Need help w lo who doesn't deal well w adversity

groovygrl · October 2014

I need some advice to help my son deal with frustrating or challenging situations esp social ones. He melts down and cries at just about anything, runs away and hides etc. He is 5. Examples- his sister says something not so nice or pushes him and he automatically breaks down in tears, comes running to us to tattle, throws himself on the sofa rtc. He does the same thing if I have to ask him multiple times to do something like put on his shoes to leave the house (usually telling me how mean I am in the process) or if he and his sister are running while playing and he thinks she will "win"he will quit or just start crying, another example at the playground if he is playing tag or a similar game w other kids, if he ends up being it more than he wants or they make him be the bad guy more than he wants, he will run and hide and cry or say he doesn't want to play anymore. We try not to intervene too much and encourage him to work it out but he can't seem to do it.

We have had many many talks with him about tattling, working things out w his sister, walking away or ignoring her if she is bugging him just to be a pest, how to stand up for himself at the park and tell the other kids that they need to be it sometimes too, role play and give him some words he can use next time, etc etc etc. I am sort of at a loss as to how to further coach him on coping with not always getting his way or feeling picked on. The interesting thing is that he will stick up for others but not himself and we have even tried to point that out to him, how he has done a great job defending others and needs to try the same thing out for himself...

Thanks for any ideas .

neverblushed · October 2014

Wowzers -- I could have written this about my son when he was 4 or 5. I estimate that he probably broke into tears at least once each day at that age. He seemed SO sensitive and SO over-reactive. That's part of the reason I did not send him to kindergarten that year.

I found with my little guy that the more involved I got in the crisis of the moment, the more he did it and the more dramatic he was. If he was flipping out over some perceived slight and I tried to comfort him -- it got worse. If I tried to scold him -- it got worse. My DS would also try to manipulate my by telling me what a MEAN MOMMY I was.

This was the one situation where I felt time-outs were a great solution. If he was being a complete spazz, I would just tell him he needed some chill time and send him to his room to read a book. I didn't approach this as though I was punishing him, I'd just say, "Why don't you go to your room and read until you're calmed down."

Kids go through a huge emotional/social/cognitive growth spurt around age 6 that helps them be more resilient. My son just turned 10 and it's been a LOOOONNNG time since he broke into tears about a fight with his sister or losing a game or not getting his way. Hang in there, Mama!

MirandaHobbes · October 2014

To add another perspective: my son is also this way. I can't even say things like "put your shoes on" without him saying something like "it's not my fault my shoes aren't on!!" He argues with his teachers, cries at the drop of a hat, and always, always believes he is right. This morning I told him sternly that he had 2 minutes to get his shoes on or we'd be late for school and he yelled at me to stop being so MEAN while bursting into tears. This is not neurotypical behavior. We had a full psych eval a couple weeks ago and he was diagnosed with an unspecified anxiety disorder. We weren't surprised. We've known he has ASD for some time, which adds to this by general immaturity and not understanding how his actions affect others. There's a dash of typical in his behaviors, but he takes it to the extreme. For example, recently he started LOUDLY crying in the middle of Target because I wouldn't buy him something. It was the first time I actually had a lady start trailing me because I think she thought I was hurting him. I decided to ignore his crying regardless and tried to redirect him. It took about 10 minutes but he eventually calmed down. While we were waiting in the checkout line he said to me "If I had cried a little louder I bet you would have bought me that toy." UGH. Just something to think about if you see it getting worse, or if he's having trouble at school.

groovygrl · October 2014

Thanks all... it is good to hear stories about kids who worked through it but also appreciate the other perspective- our son has always had anxiety type behaviors and signs here and there of ASD like behaviors, we are waiting to see how this year goes at school & home and then will be deciding about evaluation again (we had been at age 3 already, there were no ASD concerns by dev psych but she did acknowledge the anxiety behaviors). DS does not do these things at school typically other than sometimes choosing to play on his own at recess or sometimes removing himself from a group and sitting off to the side to self-calm or whatever, so we'll see... I talk to the teachers regularly about it so I would hope they'd tell me if he has meltdowns, etc. ... sigh.

amieeyoung · November 2014

My son is still sensitive and he's 9. He's better than he was but some days are hard. I do my best to stay patient (though I admit I fail miserably at times) and keep a calmer tone of voice. Also, I have encouraged him to find a way to calm down (such as ask to go to the bathroom at school, go to his room at home etc.) on his own, which helps. Sometimes, though, it is just high emotions. I really dread when hormones kick in as well. We take it one day at a time and do our best. Good luck!

Designermomma · November 2014

DS is so similar. He has gotten much better since starting Kindergarten. They teach them to be more independent. Also, he started taking karate which has really helped with his confidence and self discipline. He still has little fits from time to time when he is tired but we have come a long way. Also, another thing that helped with getting dressed etc. is we started giving him an allowance that he earns by doing "chores". So getting dressed on time, taking a bath etc. is less of a struggle because I remind him if he wants his allowance for the day he needs to do XYZ. It doesn't always work but it has really helped. At least I don't get "mean mommy" comments anymore.

This also helps with "I want that toy". Well how much money do you have saved in your allowance? You need to save up for that.

Need help w lo who doesn't deal well w adversity

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