Need Advice from PGAL ladies

blackpearl08 · December 2014

I have an issue with an employee and need advice. I wasn't sure of it was appropriate to bring it here because I don't want to trigger/upset anyone.

One of our employees who is a high performer but also high maintenance is asking for special accommodations that would allow her extended time out of the office for 3-4 months to emotionally heal from a miscarriage suffered at 10 weeks.

This person has antagonized a lot of ppl on her team and she wants to keep the loss private so everyone will see her getting special treatment and they won't know why. I think her demands are very excessive but I haven't been there so not sure if my instincts are right.

Would you give her the accommodation she requests for 3-4 months? Say no outright? Or offer her no more than 4-6 weeks?

[Deleted User] · December 2014

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Sarahbmcd · December 2014

As hard as it is, that amount of time isn't reasonable. I had a week off work, but a lot of women don't even get that. On top of that, at the time I was a nanny for a newborn. I had a hard time but I pulled through and did my job. There were times I would cry just holding the baby or watching her sleep, but I still had to move on with my life. I'm thankful I did, going on with my everyday stuff helped me heal.

Everyone is different, however, multiple months off isn't necessary in my opinion.

Unknown · December 2014

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Leslie2003 · December 2014

Is this in the US?

Even if it is, I don't think this type of leave would be covered under FMLA. I'd be inclined to say you can give her 3-4 weeks, but then after that, her job would be in jeopardy.

I've had 3 losses, plus I lost a triplet/twin in my first successful pregnancy. The most I ever asked for was a week (2nd loss, triplet/twin loss due to bleeding). I would never expect to take more than that, and still have my job to come back to.

I agree, emotional healing from loss is incredibly hard, even 2 kids later (and another on the way), I still end up drained and sad about my miscarriages, but life has to move on and going back to work is a normal thing. One that even though it's tough really helps with normalcy.

Lalalady54 · December 2014

I had a loss over the summer at 12 weeks, I took the day of my d&c off and went back to work the next week. (I only work 3 days a week, so I really had 5 days before going back to work). I needed to go back to help me get my mind off things. That being said I don't know this women's situation, she has maybe had multiple losses, she may be struggling with more complications, repeat loss testing, infertility treatments, fears, and anxieties. I think loss can be completely consuming, however I am not sure what will change over 3-4 months, I think 4-6 weeks is more than generous. (Perhaps if she could tell you why she wants the extended time, drs appointments, more aggressive fertility treatments?)

(I just want to add I work in a position where the week after I lost my pregnancy I found myself helping a family work through the loss of their baby in the NICU, it was tough but sometimes I wonder if because of that being a large part of my job if it changed the way I coped with my own loss and if I didn't have direct training to help others with loss of their children if I would have needed more time)

This is just so tough, because loss is just not widely talked about or accepted so it's hard to say what in the corporate world should be accepted

good luck.

freespiritedmama · December 2014

I have not dealt with a loss so I cannot speak from personal experience. But, my best friend and sister both have, and neither took off even one day over their required appts for DNC's and follow ups. A loss is a traumatic event, and women do handle it differently and that's okay. But I think 3-4 months is very excessive. Some that lose a loved one (parent, sibling, spouse,etc) don't even take that long. I would remain sensitive to her needs but offer her 4 weeks (that's an entire month), and go from there.

mlbrooks619 · December 2014

It does seem excessive. Everyone deals with loss differently, but I do feel this is excessive. I took off the day of my D&C and I think 2 or 3 days after that... and I worked from home during those days. I don't want to judge though, you never know what someone is going through.

rivers714 · December 2014

I don't consider myself a true PGAL, because my loss was after donating my eggs, it was very unplanned, and I only knew I was pregnant about a week when I had a loss at 11 weeks. I had assumed my symptoms were just residual symptoms from the fertility shots. So I feel like from your post my experience fits your coworkers.

After the initial miscarriage where my doctor and I had wrongly assumed I had passed everything, I took two days off. Mostly to just kinda cope with finding out I was pregnant/misscarrying/and followup... which happened between a Sun-Tues time frame.

A month later I started bleeding very badly, I had retained products of conception, I spent the night in the hospital because of the excessive bleeding and IV antibiotics to make sure there wasn't an infection. I took two more days off just due to exhaustion- I'm guessing from blood loss- I probably should have taken a little more time off, I was working as an embryologist at the time, so we talked about babies constantly, which was hard.

manacita · December 2014

If she had lost living child, would you give her 3-4 months off?

