Fam/friends asking how you conceived? (BFP!)

jenmay26 · November 2014

This is my first post, and hopefully I'm putting it in the best place. If there's been a discussion on this topic before, feel free to lead me to it. I'm sure there is one, but I didn't find any that really fit this question exactly.

Last Wednesday I found out I'm pregnant! Due date is July 14th! My wife and I had been trying for 3 months with a friend as a known-donor at home. I know we are very lucky that it didn't take long. It's perfect because my sister is also pregnant with her first (about 17 weeks along).

Ok, my biggest concern is that I'm a very private person and I'm big on etiquette (which most people aren't these days and will ask you any personal question they want to). I don't think I'm going to find this scenario in any etiquette books though... I don't want to share HOW we conceived with most people and I know they will ask. They'll probably ask out of curiosity, which is fine, but I want to politely remind them that this isn't an appropriate question. They can Google what the options are and they probably would never ask a heterosexual couple this question (despite the fact that heterosexual couples can artificially insemination too). It's none of their business if I slept with a guy (accidentally or on purpose), had a known friend donor in-home, if my baby was created in a petri dish or any of the other methods to conception. Truthfully, we won't hide the details from our child. He/she will have a "friendship" with our donor but he will not be involved as far as parenting. Our child will know that he is the father though (yet to decide how and when- another discussion, another day). We've already had some push-back from my MIL when my wife casually mentioned that we had a friend we were considering using as a donor and she freely shared all of her opinions about how horrible of a decision that would be and how risky it is (understandable to some extent, but I've done the research). Our family is supportive of us as a couple and will be happy for us, but they may have concerns/opinions about how we chose to conceive and I frankly don't think it's any of their business. We will probably be more willing to explain the details to close family members once we have the legal paperwork in place after the birth. My wife is more of an open-book and would tell everyone everything if she could, including how the whole inseminating portion went down. Basically I'm going to have to set some clear boundaries for myself and my wife on what we will share, with who and when.

So what are your suggestions for a polite response to the question "How did you get pregnant?" Were you willing to share the details or did you prefer to keep that private information private? And if you did share the details with family, would you have changed it if you could go back? Do you think we should instead educate family and friends on LGBT conceptions/pregnancies and be open with them? We won't be announcing to family that we're pregnant for a few weeks, but I want to be prepared for these awkward conversations... I know they'll be excited for us and I just want to leave it at that.

CageyMack · November 2014

We choose what to share one a perso -to-person basis.

Yes, people will use "curiosity" to ask the most rude, inappropriate questions. I can't stand it.

In my opinion, my child's story is theirs first and ours (the moms) second. I try to keep that in mind as we discuss their creation; if it feels like gossip, it is wrong.

If people ask you how you conceived, maybe you could develop some stock answers to have ready:

1. With a laugh, "the regular way!"
2. With a glint, "How were YOUR children conceived?"
3. "That's a funny question, actually, and one lots of people ask. We try to think of that as one of the least important features of our new baby, but you would be surprised at how many people ask that before asking truly meaningful questions, like when we are due, how we are feeling, or if we are nervous."
4. "That's for our baby to know first, since otherwise we are just gossiping about him/her before he/she is even born! But as soon as s/he can talk, you are welcome to talk to him/her."

Sometimes we divulge everything, because it does educate people. But that depends on who is asking and why. Normalizing gay parenting is important, but not at the expense of the child.

Good luck!

ball.and.chain · November 2014

I tend to be an open book; I went through a lot to get pregnant, and want to be up front with my issues with infertility and miscarriage so that other women who have been through it, are going through it, or may go through it in the future know they are not alone. However -- you have no obligation to share the details of your child's conception with anyone, whether it is a teachable moment or not. Don't share anything you don't want to, and don't let anyone make you feel bad about it. Congrats and welcome! Please feel free to join the pregnancy check in on Mondays.

mallory4284 · November 2014

I think it's a personal choice. It's whatever you're comfortable sharing or want to share in general.

And, in my opinion, I don't think people are going to ask how we conceived to be rude. No, they may not ask a hetero-couple how they conceived, but unless they have fertility issues (that they obviously may choose to keep to themselves) everyone knows how they got pregnant.

For us, I think it's an honest question for when two people conceive when they are literally physically unable to have a baby (whether they have fertility issues or not). I take it as they are asking because the fertility process intrigues them and they want to learn more about how it works.

