FFFC

janda426 · December 2014

@mwerren‌ that's ridiculous. Screw them for not finding the joy in your pregnancy after so long. I'm sure your FIL would've been so happy to have a grandchild and they're being incredibly selfish. It's THEIR loss when they miss out on that relationship- not yours. What does your H say? Mine would've lost his mind on his sister or mom for ever acting that way.

JCWhitey · December 2014

lawsonellis said:

@JCWhitey‌ I will be a FTM when my LO gets here so we will see if my opinion changes, but I would say I disagree with that. I am *also* a VERY hard worker, always giving 100%. I've risen quickly in every company I've been at and know when it's time to pull more weight. I've been incredibly overworked but also incredibly rewarded for it. Here's the thing: my experience shows that if allowed, most people will slack if they have no motivation to do otherwise. Whether they have kids or not. Hard workers are hard workers and minimalists are just that. With that said- if you apply for a job, know its requirements thoroughly and be prepared to fulfill them, personal life notwithstanding. If there comes a time when you can no longer fill the job requirements, then it's time to have a discussion with your boss or find a position you can fill. They're paying a person to do a set of things. The end. What lies outside of that is not their concern, not should it be. I think the reason that those of us who work really hard get annoyed has nothing to do with the person'a situation, rather, we hold them to the same standard that we hold ourselves and the fact is they do not share that view. If the world were perfect we'd all be go getters like us, regardless of our child situation and would pull together to get stuff done. Sadly, it's not the case

I actually really agree with everything you just wrote! And yeah, I guess I shouldn't say childless co-workers just anyone who doesn't carry their own weight. In the place where I work the three of us with kids seem to work/sub way more than those who don't and in our case I feel like a couple of those people could/should really step it up. I'm one of those people who will fill in for someone if asked even if it means working during my one day off a week, but I feel like when I need to take time off for something it's like pulling teeth to get people to fill in for me. For instance this weekend I have a work related meeting I need to go to so I needed to find a sub to cover my Saturday shift. The only person willing to do it is my boss who already works 60+ hours a week and has a 4 month old. That felt just so unfair to me when I know a couple of people are fully able to work, they just don't want to wake up early on Saturday because they are going out Friday. So I realized this week I need to start telling people that I need my days off to be with my family and I can't fill in all the time. I'll feel like a dick but I know I can't keep working 50-60 hours a week like this anymore.

kcbizme · December 2014

saucylittlemonkeygirl said:

kcbizme said:

janda426 said:

I pick my nose every morning

Me too. I blow but sometimes it's just not enough. My H is worse than me. We just have to be careful not to do it in front of his DD because she's a sponge and we're trying to teach her NOT to pick her nose (because the fingers ultimately end up in her mouth - yucko!)

I pick mine too! I have a nose ring and the boogs constantly get stuck to it.

I used to have one and took it out last year for whatever reason. No more boogie problems with the ring! LOL

wishiwaspreggo · December 2014

zebraleg4lunch said:

My FFFC (I'm not even sure if it's really flame worthy) is I find a lot of the articles that are meant to empower single or child-free by choice women insulting. I don't personally care if someone doesn't want to be in a relationship or have kids that's up to them but articles like "25 reasons to not settle down before 25" or "Why I'm brave for choosing to not have kids" are obnoxious. Just because the author isn't ready to "settle down" before 25 doesn't mean others aren't. I feel like these articles put down women how make I guess more "traditional" choices.

I'm with you. I hate pretty much all articles that bash other women for their choices. Or who exaggerate the hell out of certain situations. Like when I read those "25 Awful Things That Happen to Pregnant Women" I read it and am like "Nope... nope... nope... eh, maybe sometimes... yeah, that sort of sucks but it's not really THAT bad... nope... nope, never had that." Those articles used to scare the shit out of me before I got pregnant and set me up for some crazy expectations. Few of them have been met thus far. I take those articles with a grain of salt now.

Skrittens · December 2014

My FFFC - I eat at McDonalds way too much. I enjoy it - and don't feel guilty.

And this post is way too long but the work topic - just really gets to me

it's hard to be the single person who has to pick up the slack - no time to date or even be in a relationship.

It's hard to be of a different religion or culture than the rest of your team.

It's hard to be the engaged person who has to plan a wedding and pick up the slack and go above to progress.

It's hard to be the person with a long term illness that requires medication and frequent dr appts - and not only keep up with work, but pick up slack and go above.

