LGBT Parenting
mrs&mrsk
member
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to be or not to be... a SAHP
mrs&mrsk
member
We are still on the fence (for DW). Just curious about other peoples' experiences!
Any thoughts?
What influenced your decision to be or not to be a SAHP? Any final reasons to push you to one side or another?
What financial struggles did you overcome & how? Or generally, how do you make it work?
Do you work at all/ part time or gigs?
How does the SAHP feel about having to "live" off the other?
TIA
Married 9~20~13
L- 34 M- 29
First IUI (L) 5/27/2014 triggered- BFP
Singleton due 2/17/15
... cantAloupe ...
This discussion has been closed.
Re: to be or not to be... a SAHP
So, I will start out by saying that I am not the SAHP, my wife is. So she would likely answer some of these questions a bit differently... with that said, here are my responses from my perspective.
*We decided pre-TTC that my wife would be a SAHM. She felt super strongly about not putting our kids in daycare (I am in NO WAY criticizing those who have kids in daycare, by the way -- she just didn't want it for our kids), and I agreed once we took a look at finances. My wife is a social worker, and decent daycare monthly for 1 kid equals about 75% of what her net monthly income was. Add a second kiddo, and it was actually cost prohibitive for her to NOT become a SAHM.
*Being a SAHP is NOT for everyone. I would never thrive in that role, personally. I know that about myself. My wife, on the other hand, was made for this. This is her dream job. She rocks at it, and she and Will are both very happy due to this decision. It was the right fit for our family.
*Financially, 90% of our "needs" have been covered by my income for many, many years. We have always kept our finances separate, and in some ways that has really helped us to budget. I knew exactly what my income was covering and what it wasn't, because we had (and still have) separate accounts. Now, I pay all the bills and the money she has in her personal checking account is just used for miscellaneous stuff she wants. Eventually there will come a time when her account dwindles and we need to address whether or not it makes sense for us to transfer money into it periodically. We have a few joint credit cards, and she will use those if she needs to make a bigger purchase when I am not around. This system, for now, doesn't seem to bother her. She just tells me what she spends and I tell her if she needs to spend less HAHA!
NOTE: She stopped working in early July, so it has been less than 4 months since she stopped getting a paycheck. I will let you know in a year if our system has changed!
*In terms of the adjustments to account for the loss of income... we have dipped our toes into couponing, but we are still learning ways to save on groceries and the like. We have cut back on a lot of the "extra" stuff we used to buy, which is fine. I switched our car insurance and saved us about $100 a month there. We also got rid of the TV (and associated cable box and DVR) in our bedroom that we never watched. That saves us about $20 a month. We have been working on getting our electric bill down a bit, and last month was about $15 cheaper! It's all little stuff, but it adds up in the end. We are eating out less. We didn't buy each other gifts for our anniversary (just flowers and a home cooked meal and baby snuggles was all we really needed). We haven't taken a vacation in a long time, and we don't have anything really on the horizon that will require airfare or hotel fare.
*My wife has talked a lot about doing some part time work, but she hasn't found anything yet that is really doable, and we don't want to sacrifice our family time (i.e. have her work a night or weekend job periodically)... she has talked casually about trying to start a photography business. She has also talked about starting an Etsy shop for some of her arts & crafts work (that she currently just does for us!).... I think eventually she will settle on something that will bring in enough income to give her "spending money" just for herself, but that my income will continue to support us until all of our kids are in school full time. Then she does plan to go back to work at least part time (so that we can save for college funds, braces, fun family vacations, and all the "extras" that will likely just be too much on my income alone). Oh, and so I can maybe retire some day.
*My student loans (which are ginormous) will be paid off in 8 years (unless I can manage to do it sooner)... this will likely align with when my wife is able to start back to work when we have kiddos in school. I look forward to the day when I no longer have student loans and my wife is earning a pay check again -- it is going to feel like hitting the lotto!
Me - 30, My wife - 31 , Together for 10 yrs - Married August 2012
5 medicated IUIs w/ RE (March - July 2013) = BFN
Fresh IVF Cycle in September 2013 resulted in 18 mature eggs, 16 fertilized, 12 made it to day 5. Transfer of 2 Grade A blastocysts on 9/15/13, and 10 embryos in the freezer! *****BFP on 9/25/13 - betas: @10dp5dt = 232; @12dp5dt = 465; @15dp5dt = 1,581 *********William George born June 4, 2014*********Also, We do have help (retired parent and sahm sister in law) but I don't want to rely on them 5 days a week.
Originally Dw was going to stay home but then she got a promotion. Part of the decision is whether or not it will hurt her career long term.
Dw would stay on call- a big step back -and maybe a part time doing retail and/or increasing her cake making business (currently on back burner) -- for spending money and to keep me feeling not "kid poor".
We would also lose her insurance, which paid for iuis. She would have to go back to full time before we could have another Lo.
It's a tough call!!!
