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October 2014 Moms
golfingdarwinfish
member
PPD/Adjustment Thread
golfingdarwinfish
member
I need a better title for this, and suggestions are welcome, but I think we should have a weekly thread for people having a difficult time adjusting, with PPD, or concerns regarding PPD.
How old is your LO?
When did you start having symptoms or feeling crummy?
Are you seeing a therapist/psychiatrist? On meds?
What are you struggling with at this point in time? Not limited to baby, could be personal, or relationship centric.
What's one thing about your LO that makes you smile?
Loss Blog (finally updated)
5 cycles of "TTC" - 3 intentional, 2 not so intentional. 5 BFPs. My rainbow arrived 10/15/14.
TFMC 08.02.13 at 19+ weeks. Everyday I grieve for my little Olive.
TFMC 08.02.13 at 19+ weeks. Everyday I grieve for my little Olive.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: PPD/Adjustment Thread
5w5d
When did you start having symptoms or feeling crummy?
This is a hard question to answer. I was on antidepressants for most of high school and college and finally stopped taking them last summer (2013). Then my husband died in June 2014 from a cardiac arrhythmia and I spent 2 months being forced to eat and shower, so I decided to I needed to get back on the meds as a preemptive measure. I was told I was "an excellent candidate" for PPD due to past history and circumstances by both my therapist and OB. For the first 3 weeks, I was not enjoying my baby and actively regretted having him and at the same time was terrified to let anyone else (but my mom) hold him.
Are you seeing a therapist/psychiatrist? On meds?
Yes to both. I've been seeing a therapist since late June and have been on Zoloft since the beginning of September. My dosage has been increased since I gave birth.
What are you struggling with at this point in time? Not limited to baby, could be personal, or relationship centric.
At first, I struggled with not having any idea what I was doing. I'm a planner and hate feeling out of control. I also felt intense anxiety whenever someone held him and was always afraid he would suddenly die. I am also still dealing with the loss of my husband, who was so excited and supportive and basically everything to me and the only person who really kept me grounded. I am having a hard time dealing with the way his family wants to use DS and I as replacements for my husband also.
What's one thing about your LO that makes you smile?
He smiles at me now and makes hilarious faces. He also looks just like DH which I've found to be more helpful than anything, though it does hurt to see sometimes.
When did you start having symptoms or feeling crummy? Basically from the day I delivered her.
Are you seeing a therapist/psychiatrist? On meds? Not yet...I am trying to figure out if it is normal post partum Blues or full blown depression.
What are you struggling with at this point in time? Breastfeeding. We struggle with latch and supply. I spend my day nursing, supplementing, and pumping to stimulate my supply. I get so angry she puts her hands up in the way so getting her to latch on my boob takes forever and I usually end up crying. Then I start getting so upset because I expected the actual act of breast feeding to be hard...but I never expected the supply issues that force me to supplement and pump after every nursing session. Then I get down on myself because I feel like it is my fault because my labor was induced and ended in a csection. Then i get angry again because this little person is the reason I had to have a c section and I am still in pain from.
What's one thing about your LO that makes you smile? She makes these amazing faces when she sleeps in my arms. And when she sleeps on my chest, sometimes she will suddenly raise her head up, look right at me, then face plant back into my chest. It cracks me up every time!
I love this girl so much..:but at the same time she causes me so much pain and anxiety that I don't know how I will survive a lifetime of worry about her. Because after breastfeeding...what's next that I will struggle with?
When did you start having symptoms or feeling crummy? I have had anxiety and some depression symptoms since high school ramping up during pregnancy
Are you seeing a therapist/psychiatrist? On meds?
Yes and on Celexa which I think helps but I want to wean off of because I don't like the way meds make me feel.
What are you struggling with at this point in time? Not limited to baby, could be personal, or relationship centric.
I think I am still not super connected to baby. I get anxiety about any guests or leaving the house. I just want to crawl up and hibernate.
What's one thing about your LO that makes you smile?
Her faces, stretches and cooing sounds. I love how she tries to self soothe by humming and putting her fingers in her mouth. She is so strong and smart!
I felt overwhelmed since his birth. From the get go the undertaking of caring for him has been overwhelming. I felt so unprepared for the emotional aspect of becoming a parent and the idea of never feeling "free" again.
