*older daughter mentioned
*sorry it's so very long!
Here we are, finally, officially, staring down the end of our TTC
journey. Although it's really been
months in the making, we just couldn't seem to bring ourselves to truly broach
the subject with each other, not until this week. After being benched through a
long summer/fall of investigating various medical issues I've been having -
weird light headedness, headaches, dizziness with CT and MRI scans showing
nothing definitive to explain it all, and spotting/bleeding for all but a few
days every cycle, I think we had started to come to terms with the fact that we
might not actually TTC again but just couldn't admit that we'd come the that place. As perfect as we are
together, one of our faults is that we tend to be indecisive, as if we don't
want to hurt the others' feelings by making a decision they might dislike. This
can be funny, as when it takes us an hour to decide where to go out for
supper or what movie to watch and we both try to wait each other out to force a decision. Or it can be exasperating, as when we avoid
discussing something major for fear of not seeming supportive or feeling like
we might be pressuring the other to our way of thinking.
Our serious discussion over the last couple of days was triggered by my OB visit on Monday; like
my head scans, my testing results to find out why I'm bleeding all the time (bloodwork, ultrasounds, paps, and a cervical
biopsy) are mostly inconclusive. No
cancer or cysts or such, which of course is a huge relief, but nothing really
to explain my constant bleeding other than that I seem to have a hormonal
imbalance causing an 'unstable endometrial layer' that is always in a state of being sloughed off. Basically, my OB wants me to go back on BC.
Given that my bleeding is just getting worse with time (I spotted/bled from Sept.
15-Oct. 20, including having two distinct, heavy, clotty periods only 18 days
apart within that timeframe), I clearly need to get my hormones straightened
out somehow and just stop all this bleeding. I keep thinking of that joke about 'not trusting anything that bleeds for 7 days and doesn't die', and imagine myself to be the most untrustworthy person out there! Yeah, that's my weird sense of humour at play, classic 'humour as deflection' coping strategy!
At any rate, my OB outlined the range of what we could try, from low-dose BCP all the way
through to burning out my uterine lining or performing a hysterectomy. Scary to
even hear those last two as serious options, needless to say! We settled on a higher dose BCP
(Marvelon) and will give it four months to see if it helps to alleviate my
bleeding, then go from there. I'm a wee bit skeptical as I was on Marvelon before we started TTC and would have a five or six day 'mini-period' in the middle of every pill pack then, but he said it's a good place to start as I was on it before for years without other problems and so, as a non-smoker, the concern about blood clots with higher dose hormones isn't as great. It's a starting point anyways, so we'll see. He wasn't at all optimistic about the possibility
of TTC again down the road, saying even if the BCP works to control my bleeding,
he felt once I came off of it I would just have the same bleeding problems
again, and that would clearly be a hindrance to any success TTC; he can't
control my bleeding without involving some measure of birth control, anything
that helps the bleeding won't be conducive to TTC, and the bleeding itself is
not allowing me to get KU anyways.
Catch-22 of epic proportions.
To be honest, though, hearing the OB all but say TTC would not be in our future
almost felt like a relief, like outside confirmation of what we've been feeling
for a long time now, like my body is just done and despite all our efforts
there was really no chance at success, like we gave it our all and the decision
to stop has really been made for us.
Hubby started a new practicum this week so couldn't come with me to the
OB appointment, so I had to report back to him and from there we finally
brought the whole issue out into the open. It was tough and involved so many tears on my part, but we were both completely honest in letting our thoughts and concerns see the light of day for once. It
seems we've both been floating for months in a kind of limbo, both of us
feeling like it was time to call it quits but afraid to voice it for fear the
other might still really want to keep TTC and would be hurt by the other not
being on the same page. I know it seems
stupid, but we just really needed to hear that it was ok to stop TTC, in fact that it
would actually be ill-advised to continue.
It took so much of the pressure and guilt off of us as we explored where
we're at and came to find we really were on the same page after all.
