Autism Spectrum Disorder fears

kellbell1982 · November 2014

For anyone who isn't already aware, I have a nine year old daughter with ASD. I'm due with my second little girl at the end of February and she's my first with my current husband. My fear is that she will also have ASD and everyone will know it's my fault since it'll be obvious it came from me since my exhusband has a one year old who is typical and my current husband has a 13 year old who's typical. The closer the due date comes the more real the fear. I want to talk to my H about it but I don't know how to bring it up. I don't want him to resent me if she's autistic too. I know he would never come out and say it but how could he not feel that way? It sucks that we don't know what causes ASD, all I do is blame myself. Anyone else feeling like this? Do any of you have ASD kids? I love my daughter so much and I'll love this baby regardless, it's just scary.

Unknown · November 2014

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lawsonellis · November 2014

As previous posters have said you shouldn't blame yourself no matter the outcome. As you said - no one knows what causes ASD. So if both of your kids end up with it, you still can't point to you. It could be a number of different things, some as minute as compatible blood types! No one really knows and you can't take the blame for an unknown.

I also agree with talking to H now so that you're prepared and on the same page. Unity always makes scary things easier to face.

Hugs to you!!!

mwerren · November 2014

I understand the uncertain future and the stress it brings you emotionally. Please just know that regardless of the outcome, it is NOT your fault. There is so much that is not understood about autism still. I definitely agree with PP though, talk to your SO. He might be more supportive than you think. Creepy internet hugs to you

kellbell1982 · November 2014

Thanks guys, it's so nice to see people who work with ASD kids in this group. It definitely is a terrifying thing and unfortunately is inevitable that some of us will be affected personally by this diagnosis. My one comfort is it seems to get easier with age, but I still mourn the child I imagined my daughter to be when she was little. You literally mourn that loss of a normal life almost like a death. I know she won't enjoy all the milestones of childhood and teen years and probably won't marry or live on her own and it's sad. I didn't want anymore kids for years because of the fear but I chose to take that chance so I guess I need to suck it up. My h won't even entertain the idea that this baby could be autistic so I'm praying she's not. Thanks so much to all of you for making me feel better, I guess my brain knows I'm not at fault but our hearts aren't always so reasonable

Unknown · November 2014

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hetispagetti · November 2014

I'm really sorry your feeling like this, I think it's just best to talk to your other half! Explain to him how you are feeling! Whatever happens isn't your fault!!

marg81 · November 2014

My son is 13 and on the Autism Spectrum my husband is not his biological father. We are expecting a baby boy and we of course have fears of another special needs child. We of course will love this baby no matter what. I will be looking closely for any delays and getting services immediately if that is what is needed. I try to not let it scare me. CHOP has pointed out to us that the chances are greater with me because we are having a baby boy and I have a previous child on the spectrum. My son has been getting services since he was 2 he has made tons of growth and I am sure he will continue and live a "normal" life. I totally get your fears. I really don't think Autism is anyone's fault.

Amy and Jay · November 2014

I'm sorry you're feeling like this. My 5 yo girl has ASD and my 3yo is typical (though had heart defects so a diff. type of special needs).

I totally understand the fear and I have a bit of it myself. I'm trying not to stress about that stuff and just keep positive. I'm sure that no matter what, your DH will love that baby and blame shouldn't even come into question.

MrsZ1891 · November 2014

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. It's completely understandable that you would feel this way. I think you should talk to your DH about it. It will probably make you feel better and he can reassure you like no one else can. Hugs for you!

Christina80xoxo · November 2014

My 11 yr old was born with a severe cleft lip and palate. This baby is from a different dad. He already has two typical children.
I'm so scared this one will have the same thing then I will know it comes from me.
I don't have experience with ASD , but I totally know how you feel.
Time will tell , and I believe God gives us exactly the baby that was meant for us.

kellbell1982 · November 2014

marg81 said:
My son is 13 and on the Autism Spectrum my husband is not his biological father. We are expecting a baby boy and we of course have fears of another special needs child. We of course will love this baby no matter what. I will be looking closely for any delays and getting services immediately if that is what is needed. I try to not let it scare me. CHOP has pointed out to us that the chances are greater with me because we are having a baby boy and I have a previous child on the spectrum. My son has been getting services since he was 2 he has made tons of growth and I am sure he will continue and live a "normal" life. I totally get your fears. I really don't think Autism is anyone's fault.