By week two I was crying uncontrollably. A big part of my issue was that lo was so unhappy. Turns out that even though he has a perfect latch and us nursing every two hours for 30 mins or so at a minimum he was starving. When I pumped the most I every got out was 20ml total from both boobs.
I felt awful because I was doing everything by the book and I still failed.
I did go speak to my ob and a counselor because I was so overwhelmed. I am not on any meds because they said what I am experiencing is very common.
I guess now that we have switched to ff my main issue is that I am not used to not being successful at my tasks and the little human I created doesn't care. Again, I can be doing everything right and he is still going to cry.
I also get anxious about the night and wondering if I am going to get enough sleep to function the next day. I like being in control and dealing with an infant doesn't jive with that.
Lots of stuff about lo makes me smile. I love it when one of our cycles goes according to plan and also how I am the one that can soothe him (even if it is a heavy burden)
- 3 weeks and 2 days old.
When did you start having symptoms or feeling crummy?
- Ehhh, about a week or so ago.
Are you seeing a therapist/psychiatrist? On meds?
- Newp. But I think I am going to start looking for somebody to talk to. I have no idea how to find a good person.
What are you struggling with at this point in time? Not limited to baby, could be personal, or relationship centric.
- I'm so in love with her and completely overwhelmed by her at the same time. A lot of my anxiety stems from my mom leaving on a cruise and my SO going back to work at the same time. It was a lot to adjust to at the same time. Plus I think I have a borderline colic baby, and it's hard on my emotions to see my daughter cry. It's better now, because I had no choice but to adjust....but still. I've found that fresh air makes for better days.
What's one thing about your LO that makes you smile?
- Her smile. She has this adorable dimple in her left cheek! And I caught her laughing in her dream yesterday. She's such a character and I'm obsessed with her.
One thing that has helped is knowing that she doesn't know if I mess up or not. I'm all the parenting she knows, so when I'm having my worst day on my own...I'm still a great mom in her eyes!
I never get a real break because of this, and I'm losing my ability to function.
I hate that there is such a stigma around not breastfeeding these days. I was formula fed...my husband formula fed...most of my friends formula fed...and we are all happy, healthy adults. So why should society make me feel like a failure for not breastfeeding? I am going to a lactation support group this morning and plan on asking the lactation consultant how long I should give this plan before I accept my supply is what it is. Because I can't pump after every feeding forever. I am thinking I will give it til Thanksgiving and then at least stop pumping.
Even when researching about formula, and finding some snide comment on the article on formula saying breast is best, is like a knife in the heart. I need to work on accepting that feeding my baby is number 1 and that she has been so much happier and more interactive with me and DH since we started supplementing.
Baby R is 5 weeks, 1 day today. I've always dealt with anxiety and have been on various meds for about the past 8 years. I managed to make it through my pregnancy without meds but I knew I would probably need them again after delivery. I found that pretty much immediately I was dealing with panic attack-type symptoms related to being a new mom. I was consistently worried about every move I made with her, and started feeling "trapped" by being at home all of the time. I cried. A lot. This was compounded by the fact that breastfeeding did not work at all for me, even with multiple visits to a lactation consultant. I was even told that perhaps my lack of milk supply was due to being so stressed...which only stressed me out more!!
I've found some balance by starting a low dose of celexa again and finally accepting that in order for both mommy and baby to be happy and healthy we need to do formula feeding. The past few weeks have still be hard, but I'm just trying to tell myself that I'm doing the best that I can, and that is enough. R is growing and happy (most of the time!) and I have managed to not completely screw her up yet!
So many things about R make me smile. Her chubby cheeks and belly, her new baby smile, and her tiny little happy sounds all melt my heart.
Lots of good thoughts and understanding going out to all the other new moms on this thread who are struggling. Nobody tells you how hard the first few weeks, especially, can be. Between the physical recovery, hormonal changes, and emotions it is hard for anyone, let alone those of us prone to anxiety/depression to simply survive day to day. Creepy internet hugs for all!
TFMC 08.02.13 at 19+ weeks. Everyday I grieve for my little Olive.
TFMC 08.02.13 at 19+ weeks. Everyday I grieve for my little Olive.
DS is 2 weeks and 3 days old.
--
When did you start having symptoms or feeling crummy?
Maybe a few days after we got home from the hospital.
--
Are you seeing a therapist/psychiatrist? On meds?
No, I'm not sure if it's to that point yet.
