Seeking advice from second time moms

teamblakeley · November 2014

Second-Time Moms:
What was the best advice you've ever gotten (to help with nursing, sleeping schedules, bathing, general baby care, etc.) that helped you get through the first few weeks of motherhood?

willowprincess · November 2014

Honestly, someone told me to trust myself. And that is the best advice I have ever received. You are mom and will know your baby better than anyone. Even that early on. Trust yourself and your momma gut.

notquiteblushing · November 2014

Get a big water bottle and sleep when the baby sleeps.

tiffbot1985 · November 2014

Do what's right for you. It's cliche, but it's true, and hard to remember sometimes.

MamaK818 · November 2014

Definitely to trust your gut... and do things in advance so that all you have to do those first weeks is sleep and feed your baby. The less you have to do the better!

JoJo1111 · November 2014

For breastfeeding, learning about normal newborn behaviour before hand really helped. Cluster feeding and growth spurts were a little less concerning when they were expected. I reccomend the kellymom website and the lll book The Motherly Art of Breastfeeding for knowledge based information on breastfeeding. Also sleep when the baby sleeps and don't be afraid to ask for help!

hswan26 · November 2014

Sleep when the baby sleeps. We were sleep deprived for 8 months while dd had colic. She cried every night from 4 pm to 4 am.

We ended up changing formulas which finally solves the problem, even after the doctors told us to suck it up she would grow out of it. So follow your instincts.

Also, everyone is going to give you advice, pick and choose what works for you and what doesn't, there is no "right" way.

Jtdd · November 2014

With my first I read all the books and knew exactly what to do... Haha little did I know my baby didn't read the books and he had very different ideas about what he was going to do. I was so stressed out that he wasn't doing things normally that it was hard to just enjoy him. To this day he's still my "different" child. So I would say throw your expectations out the window and spend your timing getting to know and enjoy your baby for whatever makes them special

llivelaughlove · November 2014

I agree with follow your gut. Do what works for you and your baby- don't worry about what everyone else says. I gave my son a pacifier at 3 days old bc he had an insane sucking reflex. I knew for my sanity and my poor boobs, we needed to start it early. Don't try to worry about doing anything other than learning your baby the first few weeks. And lastly, ask for help! You'll be happy you did!

ELauren88 · November 2014

Always remember that your baby feeds off your emotions. If you're frustrated and stressed, it will stress your baby. Relax. It seems so much more dramatic at the time, but its all OK.

Do what is right for your family, and for you. You know your baby best, and know what they're trying to tell you. Let them. Don't let other people butt their noses in.
Always remember, it gets better. (In regards to sleep, bfing, etc) DD didn't sttn until 9 months, but compared to other mommy friends, we got lucky. Its all totally normal.
Don't get hung up on milestones. Its OK if your LO hasn't rolled over both ways by 4 months. Its totally normal to not crawl until 9 or 10 months. All perfectly normal.
That being said, don't be afraid to advocate for your child, this going to back to you knowing your child best. If something seems wrong, there's no shame in asking for a second opinion. Or even a third.

Schnurette · November 2014

Sleep when they sleep. You are going to be tempted to use that time to get stuff done but take it easy on yourself - you need the rest in order to really take care of baby.

shibby00 · November 2014

Actually I hate the sleep when the baby sleeps. Maybe with your first you can, but clothes still need washed, food still needs purchased and prepared and cleaned up after, and with second, third, etc kids you literally cannot sleep when the baby sleeps. Best advice I got was to remember this too shall pass. Post partum and newborn time is hard. So hard. But gradually it gets better until it's just the new normal. Before you know it that newborn is a year old! For STM best advice is to always care for the older child first if they both need something at the same time. The younger child won't remember but the older one might. That helps to reduce resentment for the older sibling as well.

krnten · November 2014

Seconding "this too shall pass." The first 3 months or so are brutal, esp if it's your first. Take as much babysitting as you can get. People will offer to help, take them all up on it!!

kimmarie1105 · November 2014

I agree with the "this too shall pass" manta. I also agree about not liking sleep when baby sleeps. Its not always about getting housework done. Sometimes you just need to be an adult with no person attached to you, whether its watching tv, painting your nails or staring at the damn wall. You just need you time.

I say involve your husband in EVERYTHING from day 1. Make him change diapers, get up in the middle of the night, comfort and hold the baby when crying etc. So many of my friends have husbands who would like to help but don't or can't because your motherly instinct takes over and you just want to do it all. Get the baby used to looking for daddy for comfort as well.

wdwrocksmysocks · November 2014

Don't beat yourself up if BFing doesn't work. I went to 5 different LCs, tried physical therapy for DD, rented a hospital grade pump, and tried supplements to help with my supply. In the end, it just didn't work. I felt like a total failure at the time. But, then I realized that BF isn't the end all be all. It's great if it works, but if it doesn't you're not a bad mom or a failure.

mommacath · November 2014

The first 8 weeks are the most sleep deprived and hectic of time. But mostly the easiest time to get out of the house. Don't stay cooped up! Having bottles or sippie cups ready to go in fridge, pjs diapers ect laid out for bath time or other proactive little things help keep you moving forward.

