Wanted a Boy, Having a Girl

LCRDWED · December 2014

A couple of days ago we found out we're having a girl. After losing my father and my husband's grandfather, we were really hoping for a boy. So, to find out baby is a girl is quite disappointing. I expected to be a little upset; but, I honestly feel devastated and haven't stopped crying yet. It doesn't help that I don't like pink, frills, ruffles, tea parties, Barbies, etc. I never have. The teen years scare the living daylights out of me and I really did not want to do another head of hair daily. Plus, my mother and I never quite understood each other. (She is a girly girl.)

I feel guilty, ungrateful, silly, selfish, and shameful for being disappointed. She is healthy and looks really strong in the ultrasounds. I want to love this little girl and be just as excited about her as I was about a little boy. Help! What are some good things about having girls besides all the clothes?

rels09 · December 2014

I don't like any of those girly things either, and neither did my mother. She let me experience them if I wanted to, but I never developed a lasting interest because it's not what I saw modeled for me. I think it will largely be the same for my daughter.

Once your daughter arrives, I think you will forget all about this. Having a daughter is an awesome and wonderful responsibility, and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

[Deleted User] · December 2014

The user and all related content has been deleted.

lala5507 · December 2014

First of all, I think you need to take a step back and breath. I have 2 daughters. It doesn't have to be "all pink and frills". Honestly, I don't even know where you buy frills and ruffles these days. And your baby isn't even born and you are worried about the teen years?? I know plenty of well mannered teenage girls and a few nightmarish teenage boys. Teenage troubles are just a girl thing.

RustyGirl3 · December 2014

I don't know what to say except girls are amazing. I have 2. And if I have a third I know she will be amazing too.

Please talk to your Dr. about these feelings. It's not your daughters fault so I implore you to work out your feeling before her arrival so you two can have the best possible relationship whether she is a girly girl or not.

VeganOnTuesdays · December 2014

Having some disappointment when finding out the sex can be normal but if it continues to be as devastating as it sounds for you then you may want to talk to your doctor. Prenatal depression is a real thing but needs to be addressed with your doctor. I'm sorry you're so disappointed by the sex of your baby.

Good things about having a girl:
1: Watch the Gilmore Girls. Seriously.
2: Just because you and your mother didn't understand each other doesn't mean it has to be that way with your daughter.
3: Seeing your husband with his daughter? Best sight in the world I'm sure.
4: Easy to relate to body changes considering you've been there.
5: You get to teach her that there is more to life than pink tutus and nail polish.

It's going to be great. Definitely work on the resentment of her not being a boy before she's here. You have plenty of time to adjust. Just pay attention to your feelings and seek additional help if needed. Good luck!

RedCherry1109 · December 2014

I can see you being a little upset but devastated is a little to much!! This could upset the ladies that have losses(including myself) or infertility! always wanted a girl and so far I have 3 boys. I'm a very girly girl and my boys are all boy! Who's to say you won't bump head with your son when he is a teenager!

rivers714 · December 2014

There are a lot of girls with losses here, so you will have some backlash. But as awesome it is to find out you have a healthy baby, I think everyone has an "idea" or more of a dream really of what makes their family perfect and how to get there. When it doesn't work out for a variety of reasons- fertility issues, baby gender, SO leaving... its natural to be disappointed. Luckily you have some time to warm up to the idea of being a rockstar mom to a little girl.

With my first, I desperately wanted a girl to teach her to ride horses and all the things that I loved. I cried when I found it was a boy. My boss at the time told me " I'm so excited for you, you will be a great Mom to a little boy".. The more I thought about it, as much as I loved horses and other traditionally girly things, I loved working on the barn, I loved learning how to use all the excavation equipment, and I've played rugby for years- I was pretty much a tomboy. I think a little boy for me was perfect, even though I had always dreamed of a girl. Now 8 years later I found out I am having a girl and I'm scared! I don't know little girl things! I am horrible with hair and braids and things.

I think there is a saying " A boy is yours until the day they get married, a girl is yours for life".... Which is you look at the board is true. Most ladies here want their moms to be there for the delivery, not the MIL. The moms probably helped with their weddings and all that stuff.

LCRDWED · December 2014

I like this Facebook page. Thank you.

RedCherry1109 · December 2014

LCRDWED said:
I like this Facebook page. Thank you.

