NBR: Mom's on a budget- Wedding gift advice? (SS warning)

MrsRahl · October 2014

So for you SAHM/Mom's on a budget out there, I have a question for you. I am not working and SAHM, we have a combined checking and it has worked for us like that for years even before we got married, so that isn't the issue. I'm in a wedding and throughout I've had to explain multiple times to the bride that we are on a tight monthly budget with little room for out of the ordinary expenses. I also explained we are in a lot of debt from LO's hospital bills (about 3k). We discussed it before I accepted, and I agreed to a set amount of things like hair, dress, shower, etc. I wanted to be up front and fair to her. So to make a long story short, shes added crazy things like upping the bridal shower budget to $250 each (which is over and I paid) adding makeup to be done ($60) not to mention updos at a place that are $80. Point is I'm tapped out and have not given her any grief up until this point. So my REAL question is, how much would you give as a cash gift as a couple after all of this? I thought about just buying something off of her registry and using a Bed Bath and Beyond coupon to save a little. What would you ladies do/give? What is fair when you're in a wedding or on a tight budget?

ETA: Sorry for being a SS here!

MrsRahl · October 2014

tdmrs said:
Cash gift? Never heard of that. I would just get something off the registry that is in your price range.

Most people give money as gifts for weddings. That's what I mean by cash gift

do you not do that where you're from? (Just know there's ladies from all over the world on here

)

tbmadeamistake · October 2014

I'd buy something off her registry that you can afford and call it a day. Cash gifts tend to be regional and aren't necessary where I am.

texasmama2014 · October 2014

Where I live gifts at the wedding are out of the norm, if you give one at the shower one isn't expected at the wedding. According to etiquette sites this is correct, I am from the North and I live in Texas, and had never heard of this before my wedding.

My answer: if it were me I'd do a cheap(in your budget) registry gift.

elsa1688 · October 2014

I would give what you can afford from the registry, that's why it's there. If the norm is cash, and she's expecting a cash gift from you, I would also anticipate her being upset with you, as it sounds like she's heading into bridezilla territory.

You are being generous and hopefully she will be appreciative of the time and money you are putting into her wedding.

curlylocks3 · October 2014

I would give off the registry (and use a coupon) in that situation. Are you close with any of the other bridesmaids? They might be feeling similarly and it might be an option to do a joint or group gift (or if you've got other good friends that are invited). It would depend on your group dynamic, but my group of 7 girlfriends does this and it's been awesome. Everyone gives what they can afford/are comfortable with and one person takes charge in buying a larger gift off the registry (we've done everyday china, pots and pans and one of those fancy digital cameras for different brides). We've also done this with another group of friends to buy a grill for the bride and groom.

curlylocks3 · October 2014

Also I agree she's sounding like a Bridezilla. Is it an option for you to do your own makeup or hair? I'm fairly untalented hair wise and I've had good luck doing simple updos based on YouTube tutorials and if I were in a wedding could probably swing something more elaborate if I took the time to practice in advance.

MrsRahl · October 2014

Hmm. Interesting everyone's responses! I'm from PA and the norm here is a shower gift and a cash gift for the wedding of the equivalent of the plate (food cost). So usually $50 minimum to $100 per couple, but this isn't a hard rule. I wish we lived where only a shower gift was necessary! She's been super nice about everything but adding things and has expensive taste. The MOH is the real issue for me. But that's a while other story!

MrsRahl · October 2014

curlylocks3 said:
Also I agree she's sounding like a Bridezilla. Is it an option for you to do your own makeup or hair? I'm fairly untalented hair wise and I've had good luck doing simple updos based on YouTube tutorials and if I were in a wedding could probably swing something more elaborate if I took the time to practice in advance.

I got her to agree to let me do my own nails but she wants our hair retro 40s look. She is also being a real PITA with my baby and breastfeeding schedule around the hair and makeup appointment so doing my own is out.

Read247 · October 2014

Ettiquette wise you have a year to get the couple a wedding gift. Since she knows you're on a tight budget I'd just be honest with her and tell her: with all the added expenses I wasn't able to get you a gift, but it's coming!

MrsRahl · October 2014

@saltypearl‌ I know what you're saying. I had a lot of guests give no gift and no card. At least give a card!

@Miss Renee‌ that's crazy! Why did you pay for their dresses? And they got you no gift? Craziness!