Bednarova · November 2014

Do what works for you and your family, and don't let the advice of "well meaning" friends and family make you feel bad about your choices (unless of course you are doing something that harms the baby, like giving juice to a newborn or dangling them upside down by an ankle).

If breastfeeding is stressing you out so much, stop and use formula. If having baby in another room from the start is the best for you, do it.

wdwrocksmysocks · November 2014

And one more -- try not to compare yourself to what other moms are doing. What works best for them may not for you. And, even if they look like that have their ish together, they may be struggling privately.

junch817 · November 2014

Nursing is CRAZY HARD in the beginning. My best advice was to take it one nursing session at a time. I never set a long term goal. And when it was the most time consuming and beyond painful, I literally said to myself each time "just try one more time".

Bottom line, as long as baby is getting fed, whether formula or breastmilk, you are taking care of baby.

mommacandi · November 2014

I agree with all PP'ers. With the first baby, sleeping when the baby sleeps works, as long as you have a SO who is helpful around the house...I was able to do this with the first, and will do it with the second while DD is at school. Something that I never did with DD that I maybe should have to maintain my own sanity was to ask for help. I felt like I needed to be able to do it all by myself, which is silly when you have people willing to help.

Also, do what works for you, not what you "should" do or are "supposed" to do...there's no such thing! All babies are different and as long as you love and care for your baby to the best of your ability, he/she will turn out just fine.

One last thing, let people know that you would love for them to come visit, but need a little time to settle (if this is the case for you). It was for me, but I felt bad telling people that I needed some time, so I was bombarded with visitors everyday from the day after I got home from the hospital...not to mention visitors everyday while in the hospital (I had a C-section, so I was there for 3 days). Let me tell you, pumping in front of people is less than ideal! We had our good friends come visit the day after I had the baby (they're a couple) and they sat there while I pumped...the guy too!! To say the least...don't be afraid to speak up for what you need and what will help you to be the most comfortable.

NoeliaV · November 2014

If you're a first-time mom, sleep when the baby sleeps. Seriously. You will never regret choosing sleep over cleaning the house.

Hold your baby as much as you want for as long as you want. The snuggly baby days past fast, and I've never for a second thought "man, I wish I put that baby down more."

Find your local babywearing international chapter. Go to a meeting before the baby arrives, and find out about your babywearing options. Hands free baby snuggles are where it's at! (Bonus points when he/she and you get comfortable enough to nurse and wear at the same time)

Look into the 4month wakeful period. It sucks, but it passes, I promise.

Most babies (I think) go through a bit of a "witching hour" for a few weeks, where they can be inconsolably fussy. Learn the 5 S's to help them muddle through it, but mainly put your big girl pants on because, lo, it is rough.

If you want to breastfeed: Have a lactation consultant in mind to call in case you run into trouble. The hospital LCs may or may not be helpful.

Get a big reusable cup/bottle for you, and have your DH/partner be sure it's filled with water at all times. This was one of DH's jobs, and it was so helpful.

Have on hand a bunch of little-to-no prep snacks (dry nuts, granola bars, dried fruit, cookies, etc) on hand. Pack some in your L&D bag too, in case the cafeteria is closed for several hours post-delivery.

junch817 · November 2014

Sleeping when baby sleeps is great - if it works well for you. DD was only ever a cat napper. It sucked. Everytime she finally fell asleep, I would no sooner lay down and just start to get on the verge of falling into a deep sleep, and BAM, she was up. I hated it. Everytime I tried, she woke up. The few times I didn't try, she would sleep. It would be one of those "oh it's been a half hour, she will probably wake up any second now" and I would keep thinking that for another hour sometimes and then my window was gone. Sleeping when baby sleeps is not quite as easy as it seems. My advice would be to sleep when baby sleeps AND when another caregiver is there to help out. If mom or MIL comes to stay for a few days or week, THAT's when you need to be sleeping.

Also definitely definitely definitely "this too shall pass". I really need to remember that this time. It might be my last and I don't want to wish away any part of it because it will be over SOOO fast.

junch817 · November 2014

Oh and one more....don't save the special or really nice outfits because you are just at home, or she might spit up or whatever. They grow SO FAST. I had so many things DD never wore or wore just once. Wear the cute outfits while you can!!!

blu-eyedwife · November 2014

* However/Wherever/Whenever the baby sleeps is fine. Don't worry about the fact they only sleep in the rock 'n play, only sleep when being held, only sleep in the crib. It's about survival.