Me - 30, My wife - 31 , Together for 10 yrs - Married August 2012
5 medicated IUIs w/ RE (March - July 2013) = BFN
Fresh IVF Cycle in September 2013 resulted in 18 mature eggs, 16 fertilized, 12 made it to day 5. Transfer of 2 Grade A blastocysts on 9/15/13, and 10 embryos in the freezer! *****BFP on 9/25/13 - betas: @10dp5dt = 232; @12dp5dt = 465; @15dp5dt = 1,581 *********William George born June 4, 2014*********A & K, married 7/1/13.
After 10 months of ttc via medicated IUIs and two early losses, we finally got our boys- Perfect premie twins born 5/27/14.
I gave my boss tons of notice so she would have time to find a replacement. I'm a music teacher, so it's harder to put a random sub in the room and have quality learning going on as certified music subs are hard to come by.
Sarah's boss is giving her a raise and is paying for my insurance and the boys. He has been so incredibly kind to us. This alone makes it work for us.
I'm still planning to teach private music lessons on Saturdays for extra income. Not sure how many of my current students will be willing to switch to a Saturday schedule but we will see.
The plan once kids start preschool is to sub at least half days, or possibly try to get back into teaching. Once they are in K, then I will see where we are financially and make that call.
I'm also looking at cutting insurance costs, tv, and phone bills. One big thing that helped us, was the last 6 months since being pregnant, we have thrown my entire paycheck into savings to see if it was doable. This has also provided a nice nest egg! Since our previous nest egg went to TTC.
It just works for us to be work out of the home. I think L would have ROCKED the SAHP gig, but financially we couldn't afford to live on my salary and she really enjoys working.
We have thought about this a lot too... but honestly, we decided for us that we have to live in the moment (albeit responsibly) and not live our lives based on "what ifs"... I have a big 401k savings for my age, I also have a good life insurance policy, plus there are assets my wife could liquidate if something happened to me. All in all, if I died tomorrow, my wife would have access to the equivalent of about 18 months of my current salary. That would give her time to figure out her next move, etc. Is it ideal? No. But it is the best safeguard that we have, and for us right now it is enough. We also have a loving family, and god forbid if something happened to me, I know that my wife wouldn't be left out in the cold. She would have to return to the workforce, but she would have plenty of time and options to do so in the way that was right for her and our son.
My wife is a licensed social worker. She plans to keep up with her license/CEUs even while she is not working. While she will have a gap on her resume, it is one that can be easily explained, and hopefully her continued education, etc. would keep her marketable.
That being said, once we have multiple children, should something happen to me, she would really struggle to provide on her social worker's salary alone. Yes, it's a risk. However, we cannot live our lives in fear. Let's hope that we never have to worry about this situation realistically; however, if something tragic ever did happen, I know that while it would be difficult, things would work out.
Right now, the benefit of having her home with our son (and future children) full time is worth any risk outlined above. I will just have to keep working on trying to win the lotto... if only I played!
Me - 30, My wife - 31 , Together for 10 yrs - Married August 2012
5 medicated IUIs w/ RE (March - July 2013) = BFN
Fresh IVF Cycle in September 2013 resulted in 18 mature eggs, 16 fertilized, 12 made it to day 5. Transfer of 2 Grade A blastocysts on 9/15/13, and 10 embryos in the freezer! *****BFP on 9/25/13 - betas: @10dp5dt = 232; @12dp5dt = 465; @15dp5dt = 1,581 *********William George born June 4, 2014*********At any rate, I finished my MBA and then started watching kids in our home. I am now down to just my niece and I also work from home for a laundry company. We made things work. I think that flexibility is the name of the game and ensuring that you are ready for whatever is thrown at you...which can be stressful but after our TTC journey we expect the unexpected and things are working great for us!
Queer coupled and having a BABY with the love of my life! Love my life and wouldn't have it any other way!
First IUI 1/22/2013 BFN: 2/7/2013, Second IUI 2/21/2013 BFN: 3/9/2013, Third IUI 4/23/2013 BFN: 5/8/2013, Fourth IUI 5/24/2013 BFN: 6/7/2013, Fifth IUI 6/24/2013 BFN: 7/8/2013
C began IUI's
7/23/2013 C's first IUI BFN, 8/21/2013 C's second IUI BFN , Took a break in September and October, 11/05/2013 C's 3rd IUI (TWW...we meet again...) BFN, Took off the month to switch to an RE. 01/01/2014 C's 4th IUI...BFP!!!!!!!! Beta #1- 17, Beta #2- 34, Beta #3-140.... 6W Ultra-Sound Reveals nothing in Gestation Sack... Natural M/C at 7W, 2/3/2014
03/21/2014 IUI #10...BFP!!! Beta #1- 48, Beta #2- 416, Beta #3- 1018. GROW BABY GROW!!!
1st Ultrasound 4/22/2014 Baby Squints is PERFECT! Measuring at 6w2d with a heartbeat of 129. EDD: 12/12/14.
Ultrasound at 18 weeks on 7/14/2014. Baby is healthy and growing just as she should!
Check out my blog at: http://journeytoparenthoodandmakingmilk.blogspot.com/