3rd tri losses? (no pain olympics allowed!)

forevermyfenix · December 2014

I want to thank @PinkCamino for her thread where she gave everyone an opportunity to share their loss stories. It's so hard to do, but I find it therapeutic to be able to type/talk it all out. And to really learn where everyone is coming from beyond the generic siggy info has been great.

I've read through all of the stories so far, and it has really made me re-realize how shitty this is for EVERYONE. Losing a child, at no matter what gestation, is the worst pain I can think of. I want to make that 100% clear before anyone responds, that a loss, at any gestational age, is just as hurtful and traumatic as any other loss at any other gestational age. I do NOT want to make this a pain Olympics. We all lost a child along with the futures attached to them and it all sucks.

Since I've been here, there's only been one other person that I've been able to remember that had a 3rd tri loss, and she's graduated. And I think there is some unique fuckery that we have to deal with at each stage. I really want to emphasize that each stages fuckery is not better or worse than another stages fuckery. We all lost. I just wish there were more people that understood the unique 3rd tri fuckery. And I wish I felt more comfortable talking about that fuckery without feeling like I'm rubbing my ability to make it to 3rd tri in the faces of ladies who are dealing with the special kind of fuckery that comes with sooner losses. For example, I have no idea what its like to have several 1st or 2nd tri losses and go through IF treatments. But I feel alone and that I can't fully vent here about my phantom kicks and having a perfectly complete nursery and toys and clothing that I walk by every single day. I feel like the majority response might not be said out loud, but I feel like people would in their mind say "Well, at least you got to feel your baby kick, at least you saw that he was healthy before he died, at least you got to hold his full term body" And they'd be right. And I'd feel like I offended people here.

And I by no means want to create a segregation among the group. But, here's my call out for any other ladies with 3rd tri losses to come forth so we can not be so alone in our special fuckery?

Ugh, I've sat here for an hour trinyg to figure out how to type this without hurting anyone. Please please please know I'm not trying to create an us vs. them. I'm not trying to start pain olympics. I just want to know if someone else out there knows the 3rd tri fuckery. Yes, I could stay over at the loss group, but most there are not TTCAL. I consider here my home. So? Any takers?

O2girl · December 2014

I don't know anything about a 3rd Tri loss. After my MC I felt phantom pregnancy fullness so I can only imagine that feeling for you. I do know that it is just all fucking hard and for that (((((hugs)))))

renegadewhit · December 2014

No hurt feelings here, just great big giant ((hugs)). I'm sorry you feel alone, and I'm sorry you're dealing with things that most of us can't relate to. You're right, all loss sucks, and the fuckery you have to deal with sounds pretty fucking unfair.

forevermyfenix · December 2014

I'm so so relieved you ladies understand and you're not hurt. The last thing I want to do is cause more hurt.

ellebelle2384 · December 2014

I'm so sorry. It's not fair at all. I think your feelings are totally understandable and I don't think they are hurtful to anyone else. And when I read about phantom baby kicks I just want to give you a big squishy hug. Thinking of you.

forevermyfenix · December 2014

Anyone? Anyone dealing with a distended mom pooch stomach and covered in stretch marks?

TowerClimbersWife · December 2014

All the (((hugs))) and no hurt feelings.

Shit situation all around. I have a family friend who experienced a 3rd Tri loss. It was rough for her. I wish we had more to offer you in terms of feeling like you aren't alone in your experience. Know we are here for you and that just like you said... we have all had losses, so remember that when you are looking for understanding and support. We can support you in your loss even if we haven't walked the same path you are on! Love and Light to you!

nange12 · December 2014

Definitely not hurt either! I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss. I haven't had a 3rd tri loss but I hope that you find comfort and peace.

Sending you positive thoughts and a big hug!

rslh10 · December 2014

So many ((hugs)) to you. This is in no way the pain olympics/offensive and I highly doubt that anyone would think that. I also can only think of one person. More hugs your way lady.

