Drowning

singingsea · November 2014

Why isn't there a board for mothers with depression besides PPD? My kid is almost two so I don't really fit in there and I've been sick for a long long time. So I'm posting here because I feel more comfortable and I don't feel like telling people offline.

There's not just one thing that's triggering it. More like everything kinda piling on top of each other. Out of the next four weeks DH will be gone for three of them. I'm getting psychically sick. F'n head cold. I've got $40 in my bank account to last me a week. I hate my job. I sell parts for highway construction equipment so I deal with men being douche bags to me all day long because I own a vagina. I had a rough drop off with Kieran this morning. Crying, begging for me to stay. I cried the whole way to work. I think he's acting out more because of his dad being gone.

I just feel numb. Like I'm running on E. Psychically and mentally exhausted. I know this seems like peanuts to some but if you're running low on dopamine and serotonin all this shit is overwhelming. I'd get on medication if we weren't TTC. I hate the way antidepressants make me feel let alone force my unborn child to ingest it.

If you read all this you get a cookie. I really needed to vent this before I explode on some poor soul.

StephPeth · November 2014

we are here for you!

singingsea · November 2014

Thank you. You don't know how much I appreciate it.

What makes it worse and makes me feel horrible is I've been snapping at my son. Like he wasn't using the potty fast enough this morning and I yelled at him and caused his lip to tremble.

I feel fucking awful and there's no excuse to take it out on him.

pebbleann · November 2014

I give you kudos for taking care of everything when DH is gone. I know that I couldn't do it. Hell...I start bitchin' when DH gets home late. Have you told DH how you feel? Do you have family close by that could give you a much needed break?

Vent away..we're all here for you!

ericalee27 · November 2014

Hugs to you!!

singingsea · November 2014

pebbleann said:

Have you told DH how you feel? Do you have family close by that could give you a much needed break?
Vent away..we're all here for you!

Thank you. I have told DH but there's literally nothing he can do about it so to constantly complain to him would be unfair. The constant traveling will end hopefully by the new year. At least that's what he's been told. I'm close to making a voodoo doll of his boss.

My mom and dad live down the road and my MIL is in town. They have helped out a few days but I'd hate to take advantage of them too much. I don't want to seem weak like I can't handle it if that makes any sense? I don't like to broadcast how much I'm struggling. I wear a very good mask.

kleigh926 · November 2014

I'm sorry you're having a rough time. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate and it would probably be hard for most people to balance all that. It would be extremely difficult for me. Have you talked to your doctor about any of this? I know you said you hate how antidepressants make you feel, but maybe there's something you haven't tried that could work.

I understand what you mean about not wanting people to know your struggles... I've felt that way before too. If you think anyone in your family would be receptive to you, I would suggest that you just let them know you're struggling a bit. Maybe not all the details, but enough so that they can support and encourage you. And of course we're here to listen and encourage too! I hope things start looking up soon!

fignewt74 · November 2014

singingsea said:

pebbleann said:

Have you told DH how you feel? Do you have family close by that could give you a much needed break?
Vent away..we're all here for you!

Thank you. I have told DH but there's literally nothing he can do about it so to constantly complain to him would be unfair. The constant traveling will end hopefully by the new year. At least that's what he's been told. I'm close to making a voodoo doll of his boss.

My mom and dad live down the road and my MIL is in town. They have helped out a few days but I'd hate to take advantage of them too much. I don't want to seem weak like I can't handle it if that makes any sense? I don't like to broadcast how much I'm struggling. I wear a very good mask.

It makes total sense, yes! I still think they can help without you having to tell them anything. How about inviting your mom and dad over for lunch? Or ask them to accompany you guys to the playground? Or tell them DS has been asking for them, he would love to have some special grandparent time (ie. without you there!) Or just tell them you have a massage/haircut/doctors appointment and was wondering if they could babysit?

singingsea · November 2014

kleigh926 said:

I'm sorry you're having a rough time. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate and it would probably be hard for most people to balance all that. It would be extremely difficult for me. Have you talked to your doctor about any of this? I know you said you hate how antidepressants make you feel, but maybe there's something you haven't tried that could work.

I understand what you mean about not wanting people to know your struggles... I've felt that way before too. If you think anyone in your family would be receptive to you, I would suggest that you just let them know you're struggling a bit. Maybe not all the details, but enough so that they can support and encourage you. And of course we're here to listen and encourage too! I hope things start looking up soon!

Thank you. I'm considering talking to a psychologist. Once I have money again. Therapy has helped in the past. I need to brush up on my coping skills.