Ultimately, after over two years of thinking of almost nothing but TTC and then
our loss, we're feeling rather exhausted and lost ourselves. The continued pain and heartache of TTC
without success, not to mention the age factor looming over us, has been making
us pretty miserable - me outwardly, him more inwardly as he tries to stay
strong for my sake. Hubby admitted he
has been having a pretty hard time dealing with worrying about me and my
health, not to mention his vast fear of another complication threatening my
life if I were to get KU again. He still
has nightmares about the events surrounding our loss: taking my panicked and incoherent call at work to try to get him to the hospital before I was whisked away; following my sirens-on ambulance to the city for my emergency
surgery and seeing it all of a sudden stop by the side of the road so they
could stabilize me, scared to the core that I was dead or dying or else why would they stop; waiting those agonizing hours through my surgery. I often think we don't realize quite how traumatic
it can be for our guys to have to sit by helplessly and watch us go through the scary physical
aspects of loss, as well as the aftermath of testing, procedures, and sheer roller coaster
of emotions that TTCAL brings. Anyways, through it all we both feel like we
need to let things go and just enjoy life and each other once again. It took us
35+ years just to find each other, another four years to meld our long-distance
lives to finally be together, and then we jumped into TTC right after our wedding - our
life together has really just begun, it's time to reconnect and move on.
Of course, as ok as I am with the decision, or at least coming to terms with
the finality of it, it's made me sadder than I can even begin to explain. I still mourn our loss deeply, and the future
we anticipated but will never have because of it. I hate that my hubby will never get to be a
'daddy' - he'd be an amazing one I know - and that his mom will never get to
experience having grandbabies. I have my
daughter from a previous marriage and she's wonderful, but she's not his - she
was 13 when we met, her own father is still very much in her life, and she's
now 20 and living away going to school. He will just never be a father in
the truest sense of the word, and that to me is the most painful part of all of
this.
In the end, though, I am extremely grateful.
Grateful for all that I have, my family and friends who are so dear to
me. I'm grateful for the beautiful and
loving man that is my husband, where his ultimate care is not for himself but
for me; as much as we both want a child together, he will not risk me or my
health for that no matter what, and he will not allow me to feel guilty on his
behalf. He loves me so dearly, and he
looks forward to seeing what life brings us together. I really can't ask for any more than this!
I'm also so eternally grateful for TTCAL and the amazing and fantastic women here
who have helped me through it all, I truly don't know how I would have done it
without you. Although I've withdrawn
from the board somewhat in recent months, I know I won't leave entirely - not
yet, anyways. I still care so much for
this board and its members, and hope I can continue to offer whatever support
and experience I can. I just can't say it loud enough, but thank you, thank
you, THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for being the beautiful, fierce,
supportive, and strong women that you are!
And of course, to deflect with some humour and a nod to my immense Benedict crush:
Married August 2012. Me: 41 DH: 42
Daughter from previous marriage: 20
BFP 12/19/12:
Ectopic discovered at 8 weeks, right tube removed 01/18/13
June 2013 Testing Results: Progesterone: 31.7, LH: 5, FSH: 5, Estradiol: 161
Clomid cycles Nov. 2013 and Jan, Feb, and March 2014
TTC journey over as of the end of October 2014
All ALers welcome!
Re: It's time to call it - journey's end (older daughter mentioned)
I'm glad you and your husband were able to have that very difficult conversation and come to a decision that you both feel is best. I can only imagine how hard it must have been. Wishing you and YH a beautiful life together. ((Hugs))
And thanks for the Benedict gifs, I him too. So here's one more for your collection ;-)
((Hugs))
DH: 45
BFP #1 3/19/14 EDD 11/29/14 MMC D&C 4/24/14
BFP #2 12/4/14 Beta #1 218 at 12dpo Beta #2 1055 at 16dpo
Saw heartbeat 12/29. Please be a rainbow.
All welcome
Many ((((((((HUGS))))))) and much love coming your way sweetie!
DX Endometriosis 2/2002 (lost left tube due to a cyst), PCOS 6/2010
BFP - 10/18/2012, EDD - 6/26/2013, Baby Girl lost at 22 weeks (T21), D&E 2/15/2013
BFP - 4/23/2014, EDD - 1/2/2015 Twin Boys lost at 12 weeks, M/C 6/25/2014
My chart here All ALers welcome!
PgAL welcome
Married 6/11/2011
Me & Hubby: 34
TTC journey started 12/2012
BFP #1 6/5/2013, MC confirmed 6/26/2013 @ 7 wks
BFP#2 8/25/2013 MC confirmed 10/16/2013 @ 12 wks (D&C 10/18)
Diagnosis: unexplained RPL, unexplained IF.