Hairstylist16 · October 2014

I work as a hairdresser and don't charge that much for a wedding updo but its not unheard of for some of the wedding party to go different places or to their own hairdresser to get their hair done? Have you called around for hair and makeup? You can even ask to do a practice run or to just stop by and show what your wanting and if that's something they can do.
Also I think you give the gift you can afford? Even consider being a part of her wedding and shelling out all this money as her gift. But if your crafty at all maybe make a gift? Like frame their wedding shower invitation in a scrapbook frame. Pinterest has lots of ideas and with a little time and even less money you could make a really great and unique gift they would love.

brooklyngirl46 · October 2014

I like the idea of the B n B coupon. You can also hunt Homegoods/similar stores for items that you found helpful or important at the start of your marriage. Those times when I've been unable to stick to the registry for budget purposes, I look for a gift that I found to have meaning.

elsa1688 · October 2014

Just clarifying - not that it really a matters, but here (west coast) a gift from the registry is usually expected at the shower and the wedding.

elsa1688 · October 2014

@Hairstylist16‌ love the crafting idea. I've seen a lot of people do that, tons of Pinterest ideas

curlylocks3 · October 2014

mullenem said:
I too love the craft idea. Or find something on etsy that they would like, like a print, and frame it (just get a standard size and buy a frame at Michaels, don't have it professionally framed or anything).

Piggybacking off of this, for our wedding one of my best friends got us a custom, hand drawn map from Etsy and framed it. It's awesome and shows where we met, where we got engaged, where our wedding was and the reception with these sketches of the specific places. Kind of hard to describe without a picture but we love it and have it hanging up across from our frames wedding pictures- and I know she had a tight budget at the time. I hadn't thought to mention it before but I love all the craft suggestions!

MrsRahl · October 2014

@hairstylist16 I'd love to get my hair done someplace else because my mother is a hairdresser!! Unfortunately though she's insisting we don't leave her side and all do everything together to be on her schedule. Trust me I'm about to lose it at this point because I ebf and just found out my kid has a milk protein intolerance and all my stored milk up until this point is not from a dairy free diet. So now I have to pump like a crazy person to have enough by Saturday!

Unfortunately because I waited this long, crafting probably won't happen with little one and work.

but those are some good ideas! I should have just not accepted to be in this wedding in the first place. I'm seriously an idiot and kicking myself. To add, she's allowing other kids to her wedding but not mine.

Savvy122 · October 2014

MrsRahl said:

@hairstylist16 I'd love to get my hair done someplace else because my mother is a hairdresser!! Unfortunately though she's insisting we don't leave her side and all do everything together to be on her schedule. Trust me I'm about to lose it at this point because I ebf and just found out my kid has a milk protein intolerance and all my stored milk up until this point is not from a dairy free diet. So now I have to pump like a crazy person to have enough by Saturday! Unfortunately because I waited this long, crafting probably won't happen with little one and work. but those are some good ideas! I should have just not accepted to be in this wedding in the first place. I'm seriously an idiot and kicking myself. To add, she's allowing other kids to her wedding but not mine.

My goodness. I can't understand how anyone can be so self-centered. I get that it's her wedding day, but really? You can't leave her side? That's ridiculous.

Personally, I'd tell her that your LO is your priority and while you'd love to spend the ENTIRE DAY with her, you've got to put LO first. Get your hair done by your mom, do your own makeup, feed your baby, and meet up with the rest of the wedding party before the ceremony. If she's a good friend, she'll either understand or she'll get over it. Just because it's a special day for her doesn't mean that your world stops turning.

ElTrain5 · October 2014

saltypearl said:

My bridesmaids didn't get me a gift. Which was fine, the dresses and everything were more than enough financial commitment by my thinking. They also didn't get me a card though, that hurt.

This was us. I think a nice heartfelt card is more than appropriate. Presuming that you gave her a shower gift already.

ETA: Just saw the "allowing other kids but not mine". Dude, you're breastfeeding.....if she doesn't understand that, she's being a really crappy friend by allowing other kids and not yours. Just my opinion, but I think that's really rude of her.

