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July 2013 Moms
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WWJ13D? sis & mom wedding drama

hollandmamahollandmama member
in July 2013 Moms
I will try to keep this short. I hadn't mentioned it because I actually wanted to ignore it but now I can't. As you know I live thousands of miles away from home and that keeps me away from drama too, which makes it easy to ignore but last night I talked with my sis and this came up and I cannot hold it, I am just sad and need some advice. My friends IRL are single and no-kids so their advice is not very fitting some times.

My sis (20) found out she is pregnant back in September when I was there for holidays, neither she nor her BF (21) have finished school, he has an internship job which pays very little and she doesn't work. You can imagine my parents' reaction, they weren't happy but they were ready to step-in and help them with what they can as they've been together for 4 years and they love each other... bla bla. My sister and her BF plan to live together as soon as the baby is born (or before if possible), his mom is going away from town permanently and offered to give them her apartment which sounds great. He will apply for better paid jobs, she will do some small jobs to keep afloat. They also said they didn't want to get married just yet. And here comes the drama: my mom started pushing for marriage like 2 weeks after the news. Why? I have no effing idea! I thought she was open minded, I was living with DH way before we got married and she never said anything against it.

I think it's because she is afraid of what people would think of her and my sister if they don't get married. I think she was fine with me doing it because I was living in another country and none of her family/friends/acquaintances would even know I was living a sinful life :P but because my sis lives with them I think she is worried about this shit. Seriously, I thought we were past those times in which parents would force their children to do stupid decisions just because of what Mrs. Robinson next door would think... (in the western world of course)

Anyhow, I let it go, thinking that my sis and her BF wouldn't surrender to the crazy... however, they did, my sis told me yesterday that he asked her to get married... I was not thrilled and I asked how it happened, and she said that he started by saying that my mom wanted it and that if my sis wanted it too then they should do it. I am not against express-marriage when a baby is coming, DH and I got married two months after we got the BFP, but I am against it when it's decided for the wrong reasons :( I think they could have decided this by themselves at the right moment, and now it's just ruined, it will never be as romantic as it should, they are 20 and they are rushing into something that they were sure there weren't ready for... why should they be ready now? nothing has changed!

So, I wanted to speak with my mom and tell her what I think, that she will talk my sis into reason and that she will 'eat her words' regarding their marriage so that they can feel free to not do it now... maybe that way they can, one day, decide for themselves. My dilemma is that I have a very good relationship with my mom and I don't want her to feel I'm out of line, or that it's none of my business... WWYD? My heart is breaking, I cannot see my sis getting married just because my mom wants it. I think marriage is hard to survive even when you decided it fully, now imagine how hard it would be if it's imposed!

TIA for reading this, I am coming to you because I know you are sincere and straight-forward, plus many of you may have passed through something similar...



TLDR; my sis (20) is pregnant and my mom persuaded her to get married, so now it's decided but I think it's not sincere. I don't know if I should interfere in their lives but it's breaking my heart that the decision was imposed rather than decided.
Daisypath Anniversary tickers     Lilypie Second Birthday tickers
Surprise BFP on 11/02/12 EDD 07/06/13 --> Express wedding on 12/29/2012 --> G was born on 07/15/13
*Multicultural family raising a multilingual toddler: Spanish, Italian, Dutch and English


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Re: WWJ13D? sis & mom wedding drama

  • Clyde013Clyde013 member
    I hope your sister and her bf are doing what they believe is best for their relationship and child. It's hard to say but do you really know your sister isn't ready for marriage? I mean they will be living together and caring for a baby. Imo those are the hard parts not having a marriage certificate. Since they both sound committed I don't see the big deal, and I also assume they wouldn't be pushed into it if they weren't leaning that way anyway.

    Either way congrats, auntie!

    >:D<
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  • hollandmamahollandmama member
    @Clyde013 I think they are both ready, I also think what you say that living together and caring for the LO are harder than having the certificate, it's just that I wouldn't want them to regret getting married because my mom was pushing... it's a matter of pride I guess...

    @econmama @Stina2012 I know I should stay out of it, I am supporting my sis as much as I can, I just feel like they were pushed... DH also says I should stay out of it... it's so tempting to say what I think but on the other hand I don't want to hurt anybody and they 'seem' to be all right, maybe I am just overreacting and things will work out with time...
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers     Lilypie Second Birthday tickers
    Surprise BFP on 11/02/12 EDD 07/06/13 --> Express wedding on 12/29/2012 --> G was born on 07/15/13
    *Multicultural family raising a multilingual toddler: Spanish, Italian, Dutch and English


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  • hollandmamahollandmama member
    Sorry, I forgot to mention that both my sis and her bf are super happy, they spend a lot of time together, he takes super good care of her (cooks for her, checks on her vitamin intake, etc.), they are over the moon despite of the economic problems they may be facing soon... so the situation is not bad, it's just the marriage part that makes me a bit itchy... 