Also have hypothyroidism
Started TTC again 12/2013
IUI#1:Clomid CD 3-7, Trigger'ed CD 12. IUI CD 14. BFN
IUI #2:Letrozole CD 3 - 7, Follistim CD 9, Trigger CD 10, IUI CD12. BFN
Current plan: IVF with PGD. Antagonist - Vivelle Protocal. Stim start 12/1. ER 12/14.
http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/502498
TTC since March 2012
BFP #1 1/29/13, EDD 10/9/13
BFP #3 8/11/14 EDD 4/22/14
BFP #1- 4/2011; DD Brynn born 12/2011
BFP #2- 7/13; EDD- 4/2/14; Lost DS at 20 weeks (11/16/13) due to cord accident
BFP #3- 3/14; EDD- 11/28/14; Lost DD at 15 weeks (6/7/14)- cause unknown
To my angels- I held you every second of your lives and I'll love you every second of mine.
Me 34 DH 31, Together since 2003, Married August 20, 2011, TTC since May 2013
BFP #1 August 24, 2013! MMC discovered Oct. 3, 2013, D&C Oct. 4, 2013
BFP #2 December 17, 2013! MMC discovered Jan. 28, 2014, D&C Jan. 30, 2014
Testing done: male with complete Trisomy 16, not hereditary. Tested me for clotting disorders, all normal.
Feb. 2014 all clear again to TTC! Will start progesterone supplementation with the next BFP just in case. Oct. 2014 more testing just because, thyroid and autoimmune panels = normal. Diagnostic U/S = no abnormalities. Will keep trying for 3-6 more months, doctor still optimistic!
BFP #3 December 11, 2014! Beta #1 14DPO = 122.4 Beta #2 17DPO = 296.8 Please stick little one and be our Rainbow!
Perfect little heartbeat of 156 seen 1/7/15
***Everybody Welcomed***
EDD 8/21/2015 Team Green!
I'm so sorry you've reached the end of your journey but I hope that getting everything out in the open will bring peace to you and DH.
08/2011: Clomid 50mg, IUI --> BFN ,
10/2011: Clomid 100mg, IUI --> BFN
04/13: Clomid, IUI BFP --> MC at 6w1d
05/13: Femara 2.5mg, IUI --> BFN , 08/13: Femara 2.5mg --> BFN
03/14: Femara 5mg, IUI --> 1 follicle @ 27d --> BFP! EDD 12/02/14--> blighted ovum, missed MC 6w6d --> D&C
4/23: D&C...starting over again, with a little part of my heart broken off
7/14: Femara 5mg + brevelle + menopur + IUI --> converted to IVF, ER 7/28 --> ET cancelled due to severe OHSS.
9/20/14: Frozen Embryo Transfer --> BFP--> EDD 6/6/15 --> MC at 5w3d
10/16/14: Frozen Embryo Transfer --> BFN
2/6/15: Frozen Embryo Transfer --> BFP --> MC at 5w4d
3/20/16: PGS-tested Frozen Embryo Transfer --> BFP, Living Child born 12/1/15
6/6/17: Fresh IVF Cycle --> Severe OHSS, 5 PGS-tested embryos frozen
2/23/18: PGS-tested FET --> BFN
3/30/18: Cancelled cycle due to lining 4.2mm
Began trying for a baby January 2012
BFP 4.25.2013 EDD 1.3.2014 MMC 6.3.2013 D&C 6.19.2013
BFP 11.3.2013 CP 11.6.2013
BFP 3.31.2014 EDD 12.10.2014 Baby boy Carlson born 12.19.2014
IUI#4 1/23/13 on 75iu x9 Follistim = BFP then chem preg m/c (Feb 2013)
IUI#5 BFN (April 2013)
S/PAIFW , S/PALW
My Blog
The day the Bump died - Jasper is wise
My Ovulation Chart
Kathryn Miller Ridiman, Midwifery Today 1997
my chart
Good luck with your new journey.
