WWYD - DH gym addict

SomersIsles · November 2014

I've mentioned this way back but it's starting to bother me again. DH goes to the gym every Saturday morning 8:00 to 12:00. Every Tuesday evening 5:30-8:30 and every Thursday evening 5:30-8:30. Then 2 other times a week he goes running for about an hour (plus stretches and showers which makes it more like a 1.5 hour ordeal).

That's a lot of time to leave me home with the baby. Right? Am I overreacting?

I said that if he wants to maintain that lifestyle then on Saturday/Sunday it seems only fair that he is completely in charge for most of the time.

It's getting to the point where I feel like I need to log hours (last week with the gym and jogging it equaled 13 hours) just so I don't get the short end of the stick week in and week out.

I've even said that maybe I should just be going out 3x a week and leaving him with Robert each time.

If it were you, what would you do??

jrw526 · November 2014

I'd call him out and pass over the baby and take some me time.

alfriedeck · November 2014

I would be happy if my DH would just get off the couch and exercise for once, he just likes to tell me what I should and should not be eating when I exercise 3X a week

MeggsM · November 2014

I'd call him out. We're trying to carve out some me time for both of us. One night during the week and one afternoon or morning on the weekend. Honestly you probably won't get as much time to yourself as he does (seems to be the way it goes) but 13 hrs a week plus working seems a bit much. Maybe sign him up for physical activity with LO? My DH does swimming lessons on Saturday mornings.

katka512 · November 2014

That's a lot of time and I'd absolutely be frustrated if I were you. My DH also works out and it's very important to him but he doesn't take that much time. We worked it out so that he exercises after LO goes to sleep. On weekends, he goes to the gym as soon as LO goes down for her first nap. It had worked very well for us.

fish8412 · November 2014

Omg 4 hours at the gym at once?! That's crazy. You should talk to your husband and you are not overreacting at all. In my opinion when both parents are not working it needs to be 50/50.

babylimas · November 2014

I have mentioned it before, but my H works out obscene hours. At peak training he was gone every morning starting at 5:30 am, and home 8:30/9. He worked out both before and after work every day. Then he did up to 7 hour workouts Saturdays. Sundays off. It is overwhelming. I was very insistent that I get time as well. If something came up for me, he had to reschedule or skip his workout. I made very clear that though I am 100% supportive of his races and will make sacrifices for it, in the end, my working out is just as important. It's very difficult but you have to be part of the decision making process. It's not fair for him to unilaterally decided to be gone that often. That's how we handle it.

babylimas · November 2014

Does the gym have childcare? We use ours to the max. If so, maybe he can take along?

lindsey1031 · November 2014

I say he needs to limit his gym/jogging time to 1 hour and then the stretching/showering, so maybe 1.5 - 1.75 hours each time he exercises. This is fair because everyone has to make compromises when there's a baby around. It's temporary. In a few months/years, Robert will be more independent. Is there childcare at the gym? I would ask my H to take the baby at least twice a week for an hour while he works out (because he's only going for an hour rather than 3!) as part of the compromise.

laurenann89 · November 2014

I don't have anything to add. These ladies have given good advice!

katka512 · November 2014

Another thought - can he do any of his workouts at home? Then he can still be available if you need help. Or if you have a pack n play, LO can play in it for a bit while your DH works out next to him. We've done this before and LO is generally content for at least 30 minutes since she can see and interact with DH. That would give you a bit of a break, at least.

babylimas · November 2014

jsmath said:
@babylimas the struggle is real when you marry an ironman (or 1/2 in my case).

Right? He's decided he wants to take up ultras now. Noooooooo!!

What races are you guys doing this year?

Eta: @jsmath - YGPM

babylimas · November 2014

Come do St Croix!!!

SomersIsles · November 2014

Unfortunately there is no daycare at the gym. He boxes so it's more like training than general workouts which is why the times are so specific. He knows how I feel, he just thinks I'm overreacting/being foolish. He doesn't agree that a good compromise would be for him to take charge on certain days so I can relax. He actually thinks it makes more sense for me to make plans each night instead of just relax at home. Honestly, I'd use the "free time" to catch up on laundry, fold diapers, dishes, etc.