Obviously you don't have to go into all the details. I mean, if we happen to get pregnant through our home inseminations, I don't plan on telling my extended family that we did it at home. I'd rather they just assume we went to a doctor's office and were inseminated there. It makes it seem less intimate than it probably truly was... And they don't need to know about the intimacy that went into it.

But like I said, that's obviously just how I feel about it. Everyone's going to know that we had help conceiving so there's no reason for me to hide it.

That being said, good luck and I hope you can find some common ground between you and your wife in how you can tell your family in a way that you're most comfortable!!

Twochickshavinachick · November 2014

To be honest, family and friends didn't ask. Mainly because those who mattered had a rough idea/didn't feel it was their business when we were TTC.
It was actually pretty funny to watch the drivers at work try to figure it out once I told them why I couldn't unload cages. The complete puzzlement on their face as they'd hesitantly start in with "I thought you were gay..." "I am," I'd reply with a grin. It just confused the poor dears even more.
When they asked how, I'd say "call the vatican! We've got another immaculate conception."

valeriegp · November 2014

Most people don't ask, but we don't have a standard answer for everyone.

Only 1 or 2 friends details about the donor, as far as height, looks (but not pictures), etc.
Only those friends and my mom know the details about IUI, etc., and they don't know much, just the general idea.
Anyone else who asks and indicates it is because they are interested in getting assistance getting pregnant (once, a single hetero friend, for example) I will talk to in generalities about how it all works.
Anyone else who asks has gotten a stock "we had medical assistance" answer. We have agreed not to talk to anyone else about the donor.

In that last category, I can only remember a few people who have asked. If a total stranger were to ask, I would be tempted to say something flippant like "I picked up a guy at a bar" or "well, what position were you in when you got pregnant" but no one has asked.

2brides · November 2014

A few people have asked (outside of close friends who were up to date along the process) and I don't have issue telling them (they were friends/co-workers - not random people!) I find it a teachable moment.

Interestingly neither set of grandparents ever has asked about the donor/process.

...and this is also one of those instances that as your child/children gets older, no one cares and no one asks.

I don't think I've had a conversation about their conception for years - outside of a new friend asking since she was going through infertility treatments.

jenmay26 · November 2014

Thanks everyone! I really feel better about having these conversations now. Love all the suggestions! I secretly want to tell people "the milkman" if they ask. We'll certainly share information with a few close friends, and my sister knows. I think if I do feel comfortable, I'll tell them in general what the options to LGBT, infertile couples and single women are, but I will not identify which route we chose. I don't mind the education piece, but I do mind that it's our very personal information! I like the perspective that it's the baby's information first.

@CageyMack - you put it perfectly for me: "Normalizing gay parenting is important, but not at the expense of the child."

Thanks everyone!

wishiwaspreggo · November 2014

My response depends on how the question is asked:

"I'm sorry, I realize this is probably an awkward question, but I was just wondering how you went about selecting a sperm donor? You don't have to explain if you don't want to. It's just that you're the first pregnant lesbian I've met!"

The question is respectful enough and while they're obviously curious they're not *morbidly* curious. I explain how we selected our donor and what we did to get pregnant. I don't go into a tremendous amount of detail but I explain enough so they're satisfied. That's my "teachable moment" approach

"Well how did you manage to do THAT?!"

Morbidly curious, disrespectful. I tell them I carefully tracked my ovulation and cruised local bars for men drunk enough to not notify my defective condom. Or if I felt lazy I went on Craigslist for a "casual encounter" and would hook up with whoever in the back of their pick-up truck.

That usually shuts them up. I've only had to use that peevish response once or twice so far

Belovedvirgo0209 · November 2014

AWWWWW CONGRATS lol July 14th was my due date last yr but she was born July 1st. Anyways we used a known donor off the KDR website and at first we just told people it was a known donor via sperm bank because to explain to them I found a guy on a website would have been hard. Averie is 4 months old and almost everyone knows now that there is a website for people wanting to help others out for free and that is how we met "Theo" and we met him and when Averie gets old enough she will meet him,I just explain it like he is a dear friend that we just don't get to see very often.I have shown my family his photos and they all say she looks just like him and they are all happy and very supportive of how we did because at the end of the day EVERYONE loves Averie and it doesn't matter to them how she came about.It is up to ya'll how much info you want everyone to know.

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