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Feeling unfair about baby shower ettiquite.

wonderland449wonderland449 member
in Baby Showers

Hi ladies, I am a new users here. My husband and I have been together for 8 years and have no kids yet. We tried for about 6 months to concieve and finally found out a couple weeks ago that I am pregnant! I'm only about 6 weeks right now, but as many friends and coworkers knew we were trying we have let them in on the news already.

So here is my issue.... I am in the Army and have been for five years. My husband is a civ. I had a very tight knit close group of friends up until a few months ago when many of them moved to a new duty station, got out of the Army or one that got picked up for Drill Sgt School and leaves in a couple months.

I have a lot of female coworkers and casual friends that are very excited about me being pregnant and I know they would like to attend a baby shower if I had one- the problem is, literally all of my close friends that would normally take this role are either gone now or live back home where I am from. My mom is coming up for the birth but she doesn't live near us to attend or throw a shower. All of our family lives back home where we are from which is a 2 day drive away.

 

I have read a LOT of stuff that says its 100% never acceptable to throw your own baby shower and that its considered begging for gifts. But I think its really unfair that because I am in the military and constantly have to move away from my friends and family that I have to miss out on this (yet another life event). I know it doesn't seem like much but for someone who has missed being able to celebrate countless birthdays, holidays, anniversaries etc its just really frustrating to have to miss this too because of ettiquite. Everyone knows I have already bought the crib, changing table, activity station, bouncer and swinging chair thing. I have been buying toys and outfits. I'm not doing this just for the gifts. I'm not expecting anyone to bring anything expensive. I just want to be able to enjoy spending the day celebrating my first baby and I know that if I invited them my coworkers would love to go. But I can't get over the fact that its seen as socially unacceptable to throw your own shower. Yet like I said I feel its unfair that I have to sacrifice yet again being able to celebrate with friends and family because I am away from home.

I'm sorry this is so long but if I could please get some opinons I would appreciate it. Thank you!

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Re: Feeling unfair about baby shower ettiquite.

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  • wonderland449wonderland449 member
    I know none of you meant to be rude but I'm a bit taken aback by the "you chose this life" comments.... yes, I did, and I have deployed twice, missed nearly EVERY single birthday, anniversary, christmas, thanksgiving etc with my family for FIVE YEARS. So please do not act like I am just "gift grabby". I feel like I am denied almost everything else, I feel alone right now because I am away from ALL of my family and 99.9% of my friends (as I said most of them only recently moved away). So thanks, thanks for making me feel selfish and low class for asking your opinon about hosting my own shower. I know I may sound like I'm over reacting but I don't think you guys realize how snobby some of the responses sounded. Like Oh I should know better than to even ask. I just wanted to have one day to celebrate a child I have been waiting 8 years to have. I didn't want to do it for gifts I just wanted a day to have fun and have a little party to celebrate the fact that I am finally able to start my family. No, I DONT have any close friends here becuase they are all gone. I dont feel close enough to anyone here to even want them to host a shower for me. But there are about a dozen women that I work with that I am on friendly terms with, work with daily or are coworkers wives that we get together with some times, many of whom have their own children and have been very happy for me and offering me support and advice every day. Thats why I know they would like to go to a shower to celebrate but not feel close enough to offer to host one. I know a baby shower isn't an entitlement, but it is kind of a life event- this is probably the only child I am ever going to have. I have been to showers for friends and its a sweet, fun, relaxing bonding experience. It isn't "GIMMIE GIMME GIMMIE I WANT GIFTS". Its a day to hang out, play games, eat cake, gossip, and yes treat her special for the day to celebrate her upcoming baby. But aparantly socially its only seen as "GIVE ME STUFF!". I can't really say "Hey come to my house this weekend for a I'm knocked up celebration but dont bring any gifts and also its not called a baby shower!" So I guess I'll just do what I've been doing which is continue to sit alone just me, my husband and our pets at home quietly until the baby is born. Then maybe 9 months from now I can celebrate "appropriately".
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  • wonderland449wonderland449 member
    edited December 2014

    Again I know that probably sounded like I am being really sensitive I just hate being made to feel like I am just trying to use people to get gifts or that I'm being crass for wantining to celebrate something I've been waiting to do for years.

     

    I mean, do you guys know how lonely and sad and loser-ish it feels to know that you don't have one close friend in the area that would want to do this for you? Then to get talked down to on here basically just made me feel really emotional.

     

    Lastly I'm just curious why throwing your own shower is so socially unnacceptable but throwing your own engagement party or birthday party is OK? Isn't that just you asking for gifts?