* There is no such thing as "normal." (or maybe more accurately, the range of normal is extensive.)

* As soon as you think you've got it under control everything changes.

opheliacantswim · November 2014

PPs have covered lots of good stuff, and some of this has been said many times already, but here is my list:

1. Let the advice roll off your back. If you like breastfeeding, do it. If you don't, get that kid some formula. Like having the baby in your room? Go for it. Wanna put him in his nursery from day one? Proceed. YOU are the mom and everyone else can take a seat.

2. Your partner is a fifty percent parent. They need to handle half the diapers, half the feedings, half the baths, whatever. (Now you may decide, of course, that you are awesome at feeding and they are the diaper master, or whatever--or you will handle night feedings while you're on maternity leave, etc, etc, but however you divide the labor, remember that it really does need to be equal, or you're going to want to shove him out the window. I speak from experience.)

3. Tell your family and friends what you need. Maybe that's company. Maybe it's a glass of wine or a cup of coffee while DH keeps the kid for an hour or two. Maybe it's a casserole. Or maybe it's just some privacy while you figure out parenting. Be honest and get what you need.

4. Don't quit showering, taking walks, putting on lip gloss, whatever it is that you do that makes you feel normal. Baby can chill in his bouncer while you shower, dress, whatever. You will feel so much better if you don't quit doing self-care.

5. We're having summer babies, so we're lucky that we don't have to worry about cold weather--so take your new kiddo outside! Sunshine and fresh air are so nice. Take walks. Enjoy life.

6. RELAX. Babies can tell if you're uptight, and it makes them uptight.

7. Swaddle the crap out of that kid.

8. Get a good sling and wear your child strapped to your chest like a small, adorable bomb. They will be happy and you will be able to cuddle AND move freely and get stuff done. Huge score.

That is all my wisdom right there.

mamahawk12 · November 2014

There is no such thing as a schedule. At least for a while. Don't kill yourself trying to get baby to eat/sleep/play at certain times. Just live. Sleep when they sleep. Feed them when they're hungry. The schedule will come naturally soon enough - don't try to force one. I promise it will make you miserable.

mamahawk12 · November 2014

junch817 said:

Nursing is CRAZY HARD in the beginning. My best advice was to take it one nursing session at a time. I never set a long term goal. And when it was the most time consuming and beyond painful, I literally said to myself each time "just try one more time". Bottom line, as long as baby is getting fed, whether formula or breastmilk, you are taking care of baby.

Agh, YES! I want to punch every single lactation consultant that tells women that "when done correctly, breastfeeding is easy and painless". IT IS A LIE. I have a lot of mommy friends and this was true for ONE. Everyone else, myself included, struggled. It is painful, and frustrating, and I shed a lot of tears (and some blood) over it. Once we were established (several weeks later) yes, it was easy and painless and very rewarding. But it was a struggle to get there. I feel like all the lactation consultants out there saying otherwise are doing new moms a disservice.

veggiemo · November 2014

@opheliacantswim Great list, I enjoyed reading

I would especially agree with number 2. Your partner needs to be as hands-on as possible and right from the very start. You want to make sure they are comfortable, so when you do need to get out of the house for a little bit, they know what to do. I can't believe the amount of friends I have whose husbands don't know how to properly clip the kid into a car seat, or how to fold the stroller!
My husband stays home at least one day a week to take care of our son, and we started that as soon as I went back to work. It has done nothing but great things for their relationship and also with his confidence as a parent.

S&SS · November 2014

Sleep when the baby sleeps.

Also.. accept the help people want to give you. The freezer meals people gave me were the best gifts i received. And if your friend comes over and says "Ill hold the baby while you _____". let her. Get a nap, get a shower. DO NOTHING! Just accept the help.

NoeliaV · November 2014

The first two weeks of breastfeeding were definitely painful. But, it was painless after that! (until I got KTFU again)

MissBridg · November 2014

I want to let everyone in on the best kept secret in mommy-hood: we are ALL just making it up. Every momma for thousands of years has been making it up. You will make mistakes and have major triumphs. But as long as that baby is waking up every day and gaining weight every week- you are doing it right.

Have faith in yourself and be calm. The more relaxed you are the more relaxed your baby will be.

Don't be afraid to put the baby in the swing or the bouncer or whatever and take a shower or eat your lunch. Even if he or she is crying- sometimes no matter what you do they will cry. Try and remember- If they are crying, they are breathing. Don't feel obligated to hold your baby all day long.

If people you trust offer to help clean your house, watch your baby, fold your laundry etc LET THEM. It may seem weird but they offer because they genuinely want to help.

