Late Term and Child Loss

Introduction - long (*older child mentioned*)

Hi Everyone,

First I would like to say that I am sorry for all of your losses. This is not a place anyone wants to be, but I'm glad this board exists so I can share my story.

I lost my daughter on Monday at 17w2d. It was the worst experience of my life. I had a really easy pregnancy until Sunday morning when I woke up bleeding and cramping. My doctor sent me to the ER - I couldn't be seen in labor and delivery until 20 weeks. I checked into the ER and had an ultrasound. My baby had a heartbeat and looked great. There was something on the ultrasound that they couldn't distinguish between a fibroid or a hemorrhage. My cervix was long and closed and they said there was nothing they could do for me so I was sent home. My water broke Sunday night. In an instant, my whole world was shattered. I knew it was over. I went back to the ER. An ultrasound confirmed what I already knew. I was sent up to L&D to have my labor induced. My baby girl was born at 8:42am on Monday morning. She was so little. I held her and I cried. 

I am wrestling with a lot of emotions right now. My husband was out of town. He got on a plane as soon as he could but he didn't make it in time. He didn't want to see her. I'm not sure if it will ever be as real for him as it is for me.

I feel guilty. I wish I could have done something different to make this not happen. My doctor said it was likely a placental problem and we may never know the real cause. I also feel guilty because I never felt as connected to this pregnancy as I did with my first. When I was pregnant with DS I was obsessed with being pregnant. This time I had my son and I had work and it just felt like life got in the way. I wish I could go back and try harder to feel connected. Now she's just gone.

I am struggling because I don't have a religious faith. I don't believe in heaven. I want so badly to believe that my baby is in a better place and that I'll see her again, but that's not what I believe. I wonder if it would be easier if I could believe that. 

We did choose a name for our daughter. We named her Grace Hollan.d. We chose the name Grace after the song Amazing Grace. My husband has Scottish heritage and we love that song played on the bagpipes - it is a song that has inspired hope for so many in the time of tragedy. My husband has a music box from his grandmother that plays amazing grace and that is where we will put Grace's ashes. We chose the middle name Holland because it reminds me of fields and fields of tulips. I can't think of anything more beautiful to represent my daughter. 

Now I go back to pick up the pieces and face the new reality of my life. I know this was long, but I thank you for reading and letting me share my story.
Lilypie Third Birthday tickers Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers 
BFP #1 DS born 10/16/12 at 39w6d
BFP #2 DD lost 11/17/14 at 17w2d

Re: Introduction - long (*older child mentioned*)

  • CheesyPeasCheesyPeas member
    edited November 2014
    I am so sorry for your loss.  What a beautiful name you chose for your daughter; thank you for sharing her story with us.  I'm glad you found this board; it's a really crappy group to belong to but the women here are incredibly supportive.  Please lean on us to whatever extent you need and be gentle with yourself and all of the emotions that will come during the process of adjusting to your new version of life.  ((hugs)) 
    November 2010 - 10.5 week loss  o:) 
    October 2011 - DS (7)  <3 
    July 2014 - Stillborn DD (24 weeks)  o:) 
    August 2015 - DD (3)  <3 
    April 2018 - 5 week loss o:) 

  • I am so very sorry for the loss of your daughter Grace Holand - such a beautiful name! This board has been a big support for me and I hope it will be for you too! Lean on us whenever you need to. For now just be patient with yourself and take it moment to moment. ((hugs))
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  • I am so sorry for your loss of Grace. She has such a beautiful name. No one wants to be a part of this group, but we are here whenever you need us.
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    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickersLilypie Kids Birthday tickers

    Me: 32 DH: 33  High School Sweethearts  Married 5/28/2005
    DS1 born 6/5/10 at 40 weeks via emergency c-section due to fetal distress and IUGR caused by placental insufficiency
    DS2 born still 8/28/13 at 32 weeks via emergency c-section due to a complete placental abruption - cause unknown
    Baby #3 on the way, EDD 2/29/16.  Originally twins, but we said goodbye to Baby B at 8 weeks.
  • I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter.  The girls here are all amazing and really supportive.  I'm glad you found us.
    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

  • I'm sorry for your loss. You picked a beautiful name for your daughter. You've found a great group of supportive women here.
    TTC since August 2013 BFP #1 1/15/14...MMC 2/24/14...D&C 3/3/14 BFP #2 5/11/14 ... severe pre-e placental abruption our angel born sleeping at 22 weeks Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
  • My heart breaks for the loss of your precious daughter. Welcome to the group. Everyone here has been extremely supportive. My best advice is to take one day at a time. You will have good and bad days and that's ok.
    Married my rock - April 29, 2011
    BFP - June 4, 2011 EDD February 3, 2012
    Super T born @ 37 weeks - January 13, 2012
    Super T diagnosed with stage IV high risk Neuroblastoma nmyc-amp - January 2, 2013
    Super T cancer free - June 19, 2013
    Super T relapsed - January 2, 2014
    Super T earned his angel wings - January 3, 2014
     
    TTC for #2 beginning November 2014
    BFP #2 - Chemical Pregnancy - Confirmed May 29, 2015
    Diagnosed with PCOS; HSG - Clear; SA - Clear
    Clomid #1 - BFN
    Femera Cycle #2 - BFN
    Femera Cycle #3 - BFP 11/10/15 - EDD 07/14/16
     
     
    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
  • Im so sorry to hear about your little Grace. After my loss my mother in law bought me the book An Empty Cradle A Full Heart by Christine O'Keeffee Lafser, I highly recommend it. There is a section for both mothers and fathers and a section for each separately. All the passages are from women and men who have been through what we all are walking through. I hope you find peace.
  • Big ((hugs)) I am so very sorry for your loss.
    Lilypie - (qptF)


    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers 
    "Elsie Irene was born sleeping at 35w 6d on December 8, 2012. Mommy and Daddy miss you sweet girl."


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