There's two people I feel comfortable talking openly to about this. My DH and my one friend who also suffers. I'm actually going to her house tonight but there will be other guests so it's not really the venue to air this type of stuff.

singingsea · November 2014

fignewt74 said:

singingsea said:

pebbleann said:

Have you told DH how you feel? Do you have family close by that could give you a much needed break?
Vent away..we're all here for you!

Thank you. I have told DH but there's literally nothing he can do about it so to constantly complain to him would be unfair. The constant traveling will end hopefully by the new year. At least that's what he's been told. I'm close to making a voodoo doll of his boss.

My mom and dad live down the road and my MIL is in town. They have helped out a few days but I'd hate to take advantage of them too much. I don't want to seem weak like I can't handle it if that makes any sense? I don't like to broadcast how much I'm struggling. I wear a very good mask.

It makes total sense, yes! I still think they can help without you having to tell them anything. How about inviting your mom and dad over for lunch? Or ask them to accompany you guys to the playground? Or tell them DS has been asking for them, he would love to have some special grandparent time (ie. without you there!) Or just tell them you have a massage/haircut/doctors appointment and was wondering if they could babysit?

I think I'm going to come up with a fake doctors appointment soon (or a real one depending on how quickly I spiral downward). I think getting more sleep would help. I sleep like shit while DH is away. A 2-3 hour nap sounds sexy right now.

pebbleann · November 2014

Does your DH help when he's home to kind of give you some time to yourself? I understand you not wanting to let people know how much your struggling but you need to take care of yourself. I like the idea of a "fake" appt or just ask relatives to babysit so you can grocery shop or decompress once a week. I'm sure that your parents and MIL wouldn't feel like they are being taken advantage of.

singingsea · November 2014

pebbleann said:

Does your DH help when he's home to kind of give you some time to yourself?

DH is exceptional when he's home. We evenly share chores, obligations and take care of DS. If I ask him to give me a evening off he does. Maybe I'm spoiled and all the traveling he's been doing since September is a reality check. I have it pretty good.

singingsea · November 2014

luxannie said:

I'm so sorry. I think, money be damned, that you need to get into some therapy.

I agree. It's been long overdue. DH has been telling me I need help for a year now. I've just been in denial and putting it off.

singingsea · November 2014

Thank you all for your kind words and support.

Puck1182 · November 2014

I'm so sorry you're going through that. :-(

If money is a concern for therapy, does your employer have an employee assistance program of some sort? When my (at that point undiagnosed) OCD got really bad, I used an employee assistance program to meet with a therapist. First two appointments were free and the rest were only $15.

Tulips114 · November 2014

((hugs))

kelly321 · November 2014

Vent, please. We will listen. Also, don't beat yourself up too much about snapping at your DS. We all do it. Well, at least I know I do and feel horrible for like weeks afterward even though the DDs seem to forget it 10 seconds later.

singingsea · November 2014

Puck1182 said:

I'm so sorry you're going through that. :-( If money is a concern for therapy, does your employer have an employee assistance program of some sort? When my (at that point undiagnosed) OCD got really bad, I used an employee assistance program to meet with a therapist. First two appointments were free and the rest were only $15.

I have insurance but we're a very small company. Like under 50 people. I guess I could bum some $ from my parents but honestly that would make me feel worse. I get paid in one week. I'll make it till then.

singingsea · November 2014

kelly321 said:

Vent, please. We will listen. Also, don't beat yourself up too much about snapping at your DS. We all do it. Well, at least I know I do and feel horrible for like weeks afterward even though the DDs seem to forget it 10 seconds later.

Thank you. Yeah he forgot as soon as he saw breakfast. Thank god they don't remember much of the early years. Yeeesh I've screwed up a ton.

Puck1182 · November 2014

singingsea said:

Puck1182 said:

I'm so sorry you're going through that. :-(

If money is a concern for therapy, does your employer have an employee assistance program of some sort? When my (at that point undiagnosed) OCD got really bad, I used an employee assistance program to meet with a therapist. First two appointments were free and the rest were only $15.

I have insurance but we're a very small company. Like under 50 people. I guess I could bum some $ from my parents but honestly that would make me feel worse. I get paid in one week. I'll make it till then.

That's good. I was worried you were going to have to put it off for months or something like that. You can make it a week and we're all here to cheer you on!

colinsfebmommy · November 2014

*hugs*

cinnasugar · November 2014

singingsea said:

Thank you. You don't know how much I appreciate it.

What makes it worse and makes me feel horrible is I've been snapping at my son. Like he wasn't using the potty fast enough this morning and I yelled at him and caused his lip to tremble.

I feel fucking awful and there's no excuse to take it out on him.