--
What are you struggling with at this point in time? Not limited to baby, could be personal, or relationship centric.
I've been sobbing for seemingly no reason and I'm having body image and self esteem issues. I just feel so disgusting every day. My boobs are always leaking, I don't fit into real clothes, and I don't feel like me. I don't think DH finds me attractive.
I sometimes think I don't really matter anymore or that my thoughts and feelings aren't important. For example, I'm still really sore and exhausted yet we drive 45 minutes each way to visit my ILs for 4-6 hours at a time, not getting home until 11pm. I don't want to go. It's inconvenient, uncomfortable for me, and I think they should drive to us. But I can't say no or voice my opinion because it causes issues. When we are there I just sit there while everyone passes around DS.
It's rough ebfing because I feel like I'm tied to DS and can't do anything. We also never sleep long than 2 hour stretches at night, and that is if we are lucky.
It took us almost two years to get pregnant, and I never thought I'd be able to have kids. Throughout the entire pregnancy, I still never really thought I'd be bringing a baby home with me. I just kept thinking something would happen and I would never be a mom. The L&D nurse looked at me like I was crazy when he was born and I was shocked that he was actually here. I told my best friend and she looked at me and said, "You really don't think you deserve anything good, do you?" And honestly, I don't.
Ugh, I'm crying as I type this but it feels so good just to get it out.
--
What's one thing about your LO that makes you smile?
Ah, his little milk drunk face after he eats. He has my nose which is a little turned up, but looks freaking adorable on a baby. And I love that when he's asleep on my chest he wraps both arms around me like he's constantly hugging me.
I'm sorry this was so long.
I hope you feel better physically soon!!
I can tell a difference, but since I'm done breastfeeding, I'll probably ask to go back to cymbalta. I hope there is a generic for it now. It's been a while and that shit is expensive.
@MRSclarke08 I feel exactly the same way you do every time we supplement with formula. It's so much easier sometimes to just make her a bottle rather than try and fight to breastfeed her. Then I start thinking about just exclusively formula feeding her and I feel so guilty because my reasons aren't for her, they are for my comfort and ease. But I think what we have to remember is a happy mom is more important than a tortured breastfeeding mom.
I have dysthymia, which is lifelong depression. Most of the time, it's in check with schedules, exercise and rest. But when I don't get those things, I melt down.
My decision was based on the fact that the baby couldn't transfer more than half an ounce at a long feeding from me plus the added bonus of not making enough for her day when pumping. But the fact that I knew formula would mean less pressure and more predictability for me meant something. That makes me feel selfish sometimes, but babies pick up on stress. And in the first two weeks, I didn't love my baby. I actually put on shoes, picked up car keys, and went to leave. My husband begged me to stay. If it wasn't for him, if I was alone that day, I doubt I would have left the baby alone, but I was out of my mind. I'm not sure what would have happened.
I agree with spurp. If formula feeding makes you more at ease then it does benefit your baby. If momma ain't happy ain't nobody happy. Formula is not the devil or bad. It is a great way to feed your baby no matter have you arrived at that decision.
And plus also, booze and better meds! Just saying! But honestly, if you are providing nutrition to your lo then you are doing your job.
Fx your new addition switches his days and nights and you can be able to relax some.
How old is your LO?
Hugs to everyone who is struggling. I have struggled through PPD/PPA with my first two and despite how many supports I've put in place this time, there are definitely some familiar symptoms returning.
Just want to say to all of you that it DOES get better. Please never think that this is your fault. And know that you are never alone. Even with the thoughts and feelings you feel so ashamed of and are afraid to admit, I promise you there are so many moms feeling the exact same thing. And it doesn't make you a bad mom!
How old is your LO?
5 weeks
When did you start having symptoms?
I have a history of depression. I was getting depressed near the end of my pregnancy and my doctor wanted me back on meds but I was apprehensive about it. When DD was a few days old, I started feeling overwhelmed and scared. I have had some scary thoughts and just wanting to escape it all. Most of the time I'm coping well, but it's really overwhelming with 3 kids and little support.
Are you seeing a psychiatrist? On meds?
Yes and yes. I've had a psychiatrist for a while but she was really horrible. During my pregnancy I advocated for a new one as I wanted a good support during the postpartum period. Thankfully I was finally able to get a different one and she has been great. I started Zoloft when DD was a few days old and it has been good in terms of no side effects. Not sure if it has started to work yet as I know it takes several weeks to feel the full effect but I feel like it's helping.
