Tell me your story. TTCAL Related.

BookishMomma · December 2014

*LC referred to in context*

I'm a novelist, so you'll have to forgive my novel.

I've had 5 pregnancies and 4 losses.

November 2013- My AL story begins when I started spotting at 5w3d on the night of Thanksgiving last year. I went to bed nervous, then woke up the next morning with blood all over my underwear. A beta draw on Black Friday confirmed I had miscarried, which I sort of already knew based on the amount of blood and clots.

December 2013- My doctor said it was fine to TTC again without waiting, so I temped and used OPKs and we tried right away. I got pregnant again without a period in between. I lost that one, too, right around New Year's, at 4w6d. My doctor ordered RPL testing, which all came back normal.

January & February 2014- We TTA for a couple of months for mental health reasons (I suffer from depression and anxiety and the losses had taken a big toll).

March 2014 - We started trying again and I got a BFP. This time I was on progesterone supplements from 3dpo. My betas were high and doubling, and we saw a heartbeat on U/S at 6 weeks. DH and I were optimistic and so was my doctor. Then around 8 weeks I stopped feeling the nausea I'd been having. I went in for a routine appointment with a nurse practitioner at 8w5d. I went alone because it was just sort of a pregnancy "intake" type of appointment where they order all your blood work, etc. I mentioned my loss of symptoms to the NP and, given my 2 prior losses, she said, "Well, let's just do a quick ultrasound to ease your mind." HA. She couldn't find a heartbeat and, after a few minutes of looking, she sent me to radiology, where they couldn't find a heartbeat, either. I just remember sitting there, crying on the table, trying to get a hold of my DH, who was in a meeting. I had a D&C the next day. Testing on the fetal tissue showed the baby had been a girl with Turner's Syndrome (45X), a chromosomal abnormality that the genetic counselor told us was random chance.

May 2014- After the D&C, my OB referred me to an RE, who did more testing. All normal results. He advised us to TTA until I'd had 2 normal AFs, then to keep trying on our own for another couple of cycles. If we didn't get pregnant again, he said we'd talk about doing Femara with trigger and IUI.

Summer 2014- I turned 35. Recovering from the D&C, I felt like shit, both physically and mentally. My betas dropped super slowly & AF took 70 days to come back. I started temping again, even though we were still TTA. Temps confirmed that I ovulated that month. I had another AF after that, but then some weird mid-cycle spotting. I went to see my RE, who did a hysteroscopy and saw that I had retained tissue from my D&C-- even though my betas were below 5! He said I'd have to have another surgery to remove the tissue.

August 2014- I had an operative hysteroscopy to remove the retained tissue, followed by a week of wearing a balloon catheter in my uterus to prevent scarring, then a month of hormone therapy to help rebuild my lining. We had to TTA again for a couple of months, not that I had much sex drive after all that anyway.

October 2014- my RE did another hysteroscopy to make sure everything healed OK inside my uterus. He said it looked great and we got the green light to burn the bench. I got pregnant again that cycle. My betas were not great. They were on the low end of normal and doubled slower than I would have liked. But my RE's office kept saying they were fine and scheduled me for an U/S at 7 weeks.

November 2014- We saw a nice strong HB at our 7w U/S. The baby was measuring a few days behind, which seemed OK because I had not been temping that cycle, just using OPKs and my fertility monitor. So I knew that my suspected O date could be a day or two off. When we left the appointment, my RE was optimistic. The nurse gave me a onesie with the name of the fertility clinic on it and my RE said he put our chances of loss at 20%.

Two days later I started bleeding and a trip to the ER confirmed that I was having miscarriage #4 within a year's time. My only solace is that this one happened naturally and my betas have gone back down rather quickly.

December 2014- I got my hands on the report from the ultrasound that was done in the ER. It said my uterus had a "septate morphology." I know a little about septums from other ladies' experiences here on TB. No one--not any of my OBs or my RE--had ever mentioned the possibility of a uterine septum to me. I called my RE, who started off by saying that he doesn't think I have a septum, seeing as that he's been in my ute 3 times in the last few months with the hysteroscopy camera. Then he said, "If you do have a septum, it's slight." Um... OK. Even if it is slight, I have to know, seeing as that there's a link between septate uteri and RPL! Finally, the RE said that the only definitive way to know whether I have a septum is to get an MRI.