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  • wonderland449wonderland449 member
    edited December 2014

    Wow yes someone being (what I view as stuck up) to me while I'm already feeling down about realizing that I have no one here that would want to throw a shower for me....Yep I better go see a counselor! I guess pregnant women don't go through mood swings or get hormonal or anything like that....

     

    Its not that I'm placing so much importance on the party, its that its something I view as a special day to celebrate the baby and it was something I WANTED to do. And I feel like most of my friends have recently been ripped away from me (one was supposed to move back but got a great job offer, the other just found out a few days ago that she will be leaving soon) that it felt like....oh great yet another thing I don't get to do. A birthday party isn't an entitlement....going to dinner with your spouse on your anniversary isn't an entitlement..... exchanging presents on christmas morning with your family isn't an entitlement.... and having a baby shower isn't an entitlement either. I understand that. But it doesn't mean that its not something you wanted to do or something that you are sad that you don't get to do. If my friends were still here or if I were back home right now I know I would have people that wanted to do it. But I'm not, I'm stuck here right now and I think that people being snobby to me just because I considered hosting my own shower was upsetting.

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  • sschwegesschwege member
    I guess I'm a little confused as to why you posted here, were you genuinely curious or confused as to whether it is appropriate to throw your own baby shower?  Or were you hoping for different answers than you received?  Because if it was the former then you got detailed responses as to why throwing your own shower is never a good idea.  If it was the latter, then the only thing I can say is don't ask for opinions on a public forum and expect anything less than the truth.  Do what you want to do, but don't ask for opinions and then get upset when it's not what you wanted to hear!
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  • wonderland449wonderland449 member
    Wow yes I am done here. If you think hosting your own shower is wrong thats fine, and its fine to say that. But telling me that I'm gift grabby, just doing it for attention, that its my own fault that I don't get to have one, and how "thats life" was just people being snobby and a bit rude. I'm sorry I chose to serve our country I guess that means I don't deserve to have a shower. Its the WAY people responded, not the fact that I didn't "hear what I wanetd to hear". Even saying "I wouldn't because personally I view that as tacky" is much nicer than listing how its just attention seeking and gift grabby.
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  • wonderland449wonderland449 member

    And again how is it socially acceptable to throw your own engagement party (Give us gifts to start our lives together and celebrate) Your own birthday party (Give me gifts for being alive another year), or a Christmas party (Bring gifts to exchange with other guests because thats how this works!) is acceptable but asking people to celebrate your baby (even if you specifically say no gifts required its aparantly still tacky) I just don't get the difference in the way its viewed.

     

    I mean if I asked "I want to throw my own birthday party" people wouldn't respond "Thats gift grabby, attention seeking, you just want people to give you stuff, thats life not everyone gets one, its your own fault for not having any close friends to do that for you, too bad, suck it up". Yet thats how people reacted when I asked.

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  • wonderland449wonderland449 member
    edited December 2014

    Thank you, thats what I mean. Its fine to say you don't agree but I just felt like it made me sound like I was wrong for even wanting one. And like I said, yes its not something you have to do but its socially acceptable that if you are pregnant and have friends someone will throw you a shower! And if no one is there to throw you a shower it basically means no one cares about you enough to do it. Thats a really lonely and depressing thought and I don't think any of the people who called me "gift grabby" or think of it as being tacky don't realize the fact that it makes you feel like a loser if you don't have someone to throw one for you.

     

    I get the idea of having a meet the baby party but I think its sad that I have to wait 9 months to celebrate when I'm so happy and excited right NOW. :P

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  • wonderland449wonderland449 member
    I think its about celebrating the fact that there is finally a baby- especially if you are like me and have been in a relationship for 8 years but have been waiting for the right time to finally start your family. I want to celebrate and be like YAY I am finally having a family, finally going to be a mommy. Its not just about the baby but also about the joy and excitment of planning for the baby and sharing advice etc. Talking about what each person went through with pregnancy, labor, what to expect the first few months etc. If I wait until the baby is born then I have already gone through most of that. I'm not saying a meet-the-baby shower isnt a good idea just saying why I particularly wanted a baby shower and not just one after the baby is born. Plus I will be moving shortly after the baby is born so there wont be much time to celebrate after- I basically give birth then clear the Army, pack up my house, all my pets and move cross country. Thats why it seemed like it made more sense to have a party leading up to the birth than trying to fit it in to the hecticness of moving after the birth. I will bring my baby around to meet everyone but I think the way I explained it made sense, and like I said I'm not against that idea. I just got upset because I felt like I was made to feel low class just for wanting to have a shower, which while yes is not required, is something that generally the average pregnant women gets from friends or loved ones on her first child and I feel like I am missing out on it. Like I said I feel very much like a loser with no friends, even though I have them they just aren't here, and people being rude to me about wanting to say screw it I'll throw my own shower made me upset.
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  • wonderland449wonderland449 member

    Because having a shower thrown for you is like having a maid of honor in your wedding throw your bachelorette party for you....its a role that a close friend or loved one steps into, because they care about you and want to do something nice for you. Not having anyone that wants to do that for you, especially when its something like a pregnancy and everyone knows you are pregnant but no one is throwing a shower for you, feels like a decleration that you have no one close to you there to do that for you.

