Grandparent drama over visiting after baby is born. Help!

MrsExton122912 · November 2014

MrsExton122912 · November 2014

marriedinaugust · November 2014

To each his own but I cannot imagine anyone not meeting my baby for 6 months and not having help with a newborn. We recently moved away from family and my MIL is coming a week before my due date and will be here for a week and a half after. My SIL will be here for a few days during that and then when they leave my mom and little sister are coming for a week. This is my second so they will be helping out even more with DS who is 4.5. (We live in a 2br apt so the grandmas will sleep with DS and the sisters will sleep on the couch.) We lived near my in laws and with my SIL when DS was born and I can't imagine not having them there to help out. To run the dishwasher, bring me food, hang out with him when I needed more rest or a shower. We are big into "it takes a village" but I understand some people are not. Good luck!

Unknown · November 2014

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AlwaysForgetful · November 2014

I can understand not staying with you, but not the no visiting at all. Let the grandparents come, but they need to get a hotel. You can always ask them to leave or something if it is just to much.

I am known for not wanting visitors in the hospital or when I get home (I am one of those). As to the others asking about you and not having help, umm, she can manage one child on her own. I managed 5 after a Csection. My house may get messy and I have learned how to handle things better, but it isn't the end of the world. We are talking 3 people and I will assume her husband is not disabled and will be able to help out some.

That being said, even with my dislike of people, I do not tell people no visiting. I make it clear that in the hospital it needs to not be these long visits. Also when we come home, I am NOT entertaining them. Do not expect to hold the baby non stop. Yes, if you are not ill I will let you hold baby, but I feed the baby where I want. If you don't want to see my breast in my house, then YOU leave the room. And I no longer filter my opinion when they fail to filter theirs.

Edited in to also point out that I no longer accept drop ins. You need to call me before you stop by. There is no just showing up

Yes, I am that cranky.

MrsExton122912 · November 2014

I probably should've clarified that POSITIVE is the operative word. You know, like suggestions that will help me? There's a lot more that goes into this that I didn't put in here because I didn't want to ramble on too much. I'm looking for truly helpful advice, not for even more people to tell me how wrong I am.

racheldiaries · November 2014

DH is military as well and will be out at sea most of the year starting in February and I'm due December 7th so I can understand wanting "family" time. However, there needs to be a balance. I couldn't imagine making our families wait 6 months though to see our little one. Everyone is already well-aware that our one-bedroom will not accommodate house guests but they are more than welcomed to come visit and stay in a hotel. I think you're over-thinking how invasive your family members will be. DH works very long hours as I'm assuming yours does as well and company during the day with me being a FTM is much appreciated especially with those I'm closest too that I rarely ever get to see. Set boundaries with guests and I think you'll find it well-worth it that they came earlier than later.

Unknown · November 2014

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Angeldcf · November 2014

Wanting "family time" a few hours after birth or heck, even a few days = fine.
Refusing to allow grandparents to see the grandchild for 6 months = controlling, rude, cruel, abnormal.

You're ok with strangers seeing your kiddo at Target, around base, pedi office, etc, but heaven forbid the grandparents (who are wanting to be involved in the child's life) stay at a hotel and spend a few hours with you & baby?!

That is NOT normal.

Disneygeek77 · November 2014

Wow. I'm all for new moms doing what is best for them postpartum but that is a bit ridiculous.

Could you have some sort of compromise ? Have them stay at a hotel, come at certain times of the day, or even tell your mom that if she says anything rude to you, you will ask her to leave ?

llambrose · November 2014

I think the only helpful advice that anyone can give you is to rethink what you are doing. Trust me, there is a big difference between having company there in the days after the birth and having your mom there. You will need and want help and the best place to get it is your mom. I think it is easy for people to romanticize this "family alone time" before you have had a baby but there is really nothing about it that will be like that. You will be sore, exhausted, tense and overwhelmed. You don't just have the baby and come home and sit around with your husband and stare at them. You have tons of adjusting to do and having someone there who is a little removed from the situation, like your mom, is priceless. Her wanting to be there is not about her not seeing you as an adult, as a mom of a little girl I look forward to the day that I can go to help her with her own babies like my mom did for me. I would be devastated if she didn't want me to do that. Your expectations seem unrealistic and rather unreasonable. No one is trying to be mean to you by disagreeing with you but it seems like maybe you are trying to punish your mom for issues surrounding your marriage and your perception that she treats you like a child. I would urge you to reconsider your stance.

FemShep · November 2014

OP, as a mom of two, I don't think you understand how long 6 months is in the life of a baby. Your LO will have gone through so many different stages at that point. It seems so cruel to deny your family the chance to meet LO because of an arbitrary number. I have a sometimes-difficult relationship with my MIL, but one of my favorite pictures is MIL holding my sleeping 6wo baby. There's another great one of 3mo LO giving my FIL a huge smile. Please don't deny your family those moments.

I also wanted some family alone time, but 6 days was much better for us than 6 months. I hope you'll reconsider; I agree with PPs that if one of my daughters told me I couldn't visit, even if I stayed in a hotel, for six months, I would be devastated.

Also, your math is off: 8 weeks plus 8 weeks is 16 weeks, or about 3 1/2 months.

poofwok · November 2014

You're being selfish and acting childish.

If anything, I couldn't wait for my parents to meet their grandson. It was a really beautiful moment. Even after meeting him, I wouldn't let 6 months go by without them seeing him (unless that was their choice). You're being outrageous!

ashiscute · November 2014

OP I just want to say I think you will come to regret this decision. If you want to do the best thing for your family then invite your mother to visit.