It's hard to be the person struggling with infertility and failed adoptions - having to go to dr appts and manage heartbreaks ...and all of it is hard.

It's hard to be the pregnant lady - I'm sure no explanation needed. Again...all of it is hard.

I don't have a child yet - but expect it to be a different kind of difficult. I need to manage expectations of my colleagues - and my own expectations. Not much different than at every other stage in life.

I am happy to pick up the slack for colleagues who have to pick up their sick kid from work - and I am just as happy to pick up the slack for a single colleague who has a date. Does everyone pick up my slack - some do, some don't. So far, all stages of life have been challenging - and I don't expect to be rewarded for not going above and beyond. And if I can't handle the responsibility of my job I should ask for a demotion or work part time.

TL;DR - It is just as hard, if not harder, to put in 110% as a single person, as a married person, as a person covered under ADA, as an infertile person, and as a pregnant lady. It sucks to have work dumped on us at any stage but it's sink, tread water, swim, or ask for a life jacket. I don't care if you can only put in 90%, but don't expect me to pick up your 10% just because my personal circumstances are different - if you need it ask me to do it because you would be willing to do the same.

JCWhitey · December 2014

RQuinlin said:

pearsforpoops said:

Re: Working with children etc.

I was a 110% worker before I had Haden. I moved up in my company quickly and I was the one always picking up the slack for other people. When I got back from maternity leave it was clear I didn't have the same drive. That sounds awful. I didn't want to stay late because I wanted to pick up my kid. I didn't want to work on Saturday because I wanted to hang out with my kid.

The difference between me and what JCWhitey is saying, though - I think - is that I don't expect others to do my work for me. I expect me to do my work I'm just no longer necessarily doing other people's work. I expect that I won't receive as high of a rating and as much of a raise/bonus. I expect that I won't be offered as many opportunities as I was before. I expect that I won't be handed a promotion again anytime soon.

WTF is my point? I think it's something about I get what JC is saying about not having as much for my job now that I have a kid at home, but I also think the onus needs to be a personal one, not one placed on my coworkers.

If that made sense to anyone I'll make you cookies.

I think it's completely fair to not have the same drive as you once did as long as your still doing YOUR job. We should never be expected to do anyone else's job, although we are and we do sometimes. I also agree that you should not expect the same raises, promotions, etc. that you experienced beforehand. We are all hired/promoted with the understanding that we need to meet certain expectations. If we can't meet them anymore we don't deserve special treatment and need to accept what comes with our inabilities.

I should clarify that I feel like part of doing my job specifically is to do my job but also support those around me. I'm only really supposed to work 40 hours, but I usually work an average of 50 just because I like being helpful and step in where I can. I actually like branching out and doing things outside of my job to change things up a bit. At least, I did. Now I find those things to be time consuming and stressful more often than I find them fun. But I keep doing them because I feel like I should and people keep asking. Only this week I finally told my boss that I feel like I need to stop offering to do things outside of my job because I feel like I get WAY too close to deadlines in my own department for my comfort and don't spend as much time with my son as I should.

But at the same time I still feel like a good employee is one who does their job AND helps out others. I don't feel like I'm doing things 100% unless I add in that element. Hence why I feel like I need to do things only 90% for my family and my sanity. I expect no one else to do my job at all, just stop asking me to help do theirs. Which, again, totally unfair of me because I still expect that of them.

wishiwaspreggo · December 2014

knitnut said:

My mom wants to throw me a shower: great! She insists on throwing it after the baby has arrived, because that's how her shower was done: ugh! I don't want to pass my baby around to a room full of people. I'm thinking of telling her no.

My mom's been weird about shower-related stuff. She offered to have her and my dad buy C and I a "big ticket" item and asked us what we still needed. I sent her links to our stroller, monitor, and Pack and Play and told her she could buy any of those and we'd be happy.

She came back with offering to get us a gift card or offering to buy us something else. I was a little surprised because I didn't think anything we were asking for was unreasonable. Then she finally admitted that she didn't want to buy any of those things because it wasn't "any fun." Okay... sorry my shower requests don't meet your shopping excitement expectations?

So now she's saying she just wants to get me something sentimental. Which is fine, but I'm annoyed that she offered to buy us something we actually really need and would be tremendously useful and now she's taking it back. She even went so far as to say she wanted to wait to buy something until after the baby is born, which is completely baffling.

