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Afraid of losing "me"? (LONG & kind of pointless...)
Now that we have made the whole "TTC in late 2009" official, I am beginning to panic a bit. I am afraid of the things I will be giving up to have a child. I know that sounds really selfish and there are a lot of people that will respond that the sacrifices are "worth it" because of the baby. That doesn't really make me feel better. 
Take travel, for example... I LOVE to travel. DH really could care less about it so I often take trips alone to see people or I will go places with a girlfriend. This is something that will all but go away when we have a child... (mainly for budget reasons) Travel is something that is important to me. So, I feel like some of me will be lost. I burst into tears this weekend when I realized that some of the trips I had hoped to take in the next few years won't happen...
Am I making sense? Did anyone else struggle with the aspect of losing parts of who you are or things that are important to you? I feel terrible that I am being selfish before I am even pregnant!! However, taking care of ME is important too, right?
If you have read this far, thanks for letting me vent. I wish I could blame it on hormones.
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Re: Afraid of losing "me"? (LONG & kind of pointless...)
I feel traveling and other things are still possible, and even more enjoyable with the company of a baby/child. My DH and I are very much looking forward to taking our DC on trips with us. We are even planning a European trip once she is a few years old. I wouldnt worry about having a baby as a set back to achieving what you love to do.
We currently only have a dog. Bad comparison I know, but we take her with us everywhere we can. She is part of the family, and we love to share our experiences with her.
If you had been on the baby board about a year ago, you would have seen that I went through this exact. same. thing. I was freaking out about how baby would change our lives, lives that we LOVED. We loved having all this time to just the two of us. We loved having extra $. We loved sleeping in. We loved being spontaneous. We loved traveling. We loved living the child-free life.
Eventually, my desire to have a child just overgrew the fear of the changes that said child would bring to our lives. I also loved reminding DH (and myself) that all those things we love don't have to go away, they will just change.
I don't think it's bad that you are feeling this way! I think it's a wonderful thing that you are really thinking all this through and considering the ramifications of your decision ahead of time. How tragic to get pregnant only realize you never took the time to fully appreciate your life pre-baby.
(((lots of hugs))) it's totally normal.
Your fear/ panic is legitimate and not at all pointless!
I have found that the things that are truely still important to me- I still find the time/money to do. I also LOVE to travel and actually had a trip planned w/ my BFF (until I found out I was due w/ U2- now we are postponing b/c it involved TONS of alcohol...yum). I also wanted to make sure I was still able to have alone time w/ DH- which we do often.
Taking care of YOU and making sure that you are a whole person is very important to being an awesome wife and mother.
I think that subconsciously, this is the precise reason that DH and I never had a TTC "plan". We just got married, and started winging it. We always knew deep down we wanted and were meant to be parents, but if we had made a plan to TTC in 9 or 10 months, I know that I would have thought and obsessed over every single thing that would be sacrificed and I would have made myself crazy.
As it turned out, it was kind of like just running and jumping into the pool instead of easing in little by little - we're here now and we deal day-to-day with the lack of sleep and the inability to just head to the bar for happy hour at a moment's notice, etc. And it surprised me to find that I really don't miss the stuff I used to do, and that I want nothing more than to stay home and spend time with my family.
I'm not at all saying that you and your DH shouldn't have made the plans you've made. I'm saying that I am a lot like you, and I can totally understand your fears and worries. All I can tell you is to try to enjoy the upcoming months and try not to focus or dwell on the looming TTC and all that entails. You will take it one day at a time. I know, that's easier said than done! You are not alone, and you're not at all selfish! It's a huge change and change is very scary. You're not alone, and you will get through it!
When 3 Became 4
I still have that post bookmarked on my computer!
I think what you're feeling is normal.
The Blog
I understand. I had Jakob when I was 19, and sometimes I feel like I missed out on so much because I had a baby. I hate the question - How did you change after having a baby? Because I don't have an answer. I feel like I never had a chance to really become my own adult person, my entire adult life has been as a mom.
But then I stop feeling sorry for myself
You don't lose a part of yourself by having a baby. You gain a new part, you learn a new identity. Its just another part of growing up. And you'll still be able to do stuff for just YOU. Just not as often
I'm just a lurker on here most of the time, but feel the same way as you!! DH and I just aren't ready to not be selfish anymore. We really like to travel too, and love to hang out with our friends all the time. Also love to sleep in and just do things that we like. I figure that someday the baby fever will drown out those thoughts and that's how I'll know that I'm ready. It's hard when people ask *when* because I just don't know yet. I also am not really comfortable with the answer "whenever i stop being selfish".
anyway - just wanted to empathize! Obviously the little one will bring many more joys into your life than traveling ever could, but that doesn't mean that you aren't allowed to be sad that something you love will most likely be taking a hiatus.
