to be or not to be... a SAHP

mrs&mrsk · October 2014

We are still on the fence (for DW). Just curious about other peoples' experiences!

Any thoughts?

What influenced your decision to be or not to be a SAHP? Any final reasons to push you to one side or another?

What financial struggles did you overcome & how? Or generally, how do you make it work?

Do you work at all/ part time or gigs?

How does the SAHP feel about having to "live" off the other?

TIA

KH826 · October 2014

So, I will start out by saying that I am not the SAHP, my wife is. So she would likely answer some of these questions a bit differently... with that said, here are my responses from my perspective.

*We decided pre-TTC that my wife would be a SAHM. She felt super strongly about not putting our kids in daycare (I am in NO WAY criticizing those who have kids in daycare, by the way -- she just didn't want it for our kids), and I agreed once we took a look at finances. My wife is a social worker, and decent daycare monthly for 1 kid equals about 75% of what her net monthly income was. Add a second kiddo, and it was actually cost prohibitive for her to NOT become a SAHM.

*Being a SAHP is NOT for everyone. I would never thrive in that role, personally. I know that about myself. My wife, on the other hand, was made for this. This is her dream job. She rocks at it, and she and Will are both very happy due to this decision. It was the right fit for our family.

*Financially, 90% of our "needs" have been covered by my income for many, many years. We have always kept our finances separate, and in some ways that has really helped us to budget. I knew exactly what my income was covering and what it wasn't, because we had (and still have) separate accounts. Now, I pay all the bills and the money she has in her personal checking account is just used for miscellaneous stuff she wants. Eventually there will come a time when her account dwindles and we need to address whether or not it makes sense for us to transfer money into it periodically. We have a few joint credit cards, and she will use those if she needs to make a bigger purchase when I am not around. This system, for now, doesn't seem to bother her. She just tells me what she spends and I tell her if she needs to spend less HAHA!

NOTE: She stopped working in early July, so it has been less than 4 months since she stopped getting a paycheck. I will let you know in a year if our system has changed!

*In terms of the adjustments to account for the loss of income... we have dipped our toes into couponing, but we are still learning ways to save on groceries and the like. We have cut back on a lot of the "extra" stuff we used to buy, which is fine. I switched our car insurance and saved us about $100 a month there. We also got rid of the TV (and associated cable box and DVR) in our bedroom that we never watched. That saves us about $20 a month. We have been working on getting our electric bill down a bit, and last month was about $15 cheaper! It's all little stuff, but it adds up in the end. We are eating out less. We didn't buy each other gifts for our anniversary (just flowers and a home cooked meal and baby snuggles was all we really needed). We haven't taken a vacation in a long time, and we don't have anything really on the horizon that will require airfare or hotel fare.

*My wife has talked a lot about doing some part time work, but she hasn't found anything yet that is really doable, and we don't want to sacrifice our family time (i.e. have her work a night or weekend job periodically)... she has talked casually about trying to start a photography business. She has also talked about starting an Etsy shop for some of her arts & crafts work (that she currently just does for us!).... I think eventually she will settle on something that will bring in enough income to give her "spending money" just for herself, but that my income will continue to support us until all of our kids are in school full time. Then she does plan to go back to work at least part time (so that we can save for college funds, braces, fun family vacations, and all the "extras" that will likely just be too much on my income alone). Oh, and so I can maybe retire some day.

*My student loans (which are ginormous) will be paid off in 8 years (unless I can manage to do it sooner)... this will likely align with when my wife is able to start back to work when we have kiddos in school. I look forward to the day when I no longer have student loans and my wife is earning a pay check again -- it is going to feel like hitting the lotto!

mrs&mrsk · October 2014

We are in a very similar boat to you.
Also, We do have help (retired parent and sahm sister in law) but I don't want to rely on them 5 days a week.
Originally Dw was going to stay home but then she got a promotion. Part of the decision is whether or not it will hurt her career long term.
Dw would stay on call- a big step back -and maybe a part time doing retail and/or increasing her cake making business (currently on back burner) -- for spending money and to keep me feeling not "kid poor".
We would also lose her insurance, which paid for iuis. She would have to go back to full time before we could have another Lo.
It's a tough call!!!

KH826 · October 2014

Ah yes, forgot to mention that we were both already on my insurance. So far it honestly hasn't been a big change for us, but it also hasn't been that long yet either. Ask me again in a few months!

