DH/SO's Parenting

LightBright515 · November 2014

I'm a new mom, so maybe my expectations are skewed. But how did your DH/SO help you in the newborn stage? How do they help you with parenting now?

My daughter is 5 weeks old and I'm about to lose my mind from exhaustion and a SO who doesn't help me that much. And while I do breastfeed (with the occasional bottle), I get that the bulk of the work is on me..

.....but at 3 am when I'm dying, I can't help but to think criminal thoughts with an "exhausted" SO snoring in the bed..

BluepointToasted · November 2014

Honestly, at that stage the most he could really do to help was wait on me a bit. I breastfed as well, and a few times we tried having him take a feeding in the middle of the night, but by the time he got up and warmed up a bottle, it was way more disruptive than me just feeding the baby and putting him back down.

At that stage he helped more around the house, laundry, cooking, etc. Changed a lot of diapers when he was around.

Now that DS is older, (26 months), I have to admit that a lot still falls on me. DH simply works more hours than I do, so I guess I just accept it? When he is home he is very involved in the day to day tasks, but by default I just seem to manage DS's life.

jillyjill1026sr · November 2014

I agree with PP. The biggest help was DH taking on tasks in other areas of our lives since I EBF. I stayed home with DD for 8 months, then only worked 12 hours a week (which I still do), so the majority of the child care falls on me. However, all that matters is you're not happy with the current arrangement. Have you talked to your husband and explained exactly what you need from him? My husband is awful at finding things to help with but very receptive when I ask for specific help.
Oh, and DD is a little over 2 now and my husband is much more involved than when she was a newborn.

LightBright515 · November 2014

Thank you for the insight!

I guess I'm annoyed because he is exhausted by modifiable aspects of his life (grad school). He comes home after long days and complains that he's too tired as if I'm not exhausted myself! But because I'm not working right now, I don't count. But parenting doesn't stop cause you're tired...

I'm starting to resent him. But I think I'll make lists of things that need to be done...

theseaword · November 2014

My DH is very involved, but night time feedings were all me.
Tell your DH specifically what you need/expect. I'll usually say "can you take the kids up for bath while I clean up the kitchen?" Or "can you get DS1 dressed while I feed DS2?" Etc.

LightBright515 · November 2014

nellybluthredux said:
He would also take the first night shift, meaning DD would sleep downstairs in the living room while he played video games and I slept upstairs. If she woke up, he handled her until it was time to nurse and then he would wake me for that. It was nice to have three hours of uninterrupted sleep, knowing that he was watching her and handling things.

We try something like this, but because he's gone most of the time and I'm the main one handling her, he doesn't know how to soothe her. There is no sleep to be had while she is screaming bloody murder smh!

cyprissa · November 2014

At that age, my DH would always change the baby's diaper at night and help shush him back to sleep if necessary after I nursed. He also was really good about taking care of the baby in the evening so I could go to bed early if I was really tired. On weekends he would be on baby duty so I could nap. He also tried to make sure that I had water and did a lot of the cooking and cleaning.

Now, we share parenting totally equally and sometimes, I would say he even does more because my older one is in a total Daddy stage.

Rebis58 · November 2014

The first few months are hard and it's easy to resent your SO, especially in the middle of the night. My LO is 10 months old, and our arrangement from the beginning was that I would do all the nighttime feedings since I'm EBF and I don't have to get up and go to work (still on mat leave). That didn't stop me from being annoyed with H some nights.

What I've realized is that H isn't a mind reader. When something we agreed on isn't working for me anymore or if I need something extra from him, being silently frustrated isn't helping anyone. He doesn't know why I'm grumpy and can't help me if I don't say "H, can you do X for me" or "I'm struggling with Y"

Maybe try to find something specific your H can do for you to give you a break or help you out. For example, my H does the bathtime, pj, and story routine every night. Its a good way for him and DD to bond and also for me to have 30 min or so to myself. He also gets up with DD one day a week and lets me sleep in. The main thing that has made a difference, though, is me speaking up when I need help with something. Seems like common sense but it took me a while to figure that out.

Good luck! Hope things get better

ETA: Forgot to add, H also picked up the slack around the house and never made me feel bad if I chose to take a nap instead of clean (actually he encouraged me to do that) - that was probably one of the best things he did for me!

Rebis58 · November 2014

pobrecita said:

I wanted to murder MH most of the time in the motn. The first year is tough. Hang in there, and try to keep conversations about responsibilities for the daytime hours. Having any sort of useful communication in the motn is basically impossible.

This is so true! A friend of mine recently told me that she and her husband had an unwritten rule that whatever happens/was said in the MOTN stayed in the MOTN and was never mentioned again

LightBright515 · November 2014

TyrannosaurusLex said:
100% of her care falls on me while he works and I can't cope without the help. I don't feel guilty (much) because he gets to leave the house. I don't. That's huge. He talks to adults, drives to work without anyone screaming bloody murder about it, gets to eat two of his meals a day completely alone...he can get up and help.

Wow. This really hit home. Thank you for this! Couldn't have been worded better.

