Introduction - long (*older child mentioned*)

CC1017

Hi Everyone,

First I would like to say that I am sorry for all of your losses. This is not a place anyone wants to be, but I'm glad this board exists so I can share my story.

I lost my daughter on Monday at 17w2d. It was the worst experience of my life. I had a really easy pregnancy until Sunday morning when I woke up bleeding and cramping. My doctor sent me to the ER - I couldn't be seen in labor and delivery until 20 weeks. I checked into the ER and had an ultrasound. My baby had a heartbeat and looked great. There was something on the ultrasound that they couldn't distinguish between a fibroid or a hemorrhage. My cervix was long and closed and they said there was nothing they could do for me so I was sent home. My water broke Sunday night. In an instant, my whole world was shattered. I knew it was over. I went back to the ER. An ultrasound confirmed what I already knew. I was sent up to L&D to have my labor induced. My baby girl was born at 8:42am on Monday morning. She was so little. I held her and I cried. 

I am wrestling with a lot of emotions right now. My husband was out of town. He got on a plane as soon as he could but he didn't make it in time. He didn't want to see her. I'm not sure if it will ever be as real for him as it is for me.

I feel guilty. I wish I could have done something different to make this not happen. My doctor said it was likely a placental problem and we may never know the real cause. I also feel guilty because I never felt as connected to this pregnancy as I did with my first. When I was pregnant with DS I was obsessed with being pregnant. This time I had my son and I had work and it just felt like life got in the way. I wish I could go back and try harder to feel connected. Now she's just gone.

I am struggling because I don't have a religious faith. I don't believe in heaven. I want so badly to believe that my baby is in a better place and that I'll see her again, but that's not what I believe. I wonder if it would be easier if I could believe that. 

We did choose a name for our daughter. We named her Grace Hollan.d. We chose the name Grace after the song Amazing Grace. My husband has Scottish heritage and we love that song played on the bagpipes - it is a song that has inspired hope for so many in the time of tragedy. My husband has a music box from his grandmother that plays amazing grace and that is where we will put Grace's ashes. We chose the middle name Holland because it reminds me of fields and fields of tulips. I can't think of anything more beautiful to represent my daughter. 

Now I go back to pick up the pieces and face the new reality of my life. I know this was long, but I thank you for reading and letting me share my story.

CheesyPeas

I am so sorry for your loss.  What a beautiful name you chose for your daughter; thank you for sharing her story with us.  I'm glad you found this board; it's a really crappy group to belong to but the women here are incredibly supportive.  Please lean on us to whatever extent you need and be gentle with yourself and all of the emotions that will come during the process of adjusting to your new version of life.  ((hugs)) 

msunshine123

I am so very sorry for the loss of your daughter Grace Holand - such a beautiful name! This board has been a big support for me and I hope it will be for you too! Lean on us whenever you need to. For now just be patient with yourself and take it moment to moment. ((hugs))

stefuge

I am so sorry for your loss of Grace. She has such a beautiful name. No one wants to be a part of this group, but we are here whenever you need us.

Mrs.EvilQueen

I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter.  The girls here are all amazing and really supportive.  I'm glad you found us.

Littleowl913

I'm sorry for your loss. You picked a beautiful name for your daughter. You've found a great group of supportive women here.

jenn.schott

My heart breaks for the loss of your precious daughter. Welcome to the group. Everyone here has been extremely supportive. My best advice is to take one day at a time. You will have good and bad days and that's ok.

KorinneGilbert

Im so sorry to hear about your little Grace. After my loss my mother in law bought me the book An Empty Cradle A Full Heart by Christine O'Keeffee Lafser, I highly recommend it. There is a section for both mothers and fathers and a section for each separately. All the passages are from women and men who have been through what we all are walking through. I hope you find peace.

Noethola

Big ((hugs)) I am so very sorry for your loss.