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June 2015 Moms
I'msorrymsjackson
member
Dear Diary: I'm a selfish bitch
I'msorrymsjackson
member
So, we are living as expats in the UK and had arranged for husband's parents and my mom and sister to fly over for Christmas this year. My dad passed away in June and we really wanted to spend Christmas with both families and since his is in New Mexico and mine is in Houston, this seemed a good way to do it and get them all a European vacation at the same time. Plus, my mom was really wanting to have a different Christmas than their traditional one since this will be the first without my dad. So, after months of discussion with everyone and everyone in agreement, we bought his parents tickets, and my mom was able to buy hers and my sister's.
Now, in the background while all these months of discussion are happening, his dad is gradually becoming more and more reliant on oxygen. I ask why. Husband doesn't know. Apparently his parents don't know. We insist they get to the doctor asap. His doctor's either don't care or his parents won't say. Regardless, the doctor prescribes a portable oxygen concentrator that he can travel with. Fine. We think it's resolved for now.
Then, over the weekend, MIL had to take FIL to an urgent care. They say his lungs are clear. They go to their real doctor yesterday and he says the same, but notes how much his o2 levels dropped just walking from the reception desk to his office. Says maybe it's his heart, recommends he not travel. FIL is about 400 lbs and has ignored everyone and every doctor for years who have told him he needs to lose weight. He laughs about it in fact.
So, now my husband is trying to decide whether and when he should fly over there to see them. And I agree that he should.
But here's the thing...I don't want to go. I'm already off work for that time since they were supposed to be here several days before my family, but I don't feel up for over 14 hours of travel. I just got back from an international business trip that seriously did me in, and I'm supposed to have my first ultrasound during that time.
Plus, my dad was fighting cancer for the last two years and I made a lot of trips back by myself, and in the first half of this year alone I made the trips alone. He did come with me twice right at the very end and then for the funeral. But there is also a part of me that it's really scared, because it feels a little like deja vu...in June a week before my dad died, I went back and told my dad I was pregnant, and then immediately after I flew back I lost the baby. We are nearly twelve weeks now but without a scan or heartbeat that I have seen our heard, I still don't feel that confident. And I just don't think I can do it!
But alas, I still feel like a selfish bitch for not wanting to go and also feeling like our Christmas plans are spoiled. I know his dad is sick, and I don't want anything to happen to him, but WHY wait so long to see a fucking doctor?!
Rant over. Sorry, dear diary.
Now, in the background while all these months of discussion are happening, his dad is gradually becoming more and more reliant on oxygen. I ask why. Husband doesn't know. Apparently his parents don't know. We insist they get to the doctor asap. His doctor's either don't care or his parents won't say. Regardless, the doctor prescribes a portable oxygen concentrator that he can travel with. Fine. We think it's resolved for now.
Then, over the weekend, MIL had to take FIL to an urgent care. They say his lungs are clear. They go to their real doctor yesterday and he says the same, but notes how much his o2 levels dropped just walking from the reception desk to his office. Says maybe it's his heart, recommends he not travel. FIL is about 400 lbs and has ignored everyone and every doctor for years who have told him he needs to lose weight. He laughs about it in fact.
So, now my husband is trying to decide whether and when he should fly over there to see them. And I agree that he should.
But here's the thing...I don't want to go. I'm already off work for that time since they were supposed to be here several days before my family, but I don't feel up for over 14 hours of travel. I just got back from an international business trip that seriously did me in, and I'm supposed to have my first ultrasound during that time.
Plus, my dad was fighting cancer for the last two years and I made a lot of trips back by myself, and in the first half of this year alone I made the trips alone. He did come with me twice right at the very end and then for the funeral. But there is also a part of me that it's really scared, because it feels a little like deja vu...in June a week before my dad died, I went back and told my dad I was pregnant, and then immediately after I flew back I lost the baby. We are nearly twelve weeks now but without a scan or heartbeat that I have seen our heard, I still don't feel that confident. And I just don't think I can do it!
But alas, I still feel like a selfish bitch for not wanting to go and also feeling like our Christmas plans are spoiled. I know his dad is sick, and I don't want anything to happen to him, but WHY wait so long to see a fucking doctor?!