BookishMomma · December 2014

I think of you often, as well as the grad I believe you're referring to, who got to be a close friend. There is no "at least" when it comes to grief. My heart breaks over & over for our later term loss mamas. ((Hugs))

forevermyfenix · December 2014

@EurydiceNymph thank you thank you thank you for "coming out" so to speak. And thank you for your offer!

Crunkal · December 2014

I don't find any of this hurtful. I just want to give you big squishy hugs. I'm sorry that you feel alone. Know that even though our situations may not be the same, we can still offer love and support.
I'm so sorry for your loss, I could never imagine what you are going through.
((Hugs))

ctk181 · December 2014

I just want to re-iterate what everyone else has said. This was not hurtful or offensive at all and I am glad you had the courage to reach out and try to find someone who can relate to your loss situation. I'm glad you were able to connect with @EurydiceNymph and I hope you it helps you feel less alone. So very many hugs to you.

PinkCamino · December 2014

Honestly, I'm kind of side eyeing this. Not because of the call for later loss moms but the fact you specifically asked for 3rd tri loss moms.If you wanted shared experiences from later loss moms why didn't you ask for that? Cutting it off at 3rd tri excludes all the loss moms who like me experiences a loss passed the first tri.

My girls only made it 21 weeks but I lived through all the experiences you mentioned too. I had to deal with all the "fuckery" that was a late loss too but by this description I don't belong because I didn't make it to the 3rd tri.

ETA: it really bothers me that all the ladies who aren't excluded from this type of post are confirming that it's not offensive. You know it's not offensive how exactly? Don't speak for everyone.

forevermyfenix · December 2014

@PinkCamino‌ im sorry you felt excluded. It was not my intent at all. I debated on using "later loss" instead if 3rd tri, but at the moment I was really wanting to to find other 3rd tri ladies. Not to say that your pain is overwhelmingly different, because it isn't. And 3rd tri loss isn't any more painful than any other loss I don't think (of course since I haven't had earlier losses I don't know first hand, but obviously everyone here hurts in their own unique grieving path.) I just wanted to know if there were any other ladies who were there right at the very end to the point of packing hospital bags.

But regardless of that, I am sorry you felt excluded. I should have changed the term and from that pool of ladies pm the ladies that had the most similar experiences when I felt that no one could relate to my specifically 3rd tri fuckery.

buggirl72 · December 2014

PinkCamino said:
Honestly, I'm kind of side eyeing this. Not because of the call for later loss moms but the fact you specifically asked for 3rd tri loss moms.If you wanted shared experiences from later loss moms why didn't you ask for that? Cutting it off at 3rd tri excludes all the loss moms who like me experiences a loss passed the first tri.

My girls only made it 21 weeks but I lived through all the experiences you mentioned too. I had to deal with all the "fuckery" that was a late loss too but by this description I don't belong because I didn't make it to the 3rd tri.

ETA: it really bothers me that all the ladies who aren't excluded from this type of post are confirming that it's not offensive. You know it's not offensive how exactly? Don't speak for everyone.

This.

I lost Zachary at 20 weeks. I was fortunate in that I had felt him rolling for over 3 weeks. I was fortunate in that I felt him punching and kicking and that my husband also felt those punches and kicks.

I did not have to deal with a nursery only because we planned on buying the crib, stroller, and a bunch of other stuff the weekend he ended up being born. I still have the shopping list in my phone.

Pink and I are in a pretty exclusive club of having children who were born alive, to small for NICU. That fucks you up in a special way - but we also recognize that our pain is no less nor is it any greater than any other woman on this board. We also have both been told by a 3rd tri loss mom that we did not belong on the Loss board because our losses were too soon.

I know you were not trying to offend and I know the club you belong to is very small but you can also post on the loss board - there are third tri loss moms there that can relate to your unique situation. I'm not saying that to be mean or spiteful. It's a great place for support and they have a TTCAL checkin (at least they used to). Late losses bread a different type of fear that no woman should ever have to know. Reach out to them if you have not already.

