need advice from all the loss moms

mmsweeney1 · November 2014

** loss mentioned **

Well I came over here earlier this summer, then mostly stopped posting due to being on mobile. Now I'm back looking for some help!

some quick background info: We had a loss in the summer of 2013 when our baby boy died at 39 weeks. We decided to try again, and now our little girl is nearly 4 (!!) months old.

I am starting to transition her into her crib. I've been great about naps and her first stretch of night sleep because I'm awake and able to check on her. After that, I chicken out every night and put her back in the rock n play beside my bed. I'm too scared to let her sleep away from me. It's embarrassing to say, but I am convinced something will happen and we'll lose her too.

Does/did anyone else have thoughts like this? I know millions of babies sleep in cribs every night, but I'm not there yet!

kateitho · November 2014

I'm terrified of the same thing. We are actually ordering this monitor today, so hopefully, I can relax enough to sleep. We have an Arm's Reach side car crib, but I still can't sleep unless we're touching, and then I wake up often because I'm afraid of smothering him! I've got high hopes for the Snuza Oma! I'll keep you updated and let you know if it actually helps me relax and sleep

((hugs)) I know this is hard!

JennOH85 · November 2014

First, big ((hugs)). Second, I would say don't feel like you have to rush to do anything. You will get there when you are all ready. Our one-year-old still sleeps in our room (we went from cosleeping to bed sharing.) and it's working for us so I don't plan on moving him anytime soon. For the first two weeks of his life he only slept while being held, we took shifts staying up with him. I was too nervous to set him down for anything except a diaper change. So I can empathize with what you are feeling. Do what you are most comfortable with.

hungryhippo · November 2014

I think this feeling is 100% normal, and from what friends have told me it's not exclusive to parents who have experienced loss but I do think there may be heightened feelings/fear for us.

I think it was right around the 3 and 4 month mark that this was particularly heightened for me. DS actually seemed to prefer sleeping in his crib and despite my visions of having him in our room for at least the first 6 months, it felt like we should take advantage of his love of the crib and have him regularly sleep in there in order to avoid a tough transition in the future. I actually slept in the single bed in his room many nights around that time. It wasn't good quality sleep but when I was awake I could hear him breathing or easily go and check on him, which was what I needed at the time. Now at 14 months old he only sleeps in our room during particularly rough sleep regressions.

As a parent, taking care of you is an important part of taking care of your LO. Do what you need to be the best parent you can be and if that means staying close to her all night, that is perfectly ok.

Thoughts/fear of losing DS do still cross my mind (usually at night) but not as often or as intensely these days. I try to channel those feelings toward intentionally appreciating this moment of having my healthy baby in my arms. I longed for that for years, so I want to stay mindful of how very good this situation is and my fear is one of the things that help me do that.

Wifey xo · November 2014

I understand it is a common fear of many new Mom's, but absolutely agree that loss Mom's do see things differently. My loss has greatly affected me, and how I do things. I had enough space in my room to start him in the crib from day one, then around six months moved him upstairs because I felt it was time for me to sleep ( the hand sucking and little noises had me up hourly). I was, and am still, anxious at one year. I still look at the monitor in the middle of the night if I wake up. I took some classes before he was born, and the emergency/CPR instructor recommended baby be in proximity for the first year. So, I say, what is the rush? If you are not ready at 4 months, then give it a little more time. Naps are a great start. You will be glad you started naps in the crib because when she gets used to it and sleeps there all the time, that consistency will make things easier on you. I think we will always worry about something. Hang in there! Ipad/ no paragraphs

KikiCohen · November 2014

My DS is 17 months and I still check on him at least once a night and usually send DH to check him once too. We had an Angelcare Monitor and that worked well for us until DS started moving a lot in his sleep, so he'd roll off the sensor and set off the alarm. When he was your LO's age, I would constantly wake up and go check him. It gradually got better, but I would say I still got up 4-5 times a night until he was 12 months. Hugs!

mmsweeney1 · November 2014

Thanks everyone. It's always helpful to know we're not alone in this. I guess I will have to take it easy and not try to rush anything.