Rant over. Sorry, dear diary.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Dear Diary: I'm a selfish bitch
Second, this may sound bitchy so I apologize but his dad chose to wait that long to see a Dr and ignored the weight loss recommendations..so lack of planning on his part should constitute as an emergency on yours? I don't think so. And you have your mom coming to visit. She probably needs the get away over the holidays more than she knows especially if it's the first one without your dad. She probably needs the distraction. And you shouldn't travel after what happened last time you did..even if it is just for peace of mind. If you did that trip a bunch on your own he can do the same
I haven't pulled the Pregnancy Card much yet but in this situation I totally would. Also this trip is important to your mom and sister so it would be lame to change it on them now. You're not selfish. Your FIL might be. But you're not.
Two things: 1. You're not being selfish. And 2. No, you're really not being selfish at all.
I agree with PP's and am so sorry for everything you've been through. I think discussing your concerns regarding traveling in relation to what happened after traveling to see your father would help him to understand why you'd prefer to stay home, without insulting him or making it sound like you're insensitive to his FIL's health condition. Like people have said before, this is only one year, and it's not ideal, but it's most important for you to take care of yourself, your DH to spend time with his dad, and you to be there for your mom, as I'm sure this year will be tough for her.
Married 10/9/2009
The beautiful Royelle Marie born 2/7/2012
Baby #2 coming June 11, 2015 (Scheduled CS)
That said, he's waffling about going without me because he says it's all that time away from me and blah blah blah, which is sweet but only makes me feel worse since I know he should go. And he may miss the first scan, which is sad, but...Well we can thank the NHS for that and the fact that they haven't even booked it yet. We were also really looking forward to telling both families about the pregnancy together and now that won't really be possible, but it's not the end of the world.
I really appreciate all of you for taking the time to read my super long rant and reassure me.
First, let me say I'm so sorry for your loss. The holidays are so difficult that first year. And it's going to be really hard for your mom. It would be hard for her to be home alone, but it's also going to be hard for her to "do something different." Because let's face it, everything is different for her since your father has died, And I'm sure each day has its own challenges. We did something similar after my father died, my mom came with us away for the holiday. We didn't even celebrate Christmas, but it was really difficult for her to be around other families, other happy people when she was still grieving. I'm telling you this only so that if she seems distant, or sad, you have some preparation for it.
Second, my FIL died in June 2013. He had some major health concerns that the family wasn't taking seriously. (He basically went blind overnight, had some dementia, was combative and peeing in closets and they just dismissed it as "he's getting old.") It took my husband flying up there to get him into a hospital where they diagnosed him with a series of strokes. At the time, I wasn't pregnant, but we did have an 18 month old, so travel wasn't easy. And so my husband went up to deal with the medical issues of his father himself. And he ended up staying until after his father died a couple weeks later. I think it's important for your husband to go and see what's going on with his father, and as I'm sure you can appreciate, having lost your own father, spend as much time with him as he can. But I also don't think it's imperative that you go. You have a lot on your plate this year, and if his health improves, you will see him soon. If his health continues to decline, you will need to make a trip out anyway.
Me: 31 DH: 34
Married 11/09/2013
LO#1: LMP 09/14/2014 BFP 10/15/2014 EDD 06/24/2015 DS Born 06/14/2015
LO#2: LMP 09/18/2016 BFP 10/19/2016 EDD 06/27/2017 DD Born 06/27/2017
LO#3: LMP 05/16/2018 BFP 06/18/2018 EDD 02/20/2019
As for announcing - you can still tell them all at the same time with Skype. I know it's not the same as in person but you do what you've got to do.
Baby #1 EDD 6/19/15
Married to my best friend since 9/8/13
Pinterest Fails
As an American living in Europe, I understand how long those flights are and how much you want to be there to support your family (even in-laws). But you dont need to go. While your FIL doesnt sound like he's in the best of health, I also dont think he's in the worst of health. I think the doctor wanted to be safe and restrict him from a long flight and risks of infection or complications, but I doubt he's at a level of illness that requires you to cancel your holidays or stress-out while pregnant. And sadly, I've been to London in December, it's very dark (sunset at 4pm) and dreary so maybe staying in the Southwest might be good for his health, if he goes outside. There will be a time in the future when you do need to make that trip, this is probably not it.
TTC since March 2014
BFP#1 09/25/2014 EDD 6/4/2015
That said, if your DH really needs your support then that's where you should be coming from. If your FIL is likely okay just not able to travel (i.e. this isn't going to be the last chance for you to spend time with him) and your DH is fine with going alone then I wouldn't go if I were you.