Having a baby is incredibly humbling. Be open to that and you will be blessed

MissBridg · November 2014

junch817 said:
Nursing is CRAZY HARD in the beginning. My best advice was to take it one nursing session at a time. I never set a long term goal. And when it was the most time consuming and beyond painful, I literally said to myself each time "just try one more time".

Bottom line, as long as baby is getting fed, whether formula or breastmilk, you are taking care of baby.

This. I could NOT agree more. I'd like to add that if breast feeding is not for you, then you don't have to do it. My pediatrician- "formula is made for babies- it is NOT poison as some people would lead you to believe."

Don't let anyone pressure you or push you into it if you don't want to do it.

Also- there are more options than simply nursing or formula. You can supplement with formula, you can exclusively pump (what I did).

The bottom line is- the BEST thing for your baby is a sane and happy momma.

hswan26 · November 2014

I would also like to add-get your partner involved right of the back. When DD was born he was less than hands on, he was scared to even hold her. Fast forward to when she was 18 months, if he had changed a dozen diapers I would be surprised. His lack of ability to care for her was frustrating and wore on our relationship, in hindsight I was also at fault for not giving him the tools to succeed and just doing everything myself.

I also ditto the taking care of your needs. You have to pee, you need to shower. A baby can cry for a minute or two while you pee. I used to bring DD into the bathroom in a bouncy seat so I could shower and hear her.

If you're feeling overwhelmed you can walk away for 5 minutes. Make sure baby is someplace safe and give yourself a couple minutes to settle down and get it together.

LadySif · November 2014

Not much to add at this point, but I thanked myself so many times after deliver for making a million freezer meals in the month or two before delivery. It was awesome and relaxing to know dinner was mostly set so I could spend more time cuddling my baby. Absolutely doing it again this time around. The time goes so quickly, so do what you can now to make that time that much more enjoyable.

moooommmmmmmmyyyyyyy · November 2014

You'll have good days, great days awesome days and then you'll have your ugly bad days that just when you think cant get any worst your baby will do something that melts your heart and you know, despite it being a hard day you know everything will works out. I think all ladies have given you some great advise. Follow your heart and gut. Do what's best for your family.

mccall35 · November 2014

shibby00 said:
Actually I hate the sleep when the baby sleeps. Maybe with your first you can, but clothes still need washed, food still needs purchased and prepared and cleaned up after, and with second, third, etc kids you literally cannot sleep when the baby sleeps. Best advice I got was to remember this too shall pass. Post partum and newborn time is hard. So hard. But gradually it gets better until it's just the new normal. Before you know it that newborn is a year old! For STM best advice is to always care for the older child first if they both need something at the same time. The younger child won't remember but the older one might. That helps to reduce resentment for the older sibling as well.

I like this. I'm nervous about introducing a 2nd baby to the mix. And tending to the older one first, while it makes sense, I'm not sure if I would've thought of that right away!

My advice to FTMs, shower every day. Take those 15 minutes for yourself, it will help you feel human and refresh your body and mind!

mccall35 · November 2014

NoeliaV said:
The first two weeks of breastfeeding were definitely painful. But, it was painless after that! (until I got KTFU again)

Omg this! I'm nursing my 20 month old and it feels like the beginning all over again. Teeth grinding, tear shedding fun.

taboullio84 · November 2014

You will need to take a break.. A long bath... A walk.. Not just sleep. To keep your sanity.

housewifebecomesher · November 2014

So much great advice here!

Best response to unsolicited advice: "That's interesting!"

Trust yourself and your baby. Moms just know

Don't be afraid to use a pacifier.

Nursing is crazy hard at the beginning (as PP said) but it can really be great for bonding if it works for you. If it doesn't, that's okay too.

Sometimes the only solution is to go in the other room and count to ten.

Take care of yourself. The key to a happy baby is a happy momma.

You'll be great!

opheliacantswim · November 2014

@shibby00 that's great advice about helping the older child first--I have spent a lot of time thinking about how DD will adjust to the LO, but that is the first really concrete thing I've heard for how to deal with it. Makes sense to me.

junch817 · November 2014

Another one I just thought of - If your hospital has a nursery, let the baby sleep in the nursery at night. Even if it's just from 11:00 to 5:00 or something like that. Get the rest you need while you can! My sister told me this and I was like "yeah right, I won't be able to do that" and I almost didn't. But I am so glad I did. Newborns make weird noises, and as a FTM, you will wonder if everything is ok everytime that baby makes any noise. I started with her in my room, but I soon realized I wasn't sleeping at all because every weird hiccup or snort or whatever kept me awake. Let the nurses help you!! You are paying for that nursery - you should take advantage of it. They only had to bring DD to me 2-3x a night (I was there 3 nights from csection). I know not everyone wants to do this, but since yo asked for advice that helped us, I wanted to share this because it helped me (and DH). When your hospital stay is over, you will wish you still had nurses there to help you at night!

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