So that's where I'm at. Next week I go in for a pelvic MRI on Dec. 9 to see if I have a septum or if there's anything else structurally abnormal about my uterus. Depending on what the MRI shows, we'll go from there.

It's been a helluva year, and I can't say I'm sad to see 2014 go.

edit- to be more concise!

mrsj0504 · December 2014

purplehaze11 · December 2014

Thanks for the post PC. My heart goes out to all the ladies who have posted, but it gives some enlightenment to me to better understand where people are coming from. DH and I started TFAS one year ago. I got my first BFP in January, and we were very excited. Everything was progressing normally (with an u/s and heartbeat at 6 weeks). When I went to my 10 week appt my doctor couldn't find a heartbeat on the Doppler, but said it was still early so I didn't think much of it. I went away on vacation with DH, and returned to the doctor at 16 weeks (I had told my manager that morning). No heartbeat. An emergency ultrasound showed an empty sac. D&c the next day. We waited for 3 months, then got a BFP in July. Form the onset it just didn't feel right, I had some spotting, and at 5w6d at work felt a huge gush. I miscarried on that first gush, but had retained tissue and after 8 weeks of bloodwork and u/s finally passed everything. RPL testing found a submucousal fibroid that they is believed to have caused both losses. I am going for surgery on December 16 for its removal.

TowerClimbersWife · December 2014

My heart aches for all of you ladies. We have all gone through so much. What I have found through reading all of your stories is that this board is full of the most strong women I've ever had the privilege to be in contact with.

Here is my story...

I met my husband in 2008 and we were married in 2009. He comes from a big family, I'm an only child. Never felt a deep urge to be a mother, and we were focused on school, grad school and careers so we decided to wait a while. MH left me in CO for 6 months because of being needed back home, so when he left I quit taking BCP. Learned some about timing and NFP and decided to go that route. Moved back home after getting my Master's. Decided we would TTA until we were 30, then start trying. That felt safe for both of us.

In early 2013 I interviewed for a new job and the stress of interviewing while I was working for someone else triggered a severe case of stress induced hives. At the time I didn't know that it was stress so I very quickly cleaned up my diet, changed any remaining cleaning products ect. to all natural. Had allergy testing. Nothing came back. Was prescribed a daily allergy med that took care of the itching. I hate taking meds so I approached a local natural practitioner and she did some testing. My diet changes were on track with what she requests. She also requested a hormone saliva test for progesterone because of some of the symptoms I was having. Had heavy periods with clotting, low sex drive, headaches, lower back pain, severe changes in mood, low motivation. Test came back with very low progesterone levels. Was prescribed a bio identical progesterone cream which helped symptoms A LOT!

Went to see an MD who is known in our community for helping balance hormones. He agreed with the diagnosis of Estrogen Dominance. He was great... said "women do not have to resign to the fact that they are supposed to feel crummy for a large part of their cycle. There are things we can do to balance things out and help you feel better." I could have kissed him. He is cute too

.

Went to my OB in December 2013. Everything is normal. She looked at progesterone levels and said she wasn't worried about them and said she didn't agree with the suggestion to supplement. I kind of rolled my eyes and figured two against one...

January 2014 rolled around and I started feeling nervous about my Low P diagnosis. Complications in early pregnancy and conception are noted with low P so I talked to MH. We decided to NTNP just in case we did end up having trouble. Temped for a few cycles and found that made me NUTTY so we just took a very casual approach. Fast forward to October 2014. I still tracked my cycles and know I'm always between 27 and 29 days. I started feeling flushed around day 20. As I approached the end of my cycle I started peeing on all the things. Day 30 I got my BFP. I was shocked. We only had sex one time that month due to various things. Holy Shit!