Unknown · November 2014

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darkangel42 · November 2014

Almost everyone has said that you are making a poor choice so it's probably worth having a second look at the situation to see if there is a compromise somewhere in there. Your family are not going to expect you to entertain them, they're going to expect to see you exhausted and spend time with the new grandbaby because that's how it usually works. If they're offering help, take it, looking after a newborn is a huge adjustment that pretty much no-one is prepared for.

And it is pretty cruel to deny your family any access to your firstborn for half of it's first year of life.

[Deleted User] · November 2014

I am particularly not wanting my partners dad to visit our baby or be in her life. He is having a baby a month after me which will make it my partners little sibling and it weirds me out just a bit. Hes a fake man, always asks for money. Lies. And beat up my partner all throughout his childhood n teen years. I hate this man but my partner has forgiven him because he has such a huge heart. My problem is his dads other kids. Both under 5 spoilt and break things in our home, the parents do and say nothing but sit on our wifi going through our cupboards earing what little food we had. Waiting ti be cooked for..The list goes on.. i had a really hard time dealing with it during my pregnancy and the fact that they live 4hrs away now would mean they would hang around n possibly stay even longer. With a NB & a budget.. i really dont want another whole entire family that i really dont like around me eating all our food and touching my babys things. I think u have a right as a parent to shut out the people that dont do you or your family any good.

[Deleted User] · November 2014

Yeah the thing is its not my dad its his and he doesnt understand how much i have no heart or willingness to wanna be around his dads new family. His half sister brother and new baby to be i couldnt careless theyve shown us no appreciation for all weve done for them i wanna just cut all ties.

6months to rob your mum of getting to meet her grandchild is a little cruel however. Of corse its totally up to you but if your potential daughter had a child one day would your wishes not be to admire your daughter and her journey. My mum will definetly be at my birth if she stresses me out im kicking her out lol

[Deleted User] · November 2014

Yes im on the same page . I just smile nod and dont say much. Most of the time i go to bed and tell my partner to say im asleep. I also have never visited them at their home and never will. But this isn't my dad its my partners and hes too good hearted to not give his dad a chance with his first grandchild (..my Daughter) and im wondering if i should just cut them off and let them all hate me. I really dont care id rather have it that way. Or just let my partner keep our babys relationship up with his side and ill always never be around. My blood boils when they visit us. Im happy theyve moved 4hrs away. Hallelujah

Beevol · November 2014

spawlowski12 From your post and responses, I am going to make a few assumptions that may be entirely off base. Basically, to me it sounds like you and your mom have a really hard time setting healthy boundaries with each other and that ends up stressing you both out (which only makes things worse). It sounds like your solution has been to set the only boundaries you know that you can maintain which are, as many of the commenters here have pointed out, a bit over board.

If that's on track, then I know a little about how you must feel. My maternal family has a lot of problems with healthy boundaries too and in order to keep my sanity I've had to set and hold strong on some boundaries that to people used to healthier relationships seem bizarre and/or rude. To me, a big part of being an adult has been learning to set and maintain healthy boundaries and it takes a lot of hit and miss when you weren't raised that way to begin with.

For me, a less stressful way of handling this situation would be something like this. Avoid all big FEELINGS conversations with anyone in your maternal family. It sounds like your mom learned her lack of boundaries from Grandma if she's the one stirring the pot by telling you what your mom said. If anyone brings it up, hedge. Say "we will not be able to entertain guests while we live in Texas." Leave it vague then change the subject if you think it's going to start a fight.

Tell your mom that you would love for her to be able to meet her grandbaby but that she will have to come on your schedule and stay in a hotel. Be honest with her and say that you are not sure when you will be comfortable having her visit, but it'll definitely be AFTER January and be dependent on when the baby is actually born (remember, it's a due month, not a due day - Dec. 26th babies can wait as long as Jan. 9th to make their debut). Those first two weeks are sacred and there is nothing I can tell you as a STM that will prepare you for how you're going to feel and what it's going to be like, but I can say that they wont be normal by any stretch of the imagination and that you will need a lot of support that is very low stress. For me, just DH was perfect but some women prefer to have other family/friends around (this would have stressed me out to no end though, YMMV).

If she gives you crap about wanting to buy a plane ticket now, tell her that you're sorry, stay firm, and then end the conversation. When the baby is born make sure you call her and any other close family before you post details to Facebook/anywhere else - a big part of healthy boundaries is respecting other people and it would be pretty horrible to find out about your own grandbaby from your neighbor or whatever. After the baby is born, give yourself a week or two and then let your mom know when she can visit. You may be surprised and be ready for a visit by 4 weeks, you never know.

When your mom or anyone else visits, set rules ahead of time. Let folks know that they cannot sleep over. Let people know that visits must be time limited and that they may not drop by unannounced. I have turned people away at my door when they just showed up and empower you to do the same. When they come for a visit, put them to work; they can hold the baby while you shower, do your dishes, or help sort laundry. If the baby is nursing or sleeping, visitors DO NOT get to hold her/wake her up, too bad for them.

If someone wants to do something that you don't like, just say no and refuse to engage further. You will have plenty of time to have big in depth conversations when you move back to your home area. For now, just do what you got to do to maintain your chill.

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Grandparent drama over visiting after baby is born. Help!

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