I definitely need to figure something out

babylimas · November 2014

I understand about that end of it. My H and I have argued many times that of i want to sit at home to relax that's no different than if he wants to run to relax. His is not superior to mine. My husband has never gotten it. Sorry.

Natty13umppo · November 2014

Do you mean it's those times because it's like classes or something? Can he move the time around? Maybe start earlier on Saturday so there's less awake time for you and the baby and start later on Tu/Th (preferably after the baby is asleep)?

DH and I have been doing our workouts in the morning. We take turns -- I do Tu/Th, he's M/W/F. It means getting up at like 5:15 which suuuuuuucks (for me....I have never ever been a morning person) but it's nice that (usually) the kids are asleep during that time and who ever is not working out is either asleep or having some alone time at the house. On days when I go in the evening, I go after the baby is asleep. Or if I go on the weekend, I try to go over nap.

Or, soon, he should be able to maybe take the baby with him when he goes running. I forget what the age they recommend for the jogging stroller.

But I definitely think you need to find some sort of balance for both of you.

lindsey1031 · November 2014

@somerisles, maybe I'm not a very nice person to my DH, but when he doesn't get it, I show him. For example, he was refusing to watch the baby a few months ago while I made dinner. Result? I quit making dinner and just left the house. I told him I absolutely HAD to go run a particular errand right then and asked him to do dinner and I left. When I got home, nothing was done of course. He asked me how I manage it and I said, I don't, that's why I've been asking for your help during this time. He has never complained again. But I tend to be dramatic when I feel like he's not listening, and you seem pretty level headed.

WisconsinCheese12 · November 2014

jrw526 said:
I'd call him out and pass over the baby and take some me time.

This

MeggsM · November 2014

I second (or third) the doing things while baby is asleep. It's known in our house and by our friends that it's family time between 5 and 8pm and only after that does DH play video games while LO is sleeping. He works out in the morning before LO and I are up for the day.

Or can you work breaks into the day before your DH goes on his work out? Mine comes home changes and takes the dog and lo for a half hour walk so I can sleep or just sit in the quiet. Sometimes I feel I should do dinner or something but those little breaks make a difference.

Hope this helps. I know that it took a frank conversation about how our lives are not and cannot be the same with a child as they were without as well as a few "here's your baby I'm outta here " moments for it to hit home for my DH.

scrumpfy · November 2014

It's important you both get some time to do what you want to do. Whether that's working out or shopping or reading a book. If he gets that much time to pursue his working out, he also needs to pitch in enough that you can do some things you want to do.

For awhile our evenings went like this : get girls to bed, then MH would go work out for 90minutes or so while I washed bottles, did laundry, prepped dinner for the next day, etc, and then maybe 2 x a week I'd work out for 20-30 min. I was feeling kind of resentful and told him it was bullshit he got to spend his evening basically pursuing a hobby while I did chores. So, now at least 5 nights a week, once the girls are in bed, we BOTH do chores, get done faster, and both work out 40-45 min.... Or read a book or catch up on the dvr, in my case.

jlb1023 · November 2014

I'm in the same boat as you are and don't know what to do about it either. On top of that, my husband travels for work and is gone quite a bit, which means I'm by myself alot. And when he's gone he's going out for dinners/drinks, going to the gym, not waking up with a baby, etc. So when he is home, I guess I expect him to want to be with us and not run off to the gym every day (in the middle of the day....and not when Jake is sleeping). My husband's life has not changed at all since having a baby and I get no time to myself. Guess I should've thought more about that or resolved some things before getting preggers with the 2nd. I've offered no advice...sorry about that. Just wanted to commiserate with you and let you know I get it.

kaking78 · November 2014

Wait, I must have missed this @jlb1023! Congratulations! (on the pregnancy, not the husband issue)

jlb1023 · November 2014

Thank you @kaking78 ! I appreciate your kind response!

WWYD - DH gym addict

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