok.

A good friend sent me this when I was getting ready to go back to work after this kiddo and I think it's a great quote.

Good luck!

shakinros · December 2014

It is tough to get to the new normal, but it will come. As PW says, anticipation is the worst part. It actually is nice to have someplace to go each day and outside responsibilities and other adults to talk to. My DD is 28 mos now and she knows "mommy's going to work!" It's amazing to get a big smile and hug at the end of the day when you get home too. ( Obv yours has to get a bit older for that but even at 5-6 months they'll light up when you walk back in the room.) DD learns songs we don't know in daycare and is so excited to see her teachers. She asks about Miss Kathy on the weekends.

It'll come. Give it a few months back but you will hit your groove.

Katelobster · December 2014

mrssqueegy said:

MommyAtty said:

I love being a working mom. My kids are so much better off with a mommy who is fulfilled. Also, my female friends from high school who had stay at home moms are, frankly, pretty jacked up as a result. (I'm not saying this is always the case, just what I've seen in this limited sample.) They seem to feel they are "wrong" if they work and their husbands are failures if they can't earn enough for the women to just stay at home. So it's important to me to model for my daughter being a woman who earns money in a career that she loves. I want her and my son to understand that women with ambition aren't odd or unnatural or out of the ordinary. Even if we won the lottery or came in to a huge inheritance or otherwise didn't need to work at all, I still would. It's that important to me.

Be prepared that it's going to be hard at first. On those days, when you cry in the car on your way to work (and yes, we all have those days at some point), it might be helpful to have a list of the reasons you work. So you can save for college. So you can show your kids that it's okay for women to work. To have good health insurance. Because it keeps you from having to live in your parents' basement. Whatever the reasons are, it helps to be able to articulate them. As cheesy as it sounds, I kept the list in the sun visor of my car until my first child was about 7 mos old.

Um, okay.

Apparently we can't talk about being a working mom without resorting to bashing SAHMs. It's not "you're going to be a great role model for your daughters", it's "daughters of SAHMs are jacked up."

emberlee3 · December 2014

It is completely normal to feel nervous and sad about leaving your baby to go to work.

When my son was born, I was beginning my third and final year of medical residency. I worked 80 hrs / week, with 30 hour shifts every 3rd or 4th night. With my commute, I was away from DS over 90 hrs/week, and often for 36 hrs at a time (because I went home to sleep while he stayed in daycare). We caught up with each other by bedsharing for close to a year. And, somehow, I even managed to be there for all of his "firsts."

2chatter · December 2014

Benefits for kids: They have these amazing little lives and develop so quickly and wonderfully in the right DC setting. They have meaningful relationships, learn how to cooperate with others, get a curriculum (yes, even infants) and very importantly see that work is valued and valuable - both for them and for us.

Benefits for moms: I think work life balance should apply to ALL moms, but really, I don't know many SAHMs who buy in. I think ALL moms are more fulfilled if they can develop a passion for something outside of their family. Hobby, craft, work, etc.

Don't focus on what you are missing, because really, you are not. Focus on the time and quality of the time you do have. It might mean not doing laundry until there are literally no clean socks in the whole house, but it gets done. Enjoy the full spectrum of your life.

nattyncbride · December 2014

Just wanted to second what PPs said. Anticipation is worse than actually going back, it takes a little while to get in the groove of things, but your child will not just do fine, but thrive in daycare, and enjoy your ML while you have it.

We are rooting for you!

bumpuser10331514 · December 2014

The anticipation is definitely the worst part. It's not going to be like you're imagining. You won't be "gone" and he won't be alone. He'll be playing and growing and learning to be independent and social. You'll be a role model to him. You're not going back to the way things were as if your son was never born. It's a new normal and your family is with you all the time, even when you're not together.

I kept saying to people after DS was born that I thought *this* was the best time and I wanted everything to stay frozen in time. Then someone said to me, "You think that about every stage, but it just keeps getting better." She was so, so right. Try to get your head out of the future and focus on now, b/c it's "now" that you'll miss. The future will be fine.

Hope I didn't get sappy there. Just in case, say goodbye to shoes that match your outfit - unless you're wearing white, spit-up colored ones.

dashofreality · December 2014

I'm with @ClaryPax‌. I do think it is hard with your first in an infant. You already have so much going on and while I don't think a good DCP is harmful, I don't feel there is much benefit until they are a bit older (both kids were in DCP at 12 weeks though). That aside I am so I still have my job. I did drop my hours some and now WFH but the kids and I are all much happier that I work. The kids get tons of benefit from DCP and trust me there will be some days that going to work is a break!