    I feel like its different if I throw my own shower because there ARE women here that I work with or that I hang out with casually that would want to go and enjoy spending the day hanging out and celebrating but who don't necissarily feel close enough to want to host the party itself. Does that make sense?

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  • wonderland449wonderland449 member
    edited December 2014
    I have to wonder if it has anything to do with being raised in the south and stuff like this being considered expected from people- its expected that you will have a bridal party, a tea with the females before your wedding, a baby shower, etc. Its just what you do. Not having one is considered weird. Not to mention like I said it was just something that I was looking forward to and wanted a day to enjoy with the girls celebrating and I sort of just realized today that Oh. Oh I have no one that would host that for me. I guess maybe I could do it myself? OH no. Aparantly absolutely not. I guess I just wont have one then at all just because my best friends and family don't live here. Oh well. I mean its not the end of the world I'm just surprised at peoples reactions and how I'm supposed to not mind the fact that I don't have anyone to throw one, or that I don't get to have something most mothers have because of being in the military.
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  • QualeraQualera member
    edited December 2014
    I understand wanting to do all the "baby" things for a long-awaited baby. But six weeks is way too early to be worrying about it. Showers are like a 7-9 month thing. And even if your closest friends are gone, in 6 months you can probably make some friends who will be able to share your excitement.

    It's not wrong to be thrilled about your baby and want to share that happiness with the world. But etiquette dictates that you can't share that happiness by throwing a shower for yourself. Maybe you could plan a trip back to visit your friends in a few months and make some plans with them?

    Edit: grammar and situation correction
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  • wonderland449wonderland449 member


    "2. Showers are unlike other parties because the only reason they exist is to give gifts. You really can't compare them to birthday parties (which celebrate a birthday) or an engagement party (which celebrate an engagement). Gifts are sometimes given, but not always. For what it's worth, I don't know any adults who have thrown themselves a birthday party. "


    Wait wait wait, so birthday parties AREN'T for getting gifts? When its your birthday if your spouse doesn't get you anything thats OK because thats not what the day is about right? Or if you go to the bar with friends there isn't generally "birthday shots" bought by friends? I dont understand how you think birthday parties are to celebrate a birthday, engagement parties are to celebrate engagement but showers are JUST for gifts. So in your mind they are NOT to celebrate the fact that you are having a baby, to treat the mother or to celebrate the family? They only exist soley for the purpose of gifts? Then how is it any tackier to throw a party yourself than to allow someone to throw one for you if all it is saying either way is give me gifts thats all this party is for! Maybe we have different views on the purpose of a baby shower but I thought it was a celebration not just asking for donations.

     

    3. Yes. Yes there are much worse things. I'm sorry that I literally realized about an hour ago that I don't get to do something I was looking forward to and didn't immediatly shrug it off and smile. I'll work on being more of a robot in the future.

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  • wonderland449wonderland449 member
    That is a good idea- but just curious, is it safe to get mani/pedis while pregnant? I've heard conflicting things about that. Some people say its super dangerous because of chemicals but others say its fine. I guess I feel really lonely since all of my good friends moved away recently and I just wanted to have a fun little get together even though its mostly people I'm not super close to overall I think it would make me feel less alone and that it would be fun to do. I think you have good ideas about alternatives.
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  • wonderland449wonderland449 member

    I'm not being delebratly obtuse, I'm trying to make a point......on your birthday you expect gifts. At weddings and engagement parties you expect people to bring gifts. But thats not ALL it is about. Yet for some reason you seem to think that the ONLY reason a baby shower exists is for the sole purpose of gifts. I think thats sad and I dont understand how a birthday is a celebration AND gift giving experience, an engagement is a celebration AND gift giving experience but a celebration for pregnancy is ONLY about getting gifts. Not about celebrating, being joyful about the baby, having fun with friends etc no its all about the gifts according to you.