RayRay007 · November 2014

At that age DH didn't help much. Before I straightened him out, he would actually get mad at me for the house being messy or supper not being cooked when he got home. He's learned though. I mean, he can't help with BF and I wouldn't wake him in the night to help (I would have if DD had been colicky and crying all night or something and I really needed help), but he can and does help with laundry and cooking and cleaning wayyyy more than he used to, and now that he had been broken in I don't expect the same rows we had when DD was an Infant when these babies arrive.

RayRay007 · November 2014

LightBright515 said:
Thank you for the insight!

I guess I'm annoyed because he is exhausted by modifiable aspects of his life (grad school). He comes home after long days and complains that he's too tired as if I'm not exhausted myself! But because I'm not working right now, I don't count. But parenting doesn't stop cause you're tired...

I'm starting to resent him. But I think I'll make lists of things that need to be done...

Make sure you have a good talk with him. DH was ready to have kids before I was and so I agreed to go ahead and have kids, and then he ended up partying just as much as ever while I was stuck at home with a baby. I had totally given up my lifestyle because he wanted kids while his got to stay the same. we had some major major fights in DDs first year, to the point that I told him I resented him and having kids with him. I didn't mean that I resented our daughter, but that's how it came out. But it was true that I was feeling resentful. He was really hurt and it really damaged our relationship for a long time. Please talk to him before you get to that point.

colliebabe · November 2014

At that stage H did a lot of the cleaning and cooking. I was EBF with DD so I did the night feedings, but he did help out and rock her back to sleep a few times when she would just not go back down at 2 am or 3 am after I fed her. Unfortunately DD wanted to cluster feed in the evenings from 7 pm to 10pm-1am so I couldn't even get a chunk of sleep at the beginning of the night like I hear some moms do.

This time around I am imagining he'll do a lot more with DD (3) while I take care of the baby. Right now he actually has been doing her bedtime routine so he'll probably continue that, as well as the majority of cooking dinner (he is the better cook.)

SpaceGirlSpiff · November 2014

It was rough during the newborn stage... Both H and I were first timers and new to this, and he had a lot less patience than I did ...and DS was very fussy (maybe even colicky) for the first few months..it was a mess. I mean, he would try to soothe but with his short patience and frustration that he didn't really know what to do, it didn't really help. Majority of the work just had to fall on me... especially since I was BFing at first. There were definitely resentful moments.

H also has a job that he needs to be alert for (warehouse equipment, driving a big truck etc), so at night I let him get sleep. There were times where he helped, but majority of the time night wake ups were all on me...but I was generally OK with that. Sleep deprivation is hell, yes, but we got through it and I was blessed with a kid that didn't give us too much trouble with sleep after a few months....he would at least give a 5 hour stretch I would say maybe 3 months in, and then eventually STTN

As DS got older though, he definitely found his groove, and he's much better with the toddler and preschool age than with a newborn... he can handle him just fine now. Still has shorter patience than I do but... it's a work in progress. But things are much more evenly split now.

When this next one comes around... It'll probably just be easier if his focus is more on helping me manage our older DS vs. the newborn. That's where his skills are more useful, that's just the reality.... if he can step up more with him and I can focus more on the newborn we'll probably fare better.

monkeybutt61612 · November 2014

We formula fed from the beginning, so my husband and I worked in shifts at night. When he's home, everything is 50/50, they are his children too. He often takes care of the kids on weekends, so I can clean.

SpaceGirlSpiff · November 2014

Moral of the story:

Do not discuss anything in the middle of the night

Do not make any life altering decisions about your relationship during the first year

Tell yourself over and over again, this is temporary, you will get through it

Bythebeach09 · November 2014

I showed very little mercy for DH. Yeah, he worked all day, and so did I, taking care of a newborn. When he got home it was 50/50 right until we went to bed. And in the MOTN, we BOTH got up. He'd help make/warm a bottle and then help rock baby back to sleep, or just lay there while I did, but we both had to stay awake. We're all about fair when it comes to sleep deprivation and newborns. My PPD/PPA wouldn't have had it any other way.

vandelay · November 2014

You've gotten some great advice here, but I just wanted to reemphasize that it's so helpful to tell your SO exactly what you need him to do. In the beginning, I was nursing, pumping, plus washing all the pump parts and making bottles for daycare. One day it occurred to me that there was no reason why DH couldn't be in charge of pump part washing and bottle making, and I asked him to take over, which he did. But it had absolutely not occurred to him that he might help out with that until I asked him to do it.

Hugs, the first few months are hard on a marriage!

Rebis58 · November 2014

TyrannosaurusLex said:

*Snip* I still resent EBF a lot because I didn't understand the extent of the commitment I was making when I got into it. Had I known I think I'd feel less resentful, but yeah, I just didn't understand that I'd never get more than 2 hours to myself for a year. That's hard.

So true. I had no.clue. how difficult and draining EBF would be. Some evenings after DD is put to bed, H tries to hug me or snuggle up to me and I have to ask him to give me space because I just feel so overstimulated from having DD all over me all day. I'm actually amazed and so thankful for how understanding he is, because I think if the tables were turned and he turned me away like that I would be really hurt.