I called my OB and told them the news. Asked them to review my chart and double check my progesterone test in case they wanted to supplement. They said everything was fine, no need for supplements. Made an appointment for 10 week u/s and was dismissed. 4 days later I started spotting. Called in... nurse said it was normal. Started bleeding red blood two days later. Called, they still said it was normal, but I could go in for hCG draw if I wanted. I asked about progesterone testing. She said she would look into it. Went for my blood draw Monday and Wednesday. Levels doubled. I asked if they testing Progesterone. She said no, they don't do that without specific reasoning. I was LIVID. Thursday I started bleeding heavily and passing clots. Went in for blood draw Friday and of course the levels were low. I had a MC. OB nurse basically said it was common and not to worry. They would follow my hCG to 0 and go from there. Nurse offered an u/s a few times. I was angry because when I called in because of bleeding she kept telling me that there was nothing they could do and it was too early to see anything and that an u/s would be useless. Now that I knew I wasn't pregnant she kept pushing me for an u/s. I asked if it was medically necessary and she said no, so I declined.

So here I am. The said the won't do any in depth testing until I've had multiple losses. Luckily the MD I went to see before has started his own practice. I called them and they said the would be happy to do some preliminary blood work, discuss some nutritional changes and over all assess what is going on. Their take is that any woman has the right to know what is going on before bad things happen. I am so thankful for this. I understand it may not make sense for every woman to get a full battery of tests before TTGP, but I KNEW there was something wrong with my hormones and my OB office wouldn't acknowledge it and wouldn't help me. That just kills me. I'm fine to accept that a MC can happen for many reasons, and if it was because of an issue with fetal development I know there is nothing that can be done about that. But what if that wasn't the case? I feel much less anxious now knowing that I will be able to see a Dr. that is willing to listen to my concerns and help me figure out if there is indeed an issue that can be treated.

Kind of long, but I feel it is important to discuss because I felt betrayed by my doctor. I understand that I had no proof that I would have an issue carrying a pregnancy to term, but I did have proof that my hormones were wacky so I just can't understand why they wouldn't have added a progesterone test to my already ordered hCG. I can't help but think that it might have helped. I urge all of you ladies to advocate for yourselves and if something doesn't feel right with the care you are getting, quickly find someone else.

(((Hugs))) to everyone!

rslh10 · December 2014

I'm finally finished reading through all of these stories. I am blown away at the things I didn't know about some of you. So many hugs to you all.

**lc mentioned for backstory**

I met my H online in 2004 while we were both seniors in high school. We moved in together that September and have been together ever since. In 2009 we got engaged, and in May of 2010 were married. We started trying immediately and I got my first bfp July 3, 2010. DS was born 6 weeks early due to Severe Preeclampsia. I had ParaGard IUD inserted in April of 2011.

FF to 2013. I had my IUD removed in February, and we decided to just NTNP until August when we were going to give it 100%. We never had any luck during that time, but I was so naive about TTC then that I just expected it to happen. August rolls around and we got busy with OPKS and CM checks etc. Nothing happened and in January I went to my annual exam. I spoke with my OB about how long we had been trying. She refused to do any testing on me (obviously) but I just felt in my soul that something was wrong. I know a lot of people feel that way, but seeing as I had zero issue the first time, I wanted tested. I met with a new OB who tested my CD3 BW and also my AMH, along with a few other random labs.

When she called and said she needed to talk to me in the office, I knew something was up. She told me that my AMH was low. It was a comparable number to a 40+ year old healthy woman, I was 28 at the time. I didn't know ANYTHING about the number except for what she told me, and I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me.

After that, we tried my first cycle of Clomid/Trigger/TI in April. I had a great response to the medicine, and ended up getting a BFP. This resulted in me having an ectopic at 5w6d and being given Methotrexate. My OB cleared me to TTC immediately after my loss. I later found out from the wonderful women here that I shouldn't have been cleared because the shot depletes your folic acid stores and they require time to build back up. I listened to my OB, when really I should have listened to these ladies, and done my own research.