I, for one, don't want to see you ever leave (I'm selfish like that). Mostly it's because, you were my go to when i first started on the board. Your ran the newbie check in, and, well, you rocked it! So many ((hugs))and lots of love.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
TTC #1 since June 2012
Current Status: IVF with ICSI and PGS
Genetic, RPL, SA and Fertility testing = Normal/Good HSG = All Clear
BFP #1 12.30.2012 || Blighted Ovum 02.05.2013 || D&C 02.11.2013
BFP #2 09.10.2013 || c/p 09.12.2013
BFP #3 12.1.2013 || mm/c 01.15.14 || D&C 01.21.14 chromosome abnormality
May 2014: Residual HCG and retained tissue found
05.13.2014: Hysteroscopy D&C to find and remove retained tissue
June 2014: Tissue sample results indicate a partial molar pregnancy
May - Aug 2014: TTA for monitoring and testing
08.21.2014: Hysteroscopy to remove minor scar tissue - the result of 3 D&Cs
Sept/Oct: IUI #1 Femara + Bravelle + Ovidrel = BFN
Oct/Nov: IUI #2 Femara + Ovidrel = BFN
Nov/Dec: IUI #3 Femara + Bravelle + Ovidrel = BFN
My Ovulation Chart || *~*~All AL Welcome~*~* || DIY Blog
Of course I'm sorry to see your ttc journey come to an end, but I wish you and your DH so many great years of connecting ahead
4 Losses (2003, 2008, Apr 2012, & Oct 2012)
All RPL and IF testing with multiple REs = normal
5 IUIs = BFN
All AL are welcome
Many, many (((HUGS))) to you GS. I am sorry you have reached this fork in your journey, but you are so blessed to have someone as strong and supportive as YH to travel this road with. You have been such an important part of this board and you will be missed. I wish you much peace, love and health as you continue in life.
TTC Since 04/01/13
BFP #1 04/28/13 Its twins! EDD 01/08/2014 MMC confirmed 06/27/13 D&C 07/17/13
BFP#2 05/19/14 EDD 01/30/2015 Please be our rainbow!
My Ovulation Chart
*~*~* All AL Welcome*~*~*
Dx: Me: Recurrent Pregnancy Loss; DH: Low Morphology (2%)
BFP#1: MC 3/1/11 at 6w1d - EDD 10/21/11
BFP#3: MC 2/8/14 at 4w5d - EDD 10/13/14
BFP#6: CP 11/6/14 at 4w2d - EDD 7/14/15
IVF #1 with ICSI & PGS: May/June 2015, ER 6/3/15, 17R/17M/15F
IVF #2 with ICSI & PGS: July 2015, ER 7/16/15, 16R/11M/9F
PGS results = 6 normal embryos (4 boys, 2 girls)
FET 9/23/15 = BFFN
BFP #1: EDD 05/27/2014 (D&C 10/17/2014)
TTC #3 since June 2013
BFP #1 7/21/2013--EDD 3/30/14--D&C 9/24/13
BFP #2 1/28/14--MC 2/7/14
IUI #1 5mg Femara + trigger = BFN
IUI #2 5mg Femara + trigger = BFN
IUI #3 5mg Femara + trigger = BFN
***Siggy Warning - loss mentioned***
*S15 Siggy January Siggy Challenge - Happy Dance*
ME: 32 DH: 38
BFP#1 - 7/18/14; EDD 3/23/14; MMC 8/11/14 (passed naturally on 8/17/14)
BFP#2 - 12/29/14; EDD 9/10/15 *PLEASE BE OUR RAINBOW!*
me = 32 DH = 33
TFAS
BFP2 august 2014 ended in m/c .... Gone but not forgotten....forever in my heart!Slight MFI low count, morph, mobility
More hugs girl. Take it day by day.
Married August 2012. Me: 41 DH: 42
Daughter from previous marriage: 20
BFP 12/19/12: Ectopic discovered at 8 weeks, right tube removed 01/18/13
June 2013 Testing Results: Progesterone: 31.7, LH: 5, FSH: 5, Estradiol: 161
Clomid cycles Nov. 2013 and Jan, Feb, and March 2014
TTC journey over as of the end of October 2014
TTCAL BLOG
All ALers welcome!
I am so proud of the conclusions you have made and the courage you are showing.
DD: 10 (born August 2004)
Married 03/01/14
TTC#2
BFP: 05/17/2014 EDD: 1/25/15 MMC: 06/30/2014