BabyHope2013 · December 2014

Everything the previous posters said is true. I remember my last few weeks of maternity leave being so sappy and sad. I think I cried every day at the near thought of not being able to hold DS every second. But I also need to remember that I reached a point in my maternity leave where I had crazy cabin fever and was actually jealous that DH could do to work and socialize with other adults while I was getting spit up on all day.

I love having the balance of being a mom and working. Balance isn't what I always feel like I have--but you develop a new normal. I am constantly busy---with very little down time. I do get jealous of my stay at home mom friends sometime. But perhaps there are some SAHM's who feel the same way about working moms--who knows.

I will say that I think I am a better mom for working--I truly live in the moment with DS and try to plan fun things to do with our time together. And we are so fortunate to have such an amazing daycare that he goes to every day. He is a better little person for it too, I am positive. He is learning so much more about socializing, understanding boundaries and how to do things by watching those around him.

It just takes time to see all of this. It's ok to be sad---but just try to focus on the time you have with him, not the time you are away from him when you do go back.

kmh2201 · December 2014

CTGirl30 said:

My kids are now 3.5yrs and 18mo. Both have been in the same center since 3mo of age.

There are SO many positives that outweigh the negatives, for us.

1. They potty-trained my older child. Enough said.

2. DD can now write her name and has learned SO much from the wonderful teachers & curriculum they have there. I feel like they really do an excellent job teaching concepts from colors to letters to counting to writing and so on.

3. Their friends. They really do get a great benefit learning to navigate social situations with other children - sharing / helping / taking turns / being kind to each other and learning how to be a good friend.

4. On days when my prechooler is giving me endless attitude and my toddler is a whining mess, I enjoy dropping them off at school and we all get a break from each other.

5. I'm a much better mom having the balance in my life of not being home all day long on Mom Duty. I like having my own work life apart from my family life - I feel like I appreciate the time I do spend with my family that much more since I'm not doing it All. Day. Long.

6. My kids enjoy positive interactions with a variety of trusted caregivers - not just Mom and Dad. There's low turnover at their school so the same teachers who had my daughter in the toddler program now have my son.

This pretty much sums it up for me, except mine are 5 yo and close to 4. My DCP (in-home) is like a mentor mom to me. She has so many helpful suggestions!

Beevol · December 2014

How I felt at 6 weeks postpartum and how I felt at 3 months postpartum were completely different animals. Mostly it was the hormones shifting, but a big part of it was getting into the swing of things as a mom.

CarrieB. · December 2014

Ditto all PPs, anticipation is way worse then reality. Just enjoy your leave. When you go back to work, it will be hard, but it gets easier and if you love your job all the better.

And my mom was a SAHM on and off through my childhood, and my two sisters and I are certainly not "jacked". I have a lot of respect for what she did. And the financial realities of the 80s were a lot different then what we have today.

yvanehtnioj · December 2014

I cried my eyes out the first morning, and again the second. By the third I was feeling much better. We're in a groove now. I miss Henry at work and sometimes I wish I could've stayed home for the first year but I am grateful for the time I got (13 weeks).

When I'm home I try to do what PPs have said-- I am there when I am there. We changed how we ate (no more recipes 4 nights a week- now it's simple throw-it-on-the-grill stuff to minimize cleanup & prep time). I don't do any work at home, and I make an effort to put away my phone and leave the chores until after Henry goes to bed. Some days I don't get that much time with him, but if the time I get is spent snuggling and playing it feels really good.

One thing that helps me is not thinking about the money I make as money, but rather what it means to our family: retirement, college savings, the ability to buy healthy food, etc. Because sure, we could find a way to "make it work" if I stayed home but there's no way we'd be getting by and building a future.

ETA: more words

TheBorg7of9 · December 2014

Try not to dwell on going back to work. It takes away from enjoying your time at home. Easier said than done, I know. If you go back to work and hate it, then you can work on fixing that later. But for now, just focus on yourself and your baby.

[Deleted User] · December 2014

My child's teachers and caregivers are extended family at this point. He is four and still hugs his Infant teacher every morning at school.

Focus on quality not quantity. I know that's cliche.

My mom worked. Her mom worked. My great grandmother worked. All I've known is women with careers. I have positive memories of daycare. I trust my son will as well.