Are you in Philadelphia? I live right near CHOP. I thought I was the only one with an ASD child it's nice to know I'm not alone. Thanks everyone for making me feel better, it's nice to have a place like this

CoozieInMyPurse · November 2014

This is my first and I still fear everything from autism spectrum to learning disabilities to allergies to weight issues. I think these fears are normal, but it's also normal to have increased fear in your position. You know what to look for and how early intervention can help. I won't tell you not to worry, but you definitely aren't alone.

ngolimento · November 2014

I'm sorry you are going through so much stress and worry. ((Hugs)). It wouldn't be your 'fault' if the worst was to happen. This stuff is decided by random fate.

lisap0924 · November 2014

I currently work as an ABA 1:1 with an 8yo boy with autism. I previously worked as an in home ABA therapist. As awesome as my current student (and past students) is, ASD scares the bejesus out of me.
I think is is normal to worry as a mom. I don't think that feeling ever goes away.
I agree with others, in that you can't blame yourself if this baby also has ASD. You love your ASD daughter and you will love your baby also. Hugs!

ajacot924 · November 2014

I'm sorry you are going through this. I teach a child with Autisim and sometimes I see his struggles and pray that this baby isn't on the spectrum. Then of course I feel bad for thinking that. My one advice would be that as your baby grows, I am sure you will be looking for the signs however don't let that get in the way of the joy of the milestones.

DragonflyDreaming · November 2014

So sorry you're stressing about this! Definitely not your fault. Lots of hugs and positive thoughts and prayers.

Whitfry · November 2014

I have a very good friend whose oldest is nonverbal autistic. She had another son by the same father, and another with a different father and they are both completely typical.

I know at least two other couples with one ASD child and one typical child as well.

There is so little knowledge about what causes ASD, I don't think you can place the blame on any one person or thing. But I can sympathize with your fears. I work as a habilitative therapist, and I worry my son will be on the spectrum purely because it IS so impossible to predict or test for.

Prayers for you and your stress level and your new LO.

JCWhitey · November 2014

I don't have much to contribute other than to say try not too stress yourself out. We have no idea what causes ASD so even if this child is autistic it doesn't mean it came from you! I worked at a summer camp for ASD families and there are some where all of the children are on the spectrum and some where one child is and the rest aren't. All from the same parents. There is no rhyme or reason for it, and cannot be predicted.

ETA: Editing because we're referring to ASD, not an After Dinner Speech. Too much forensics going through my head the other day!

marg81 · November 2014

kellbell1982 said:

My son is 13 and on the Autism Spectrum my husband is not his biological father. We are expecting a baby boy and we of course have fears of another special needs child. We of course will love this baby no matter what. I will be looking closely for any delays and getting services immediately if that is what is needed. I try to not let it scare me. CHOP has pointed out to us that the chances are greater with me because we are having a baby boy and I have a previous child on the spectrum. My son has been getting services since he was 2 he has made tons of growth and I am sure he will continue and live a "normal" life. I totally get your fears. I really don't think Autism is anyone's fault.
Are you in Philadelphia? I live right near CHOP. I thought I was the only one with an ASD child it's nice to know I'm not alone. Thanks everyone for making me feel better, it's nice to have a place like this

Yes I am in the Philadelphia suburbs. I live right near SJU. Feel free to use us for support anytime.

BrandiLynn83 · November 2014

I worry too because bf has typical kids and I have an autistic brother. It's not your "fault" though. There is no fault.

Momme4life · November 2014

We too have a daughter with ASD so I feel like I somewhat understand. We went through a blaming phase, right after the denial and before the anger phase. At this point we are at a place of acceptance, understanding and advocacy. I worry about the child I'm carrying as well but for a different reason. The only advice I can give is to say you all will obviously love your daughters regardless and you should love yourself just the same. There is so much uncertainty about the causes of Autism that we only hurt ourselves when we place that weight on any one person.

ciaobellat · November 2014

I agree with everyone. Don't blame yourself, but I can understand your worries, I think that is only normal. As we all get closer we start to think of the what ifs. You are not alone on that, I worry a lot. I hope and pray everything will work out how you imagine.

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