From there I did 3 more Clomid/trigger/TI rounds, and one Femara/trigger/TI cycle. The Femara gave me throat ulcers. I was so angry, so fed up at everything TTC related. We took a break from TTC for me to see an RE, and get some testing done.

I saw an RE in October. We had a SA, CD3 BW, a few more random labs, and then I had a 3D SIS done. Everything was great. All my numbers were the same as they had been earlier in the year and my tubes and ute were clear and shaped well. So here we are. I was given the option of 3 IUI's with Clomid (or another medicine like it which I cannot remember the name of right now), and if we have no luck with those, I have no choice but IVF.

I'm riding the fence about what to do from here, and I appreciate all the advice and input from all of you. ((hugs))

Smootiepie · December 2014

Hope no one minds if I share since I usually only stick to 6+. It's been so long since I've written everything out, and I think it might do me some good.

I met DH when we were both 16, starting dating at 17, and got married in 2009. It took a while for both of us to feel comfortable with the idea of TTC - I was ready in Dec 2010, but we waited until he was ready in Apr 2011. I researched the shit out of getting pg and found TB in early 2011. I lurked for a while, and learned so much about my body, including finding FF. All my friends thought I was crazy for being so "on top" of my body and kept telling me to "just let it happen."

We felt so fortunate because it only took 3 months to get our BFP. I was OOT on a business trip, so I had the pleasure of telling DH over the phone. The morning I was coming home, I started spotting brown. By the time I got off my flight, it had turned to red. We decided to go to the ER because I was having some pain, but at that point there was absolutely nothing they could do. I started passing clots in the ER and decided I would rather be at home. DH never wanted to talk about it, my friends dismissed the grief, so I was so relieved when I found TTCAL to talk about it all.

Fast forward to summer of 2012 and no luck. We started IF testing, and found out DH had low everything and a varicocele. DH opted to have the surgery to repair the varicocele in Sept 2012, and we were told to wait 3 months to do another SA to check for improvement, but that it could take up to 2 years for full results.

The 3 month post-op SA came back the same, and DH was inconsolable. He shut me out, wouldn't talk to me about anything TTC/IF related, and eventually cheated on me. We separated at the beginning of 2013 for 4 months, then spent the next year successfully rebuilding our marriage. We were NTNP the entire time because it seemed silly for me to go back on BCP if our chances of getting pg on our own were around 1%.

Around Aug of this year, we sat down and had the TTC talk because we were both ready to give it one more shot. DH had his 2 year post-op SA, and there was still no improvement. We went back and forth between adoption and IVF several times, but decided to go forward w/ IVF. I start BCP tomorrow as we plan for cycling in January. We've already decided we will only do one IVF and as many FETs as we have frosties, and then we are done. If it comes to that point, we will discuss adoption or CFNBC.

eliida · December 2014

@PinkCamino Thank you for starting this thread. Thank you all for sharing your stories.

For some of the details of my story to make sense, I need to back up a little bit. I have always had extremely painful periods. To illustrate, three months before my first period my appendix ruptured. I remember being so scared when AF came because the cramping was as bad as it was when I nearly died a few months earlier. As I got older it got worse and I was put on birth control years before I started having sex. Eventually, I was instructed to take my pill packs back to back and only allow myself one period a year--an early version of Seasonique. (My doctors always suspected endo, but because of insurance weirdness I was never formally diagnosed. Perhaps I should have pushed, I don’t know.)

In December 2004, I received my BCPs by mail. That month my package arrived too late to skip my period so I was instructed to wait until I see AF and start the new pack. AF did not arrive. At the time I was in long-term relationship with someone who wasn’t very nice to me. He wanted to terminate, I did not. When I went for my first appointment and learned that the pregnancy wasn’t viable, he was relieved. I was devastated. Over the next few months, through my grief, a light went off and I left him. I married my wonderful husband the following year.