My mom has just been way weirder about my pregnancy than I ever expected. She was so damned eager to have grandkids and it's all she talked about for like, 5 years. And now that she has one on the way she's barely acting like she's interested at all and has been treating it more like an imposition.

mwerren · December 2014

Thank you ladies. I wasn't expecting such support on this. I feel guilty because I do feel that I'm being selfish by wanting them to be excited for the first baby in our family. I'm upset that they don't want to spend the holidays with us and I feel really bad that my husband ultimately had to choose between his family and his wife because of this. I just wish they'd come around but I'm so upset that they haven't even checked in on LO that I'm not sure I even went them in her life when she's born.

kcbizme · December 2014

mwerren said:

Thank you ladies. I wasn't expecting such support on this. I feel guilty because I do feel that I'm being selfish by wanting them to be excited for the first baby in our family. I'm upset that they don't want to spend the holidays with us and I feel really bad that my husband ultimately had to choose between his family and his wife because of this. I just wish they'd come around but I'm so upset that they haven't even checked in on LO that I'm not sure I even went them in her life when she's born.

The fact that this is the first baby in the family makes them sound that much worse. If that's the type of people they want to be, you don't need them in your life bringing you and your family down.

JCWhitey · December 2014

wishiwaspreggo said:

zebraleg4lunch said:

My FFFC (I'm not even sure if it's really flame worthy) is I find a lot of the articles that are meant to empower single or child-free by choice women insulting. I don't personally care if someone doesn't want to be in a relationship or have kids that's up to them but articles like "25 reasons to not settle down before 25" or "Why I'm brave for choosing to not have kids" are obnoxious. Just because the author isn't ready to "settle down" before 25 doesn't mean others aren't. I feel like these articles put down women how make I guess more "traditional" choices.
I'm with you. I hate pretty much all articles that bash other women for their choices. Or who exaggerate the hell out of certain situations. Like when I read those "25 Awful Things That Happen to Pregnant Women" I read it and am like "Nope... nope... nope... eh, maybe sometimes... yeah, that sort of sucks but it's not really THAT bad... nope... nope, never had that." Those articles used to scare the shit out of me before I got pregnant and set me up for some crazy expectations. Few of them have been met thus far. I take those articles with a grain of salt now.

Yesssss!!! My friend recently posted a reply to one of those articles about "10 things to do before you get married" or whatever and argued that everything on that list is something a married person is capable of doing, and often more enjoyable when you have someone else to do them with (like travel, go to bars, etc.). It was very true. I traveled a ton when I was single and by myself and even though I travel a lot less now, it's more interesting and fun when I have DH and DS along. Solo traveling can be extremely boring!

And the pregnancy ones really crack me up. I think if all of them were true no one would ever have a second child!

Skrittens · December 2014

@wishiwaspreggo‌ - my family is the same way. My grandparents will only buy the crib - whatever crib we want - but it's a crib or naught. My parents will buy the crib mattress - but only if my inlaws buy the changing table that matches the crib I pick. I was on the fence about nursery furniture since we are only having one and plan to cosleep for a while. I would rather have a car seat, wrap, and swing.

I am beyond grateful for my generous family - but parents are weird....

massiejs09 · December 2014

mel7806 said:

I have another one. My half-sister takes a picture of her kids every single day before school and puts it on fb. I understand that she loves her kids but I think this is slightly obnoxious. I totally understand doing it on the first day of school or before special occasion or theme days at school, but she does it every. single. day!

My H's step-sister puts about 10 photos up on FB every day of her daughter (not an exaggeration), who was born in June. Its more than obnoxious. I don't even look at the pics anymore, I just scroll right on past. I don't need to see her kid in every position, outfit, facial expression -- whatever it might be. She's a nice girl and she's excited about our baby because it will be close in age to hers, so a part of me feels slightly guilty that I roll my eyes at her complete over saturation on social media ... but its just too much. I'm honestly surprised that people still 'like' and comment on the pics.

Get Google Drive or iPhoto and share that way.

honkytonk_kid · December 2014

I read a post in a thread on the working moms board the other day that essentially called SAHMs who have help (childcare, housekeeper, etc) bored and boring. I let it bother me WAY too much. Like, I'm still thinking about it and trying to think of ways I'm not boring and justifying how I spend my time.

eta: not cross-board tattling, my point is that I shouldn't care what some random thinks but... apparently I do?

eta again: I work once a week and P goes to preschool 2 days/week

Unknown · December 2014

This content has been removed.

wishiwaspreggo · December 2014

Skrittens said:

@wishiwaspreggo‌ - my family is the same way. My grandparents will only buy the crib - whatever crib we want - but it's a crib or naught. My parents will buy the crib mattress - but only if my inlaws buy the changing table that matches the crib I pick. I was on the fence about nursery furniture since we are only having one and plan to cosleep for a while. I would rather have a car seat, wrap, and swing. I am beyond grateful for my generous family - but parents are weird....