PinkCamino · December 2014

buggirl72 said:

Honestly, I'm kind of side eyeing this. Not because of the call for later loss moms but the fact you specifically asked for 3rd tri loss moms.If you wanted shared experiences from later loss moms why didn't you ask for that? Cutting it off at 3rd tri excludes all the loss moms who like me experiences a loss passed the first tri.

My girls only made it 21 weeks but I lived through all the experiences you mentioned too. I had to deal with all the "fuckery" that was a late loss too but by this description I don't belong because I didn't make it to the 3rd tri.

ETA: it really bothers me that all the ladies who aren't excluded from this type of post are confirming that it's not offensive. You know it's not offensive how exactly? Don't speak for everyone.

This. I lost Zachary at 20 weeks. I was fortunate in that I had felt him rolling for over 3 weeks. I was fortunate in that I felt him punching and kicking and that my husband also felt those punches and kicks. I did not have to deal with a nursery only because we planned on buying the crib, stroller, and a bunch of other stuff the weekend he ended up being born. I still have the shopping list in my phone. Pink and I are in a pretty exclusive club of having children who were born alive, to small for NICU. That fucks you up in a special way - but we also recognize that our pain is no less nor is it any greater than any other woman on this board. We also have both been told by a 3rd tri loss mom that we did not belong on the Loss board because our losses were too soon. I know you were not trying to offend and I know the club you belong to is very small but you can also post on the loss board - there are third tri loss moms there that can relate to your unique situation. I'm not saying that to be mean or spiteful. It's a great place for support and they have a TTCAL checkin (at least they used to). Late losses bread a different type of fear that no woman should ever have to know. Reach out to them if you have not already.

So many ((hugs)) @buggirl72. I had you in mind when I responded to this.

We had actually ordered our nursery furniture, 2 cribs, 2 changing tables, 2 of everything basically. We had all the supplies we needed including clothes, diapers and bottles. I even had a beautiful double stroller. We had to return it all - returning it was a fucking nightmare because the people at these stores wanted to know why. Telling them why is honestly scarred into my brain forever. I just cried and I think they understood.

I just hate how we're always fucking excluded. It makes me so angry.

buggirl72 · December 2014

PinkCamino said:

buggirl72 said:

PinkCamino said:
Honestly, I'm kind of side eyeing this. Not because of the call for later loss moms but the fact you specifically asked for 3rd tri loss moms.If you wanted shared experiences from later loss moms why didn't you ask for that? Cutting it off at 3rd tri excludes all the loss moms who like me experiences a loss passed the first tri.

My girls only made it 21 weeks but I lived through all the experiences you mentioned too. I had to deal with all the "fuckery" that was a late loss too but by this description I don't belong because I didn't make it to the 3rd tri.

ETA: it really bothers me that all the ladies who aren't excluded from this type of post are confirming that it's not offensive. You know it's not offensive how exactly? Don't speak for everyone.

This.

I lost Zachary at 20 weeks. I was fortunate in that I had felt him rolling for over 3 weeks. I was fortunate in that I felt him punching and kicking and that my husband also felt those punches and kicks.

I did not have to deal with a nursery only because we planned on buying the crib, stroller, and a bunch of other stuff the weekend he ended up being born. I still have the shopping list in my phone.

Pink and I are in a pretty exclusive club of having children who were born alive, to small for NICU. That fucks you up in a special way - but we also recognize that our pain is no less nor is it any greater than any other woman on this board. We also have both been told by a 3rd tri loss mom that we did not belong on the Loss board because our losses were too soon.

I know you were not trying to offend and I know the club you belong to is very small but you can also post on the loss board - there are third tri loss moms there that can relate to your unique situation. I'm not saying that to be mean or spiteful. It's a great place for support and they have a TTCAL checkin (at least they used to). Late losses bread a different type of fear that no woman should ever have to know. Reach out to them if you have not already.

So many ((hugs)) @buggirl72. I had you in mind when I responded to this.