Don't stress about this. We all do it at some point, and truth be told, our kids find out at some point that we aren't perfect. Apologize to your son (he may not understand yet, but we should all get in the habit), let him know mommy made a mistake, and move on.

Get the help you need (with DS or professionally) and hopefully you'll be able to feel better soon.

singingsea · November 2014

And I just had a nice heated conversation with DH. This day is going swell.

I see a beer in my future

Gftf7 · November 2014

Hugs to you Mama.

Poppy523 · November 2014

We definitely need a wine night! I'm sorry you are dealing with so much, hugs mama

singingsea · November 2014

Poppy523 said:

We definitely need a wine night! I'm sorry you are dealing with so much, hugs mama

Sorry it's a gif heavy day

mishka29 · November 2014

I'm sorry you are having a hard time! Hugs!

eriannc22 · November 2014

I'm really sorry. I truly get where you are coming from. Parenting has taken me to some dark places. Just know you are not alone. I hope things get better for you soon.

wifeofadam · November 2014

Sorry you're going through this. (((hugs)))

SidraJedi · November 2014

I'm sorry to hear this. I totally understand about feeling overwhelmed when your DH is gone. Sometimes mine can put in long hours and when he comes home after DD is asleep I am usually a little shell shocked. I also hate feeling helpless but sometimes it just happens and I have to tell myself that it's normal.

I've arranged (for almost a year now) for DH's aunt to come by once a week and play with DD while I cook or clean or do a project uninterrupted and it has been a life saver. DH and I were talking to her last thanksgiving about how we just have a hard time getting anything done sometimes and she offered. She doesn't always make it over every week with work and all but there's no pressure so it works out for all of us. Maybe you could find some arrangement that works with a family member like the one we have? I didn't have to bare all to talk about how I needed help and my aunt doesn't feel put upon because she can back out anytime and she wants to see her niece anyway. Something to think about?

I really hope you find something that works for you!

lc&jw · November 2014

Vent away. It helps to talk about it and we're happy to offer some support.

If money is getting in the way of seeing a therapist, you might want to see if you can find a community clinic with a sliding scale. Many universities that have graduate programs in psychology also have community psychological clinics where you can be seen at very low cost.

It seems like you're expecting a lot from yourself and aren't asking for much help. When DH is away and I have the kids on my own I do anything I can to make life more manageable for that period of time. I forget about my usual standards, and as a rule, I generally don't cook, we eat off paper plates, I clean only what I feel up to doing, and just focus on getting by and maintaining my sanity.

I agree with pp's who have suggested inviting your family over. They might be there just for company (it's important not to isolate when you're feeling depressed, even though that may be what you're wanting to do), or they can be an extra set of hands or give you a break.

We all have our limits and parenting is hard. I certainly have moments I'm not proud of. But it doesn't help to beat ourselves up or dwell on the bad moments. We're human. Fortunately kids move on quickly and don't hold us to nearly the expectations to which we often hold ourselves.

Hang in there and take one day at a time. One hour at a time if need be. Hugs!

singingsea · November 2014

lc&jw said:

I forget about my usual standards, and as a rule, I generally don't cook, we eat off paper plates, I clean only what I feel up to doing, and just focus on getting by and maintaining my sanity.

I've definitely lowered my standards lol. The house is a mess and our last three dinner have been pizza, take out chinese and mac n' cheese. I can't wait to eat real food again

singingsea · November 2014

Thank you guys for all the support. Last night DS and I went to my friend's place (she just bought a new house) and my other friend brought her kids over. Her DS who's 3 and DD who's 2 months. The boys played hard and wore each other out so bedtime was pretty easy.

DH comes home today for the weekend so hopefully I can rest up a bit before he leaves again.

singingsea · November 2014

DC2London said:
One thing my therapist recommended that I have found incredibly helpful is The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook. It helped me to find language to describe what I was feeling and provided me with exercises to cope. If therapy isn't feasible right now, the book is less than $20 on Amazon and could maybe be a stop-gap until you have the time and resources to see a psychologist.

Thanks I'll check that out

DC2London said:

And whose to say we can't take over the PPA/PPD board? I see no reason that board has to only apply to new parents. Maybe someone could start a check-in over there for parents of older children. Post on the toddler, preschool, SAHM, WM, Parenting, etc boards that older parents experiencing anxiety and depression are welcome to come kibitz over on the PPA/PPD board and you might be surprised by the response

That would be the bee's knees. Unfortunately I don't post regularly enough to organize such a thing. I'd hate to start something that I couldn't finish or maintain. That would be a bit douchey of me

Hopefully a reg on the bump will start something one day. I'd definitely contribute. I think I might start posting over there though and letting folks know that there are parents of older children suffer too.

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