MickeyM04 · December 2014

I did not read all the previous responses but I just want to say, it is definitely hard at first, and to some extent it is always hard. But there are a lot of benefits other than the added income and health insurance.

1. I appreciate my kids so much more when I am not with them 24-7. It sounds awful but on my ML with my second child, I realized that I appreciated my kids so much more when I was not with them 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I felt like I really cherished our time together as opposed to just waiting for DH to get home and help me.

2. DD is too little really for me to see a benefit from DC now, but DS has flourished immensely in DC. It is really shocking. When he started DC in February (we had a nanny), we were looking at referrals for speech pathologists, because he could only say 7 words at 22 months. Now he speaks in complete sentences, paragraphs, has memorized and "reads" our bedtime books to us at night, drinks from a cup, is starting to use the potty (which is completely thanks to DC since Lord knows I am horrible about encouraging him to use it at home), eats better (when he started DC he was one of those kids that only ate hot dogs and fruit), puts on his own coat, gloves, hat and shoes, and has just developed immensely. I am 100% convinced this would not be the case if I were home all the time, since he had a nanny up until he was almost 2 and he had basically none of these skills, and I'm sure our nanny was better trained at early childhood stuff than I am.

3. At some point, your child will likely love DC or the nanny or whatever your childcare situation is. DS asked us on Saturday (as he often does), "I go to school today?" He is always excited to go in the morning and loves showing us his artwork that he made and telling us about his friends. This is not a substitute for mom but just an added bonus.

4. You will be a great role model for your child. SAHMs are great role models too, don't get me wrong. But I am so glad that DD will see me going to work every day and coming home and taking care of my family and being a great mom and think that she can do it all (we will ignore the whole Lean In, can working moms really have it all debate for now). I am glad that DS will grow up seeing me work and be a good mom and hopefully have added respect for his wife someday should she choose to work outside the home.

Try not to worry about it too much now. The anticipation truly is the worst part. In 6 months this will just be your normal rather than something to be feared or dreaded every day. Best of luck to you and know that you are doing what is best for your family!

potbellypig · December 2014

I haven't read posts above so maybe these are repeats:

I love giving my kids the daycare experience. They are making more friends and learning more (letters, sharing etc.) than I could provide on my own.
I love having financial security. We could afford to have me stay home at least part time, but I like being able to go out and buy "extras" without having to worry about it.
I am 100% into my job when I'm at work, and I am ready to be 100% into my kids when I get home. When I'm on mat leave, I find that I'm only ever 70% into my kids. They get the best of me when I'm working (most of the time...of course there are days when I get home and I'm preoccupied).

The first little while is tough. I won't lie, getting myself/the kids ready in time is always challenging for me, and being so organized all of the time can be exhausting, even now after a few years of being a working mom. However, I don't miss my kids every minutes like I used to. I know they are having fun with their peers and learning lots.

jess9802 · December 2014

The anticipation is absolutely worse than the reality - at least for me. I was a little teary on the drive to the office my first day, but within a couple of days it was no big deal and just our new routine. We had (have) a care arrangement that I trusted and was happy to have, and I think that's a huge part of making a successful transition. I gave myself a full year of scaled back work duties - I still worked full time, but I stopped going to networking events or volunteering, because I wanted to minimize the time away from my family.

The best advice I got was to go back to work toward the end of the week. I worked a half day on Thursday and a half day on Friday, then back full time on Monday. It made the transition SO much easier (and I went back when DS was eight weeks old). I also got a massage and a hair cut before I returned to work and bought new clothes - it was nice to pamper myself a bit before returning and certainly helped me feel more normal.

Good luck, but in the meantime, enjoy your maternity leave and try not to think about going back to work.

banks81 · December 2014

My positive experience / advice - I started back at work on a Wednesday and took DD starting on Monday to daycare. 1) We were paying for the full week, regardless and 2) it gave me 2 days of "practice runs" before I was actually back at work. Best decision! My DH and I had a day date on Monday and I had a "Me" day on Tuesday. It was DH's idea and I was hesitant at first because I felt like a bad mom, but was so glad I did it! I cried on the first day, but then we were going out to do something fun, so it kept my mind off of it.

So, to piggyback to advice on a PP, if you can return to work mid-week and do 1 or 2 practice days (or 1/2 days), that should help.

tacosandtums · December 2014

Thank you all for your amazing responses and encouragement. It means a lot and I am grateful for all the posts.

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