We had actually ordered our nursery furniture, 2 cribs, 2 changing tables, 2 of everything basically. We had all the supplies we needed including clothes, diapers and bottles. I even had a beautiful double stroller. We had to return it all - returning it was a fucking nightmare because the people at these stores wanted to know why. Telling them why is honestly scarred into my brain forever. I just cried and I think they understood.

I just hate how we're always fucking excluded. It makes me so angry.

@PinkCamino, so many ((((hugs)))) back to you. Returning things was awful. I still have the beginning of my cloth diaper supply. They were supposed to be on his cute little butt and I still imagine holding him with those on him.

rmpar29 · December 2014

PinkCamino said:

buggirl72 said:

Honestly, I'm kind of side eyeing this. Not because of the call for later loss moms but the fact you specifically asked for 3rd tri loss moms.If you wanted shared experiences from later loss moms why didn't you ask for that? Cutting it off at 3rd tri excludes all the loss moms who like me experiences a loss passed the first tri.

My girls only made it 21 weeks but I lived through all the experiences you mentioned too. I had to deal with all the "fuckery" that was a late loss too but by this description I don't belong because I didn't make it to the 3rd tri.

ETA: it really bothers me that all the ladies who aren't excluded from this type of post are confirming that it's not offensive. You know it's not offensive how exactly? Don't speak for everyone.

This. I lost Zachary at 20 weeks. I was fortunate in that I had felt him rolling for over 3 weeks. I was fortunate in that I felt him punching and kicking and that my husband also felt those punches and kicks. I did not have to deal with a nursery only because we planned on buying the crib, stroller, and a bunch of other stuff the weekend he ended up being born. I still have the shopping list in my phone. Pink and I are in a pretty exclusive club of having children who were born alive, to small for NICU. That fucks you up in a special way - but we also recognize that our pain is no less nor is it any greater than any other woman on this board. We also have both been told by a 3rd tri loss mom that we did not belong on the Loss board because our losses were too soon. I know you were not trying to offend and I know the club you belong to is very small but you can also post on the loss board - there are third tri loss moms there that can relate to your unique situation. I'm not saying that to be mean or spiteful. It's a great place for support and they have a TTCAL checkin (at least they used to). Late losses bread a different type of fear that no woman should ever have to know. Reach out to them if you have not already.

So many ((hugs)) @buggirl72. I had you in mind when I responded to this.

We had actually ordered our nursery furniture, 2 cribs, 2 changing tables, 2 of everything basically. We had all the supplies we needed including clothes, diapers and bottles. I even had a beautiful double stroller. We had to return it all - returning it was a fucking nightmare because the people at these stores wanted to know why. Telling them why is honestly scarred into my brain forever. I just cried and I think they understood.

I just hate how we're always fucking excluded. It makes me so angry.

Huge ((((HUGS)))) to everyone in the "later loss" club. I'm so sorry to both @PinkCamino and @buggirl72 for giving birth to babies too small for the NICU. I cannot even imagine what a MF that is. I'm astonished that someone told you that you didn't belong on the Loss board. Definitely some pain Olympics going on there!

We had to return all of the cute baby stuff that we had purchased just the week before. I made DH do it because I was still bleeding and couldn't deal with it. The lady at BRU just needed to look at DH to know why he was returning it.

It was a couple days from the time we found out she had passed to the D&E and I kept thinking I felt her kick and move. I made them double and triple check before the D&E because I still felt her. So, yes, I can sympathize with you on those "phantom kicks" @forevermyfenix. Even though it wasn't a 3rd Tri loss, I still went through most of what you mentioned above. Please know that you are not alone.

incir · December 2014

((hugs)) to all the moms on this thread who lost babies later in pregnancy.

I don't have personal experience with this but my aunt lost a daughter at term due to a freak cord accident. I know that loss has stayed with her over 30 years later. I can't imagine the pain, but want you to know that we all support you.

forevermyfenix · December 2014

Buggirl72 and Pink Camino and all other later loss moms who may have felt excluded. I'm so sorry you were treated that way by the loss board and you were made to feel like your loss was "less" because your children were not as old as theirs. I sincerely hope you didn't feel like I was making that connotation or felt like I was of the opinion that you couldn't relate. Obviously I'm still learning your the unique fuckery you had to go through and seeing that we're more alike than different.