Jazibel · October 2014

I've been a SAHP for 2.5 years. Before we even started TTC we felt strongly that we wanted one of us to stay home with our kids for the first few years. Honestly back then I thought it would be EV who stayed home, but as luck would have it her career took off and she made considerably more than I did by the time the decision needed to be made.

When I left work I still wasn't 100% sure I wanted to stay home, I didn't know if I would get stir crazy and just need to go back to work, so I left that option open until I was certain it was the right fit.

EV makes good money but to be honest it's still a stretch for us. We also ahem... decided to skip off to Roatan in 2013 and bought a house there.... I know.. I know... So that tied up all our savings. (Blushes) That was maybe not the move I'd make if I were to go back in time. Not that it's not a great investment... But right now having $ in the bank would mean more. So that's to say if you have the opportunity to make an investment it might be better to follow @KH826's advice.

Our assets are all joint. It was weird (and still sometimes is) to not be earning any money. To basically need permission to do things (in the eyes of financial institutions, etc.). I mean how 1950's.

We've always been more comfortable when I've been earning even just a little money. I've done in-home daycare, consulting and went to work for an former employer for a few months. I even drove for a community-based non-taxi service on weekends. :-) Even a few hundred dollars per month feels like extra, and lets us treat ourselves to meals out, etc. Also I personally love having "something else" going on. I stay busy with two kids, and network with friends, parent groups, etc. But I love being engaged and excited about something tied to other kinds of work. Right now I'm hoping I will earn some money from a catering company I'm launching with a friend who is a chef.

My professional prospects definitely took a hit - especially after 2.5 years. It's not insurmountable, but it's reality. I was even finishing an MBA during that time, and doing some consulting but it's not the same as being plugged-in. When I see where EV is compared to where I am its a big difference. I'm not jealous - she has earned it and works super hard. But I can't get those 2.5 years of climbing the corporate ladder back. And I have a gap on my resume. Still I wouldn't trade getting to spend time with my boys for a different path.

Good luck with your decision.

2momsinCA · October 2014

As of right now both k and I are STAPs, I took 8 months off work and k left her job as soon as the boys were born. When we found out it was twins we strongly considered having K stay home since the cost of daycare would be ridiculous. When they arrived so prematurely it was settled, they definitely could not go into daycare because their immune systems will not be as strong as their peers for the first couple years. Financially it is difficult but not impossible and my family helps out a lot. We had to make this choice for the boys' health.

AandStilltrying · October 2014

I will be a SAHP as of Dec. 18th as that was the best and most professional thing for me to do with bein a teacher. That's our last day before Winter break which last until the end of Jan. Boys will be born in Jan. At some point.

I gave my boss tons of notice so she would have time to find a replacement. I'm a music teacher, so it's harder to put a random sub in the room and have quality learning going on as certified music subs are hard to come by.

Sarah's boss is giving her a raise and is paying for my insurance and the boys. He has been so incredibly kind to us. This alone makes it work for us.

I'm still planning to teach private music lessons on Saturdays for extra income. Not sure how many of my current students will be willing to switch to a Saturday schedule but we will see.

The plan once kids start preschool is to sub at least half days, or possibly try to get back into teaching. Once they are in K, then I will see where we are financially and make that call.

I'm also looking at cutting insurance costs, tv, and phone bills. One big thing that helped us, was the last 6 months since being pregnant, we have thrown my entire paycheck into savings to see if it was doable. This has also provided a nice nest egg! Since our previous nest egg went to TTC.

Officerofthelaw · October 2014

We are not parents yet but my wife will be a sahm. There are many reasons for our decision but the main reason is safety. I'm a law enforcement officer and I see things that happen in daycares that others don't. Not to scare anyone because I'm sure there are some great daycares out there, but there are a lot of bad ones. Financial is not an issue. I don't want someone else raising our child and since I am able to provide for my family without my wife working, this option worked best for us. My wife is a photographer and has her own business so she can make her schedule for the most part. I will be carrying the baby and she will be the mom at home with the baby while I'm working. I think this is important because a bond will be formed even though she will not biologically be the child's mother. So there were quite a few reasons we decided the sahm.

2brides · October 2014

Even with the cost of a nanny for the boys, we never considered being SAHP. L has always out earned me by a long shot and like PP's wife, I am a social worker and our nanny was probably 75% of my income for the first 3y. We decided that while I would be working for nearly free for a few years, it would 1) be short term in the grand scheme of things 2) I really love my job (still do!) 3) It would be hard to get back in once I left 4) I would not be happy as a SAHP.