I'm grateful too, but at the same time I kind of wish my parents wouldn't offer anything rather than tell me they're willing to help and take it back. C's mom's been awesome, at least. She got us a really, really nice glider (something we actually *need*) and a few other things, too.

I'm just scared my mom is going to resurrect baby gear from when *I* was born and call it "sentimental." Then I'll feel obligated to keep dusty, outdated, and potentially unsafe shit in my house while we go out and buy brand new, safety-regulated versions of the same damned thing. Seriously, I'd rather have nothing at all than that.

Skrittens · December 2014

@wishiwaspreggo‌ my mom did that. I have my high chair and baby cradle.

peeppeeppeep · December 2014

Um, I'm nannying today and the kids are both napping…and I stole a fancy piece of chocolate out of their Advent calendar. In my defense, they aren't following the dates, just letting their two year old pick a random window after dinner everyday…how bad am I?

wishiwaspreggo · December 2014

While on the one hand I'm sorry you both have crazy moms, @Skrittens and @knitnut - but at the same time I'm relieved I'm not the only one!

My mom tried to give me my old bassinet but C's mom already bought us one (state of the art, swinging, plays music, little lights, and Whinnie the Pooh!) - of course my mom's feelings were hurt over that. If she'd offered it to us months ago like C's mom did maybe I'd have taken her up on it. I'm so sick of her making me feel guilty for getting nice things from other people. I have a feeling she's going to bring a heaping portion of good old fashioned Catholic guilt to my baby shower. Along with a chest full of outdated items I won't be able to use but will feel obligated to keep or risk making her upset.

I vow to never, ever be this fucking weird when my time comes for grandchildren.

colleen4019 · December 2014

Thankfully the only thing that my mom has given me was a book case. It was my dad's when he was a kid and in my room when I was little. We had to clean it & repaint it (it's been in a closet since I moved out).

She's offered other things- like my mobile from over my crib when I was little and books that I really liked that she saved for me- but nothing major.

MrsPope1770 · December 2014

Darbie914 said:

happymamax2 said:

Darbie914 said:

happymamax2 said:

I also didn't know 2nd baby showers were etitquettely rude. Maybe my family doesn't have a lot of that, because everyone in my family who has at least 2 kids (and especially different sexes) has had 2 showers.

But now, I totally see how it is rude to expect ppl to provide for all your kids through showers. It's no one else's responsibility that my h and I wanted a second kid.

What I do find a little hypocritical about the etitquette of only having a baby shower for the first child is it seems acceptable for a the FTM to have multiple showers as long as its the first kid. Like if a FTM has 4 showers that's acceptable bc she's a FTM. But say a STM only had 1 shower when she was becoming a FTM. Having a 2nd shower for the second child is considered rude.

It is FFFC. But I am expecting some flaming on this one. I just want to know what's not tacky about a FTM banking on multiple showers just bc they are a FTM?

Multiple showers for a FTM are acceptable because it's typically a different set of guests for each shower. Guests should never overlap into more than one shower.

So it's seen as different people welcoming you to motherhood, not 4 parties of the same people doing the same thing.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Okay I guess I see that. But I ask because my friend for her first baby had 3 showers and somehow the showers were divided by class/income if I could say. Like her first shower was just for her husbands family which had a regular target/BRU registry attached, then her second shower was with her work friends who had a little bit more money so she gave them a registry to an expensive boutique, then the last one was with her husbands friends and she gave them another target/BRU type of registry. She didn't throw these showers herself, people obviously offered but she did have a say in who was invited to which event.

Which to me is obviously gift grabby to first accept 3 showers and then to divide the guest list based off money. Which is why I didn't see the difference in the faux pas.

Well, that is actually really weird. Am I reading that correctly? She had 3 different showers and provided different registries based on each group's income? If that's accurate, Wow. That's all I can say.

Also, to add to the multiple showers for FTMs, a lot of the time the guest list is dictated by the host. So let's say the MTB's mom wants to host one but can't afford to host her family as well as her DH's family, it would be acceptable for MIL to host a shower of her own (if offered), provided no guests from the first shower attended.