I just wish our later loss moms in the 3rd tri didn't feel as if they had to stay quiet for fear of coming off as excluding others.

forevermyfenix · December 2014

Oh, and by love tit I mean thank you for contributing and allowing me to learn from you. I don't love your pain but I love that you feel comfortable enough to help educate me.

Littleowl913 · December 2014

@PinkCamino and @buggirl72 many ((hugs)) to you both. I'm sorry people have made you feel excluded as if you're pain wasn't good enough. I'm particularly upset that people of the Loss Board made you feel you didn't belong there. I don't know if the same people are on the Board but I've been posting a bit since September and everyone has been very supportive (I delivered my son at 22 weeks). The Board is not very active but maybe you could consider giving it another go?

I wouldn't say I was necessarily offended by this post but I did think to myself - I'm not 3rd tri loss but I've had to deal with many of the same hurt and emotions. I think I could relate to some of what OP is feeling but I guess that's not what she's looking for.

bunnybun4 · December 2014

Littleowl913 said:

@PinkCamino and @buggirl72 many ((hugs)) to you both. I'm sorry people have made you feel excluded as if you're pain wasn't good enough. I'm particularly upset that people of the Loss Board made you feel you didn't belong there. I don't know if the same people are on the Board but I've been posting a bit since September and everyone has been very supportive (I delivered my son at 22 weeks). The Board is not very active but maybe you could consider giving it another go?

I wouldn't say I was necessarily offended by this post but I did think to myself - I'm not 3rd tri loss but I've had to deal with many of the same hurt and emotions. I think I could relate to some of what OP is feeling but I guess that's not what she's looking for.

All of this. I've been on the loss board for 2 years now and I have always felt safe and welcome there. So sorry others had bad experiences. It took me forever to lose my pooch...complete with getting asked if I was pregnant by strangers. Ugh. Felt phantom kicks for weeks...had to dry up my milk supply...had to watch my baby die on an ultrasound every few days for a week. Had to have an awful procedure done because her head was measuring way bigger than how old she was...all of it a nightmare. I get that you have a different experience so I don't take offense but I do think I get a lot of what you went through. I have just found it helpful to straddle this board and the loss board. They are really different in so many ways....the loss board is a lot slower and definitely more fragile and gentle....this one is more upbeat and fun while still being supportive.

sunflwra · December 2014

I get the purpose of your post and while both of my losses were 2nd tri, I got to experience some of the same mind fucks that you did but certainly not all of them. I am one of those that thanks whoever it is that's up there that I had my losses when I did rather than later. The thought of having to return all of the baby things, come home to a full blown nursery or handle all of the terrible details of burying your child may have kept me from being able to try again.

I'm so sorry for those that had bad experiences on the Loss board. It was the first place I was referred to with my 20 week loss and those ladies were such a huge help to me. It did get very tough for me to stay there though once we started trying again- it became too much of a constant reminder of the terrible things that can happen.

Big hugs to all who need them. Everyone's got their shit - I hope the post has helped you find a few more support resources when you need them!

forevermyfenix · December 2014

@sunflwra , thank you! What you described about it being tough to stay there when you're wanting to TTC again is eactly why I've shied away a bit. I like that TTCAL includes everyone and doesn't segregate the trimesters. And I love that it's more light-hearted compared to the overwhelming grief on the Loss board. My post here wan't intended to cause segregation, but I wanted to know I wasn't the only only with a 3rd tri loss that is here.

forevermyfenix · December 2014

Greeneyes842 said:

I imagine it would be extremely difficult to go through a loss past first tri. I was still devastated by my early losses, but I can appreciate ladies dealing with a different level of emotions and factors in a later loss. Just wanted to offer some extra (((hugs))) to you. I hope you are able to connect with some later loss ladies for extra support.