What did you expect, for everyone to be on you side? Be happy that you have a healthy little girl!

lgsdesigner · December 2014

You might be surprised that once she is born, you fall head over heels in love with her. I believe every child is born for a reason, and your life currently needs a daughter. Embrace it and celebrate the fact that she is healthy and she is all yours. So many dream of being in your shoes right now (pregnant and with a healthy child), so you need to learn to love what life hands you.

Hawk&Eye · December 2014

You'll probably hold her for the first time and forget all about wanting a boy.

I agree with the PP who said take your moment and then move forward. Be glad she is healthy. She's going to be your little girl. She may like barbies and all things pink. But my niece basically came out of the womb loving outer space and at 15 wants to be an astronaut!

RustyGirl3 · December 2014

(((Hugs))) @mermomof6‌ and @orangepickle‌

Ash1103 · December 2014

Are you kidding me!!!! Girls are such a beautiful blessing! You are being ungrateful.

Pintobean39 · December 2014

I can see being disappointed for a second but I have a hard time when people keep coming here complaining because their baby isn't the sex they wanted. This isn't just the OP, it's others as well. I've lost 5 babies, 2 of which were girls and I'd give anything for a healthy baby. Whether you have a boy or a girl they are all blessings. Just try to be thankful it's a healthy baby. So many women out there that would love to be in your shoes.

MoxyByProxy · December 2014

After having 3 boys I was upset to learn this one (our very last) was another boy - I'll admit I cried.. more than once that day.

It's ok to hope for one thing and be disappointed when it goes a different direction.

Devastated? That's a bit dramatic. You knew it was a 50/50 shot it would be a girl.

You'll adjust.

Leslie2003 · December 2014

Why would anyone post this knowing this board is full of women with loss and/or going through infertility for years on end?

I hope, for the sake of your daughter, that you learn to understand how awesome it is to have a child. Regardless of girl or boy parts.

katiegarrett66 · December 2014

Your having a healthy baby that's all that matters, Once you see her you will instantly fall in love with her. Devastated is a very strong word. Be grateful for what you have, honestly there's too many women who will never have the chance to experience pregnancy, those are the people who my sympathy goes to, they are the ones who have a right to be 'devastated'

LCRDWED · December 2014

RedCherry1109 said:

LCRDWED said:
I like this Facebook page. Thank you.
What did you expect, for everyone to be on you side? Be happy that you have a healthy little girl!

This was in response to a Facebook page that another user suggested about raising girls. I really liked it and it provided resources for raising girls.
Admitting my true feelings is difficult and I realize it may seem very insensitive but it's real. I want the feelings gone more than anyone. I expected backlash but receiving it here is much easier than from my family and friends. I appreciate the positive and encouraging posts. I really am looking for advice to get over this not for anyone to throw a pity party.

jezebk · December 2014

When I had my first, I was disappointed when I found out I was having a boy. I have such a special relationship with my sister and I really wanted two little girls of my own. I wasn't sure what to do with a boy and was scared. I didn't really want blue stuff so I decorated with greens and browns. When my beautiful son was born, everything changed. I fell in love with him and haven't looked back. He is so amazing and I wouldn't change anything about him. He is 100% boy and loves to get dirty, play with trucks and jump from high places. This time around, I really don't know what I want. I would still love a girl but I know boys and would love to give my LO a baby brother. So I will be happy with whatever I have; I just want my baby to be healthy.

kac22 · December 2014

VeganOnTuesdays said:

Having some disappointment when finding out the sex can be normal but if it continues to be as devastating as it sounds for you then you may want to talk to your doctor. Prenatal depression is a real thing but needs to be addressed with your doctor. I'm sorry you're so disappointed by the sex of your baby. Good things about having a girl: 1: Watch the Gilmore Girls. Seriously. 2: Just because you and your mother didn't understand each other doesn't mean it has to be that way with your daughter. 3: Seeing your husband with his daughter? Best sight in the world I'm sure. 4: Easy to relate to body changes considering you've been there. 5: You get to teach her that there is more to life than pink tutus and nail polish. It's going to be great. Definitely work on the resentment of her not being a boy before she's here. You have plenty of time to adjust. Just pay attention to your feelings and seek additional help if needed. Good luck!

This is the best advice ever! haha But seriously, daughters are amazing.

LCRDWED · December 2014

marybeth080710 said:
https://www.babble.com/pregnancy/overcoming-gender-disappointment/

Maybe that will help. I don't have anything to say that isn't a cliche (a healthy baby is a blessing). I hope you get through this soon.