    @maryannespier my sis swears the decision wasn't imposed or anything, I find it hard to believe because they were both against it a month ago, and now they are doing it? but well, a pregnancy can change everything, maybe first they were scared and now they just want to actually form a family together. 
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers     Lilypie Second Birthday tickers
    Surprise BFP on 11/02/12 EDD 07/06/13 --> Express wedding on 12/29/2012 --> G was born on 07/15/13
    *Multicultural family raising a multilingual toddler: Spanish, Italian, Dutch and English


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  • MRadsMRads member
    Ditto PP. It's hard to stay out of their business, but just support your sister. And like you said, pregnancy can change a lot of things. At least in the states, there are a number of legal reasons that being married to the father of your child makes things easier for all three of you. Maybe they were thinking through everything and decided that it was silly to wait, when they know they'll end up together eventually anyway.

    Also, I know you feel like it isn't romantic, but I feel like a lot of people look back of their dating and marriage stories that were rushed due to circumstances outside their control, and they remember those times fondly and with love. I hope that is the same with your sister.
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    Baby boy 7.10.13
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  • martyn17martyn17 member
    Stina2012 said:
    I'd express to my Mom that I was annoyed with her badgering about getting married. I'd express to my sister that I loved her and want her to make decisions for her life herself. Then I'd stay out of it. ETA: You all know my brothers situation. The above is how I've handled that situation. I would love to reach out to Baby Mama but my brother has asked me not to reach out. It's his business first and my business like four times removed so I am respecting his wishes even though I don't agree.
    This.  Mostly just let your sister know she can count on your support no matter what and she should do whatever she thinks is best.  
    K & M married 10.8.2011 *** BFP 7.17.2012, EDD 3.21.2013, Miscarriage at 6 wks 3 days *** BFP #2 11.7.2012, beautiful Tess born 7.11.2013
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  • rondokyerondokye member
    Like PPs have said, I really hope that your sister and her BF are getting married because they want to get married, not because the families want them too.

    I had something similar happen in my family.  My brother and now-SIL went to high school together and started dating when they were about 21-22 years old.  Within two months of starting to date, my SIL got pregnant.  My parents, especially my mom, were livid.  Of course, my parents wanted them to get married right away.  And my mom wanted me to back her up and to tell my brother that he needed to do so.  I told her no.  It wasn't easy, but I felt that I had to.  I told her that getting married so young and for the wrong reasons would be setting them up for a divorce.  And that they were doing the smart thing.  She didn't talk to me for a few months.

    It hasn't been easy, but they are now married.  They waited until my niece was almost five years old.  I think that its made them a stronger couple because of it.
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    I'd probably just stay out of it. I might mention something in passing to your mom about it but I wouldn't actually have a conversation about it.

    Like you said, pregnancy changes a lot of things and maybe something clicked and they're just as ready as your mom is for them to get married ;)

    I hope whatever they choose is the best decision for them.
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  • hollandmamahollandmama member
    Thanks ladies, at least now I have peace of mind. I did tell my sis I will support her no matter what the end decision is. I am quite happy for them and ready to help :)

    I think I won't bring up a serious conversation about it with mom but most probably I will mention something to let her know that I think she is pushing too much. I think if they are taking responsibility for their actions already, it's good to let them do instead of trying to micro-manage every step. Unless you actually see something wrong, I think it's now their life and their decisions as a couple and soon to be parents.

    @rondokye I'm glad your brother and SIL worked things out and are together. I just pray that my sis will have the same luck. 

    I think they're a good couple but I am afraid their age may make them a bit temperamental. 

    Don't take me wrong, I believe that 20 years old is not too young for having children, my grandma did it at that age and she was an excellent mom and wife... however, my sis is quite irresponsible, she has never been organized, clean, she doesn't keep appointments, she loses her mobile every few months, etc... she is still a bit of a teenager, or she was a couple of months ago... I do hope she will change soon because the first year after baby is a survival phase, and if you can't be responsible for yourself, how can you be for another little person and a house?
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers     Lilypie Second Birthday tickers
    Surprise BFP on 11/02/12 EDD 07/06/13 --> Express wedding on 12/29/2012 --> G was born on 07/15/13
    *Multicultural family raising a multilingual toddler: Spanish, Italian, Dutch and English


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  • KikiCohenKikiCohen member
    I think it's only normal for you to be concerned.  I would be too.  I agree with everyone else though, it really isn't your place to say something.   It's silly that your mom is pushing for them to be married and I do think it will probably cause problems down the road.

    That being said, a few years ago, my niece got pregnant at 18 to her BF (20).  She was a lot like your sister, from your descriptions.  She had never lived on her own or quite frankly had anything major to be responsible for (other than school).  After she got pregnant, she started working part time and they got engaged.  Most of the people in the family didn't think it was a good idea and figured they either wouldn't get married or would be split up soon after.  They got married when my great niece was around 7 months old.  FF to today, over 4 years later.  They are very happily married with my 4 yo great niece and another baby on the way.  She finished college with honors and has a great job.  Her husband also has a very good job and they recently bought a house.  I think a lot of us fully expected her to be living at home, a single mom, and my SIL basically raising my great niece.  Absolutely not the case.  I am so proud of where they are in life!  So you never know what might happen!
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  • hollandmamahollandmama member
    @KikiCohen  :) 
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers     Lilypie Second Birthday tickers
    Surprise BFP on 11/02/12 EDD 07/06/13 --> Express wedding on 12/29/2012 --> G was born on 07/15/13
    *Multicultural family raising a multilingual toddler: Spanish, Italian, Dutch and English


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