Thank you. I wouldn't say that it's "extra" or "leveled" any higher or lower. I really want to stress that I don't think that. 1st tri loss is just as hurtful I think, and I hope our 1st tri ladies don't feel excluded either. It's just nice to know someone else is in your "club" however unfortunate and that you're not the only one.

reginaphilangee · December 2014

I am so sorry for your loss and I really appreciate the care and effort you put into your post.
You are absolutely correct when you say that all losses are equally devastating; you are also correct when you say that different stages of loss each have their own particular mindfuckery. Not more or less by any means, as you made perfectly clear, just different.

With that being said, I don't think your post warrants a "side-eye" at all. @PinkCamino‌ I think I understand what you were saying, but I just disagree with the side-eye. I cannot understand the uniqueness of a second tri loss anymore than I can a third tri loss, but I think the OP made it very clear that she was not minimizing or disregarding anyone's pain. In fact, it seems as if you both have experienced loneliness in your pain and my heart aches for you. You have a unique experience with a second tri loss that others cannot understand unless they have been there themselves. OP simply experienced a third tri loss and wanted to connect with other ladies that had as well. Thats just my two cents and I don't mean to stir up anything. We are all grieving together and I hate it. But I am very thankful for this board and the freedom to grieve with other loss moms.

PinkCamino · December 2014

reginaphilangee said:

I am so sorry for your loss and I really appreciate the care and effort you put into your post. You are absolutely correct when you say that all losses are equally devastating; you are also correct when you say that different stages of loss each have their own particular mindfuckery. Not more or less by any means, as you made perfectly clear, just different. With that being said, I don't think your post warrants a "side-eye" at all. @PinkCamino‌ I think I understand what you were saying, but I just disagree with the side-eye. I cannot understand the uniqueness of a second tri loss anymore than I can a third tri loss, but I think the OP made it very clear that she was not minimizing or disregarding anyone's pain. In fact, it seems as if you both have experienced loneliness in your pain and my heart aches for you. You have a unique experience with a second tri loss that others cannot understand unless they have been there themselves. OP simply experienced a third tri loss and wanted to connect with other ladies that had as well. Thats just my two cents and I don't mean to stir up anything. We are all grieving together and I hate it. But I am very thankful for this board and the freedom to grieve with other loss moms.

The fact that she assumed that phantom kicks and all the pain and suffering applied only to 3rd tri losses is what got a side eye from me. Her seeking to connect with later loss moms is fine but limiting it to the 3rd trimester only is hurtful to the ladies who experienced many of the same issues but never made it out of the second trimester.

reginaphilangee · December 2014

I don't want to hijack the thread I just think that this board is considered a safe place and I feel like she should be able to reach out to other 3rd tri loss moms. She did it in the most compassionate way a person could. I won't put words in OP's mouth but I feel pretty confident that she would be more than happy to discuss the similarities and differences of both of your experiences be it 2nd or 3rd tri.

PinkCamino · December 2014

reginaphilangee said:

I don't want to hijack the thread I just think that this board is considered a safe place and I feel like she should be able to reach out to other 3rd tri loss moms. She did it in the most compassionate way a person could. I won't put words in OP's mouth but I feel pretty confident that she would be more than happy to discuss the similarities and differences of both of your experiences be it 2nd or 3rd tri.

why would anyone want to even broach that subject?

reginaphilangee · December 2014

I really don't want to offend or hurt anyone with my comments. To clarify, I was referring to what we all do together on this board. Talk. Vent. Heal. That's all.

PinkCamino · December 2014

PetraStonegirl said:

buggirl72 said:
We also have both been told by a 3rd tri loss mom that we did not belong on the Loss board because our losses were too soon.

What the ever lovin fuck?!

Holy shit, @buggirl72 and @PinkCamino. That is spectacularly uncool, and the women who did that to you two should be strung up by their thumbs. That's just mean, and I am so very sorry you both had that experience.