Thanks. The article was very helpful.

riturajbir · December 2014

Daughters are great.i have one and believe me she is so adorable and amazing. now at this time of my second pregnancy she has become more responsible and ready to become elder sister.i wish baby should be healthy because health matters the most.

slt333 · December 2014

It sounds like your devastated feelings are more about the loss of your father and grandfather-in-law. You tied their loss into a desire to have a boy. I'm not a counselor, so I have no real advice, that's just what I'm reading between the lines.

djm31012 · December 2014

No one else thinks this is a fake post? I am surprised people are actually answering...

Unknown · December 2014

This content has been removed.

djm31012 · December 2014

IFinTN said:

No one else thinks this is a fake post? I am surprised people are actually answering...
Not really, but even if fake, others who may feel this way might get something out of the responses....

Eh, never posted or responded to anything else besides this. This late in the game...at a minimum people intro first.

ambarnett1 · December 2014

I don't think this is a fake post. Gender disappointment happens. I agree with PP that your 'devastation' about having a girl is linked to the loss of your father and grandfather in law. I'm sure they would be ecstatic with a boy or a girl. You need to grieve these feelings and get over it because you're baby girl will need you. Be happy she is healthy and embrace it. You can find purples, yellows, blues, etc for girls. Your life doesn't have to be pink and ruffles if you don't want it to be.

suszbaker · December 2014

When we adopted my son from Korea, I was convinced that he was going to be a girl. Every other Asian adoptee that I knew personally was a girl. When we got his pictures and I saw that face, there was 0% disappointment. I love my son with all my heart and soul...he is one special and terrific kid. I feel incredibly guilty about hoping for a girl now. I would say if these feelings don't resolve themselves soon, you'd better talk to someone about it. I know you were just reaching out for help, but you have to understand that so many of us have had losses and/or infertility issues. Having a heathy strong baby is such a gift!

samiamagirl · December 2014

I can understand the apprehension about having a teenage girl later on down the road, especially if the relationship you had with your mom is anything like the relationship I had with mine. But you have an opportunity to change things. You are not going to be your mom and your daughter is not going to be you. This isn't just a clean slate, it's an entirely brand new and different one.

Instead of focusing on the reasons why you don't want a daughter, start focusing on the reasons you don't want to be your mother and figure out how you're going to make that happen. There's nothing your daughter can do at this point to change who she is, but there's plenty you can do to change yourself and your outlook to become a positive, loving, female influence in her life.

stephaniesee · December 2014

This is upsetting. This is my 5th pregnancy with zero babies running around. My entire life (up until my "issues") I KNEW in my head I would be having 3 perfect little girls. Well, that was not the case and I knew it would never be. Our infertility dr told us we could try IVF but a donor egg would be our best bet so we decided to take the summer off and just enjoy being in our late 20's. Labor day happens and I got another BFP, but theres no way we could be happy with my history. We found out the sex (bouncing baby boy) 2 weeks ago and I sobbing tears of JOY because there is a baby, a healthy little baby in my belly. I wouldn't care what the hell the sex was as long as I would be able to experience pregnancy the exciting and happy way, not waiting for another miscarriage to happen. EVERYONE around me was telling me its going to be a girl, it has to be a girl, you're such a girly girl and I refused to let thoughts like that sway me either way.

So just to repeat what many PPs said before me, this is not a great place to post such a trivial "disappointment" and I understand that you may not get that unless you've gone through such a loss which is something no woman should ever have to. That being said, perhaps you should see a therapist or speak with your dr because there could be deeper issues going on.

Poppy715 · December 2014

SunshyneShay said:
Several mothers here would do anything just to have a healthy baby. Having a girl is not the end of the world, good luck next time.

Yep. This is true. I'd love your healthy baby girl. You need to get over it. How awful for your child not to be loved unconditionally and cherished because she happens to be a girl.

itsmevkb · December 2014

I always hate posts like this. As someone who has just never cared if I had a boy or girl I just don't get it. I want a baby. A healthy, cooing, sleep on my shoulder, baby.

I can remember with our first my husband really wanted a boy. He wanted someone to take fishing and to be his little buddy. We had a boy. He gets bored after about 10 minutes of fishing. You know who LOVES fishing and could spend the whole day doing it? Our oldest daughter.

Each child has a unique personality regardless of their sex. If you don't like pink and ribbons and frill then don't dress your daughter in those things. And, instead of perhaps thinking that a boy would replace the relatives you've recently lost, look at a new birth of a boy or girl as an amazing symbol that life continues.