    Honestly I'm more upset by peoples reactions than about the shower itself. Its like you guys dont understand that people can feel lonely and that things you think are "blunt" or "just being honest" can be taken as rude. I mean, walking up to a 400lbs woman and saying "you are fat" is 100% honest but that doesn't mean it isn't rude to say. Saying you dont agree with hosting your own shower is fine- listing all the ways that its gift grabby, attention seekings and how its my "own fault for choosing the life I did" can be seen as more than just "being honest".

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  • wonderland449wonderland449 member

    I was looking for people's opinons but I wasn't looking to get talked down to and made to feel low class just for asking. As I said its not the fact that people didn't agree with hosting a shower- Its the WAY they responded. Like I was so low class to even consider it. Some people have been nice since then but no many of the responders seem to totally lack any empathy as to why I would even be sad about not getting to have one.

    It isn't just about the party and I know the party isn't a "life event" but the point Ive already tried to make is that a birthday isnt a life event, christmas and anniversaries aren't life events yet its natural and acceptable to feel sad if you don't get to celebrate them. I've been deployed for two christmas- I was sad that I didnt get to spend the h0olidays with my family. Was I just sad that I missed out on gifts? Should I not have been sad at all because its not a life event? Should I have been sad to miss my birthday on deployment because its just a party? But you still are. And I feel like a lot of people here showed no empathy at all about WHY I might be sad or upset for not getting to have something that the average pregnant woman gets to have.

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  • wonderland449wonderland449 member
    Holy shit lady. Did you even read what I had to say? I already own 75% of stuff that my baby will need, bought and paid for BY MYSELF. I DO NOT WANT GIFTS. I have said a dozen times that its not about the gifts. If people showed up, we ate cake, hung out, gossiped, talked about what to expect from mother hood, painted our nails etc and not one gift was given I would be happy when it was over. So before you presume on the way I was raised maybe you should step the fuck off because I was never asking for gifts.
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  • wonderland449wonderland449 member

    Ughhhhhh I'm done explaining to everyone that I dont want gifts.

     

    I just wanted a day to celebrate the fact that I am finally pregnant and to have fun. How wrong, tacky, low class, gift grabby, attention needy, entitled and wrong of me.

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  • wonderland449wonderland449 member
    It wasn't that I was "expecting" to have one per say. Its that it just hit me today that I literally dont have anyone that would do that for me. I dont have any close friends. I have no one here. Except for my husband and casual friends (as I said who would happily attend and would be fun to hang out with but who dont fill that best friend hostess role). So yes I am emotional and upset and lonely right now because I JUST realized this. As I said before my next thought was OK no problem I'll just throw one myself and it will still be fun. Then I was immediatly jumped on and told just how unacceptable it was and made to feel bad for even asking. People have over and over and over again made me feel like all I wanted was gifts when really I just wanted the fun and companionship of a nice party.
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  • wonderland449wonderland449 member
    Did you really just say that wanting to have a fun day and companionship of other women "how does that not sound selfish"? Seriously thats selfish to you? Wanting to not feel alone, wanting to feel like I have friends and people that care about me, wanting to have a party to celebrate starting my family, wanting to get advice from other mothers and have a relaxing day is selfish in your eyes?
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  • wonderland449wonderland449 member
    Bliss+Berry said:
    Calm your tits. Nobody here called you low class. We just explained why you should not throw your own shower. You, in turn, have thrown a fit, stomped your feet and kept whining about what a speshul snowflake you are.
    You really don't hear your own bitchiness do you?
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  • Disneygeek77Disneygeek77 member
    Couldn't you have a BBQ or a Sip n See ?
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  • wonderland449wonderland449 member
    Disneygeek77 said:
    I mean I understand it is sad, but that is life sometimes.  Some people don't have bar mitzvas, some don't get a quincinera, some don't get a sweet 16 party and yes some people don't get showers.  It is disappointing, but it happens.  It happens a lot.

    I understand that. And I will get over it. But everyone here acts like it ISN'T disapointing and that I should have instantly gotten over it and tralalalala along. You say yourself its disapointing then why am I not allowed to be disapointed over it? Why am I being treated like the bad guy for being sad about missing something that is admittedly something most women get to have? Is it the end of the world? For the hundredth time, no. But I wish people would see that it can make a woman feel like she is missing out on something or make her feel lonely to realize she doesn't have those people in her life right now. A lot of the responses on here are like "awww da whiddle snow flake doesnt get her party waaaaaaa" instead of showing empathy for why I might feel sad and lonely about the situation. Its not even about if throwing your own shower is appropriate or not any more its about peoples reactions about how I'm spoiled and entitled and just want gifts for *daring* to want a slice of what the average woman gets to have.
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