MH and I started talking about growing our family in 2012. I went off the pill that fall and we started trying the following spring. At the time we were living in a rural area in South America. HPTs were not available in my town so when I suspected that I was pregnant in April, I headed to the capital for a blood test. I arrived midweek and couldn’t get in to the lab until the following Monday night. Friday morning I started to bleed. The weekend was excruciating. On Monday my doctor still wanted me to keep the lab appointment. When the results returned (which I did not physically see) she told me that I was never pregnant and it was just a wonky cycle. Recently I finally saw these records and they indicated that I was actually pregnant. (My RE has reviewed them as well and he confirms an early loss.)

We continued to try until we got our BFP--complete with great looking numbers--in Jan 2014. In late February I went in for my first US. The tech told us that he was having trouble seeing and thought we might have our dates wrong. The following week we took another look and a MMC was confirmed. I had my D&C a few days later. Genetic testing revealed a little girl with Trisomy 18.

In September 2014 we returned to the States and my new OB immediately sent me to an RE. In November I learned via an HSG that I have an arcuate uterus, mild scarring, and a thin lining. Based on the location of the scarring, the RE is not concerned about it impacting fertility. For now I am taking baby aspirin and will have further testing done sometime this month.

Thank you, ladies, for all of your support. I don’t know where I’d be without all of you.

buggirl72 · December 2014

Thank you to all of the ladies who shared their stories, thank your for PInkCamino for giving us this opportunity, and thank you to everyone who has and will take the time to read what all of us have wrote. So many ((((hugs)))) to all of you.

I've gone back and forth on posting this. Wanting to share but also almost dreading writing this again. It has been awhile since I last shared my story on the board (March 2014 to be exact - I searched and used some of the text from that post). Forgive me for coping from an earlier post of mine - today was a tough Zachary day.

My TTC journey began at the age of 28, with my first H. At 32, after failed clomid cycles, failed IUIs, a few lap surgeries to remove cysts, endo, and one ovary, we decided to try IVF. My ex-H only agreed to it for one time. It did not work. The RE at the time told me 1) get a dog, and 2) I would never have children unless it was through IVF and only if another cycle was done before I was 34. The year I turned 34 was hard. I was forced to come to terms with the fact that I would never have children. TTC is hard, IF is harder, facing CFNBC in your early thirties (or at any time), even harder. By the end of that year, my marriage completely crumbled (which turned out to be a good thing).

I began dating my now-H when I was 36, engaged when I was 38, and married when I was 39. Because my IF diagnosis was pretty firmly established, we never worried about BC. I still had days that I mourned the fact that I would never have children, but, I had a husband who loved me unconditionally, knew I had IF when we started dating, and was happy with our life and the future we had to look forward to. I truly did not come to peace with my IF diagnosis until just after my 40th birthday. It started with a great birthday weekend in San Diego and a conversation Mr. Bug and I had about our "ten-year" plan. I cannot describe to you how good being at peace felt. (If you do not get your rainbow I truly hope you find peace with the life you do have)

After 8 years, I was finally, truly at peace with what I could not, would not have. This was my life, I loved my H, I loved what we had together, and it felt perfect and complete. A month after feeling blissfully at peace, I got my first ever BFP. I cannot even begin to describe the panic I felt when I saw that positive, the absolute belief that it would end in a loss - because I was told I could not have children and I believed that dx. When I got past my first trimester, my doctor breathed easier. The odds were in our favor. Even though I was 40, she did not send me to an MFM. I was healthy and had a perfect pregnancy - until it quit being perfect. I went into preterm labor at 19 weeks. Because I had a good a/s the week before, the fact I was in labor was missed.By the time I was told to go to L&D, it was too late. After two more days of back labor, Zachary was born. He was perfect in every way. He was 10 ounces and 10 inches. He was a live birth and lived for much longer than anyone expected. My boy was a fighter and I hate that he did not have anyone fight for him. He deserved so much more.

I had two more early losses within 6 months of Zachary's loss. Enough to make me question if the doctor who told me never was wrong. Enough to give me hope that I met get my rainbow.