I think that realization/mini-panic just comes with the decision to TTC.. at least it did for me and DH.
But like rssn said, at some point along the way (not quite sure when/where) ?our desire to have a family suddenly outweighed the fear of what we may/may not have to sacrifice. ?
You're doing yourselves and your future child(ren) a favor by taking everything into consideration now.
Hope you find peace about it soon.. whatever that peace may be.?
The O'Baby Blog
Ditto this! And also, while some things may change or you won't get to enjoy them any more ... NEW things will come up that you didn't get to experience before.
Before having DD, I always said the decision to have a child is the decision to become completely selfless ... and I wasn't ready for that until I hit 28. But I sure am glad that I finally was ready and forever grateful for DD. :-)
To be really honest - I still struggle with it. There are weekends I would love to sleep in or spend all day reading or take a spur of the moment trip. I miss those things. But I wouldn't trade DD in a heartbeat for that. We travel with her and I plan on sharing my travel passion with her as she grows. And we can still take trips - it just requires more planning than it used to. Everything is a trade off. Just like you gave up some of your single life to be with your DH, it's the same thing with parenting (granted, on a bigger scale). There are things you will sacrifice but in the end, it's worth the sacrifice because of the joy and love and growth in brings in your life. Parenting is definitely it's own kind of adventure!
Ditto this and other pp. I worry about the same things - will we not be able to do stuff we like to do b/c of time, money, energy, priorities...? Eventually, we took the "jump in" approach above, lol. We haven't bought a house yet, still have some debt to payoff, still have many places we want to go. But we didn't want to wait for kids either, b/c you never really know how long you have here, you know? So, we jumped in and decided we'll play it by ear. Don't get me wrong, I still plan and list and worry, but in the end, we'll work it out and take Ocho along for the ride.
You are definitely not alone though. And don't ever forget about yourself. It's your life, too, and you should definitely enjoy it and meet goals you have set. I plan to still get my/our goals done, I just know it will most likely be on a slightly different timeline now.
I know how you feel - I was right there a year ago. It took me 6 months of DH trying to convince me and me thinking things out (and, oh yeah, a pg scare) that got me to where I was ready to TTC. What your feeling is totally normal and expected. I worry about people who DON'T think about this kind of thing and then have a baby and go, OH SCH!T.
I am most definitely the spender in this marriage. I like having the money to buy stuff and not worry about it. I like being able to afford to have massages at luxury spas on every single trip DH and I take. I love that we can pick up at a moment's notice and do whatever we want. DH was ready to give all that up (he's a simple man) for a kid, but I wasn't. I went through a terrible period of wondering if I was ever going to be selfless enough to have a kid. Here's the conclusion I came to - once we have a kid, we'll still be able to do all those things that we do now. The difference will be that they will become less frequent, require more planning, and we'll have to really think about how to afford them (and whether or not they're worth the expense.) The money is the biggest thing, but I know that if there is something DH and I really want to do or buy, we WILL find a way. Whether that means we work overtime for a little while to save some $, or we take fewer trips one year so we can save up for a big one later on, or we take on extra projects at work to earn a little extra....whatever it is, we'll find a way to pay for it when the budget gets tight. I think if you trust in yourself to figure out a way, then you won't have to give up anything that you don't want to give up. They'll just become more challenging to get (but that much more worth it!!)
The other thing I realized is that I don't have to do everything right now before I have kids. Everytime I get all crazy and want to do something insanely expensive (spendthrift, remember?
), DH's fave saying is, "Honey, that's what retirement is for!" So I may not get to go to Europe for 2 weeks until I'm 55 and the kids are out of the house. So what? I'll enjoy the hell out of it then, just as much as I would now, and maybe even more. Life does not have to end when you have kids. Sometimes, waiting to do things until later when you've finished this phase of your life can be just as fufilling!
i felt the same way. and when met with an unexpected pregnancy, i was terrified! the entire 9 months.
i can't explain how much all of that changed when i fell in love with our sweet baby girl. all of the things we loved to do before she was in our lives, we've either adapted them to include her or we've dropped them because we no longer have a desire to do them! i know it's cliche but she really has made our lives so much richer. i don't feel like i've sacrificed anything that mattered, and i've gained so much more than i ever expected. a mother's love is so strong....
You guys are awesome and you have really said some things that will "carry me through". Thank you for letting me vent and hear from other people. Makes me feel a LOT less selfish.
I obsess over the major events and decisions in life. I am sure this will be no different. I am also sure there will probably be other posts like this in the future.