One of my biggest issues with miscarriages and how our society views them is the idea of 'not a real baby.' So make this a real baby, a living child, and decide.

Is she asking for a mental health leave of absence?

Does she want to be paid at all? I'd offer standard bereavement pay and then she can take her vacation and sick.

Do you have a short term disability policy at your work? Those are 6 weeks and can cover mental illness.

I'd give her two weeks or, at most, a month. I really wish I had taken a week off for one of my mc. But I would have taken it as bereavement and sick time, just as if it had been a 'real child.'

Good luck!

swinslow2 · December 2014

I've had 2 losses and after the first i took two weeks off and i will say that even after that amount of time, i came back and was not mentally there in my work. I was a walking zombie. However the second time, not that it was easier ionly took a week off and once i got back to work and surrounded myself with ppl to talk to and things to do it was so much easier to deal with. My husband was deployed so, like her in a way i didnt have who i wanted there most. I do think that amount of time is too much but maybe she could tell you what her plans are and maybe theres a way for you to give her the advice that working will in fact keep her mind off things after a short time of mourning and visiting BD. Good luck its a touchy subject

mpiemont · December 2014

Do you have a bereavement policy that would apply had she lost another loved one in her immediate family?

Having suffered a miscarriage at 9 weeks I know it can be devastating. I am sure having to return to work right away is challenging, but taking several months off would likely not be possible in most jobs, regardless who may have passed away (child, parent, spouse, etc).

I would think that you can offer her what you would offer anyone else who had a death in their immediate family- if she has vacation/PTO to use, maybe she can use that under whatever the company's policy is.

stephaniesee · December 2014

I've had quite a few losses and personally I needed to get myself back into work so I didn't sulk around but everyone is different. I do feel that amount of time is excessive, unless there's something else going on and she's using that?

Unknown · December 2014

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MAdams728 · December 2014

I think her request is over the top. The four weeks is reasonable, although unusual. Four months on top of that in a job that doesn't telecommute well is asking too much of the company and her co-workers.

jessicamaister · December 2014

Give her the time off.

LimaD · December 2014

blackpearl08 said:

Thanks ladies. I apologize for not being clearer in my post. We have encouraged her to max out her leave and she will take 4 weeks off. She is asking to telework for an additional 4 months from across the country so she can be with BD who lives far away. Her work isn't conducive to teleworking and she doesn't work well with her teammates so it means more work for them. I am having issues with the telework request which I referred to as the special accommodation.

(Stuck in quote box)
I think it's great she's getting the 4 weeks off; I know I would have definitely needed at LEAST a couple weeks off. I cried in public constantly during that time and it wouldn't have been any different at work. There's no way I would have been focused enough to be productive. As much as it sucks, if her work isn't conductive to her request, you don't need to feel bad for saying no. 4 months is a lot of time to ask for if her job doesn't even translate well into working from across the country...

missiep86 · December 2014

I took the Friday and Monday off and left early on Wednesday and Thursday because I started to miscarry on Wednesday, I stopped bleeding, then it began again on Thursday. I miscarried on Friday, took the weekend to myself to do what I wanted, and had a Dr. appointment on Monday. I was good to go back on Tuesday. I feel that the time she is asking for is ridiculous and she is using it as an excuse for something she wanted to do anyway.
I do understand that everyone mourns differently. But I don't look at it the same as losing a living child.

littlecookie · December 2014

I think it's reasonable to give her whatever the company policy for any loss. It's great you all have already decided she can have 4 weeks off. If her job does not translate well to telework, I don't think it's fair to the team to accommodate it. If she wants to take the time off unpaid, I'd probably try and make that happen if it were possible.

abethany · December 2014

When my younger brother died in an accident and again when my mother died, I took FMLA leave for my own mental health for several months.

Honestly, the circumstances of her leave, and how serious her relationship and family planning were, are none of her employers business. She likely shared because of her vulnerable state. I would advise her to talk to her doctor about next steps for handling her situation and advise her to look into her options with FMLA and the existing policies at your office with HR. If you're her supervisor co-worker, I'd back out of it and be supportive for whatever she decides. You don't want to put yourself in a sticky situation and HR should be equipped to handle things.

scubakate · December 2014

FMLA only gives 3 months. I have never heard of someone being allowed to take 4 months leave for a non-work related injury or illness and have their job saved. Teleworking is a perk of a job not a right. I say allow her the 4 weeks since that is what she has PTO, but then if she needs more it needs to be FMLA.

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Me (28) DH (34) actively TTC since 2010

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