It has now been over two years since Zachary's loss and almost two years since my last official loss. I have not had another confirmed pregnancy. I have been told that I am not a candidate for IVF because of my poor egg quality. I have been told that I am post-menopausal based on my hormone levels (but I still have monthly "cycles" so my doctor is concerned about what is really going on with me). I have also been told to pray because Sarah got pregnant at 80. The odds are not in my favor.

I am again coming to terms with not having a child but this time it is with not having a living child. Time is running out for me and may already have. I don't know.

I had one miracle. Is it wrong to hope for two?

yellowcat10 · December 2014

Thank you everyone for sharing. I have been away from the board for a few days because of work and travel and am now just reading through everything that has happened the last couple of days. I have never posted my full story in a single space and would like to now.

Like @Nikolie93 we did not initially want kids and because of this I have not told many IRL that we are trying to protect myself later if it does not work. We meet in grad school and are both professors early in our careers. The job takes a lot and is your 'kid' in many ways. We decided when we were in the "real world" for a few years that we did actually want children, many of our friends were having them and and it just sort of hit us.

We started trying in December 2012. At the time we were living in two different countries and much of our first two years trying we were not together, I think only 5 cycles counted during that period. MH quit his job overseas and started working part-time at my college so we could really try. A few months after he was home we had a cp. Four months later we had an early MC. Ironically I found out I was pg the day after I started seeing an RE. I had a full on period and only found out I was pg after going to the ER for unrelated reasons. It was after this that I came here.

Since then we found out MH has some issues (motility and morphology), tried 3 IUIs and I am actually triggering tonight for my first IVF cycle. It is hard for me to deal with how hard I am trying for a child when four years ago I could not even fathom the idea of being pregnant. I have no illusions that I am guaranteed a baby, but know that if I did not try everything within my means I would regret it.

Thanks for reading, going to literally get a shot in my ass now!

LittleMrsW · December 2014

Your stories have brought tears to my eyes. You are so brave. ((Hugs)) Thank you ladies for sharing your journeys, mine is as follows.

DH and I got married in 2011 and shortly after we decided to NTNP just to see what would come of it. At that time I had been off bc for 5 years. About a year and a half went by without getting KU, so in January 2013 I started doing OPK's and we really started actively trying.

By January of 2014 I still wasn't pregnant and so I made an appointment with my OB to talk about IF testing (this was before I met you wonderful ladies and learned I should be seeing an RE not an OB for IF) My doctor wanted to do the usual HSG, CD3 bloodwork and SA for DH.

I was waiting for my period to come so I schedule my HSG and I ended up getting pregnant (EDD November) before we actually got any testing done.

I went in for betas and did a repeat draw later that week and was told everything was fine. When we went in for our first ultrasound we could not see a heartbeat and my doctor told me it was probably just too early and to come in in another week and half but continue to monitor my betas. I went in the following week and there were only 2 days worth of growth and no heartbeat. Doc said the same thing as the last time, suggesting dates might be off. I went another week and came in for my ultrasound and there was no growth since the last scan.

I remember DH had just started a new job and couldn't take time off work to come with me to that last appointment and it was the hardest thing to be there sobbing by myself waiting for my Dr to give me options on how to proceed. I decided to have a D&C the next day.

I freaked when it actually came time for the D&C. I had tears streaming down my face and the the doctor gave me something to "relax" before putting me under. When I woke up, I still had tears in my eyes and I wasn't sure if I even stopped crying.

It's been 9 months since my D&C and it still crosses my mind often. This year has definitely taken a toll on me. I have my good days and I have my bad days. As each cycle goes on, IF is looming in the back of mind and I just can't help but wonder.

LEOW0504 · December 2014

My heart is heavy reading these posts from everyone and thank you for being brave enough to share. I hate that any of us have to be here.

My husband and I have been together since we were 19, now 5 years later we have gone through a lot. The hardest was probably from May 2013 until now. A little background is necessary...