It just works for us to be work out of the home. I think L would have ROCKED the SAHP gig, but financially we couldn't afford to live on my salary and she really enjoys working.

Belovedvirgo0209 · October 2014

Heather was a STAM when we adopted Adasyn.She stayed home and I worked full time. She would work my two days off.We did that for 6 months and then Heathers hour changed and she went back to work full time. We tried a friend of a friend she watched Addy for 6 weeks but one day we sent my cousin to pick her up and Addy was already in her car seat sitting by the door we didn't tell the sitter who was coming for her or what time.So after that I refused to send her back.I had no clue how long my child was left strapped in her car seat.So after that my aunt left her job and became a sitter for us . Now with two kids we pay her 20/day for both girls you can't beat that deal and its my aunt who I grew up with she took care of me and my sister all the time because my mom was a single parent and had 2 jobs.If my aunt hadn't left her job I would have quit my job and stayed home,After Averie was born I was suppose to stay home for 6 months like Heather did but things didn't work out like that but hopefully with some very strong budgeting I will able to take a leave from work and stay home and continue with school.

Like people have said its not for everyone and you have to do what is best for your own family. I personally won't put my girls in day care,but not saying it is bad too.I went to daycare until I started school and then after school we would be at my aunts and to be honest I have no ill memories of day care so it isn't bad just not for everyone.I don't think I'm a bad parent because I have to leave the girls everyday.I miss them like crazy but I know they are safe and being well cared for. It also comforts me knowing family is watching them esp. Addy she is 2 and we have concerns about autism and she can be very difficult to handle sometimes and I fear how a day care setting would handle her.Plus they get to see their cousins all the time.

mrs&mrsk · October 2014

winstan1 said:

Im sure most partner's 401k and so on go to each other or the child or some combo... but if your partner died or became disabled, could you afford to stay home and maintain your lifestyle? Most people would have to reenter the work force in some capacity. If so, do you still have the skill and networking to do so?

This is something DW brought up too.

KH826 · October 2014

winstan1 said:

Im sure most partner's 401k and so on go to each other or the child or some combo... but if your partner died or became disabled, could you afford to stay home and maintain your lifestyle? Most people would have to reenter the work force in some capacity. If so, do you still have the skill and networking to do so?

We have thought about this a lot too... but honestly, we decided for us that we have to live in the moment (albeit responsibly) and not live our lives based on "what ifs"... I have a big 401k savings for my age, I also have a good life insurance policy, plus there are assets my wife could liquidate if something happened to me. All in all, if I died tomorrow, my wife would have access to the equivalent of about 18 months of my current salary. That would give her time to figure out her next move, etc. Is it ideal? No. But it is the best safeguard that we have, and for us right now it is enough. We also have a loving family, and god forbid if something happened to me, I know that my wife wouldn't be left out in the cold. She would have to return to the workforce, but she would have plenty of time and options to do so in the way that was right for her and our son.

My wife is a licensed social worker. She plans to keep up with her license/CEUs even while she is not working. While she will have a gap on her resume, it is one that can be easily explained, and hopefully her continued education, etc. would keep her marketable.

That being said, once we have multiple children, should something happen to me, she would really struggle to provide on her social worker's salary alone. Yes, it's a risk. However, we cannot live our lives in fear. Let's hope that we never have to worry about this situation realistically; however, if something tragic ever did happen, I know that while it would be difficult, things would work out.

Right now, the benefit of having her home with our son (and future children) full time is worth any risk outlined above. I will just have to keep working on trying to win the lotto... if only I played!

firstcomeslove2013 · October 2014

I have been meaning to chime in on this thread! The company I was working for downsized 2 years ago and we decided I would take the severance package and stay home. We we in the beginning stages of our TTC process so we were SURE we would be pregnant right away...cut to two years later and we are due in December. Needless to say things didn't go the way we planned.

At any rate, I finished my MBA and then started watching kids in our home. I am now down to just my niece and I also work from home for a laundry company. We made things work. I think that flexibility is the name of the game and ensuring that you are ready for whatever is thrown at you...which can be stressful but after our TTC journey we expect the unexpected and things are working great for us!

mrs&mrsk · October 2014

We sat down and went over numbers last night, and it looks like we can get it figured out

DW will still work occasionally and/or nights to make sure we are really OK but we can figure it out either way. Pretty exciting

Want a personalized experience?

to be or not to be... a SAHP

Re: to be or not to be... a SAHP

Choose Another Board

Search Boards