I'm also pretty pissed that the mod for Loss (who was a TTCALer) didn't jump in and correct it immediately. Maybe she didn't see it, but it shouldnt have been left that way.

Those comments are what pushed me straight to TTCAL. I spent very little time on the loss board because I was made to feel like my loss wasn't late enough to qualify while for the miscarriage board my loss was too late.

TheAerialist · December 2014

reginaphilangee said:

I am so sorry for your loss and I really appreciate the care and effort you put into your post. You are absolutely correct when you say that all losses are equally devastating; you are also correct when you say that different stages of loss each have their own particular mindfuckery. Not more or less by any means, as you made perfectly clear, just different. With that being said, I don't think your post warrants a "side-eye" at all. @PinkCamino‌ I think I understand what you were saying, but I just disagree with the side-eye. I cannot understand the uniqueness of a second tri loss anymore than I can a third tri loss, but I think the OP made it very clear that she was not minimizing or disregarding anyone's pain. In fact, it seems as if you both have experienced loneliness in your pain and my heart aches for you. You have a unique experience with a second tri loss that others cannot understand unless they have been there themselves. OP simply experienced a third tri loss and wanted to connect with other ladies that had as well. Thats just my two cents and I don't mean to stir up anything. We are all grieving together and I hate it. But I am very thankful for this board and the freedom to grieve with other loss moms.

I am going to support @reginaphilangee on this one, @forevermyfenix makes it SO clear that she is looking for others who have been through something similar, who understand, if you do, then by all means, look past her shorthand title of '3rd tri losses' and be able to step in and share your experiences.

What happened to you, @pinkcamino on the loss board is absolute shit, and I can see why you might hold onto some feelings about that, but just because you weren't explicitly 'included' it doesn't mean that you were explicitly excluded either. She wanted to talk about her experience and you have something to offer. Why not offer that with sincerity instead of attached to a side eye?

Having to consider EVERY person's individual experience on this board every time we post and reframe every question in that light is what brings us to the point we appear to be at. It makes it very scary to post anything lest we be side eyed for not including someone in the way they expect to be included.

PinkCamino · December 2014

McSarah1104 said:

reginaphilangee said:

I am so sorry for your loss and I really appreciate the care and effort you put into your post. You are absolutely correct when you say that all losses are equally devastating; you are also correct when you say that different stages of loss each have their own particular mindfuckery. Not more or less by any means, as you made perfectly clear, just different. With that being said, I don't think your post warrants a "side-eye" at all. @PinkCamino‌ I think I understand what you were saying, but I just disagree with the side-eye. I cannot understand the uniqueness of a second tri loss anymore than I can a third tri loss, but I think the OP made it very clear that she was not minimizing or disregarding anyone's pain. In fact, it seems as if you both have experienced loneliness in your pain and my heart aches for you. You have a unique experience with a second tri loss that others cannot understand unless they have been there themselves. OP simply experienced a third tri loss and wanted to connect with other ladies that had as well. Thats just my two cents and I don't mean to stir up anything. We are all grieving together and I hate it. But I am very thankful for this board and the freedom to grieve with other loss moms.

I am going to support @reginaphilangee on this one, @forevermyfenix makes it SO clear that she is looking for others who have been through something similar, who understand, if you do, then by all means, look past her shorthand title of '3rd tri losses' and be able to step in and share your experiences.

What happened to you, @pinkcamino on the loss board is absolute shit, and I can see why you might hold onto some feelings about that, but just because you weren't explicitly 'included' it doesn't mean that you were explicitly excluded either. She wanted to talk about her experience and you have something to offer. Why not offer that with sincerity instead of attached to a side eye?

Having to consider EVERY person's individual experience on this board every time we post and reframe every question in that light is what brings us to the point we appear to be at. It makes it very scary to post anything lest we be side eyed for not including someone in the way they expect to be included.

Are you seriously trying to lay blame?

ETA: the more I think about this the more upset I'm getting. You essentially blamed me for the board tension.