My husband had a great childhood. He was surrounded by many brothers and 2 very loving parents who never fought or disagreed in front of the children. I however wasn't so lucky. I had a great childhood and my parents loved my brothers and I but we had issues. My parents would fight to the point of things being broken and calling each other names, sometimes it escalated even more than that. It was terrifying being a child and desperately wanting to fix the situation, feeling as if I was the cause, and wanting to protect my younger brothers. Despite the obstacles my family faced we've pulled through and are still together. Having dealt with family problems at such a young age, even still occurring now as an adult, but not as bad, I have never wanted more to become a mother. I've always loved children and wanted lots and lots of babies around the house. As a result of my family problems, when I was 21 years old I moved out of my parents house and into my now in-laws home. Things were great at first, then slowly went downhill. It was too much for me with the amount of people living in that one house and my MIL and I are very much alike. I lived with them for about 2 years until my husband and I were able to find/buy a house. In May 2013 I found out I was pregnant. My husband and I had been engaged for about a year at that point and were still living with his parents. We were both terrified because we didn't know what would happen. We were concerned that his parents would kick us out and we wouldn't have anywhere to go. We knew that our families wouldn't be supportive immediately and that my family would probably take until the baby was born to be supportive. After about a week of us knowing I was pregnant my husband and I talked and he wanted to terminate. I however didn't want to and he accepted that and was very supportive. We began to get really excited and had a plan for our future. I made an appointment with my OB/GYN and got my BW done and scheduled my first US. Things were going great. At my first visit with the doctor he said that based on my last period the baby should be measuring bigger than it was, but he wasn't concerned. A few days later I went in for an US and things were going well. A few weeks later I got more BW done and scheduled a second US. At this point I was 10 weeks along and my levels had dropped. My doctor still wanted me to have the US to see what was going on. After having the US my doctor told me that the baby had stopped growing and I should expect to MC soon. We talked about when the miscarry process would potentially begin and what I should expect, and my doctor told me to MC naturally. I was naive and had complete trust in my doctor. I did some research on natural MC and didn't know that a D&C was even an option or what a D&C even was.

I was an emotional wreck in the days leading up to my miscarriage. Once it began I was at work and was, thankfully, able to leave early. I had never been in more pain in my entire life, physically, emotionally, and mentally. I didn't know what to expect and I didn't know what to do. I called my husband at work and asked him to come home. He thought I was being dramatic and decided to stay at work. At that point I couldn't even think about how hurt I was that he chose to take that position. After house and house of pain and cramping and sitting in a hot bath hoping to help, it was all over. I passed the sac and the blood clots had gotten significantly smaller and I wasn't in nearly as much pain. I got myself up and was finally able to get to sleep. In the morning when I woke up (I stayed at my cousin's house) I hadn't heard from my husband at all. Not even asking if I was okay. I was crushed, not only because he was being inconsiderate but because I had just suffered the worst loss I could ever imagine. I made it home a few days later and couldn't even look at my husband. Not only had he let me down as a friend but also as being my future partner in life. The one I would share everything with and who would father my children. I expected so much more from him. He had violated my privacy and broke me to pieces. While at work the night I was miscarrying he decided to share with friends from work (whom we consider family), some information that I had shared with him, including pictures I had sent him (I document everything in our life with photos). It had taken much time for the trust to be regained and for that part of our relationship to be repaired, but now that it has we are ready and have been TTC.

I'm terrified to become pregnant again and to suffer another loss. Mentally and emotionally its taken over a year for me to even remotely recover and I still have panic attacks and anxiety that this will happen again. I'm so ready to become a mother but I'm scared and nervous to have the possibility of a MC again. I find myself to be jealous of friends who are pregnant and haven't had to experience this. My nephew was born in April and when I found out my cousin was pregnant Iw as ecstatic for her, but felt a pang of jealousy also. I love my nephew more than anything but I desperately wish I had a little one growing up along side him right now.

I know dwelling on the why's and what if's do absolutely nothing but sometimes I find myself slipping back to that place.

Sorry about the book, but it feels good to be able to share with others who have experienced this as well. I don't have any friends who have gone through anything like this.

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Tell me your story. TTCAL Related.

Re: Tell me your story. TTCAL Related.

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