@hungryhippo‌ and @Happyin14‌ I agree with what you both said about loss making us appreciate the moments with our kids and helping us be good moms.

@kateitho‌ hope the monitor works out. I'd love an update later on!

@KikiCohen‌ (is your username from the OC?? Love it!) and @Wifey xo‌ it sounds like the worrying will be constant. I better get used to it!

KikiCohen · November 2014

Yes ma'am! Love The OC

ksyknelvr73 · November 2014

Your fears are perfectly normal, to me. I was the same way with my older son and I am still that way with my younger son. We have the Angel Care monitor and I honestly don't believe I would be able to sleep at night without it. To tell you how paranoid I was, my older son slept with the monitor until he was 2, despite the fact that he moved around a lot and could talk, etc. Oh well, it helped me keep my sanity. You have to do what you have to do to keep peace of mind.

angelsnight · November 2014

I was the exact same way when LO was first born. Even though I didn't lose my angel to SIDS (born sleeping at 22 weeks) I have always had a fear of SIDS and just any and everything that could take my rainbow from me.

The first two weeks she was home, I was TERRIFIED at night, I absolutely dreaded bed time and I barely slept, I'd always lay there, watching the monitor. I put her in her crib from day one because I just wanted to rip the band aid all at once and try to get used to her in her crib, in her room away from me.

It was so hard but it eventually got easier until by about 2 months I actually looked forward to bedtime for some me time. LO is 8 months now and her monitor's battery died over an hour ago and I haven't gotten up to check on her yet. I will before I go to bed, and I'll plug it back in so it's on, but it just goes to show how much more comfortable I have gotten with it.

It also helps to know I did everything possible to help guard against SIDS....nothing in her crib except her (though I do give her a stuffed animals for naps, and bedtime until I go to bed, so that's another step I've taken), I dress her on the cooler side, I have a ceiling fan on low for air circulation, the video monitor to keep an eye on her and put her on her back to sleep, though now she often sleeps on her side since she can roll just fine.

There is nothing wrong with checking on her often until you are more comfortable, and for now just keep doing it at nap time and earlier in the night until you are more comfortable. It will get easier, but I think what you're feeling is totally normal. (((hugs)))

SciChick · November 2014

Absolutely you are not alone in this. We kept DD in her bassinet so she was right next to me for a lot longer than we should have. We do have a monitor and it buzzes every time she moves and we can hear her but it took a while to get used to her sleeping in another room and I cried for a few nights when making the transition. For us it has become easier but yes, at first, I was so terrified.

pkaren · November 2014

Having a baby is terrifying!! I moved B into her own crib at 8 weeks old, becuase I'm such a light sleeper and I think we were waking each other up and both not sleeping well. We did end up cosleeping most nights though. If you're not comfortable having baby sleep in the big crib so far away (it's scary!) then you absolutely don't have to! It's not like she'll be sleeping in your bed when she goes to college! We used the Snuza alarm as well, but the battery died and it was never the same after that, it kept going off all the time and giving false alarms, giving us as well as poor B a heart attack when it would go off! It was a hand me down from a friend though. I also have a video monitor, which I was worried I would obsessively stare at her while she slept. Now it gives me peace of mind when I can see her move and know she's ok. ((Hugs)) and good luck!

kateitho · December 2014

We have our Snuza, and I am actually sleeping again! I like being able to just see it blink and know it's working without touching him and possibly waking him up. Now, if we could get him to sleep past 5 am, life would be awesome! lol

mmsweeney1 · December 2014

kateitho said:

We have our Snuza, and I am actually sleeping again! I like being able to just see it blink and know it's working without touching him and possibly waking him up. Now, if we could get him to sleep past 5 am, life would be awesome! lol

Great news, thanks for reporting back! 5am doesn't sound too terrible...
Think I will ask one of the grandmas for that monitor for Christmas!

kateitho · December 2014

5 am really isn't that bad if I remember to set the coffee pot on autobrew!

Want a personalized experience?

need advice from all the loss moms

Re: need advice from all the loss moms

Choose Another Board

Search Boards