=D>

forevermyfenix · December 2014

I don't think anyone is pointing fingers at any one person in particular. I think the point is trying to address there is an underlying fear of saying the wrong thing and hurting someone - this being an example of that.

PinkCamino · December 2014

forevermyfenix said:

I don't think anyone is pointing fingers at any one person in particular. I think the point is trying to address there is an underlying fear of saying the wrong thing and hurting someone - this being an example of that.

she pointed the finger directly at me @forevermyfenix.

forevermyfenix · December 2014

can I please point out that I did see how the wording could have been taken to be exclusionary and that I apologized?

Thank you ladies who support me, and see my intentions were not to be exclusionary.
@PinkCamino‌ ,that apology still stands and I'm not backing down from it. I don't want this to keep digging at your wound.

forevermyfenix · December 2014

ktlovess said:

forevermyfenix said:

I don't think anyone is pointing fingers at any one person in particular. I think the point is trying to address there is an underlying fear of saying the wrong thing and hurting someone - this being an example of that.

@forevermyfenix - If I lived in a world where I was afraid of saying the wrong thing, or hurting someone, I would seriously never say anything. I wouldn't be where I am, I wouldn't be who I am, and I wouldn't have ever finished my PhD. You don't know me - I am generally reserved. I spend a lot of time in my head. If TTCAL isn't a place where we can talk about things, difficult things, then I don't know where else to go.

@ktlovess‌ i wasn't trying to be malicious or act like I knew you. I'm sorry you seem to have taken it that way. I agree we can't walk on eggshells all the time for fear of hurting someone, but I think you may agree that some care needs to be taken on this board to avoid circumstances like this thread. I hurt @PinkCamino‌ in the wording of my thread despite my best intentions. And I was corrected for it. I'm glad we have this board where we can discuss difficult things and I wish more people felt comfortable doing so.

Obviously we have people of differing Opinions on whether a side eye was warranted. We have people who think the intention behind the thread was pure and therefore no side eye was needed, and we have people who think that one was because my wording came off as exclusionary. Either way, can we let this rest so we don't hurt pink any further by keeping this up?

Eta:stupid autocorrect

PinkCamino · December 2014

forevermyfenix said:

forevermyfenix said:

I don't think anyone is pointing fingers at any one person in particular. I think the point is trying to address there is an underlying fear of saying the wrong thing and hurting someone - this being an example of that.

@forevermyfenix - If I lived in a world where I was afraid of saying the wrong thing, or hurting someone, I would seriously never say anything. I wouldn't be where I am, I wouldn't be who I am, and I wouldn't have ever finished my PhD. You don't know me - I am generally reserved. I spend a lot of time in my head. If TTCAL isn't a place where we can talk about things, difficult things, then I don't know where else to go.

@ktlovess‌ i wasn't trying to be malicious or act like I knew you. I'm sorry you seem to have taken it that way. I agree we can't walk on eggshells all the time for fear of hurting someone, but I think you may agree that some care needs to be taken on this board to avoid circumstances like this thread. I hurt @PinkCamino‌ in the wording of my thread despite my best intentions. And I was corrected for it. I'm glad we have this board where we can discuss difficult things and I wish more people felt comfortable doing so. Obviously we have people of differing Ohio nion on whether a side eye was warranted. We have people who think the intention behind the thread was pure and therefore no side eye was needed, and we have people who think that one was because my wording came off as exclusionary. Either way, can we let this rest so we don't hurt pink any further by keeping this up?

A sideye has no bearing on whether your intentions were pure or not. I do not for one second think that you had any ill intention by posting this. I think you accidentally excluded ladies who know more about your situation than you thought.

I appreciate your apology and know that you did not mean to hurt me intentionally. But, i'm not okay with being told that my feelings of being excluded are invalid because the intention wasn't to exclude me in the first place.

lawlers22 · December 2014

Want a personalized experience?

3rd tri losses? (no pain olympics allowed!)

Re: 3rd tri losses? (no pain olympics allowed!)

Choose Another Board

Search Boards