MoxyByProxy · December 2014

Normally I am not one to Wk ever but I have to say this..

Whether the post is real or fake the disappointment for women is real.

As a woman who has suffered multiple losses myself, I find it a little hard to swallow how many people are jumping on the "you should just be happy it's healthy because of others losses"

We arnt a pgal board ladies. It really does prevent someone from posting how they are feeling. Sometimes we just need someone to help put things in perspective but making them feel like even more ungrateful than thry do really isnt they way.

I felt ALL the emotions she sited. Will I love my little guy any less? No way, but I feel guilty and having those thoughts and even worse I felt alone because I was afraid to admit how I was feeling.

Flame me if you must but bottom line is we are human and feel what we feel.

shlevchinsky · December 2014

I am in the exact same boat. I just went for an ultrasound and my doctor said he us 99% sure it is a girl. My husband and I couldn't hide our disappointment. We both had dreamed of a boy.

I know that my perspective will change when I hold her for the first time. I also know that we are extremely blessed to be pregnant and have a baby when there are so many who cannot. However, I still cannot help but feel disappointed and very guilty for feeling this way. I guess I will chalk this one up to the hormones. I have read the articles about gender disappointment and its just not effecting me.

laur1020 · December 2014

As a PP has mentioned, maybe you're still dealing with the grief of losing your father and your DH's grandfather, and you thought a baby boy would somehow make it all better. I am sorry you are going through this. But please, PLEASE find a way to love your healthy, precious baby girl...it will really effect her self esteem/self worth if she ever knew your disappointment. Like she's not good enough. I have a 7 year old niece who is the sweetest, most loving and talented little girl and I would do anything for her. Unfortunately, she's growing up and displaying signs of emotional problems because her parents (especially her father) don't treat her and love her the way they should. (For other reasons, not because she's a girl)...it's heartbreaking.

allisong1187 · December 2014

I agree with everyone else. You knew going into this that is was a complete 50/50 shot as to what you would have. A baby is a blessing regardless of what gender it is. I hope you get over this soon.

LCRDWED · December 2014

shlevchinsky said:
I am in the exact same boat. I just went for an ultrasound and my doctor said he us 99% sure it is a girl. My husband and I couldn't hide our disappointment. We both had dreamed of a boy.

I know that my perspective will change when I hold her for the first time. I also know that we are extremely blessed to be pregnant and have a baby when there are so many who cannot. However, I still cannot help but feel disappointed and very guilty for feeling this way. I guess I will chalk this one up to the hormones. I have read the articles about gender disappointment and its just not effecting me.

We will get through this and both love our children unconditionally. It doesn't make you a bad person and thanks for the courage to admit it. The more I talk about it, the better it seems to get. Also, it's surprising how many other women have felt this but are afraid to admit it. You are not alone.

ellab043 · December 2014

I agree that you should be grateful for having the ability to have a healthy baby. However I also understand that you can have feelings of disappointment.

Here is honest hour: DH and I had previously agreed that if we had a girl this time we would both be open to having a third. If it was a boy great, if not no worries, as we love having a bigger family. However in the midst of being sick and miserable with #2 when we found out early on we were having another girl I cried. I had a brief moment of "oh my god this means I have to do this all again" and I was just overwhelmed and exhausted. BUT since that moment I am totally over it and so excited to give my LO a little sister. We are all thrilled.

I understand a moment of emotion or a brief feeling of disappointment as you find out things are different than you anticipated, but if you truly are devastated I think you should talk to someone about that so that it doesn't effect your relationship with this sweet child.

Snapdragon750 · December 2014

*Sigh*

OP. Calm down. You're not going to be crying from disappointment once your baby is born, I guarantee it.

I was team green (partially to avoid this ridiculous issue), and I thought I wanted DD1 to be a boy soooo bad just because the oldest in my family was a boy and I thought that was how families were "supposed" to be, with a boy as the oldest, but as soon as I heard DD's tiny cry I couldn't believe how ridiculous I'd been because I realized that I'd actually wanted a girl all along. Truth is, I would have felt the same way about a boy. I have two girls, and if this one is another girl I'm going to be ecstatic. If it's a boy, I'll also be ecstatic. Girls are amazing, boys are amazing, and being able to have children is AMAZING.

ladyteach0505 · December 2014

OP, you are getting very nice answers considering how absurd your post is. Go hang out on the infertility board for a little while and gain perspective.

I hope this is a fake post. Granted, that's super strange if so...

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