J+A10 · November 2014

My DD is 20 months. I have always been the one to take care of her more but DH did chip in when she was a newborn. He is a night owl so it's easier for him to stay up late. Each night after dinner from about 8:00- midnight I would go to bed and he would hold her and do his best to care of her ( usually while watching tv). He would have to wake me up during that time at least a couple of times to nurse. But at least I could catch up on a little sleep while I knew the baby was being cared for. We tried to get the baby to sleep from 12-4 straight (recommended by pediatrician). But I was on call during that time, he needed to sleep for work the next day. DH also did a little grocery shopping and laundry but not too much. He tried. Now, my daughter is a good sleeper and easy baby, I do the majority of parenting. Although he takes her for a few hours on Saturday when I work. He loves her so much and plays with her when he can but I do most of the work and I'm fine with that. If she were a difficult baby maybe it wouldn't be ok with me.

ridesbuttons · November 2014

Accept that you are going to be very, very tired for a while. Ask for specific help: can you hold the baby while I take a half hour bath, can you make and clean up dinner tonight, can you fold and put away the laundry. Tell him specifically that you need a nap and give him the baby.

I EBF both my kids, it is exhausting. I figured that it was better to have at least one parent relatively rested and alert so while it sucked at the time, I don't regret being the tired one. At least when I asked for help, DH was capable and available.

But mostly, don't fight the exhaustion or try and reason your way out of it. Accept it and it will, eventually, pass.

caladpi02 · November 2014

DH did bottle feeds for MOTN and I pumped. DD would take 45 min to an hour to nurse and we could get through a bottle in 15 min so that was easy. While I was on mat leave he did all diapers when he was home, laundry, groceries and all baths.
Having specific jobs helped.

outnumbered · November 2014

I do not have much to add, just empathy. Those newborn weeks/months are so hard. I remember laying in bed when my daughter was 10 weeks old and screaming "i HATE this". Then my husband started swearing under his breath. We were both exhausted and had a few moments of insanity.

As everybody already said tell him exactly what you need. On the 1st trimester board moms often complain because they think they should not have to ask for help. They get mad because their husbands 'should just know without being told'. Of course none of us are mind readers and we all need direction sometimes.

Good luck and rest if you can. It will get better.

ShamrockShimmy · November 2014

My daughter is 8 months and I think for us, going back to work was actually helpful (even though it added stress, it was a different stress). I work 12 hour night shifts though, so this forced my H to figure it out during motn without having me to step in. This was huge for him-he had pretty much no exposure to newborns prior to this so he was quick to hand her over if he couldn't soothe her right away. Now when I work weekends and he is alone with her except for a few hours, he gets how it difficult it can be during the week; and sometimes even has an easier time soothing her than me. I also ebf so when I'm home, nighttime cares fall to me for the reasons others mentioned. However, also like others said, there's other ways he can help. Sometimes they just need it spelled out for them though. I told my H I was feeling resentful and overwhelmed, and he was surprised and genuinely felt bad. He still isn't great at anticipating what I need all the time, but he makes an effort and happily helps when I ask.

Beevol · November 2014

I breastfed exclusively. For the first two weeks, DH was home and I may have changed two diapers because that was his thing. After he went back to work, he would take the first shift of the night (from 9pm-12 am or so) and let me get those 3 hours of uninterrupted sleep, then he would go to bed and I'd cover the next bit of night waking because I was still on maternity leave. That guaranteed at least one full sleep cycle at night which made a huge difference for me (DD would sleep pretty consistently from 6 am to 9 am so I got that too, plus any shorter naps throughout the day (sleep when the baby sleeps was my mantra)).

In terms of house work, I mostly kept up with the laundry and breastfed and that was it for the first 7-8 weeks or so. DH cooked dinner, did the dishes, and kept things picked up/vacuumed/swept/scrubbed. When DD had a routine that included 6-8 hours of sleep at night starting around then and I was still on maternity leave, so I picked up some of the slack at that point.

Now, I'd say we were pretty darn close to 50-50 in terms of household and parenting tasks, except I'm pregnant with DD#2 and he basically did everything for my first three months of hyperemesis and now, in the third tri, I'd say we're at a 30-60 split with housework/parenting tasks (except for gestating, which is all me and to hear talk he'd call it 60-30 because he sees how miserable I am and counts that). If he weren't willing/eager to pull his weight as a dad and home-keeper, I'd be miserable and probably hate being a mom.

The one bit of advice I ever give friends who are expecting is to talk through division of labor expectations as much as possible and check in about it often! At 5 weeks, your baby is a million times different from what she was at 2 weeks and from what she will be at 8 weeks. If your current division of labor isn't working, talk it out and change it.

LightBright515 · November 2014

I made a list.

Better days are closer than I imagined!

mrshis75 · November 2014

Talk to him and tell him how you feel.men are worthless sometimes and need a push. I constantly use to have to repeat myself.

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