Sometimes one person can't afford to host a huge shower so other people may step up to the plate in order to include others.

I thought the Mom/MIL of the MTB weren't supposed to host?

Skrittens · December 2014

Another FFFC - I plan on being the crazy aunt/mom who gives my nieces and kids family heirlooms. I have been collecting pieces from my grandparents and hope that someone in the generation below me (or two if I last that long) will love hearing the stories behind the keepsakes and treasure them as much as I do. And...these keepsakes also include my baby highchair and cradle that were handmade nearly 40 years ago...

starsailorr26 · December 2014

mwerren said:
Thank you ladies. I wasn't expecting such support on this. I feel guilty because I do feel that I'm being selfish by wanting them to be excited for the first baby in our family. I'm upset that they don't want to spend the holidays with us and I feel really bad that my husband ultimately had to choose between his family and his wife because of this. I just wish they'd come around but I'm so upset that they haven't even checked in on LO that I'm not sure I even went them in her life when she's born.

I'm sorry but they are in the wrong. Don't let anyone tell you any different. Even if your H had to choose, you and your new baby are his family.

graciest719 · December 2014

mwerren said:
Thank you ladies. I wasn't expecting such support on this. I feel guilty because I do feel that I'm being selfish by wanting them to be excited for the first baby in our family. I'm upset that they don't want to spend the holidays with us and I feel really bad that my husband ultimately had to choose between his family and his wife because of this. I just wish they'd come around but I'm so upset that they haven't even checked in on LO that I'm not sure I even went them in her life when she's born.

It's like you are living my parallel life. No one in DH's family, save one of his aunts, gives a shit about us, or our baby.I have not seen or spoken to my FIL since September; his response to finding out I was pregnant was to tell DH that "Women still die in childbirth." (We obviously have a rocky relationship) Things like that have forced him to choose between me and his family. It's a terrible situation. I'm pretty sure they will not be a part of my daughters life.

lawsonellis · December 2014

graciest719 said:

Thank you ladies. I wasn't expecting such support on this. I feel guilty because I do feel that I'm being selfish by wanting them to be excited for the first baby in our family. I'm upset that they don't want to spend the holidays with us and I feel really bad that my husband ultimately had to choose between his family and his wife because of this. I just wish they'd come around but I'm so upset that they haven't even checked in on LO that I'm not sure I even went them in her life when she's born.
It's like you are living my parallel life. No one in DH's family, save one of his aunts, gives a shit about us, or our baby.I have not seen or spoken to my FIL since September; his response to finding out I was pregnant was to tell DH that "Women still die in childbirth." (We obviously have a rocky relationship) Things like that have forced him to choose between me and his family. It's a terrible situation. I'm pretty sure they will not be a part of my daughters life.

To the bolded- that is FUCKED. UP. Did H slug him?? I would've slugged him.

graciest719 · December 2014

It was over the phone. He was pissed to a degree I have never seen. It was scary.

drudolph11 · December 2014

Its sleeting and freezing and i just stopped at the ice cream shop and got ice cream. Cuz who doesn't want ice cream in 20 degree weather lol

jnowosielski · December 2014

You shouldn't have to have an excuse to take advantage of work life balance. You also shouldn't expect others to pick up your slack.

If you choose to have a career and kids you figure it out. If you are an average worker you should be rewarded average.

I have a lot more but this seems to be beaten to death.

mwerren · December 2014

@graciest719‌ holy shit!!! Your FIL sounds horrible. I hope your husband stood up for you. So sorry you are going through the in law drama too. Sending you lots of creepy Internet hugs >:D<

MrsPope1770 · December 2014

EmpireRecords24 said:

knitnut said:
eta quoted information: @MrsPope1770‌ said "I thought the Mom/MIL of the MTB weren't supposed to host? "

Can anyone verify this? If this is true then probably no shower for me. I guess my other confession is I don't know all the baby shower etiquette.

I know they aren't supposed to host bridal showers. Not sure on baby showers, but guessing the same logic holds.

My MIL has mentioned doing one for me and I was unsure of whether or not she was supposed to. She is a sweet lady, but definitely doesn't know (or care, for that matter) about etiquette. My Mom says no she's not supposed to, but I'm sure plenty of people don't follow that "rule"--it gets so hazy in that area. I have no idea, that's why I asked! Lol!

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