What are you struggling with at this point in time?
My marriage. It's so bad. We were separated for 6 months last year and then tried to work it out and I immediately got pregnant. We went to counselling during my pregnancy but nothing improved. I feel like he hasn't made an effort and I'm just so done. It's a whole novel to get Into it all. But I feel like I've really tried and it's just hopeless. His negativity and lack of support is driving me crazy. But I'm torn between wanting the help with the kids and wanting my own peaceful space on my own. It's so complicated with three kids... I'm just trying to deal with it for now until I'm feeling a bit more stable and come up with a plan.
I just think it's bad because I can't do a ton. I pulled a muscle in my side three days ago (I guess that's what it is). I have stabbing pain when I move certain ways. I can't hold her or walk around with her or rock her. I feel like a shitty parent for just sticking her in a swing for most of her life. Sometimes I Look over and she's in the sing, eyes wide open. She must be so bored, but I don't know what I'm supposed to do with her if I'm not changing or feeding her.
Do you think it would be good for you to get out of the house, baby free, for a few hours? I am thinking of asking DH to watch her for a few hours this weekend while I just get out and be my old self again, just for a little bit. I am hoping it helps rejuvenate me.
Today I slid back with my frustrations with breastfeeding. I get so down on myself because I feel like my body has just failed me completely with this whole process. Being induced...the c-section...now breastfeeding. I think mentally it will be healthier for me just to switch to FF full time, but I keep thinking about the advice I read here on not to quit on a bad day. I told myself to try and do this for six weeks, but that's 4 more weeks of the endless nursing, supplementing, pumping routine. I don't know if I can make it that long. I am the only one that cares so much...all of my friends and family are supportive of formula feeding...so I don't know why I can't seem to let go when this clearly makes me so unhappy.
Your feelings on breastfeeding are the same as mine. I will say that when I decided to quit at 2.5 weeks, it was freeing. I still have all the guilt in the world and hate the decision every day but I know, with my pain from the section and depression, I couldn't have done it. I hate that I couldn't. But it was what had to be done. So I do get more sleep than a lot of women on the board because I am not bf any more.
It's one thing to suffer through bf, knowing it gets easier. It's another when you have to do that, supplement, and pump.
30 dx with PCOS 2010 treating with metformin
DS1 12-29-11 DS2 11-4-14
BFP 10/19/13 missed mc at 5 weeks d&c 11/18/13
BFP 2/16/14 Please stick baby! ! EDD 10/31/14
DX with septate uterus 3/1/14
Just talk to her. It feels silly but narrate what you are doing. Read her a book, sing her a real song or a made-up song. Show her new toys on the playmat. Talk about body parts when you are changing her. Give her a lotion massage. Take her to the mall or to Target and walk around with her (DS usually falls asleep in his car seat anyway). I was told I could drive after 2 weeks or if I felt like I could reasonably slam on the brakes if needed since that is what they are worried about w/post c-section according to my doc.
I try to get out for one errand a day. I split up my errands so that I have something to do each day. It gets us both out of the house. This is a rough time and it does get better when baby starts responding to you and it feels less like playing darts in the dark trying to keep LO happy.
As for getting out solo - YES! I swear, 1 hour of walking around Target alone completely rejuvenates me (we live in a very small town, hence Target is about the only destination besides the grocery store) after too much time with the kids. Even when I'm at my wit's end with DD and I get a short break, I feel better. It doesn't have to be hours or a half day, it can be an hour or two.
We have a lot going on in our lives right now and I feel very overwhelmed since I'm handling the majority of the stressful stuff. I don't know if this is causing my feelings or if it is pp related.
Iam seeing a therapist it's helping and I was put on lexapro it didn't help made me feel worse so I've decided to try and push through it. I didn't have symptoms until she came home 4 weeks ago that's when I started feeling hopeless and tons of anxiety . I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel .
Every day she is so fussy she cries and cries I cry with her and heck I'm crying as I'm even writing this .does it get better ? She hates sleeping this is so hard .
Glad to see I'm not alone in theses struggles . I often sit in my car and just cry at the thought of walking in my house to hear her cry. I miss work my career is on he until the winter passes due to her being a preemie the nicu stressed the importance of keeping her in doors . I hate leaving the house with her because it's a struggle . I hope it gets better