ElTrain5 · October 2014

Also, you sound like you've been a pretty amazing bridesmaid, I mean you've already gone over your budget to accommodate her requests, so I wouldn't worry about the gift part at all. To put it in perspective, I had a bridesmaid of mine email me the other day and ask if it was "OK if she wore her dress from my wedding to an 'Ugly Bridesmaid Dress Party'". Fucking ouch yo.... (maybe it wouldn't have been so ugly if you had, ya know...hemmed it...or ironed it....or not insisted on putting a sash on it....) Here's a picture of the "ugly dress"...and yes, that is my mother trying to steam it...while she's wearing it...because it was that wrinkled.

lest12 · October 2014

So, my sister, who I love beyond words, got married last month and I was MOH. I would do anything for my sister, but that day, some stuff just had to be worked around me, the baby and breastfeeding. Which meant, I couldn't go get my make-up done because I needed to be home for an hour to feed the baby, etc.

I just had to come up with alternatives for her so she didn't have to worry - like, I'm not going to be able to go with you to this because I have to spend some time with LO, but I will meet you all (here) at (time). Tell her, don't ask.

Stand up for yourself. I get that it's the bride's day, and we say yes to bring in these weddings, but that doesn't make her dictator for all related events. I call BS.

And fwiw, we do cash gifts amongat my famoly/friends and normally I give $100/person range, but in this case where she's not even letting me bring my baby to take care of him, then forget it. I wouldn't stress out. Give $50 if that's all you can give and end it.

ElTrain5 · October 2014

@mullenem‌ thanks lady

elsa1688 · October 2014

Ya, I change my answer. You have a baby with a medical condition (milk intolerance). That trumps all. You get to feed your baby. If you wanted, you could bring your baby with you to get your hair done or have your mom do it. I would tell her how it's going to be. She knows you have a baby. This is just crazy to me.

kriati03 · October 2014

I was a bridesmaid she I was I college and on a tight budget. I gave the couple a potted rose bush with a nice note about planting it at their house. Reminding them of their wedding and love (blah blah blah). It was budget friendly, easy to do, and thoughtful. She seemed happy with this gift, but sounds like a much more considerate person than your friend sounds like.

lest12 · October 2014

mullenem said:
@ElTrain5 - FWIW, I don't find that dress ugly at all, even with the sash...

Agreed!

Taymiller · October 2014

lest12 said:

mullenem said:
@ElTrain5 - FWIW, I don't find that dress ugly at all, even with the sash...
Agreed!

Also agree, not ugly.

Hairstylist16 · October 2014

MrsRahl said:
@hairstylist16 I'd love to get my hair done someplace else because my mother is a hairdresser!! Unfortunately though she's insisting we don't leave her side and all do everything together to be on her schedule. Trust me I'm about to lose it at this point because I ebf and just found out my kid has a milk protein intolerance and all my stored milk up until this point is not from a dairy free diet. So now I have to pump like a crazy person to have enough by Saturday!

Unfortunately because I waited this long, crafting probably won't happen with little one and work. but those are some good ideas! I should have just not accepted to be in this wedding in the first place. I'm seriously an idiot and kicking myself. To add, she's allowing other kids to her wedding but not mine.

Oh sweetie I'm so sorry she's being such a bridezilla. Please oh please don't get her a gift. I think you have already gone above and beyond in the gift department and I would still bring your baby with you to all hair and makeup appts. Your lo trumps her big day. Being a bride doesn't mean the world revolves around her. Sending creepy internet hugs

curlylocks3 · October 2014

Is there any chance your mom can do your hair before you show up to meet them? I know that'd make for an extra long day but its a thought. Also don't feel compelled to have the gift by Saturday- like someone else pointed out you have up to a year to give a gift. We had gifts arrive while on our honeymoon, NBD.
You can't really insist that your baby be brought to the wedding. Unfortunately, as crappy as it is, she does have the right to decide who to invite. Its inappropriate in my mind to say that a baby that young can't be there when others can but I'm going to guess that either the other babies are family and you're getting screwed as a friend or (and this is my stronger suspicion) that she doesn't want you focusing on anything but her. I say that since you said she doesn't want you to "leave her side".
You're right that you probably shouldn't have agreed to be in the wedding, but thats not going to change whats happening now. You agreed with the best of intentions and it sounds like she knew quite well that you'd have a baby at this point. Her behavior is on her and, honestly, if this is how she's behaving I suspect she'd have been just as Bridezillaish if you weren't a mom, she'd just find a different thing to be demanding over.
Hang in there, it will be behind you soon.

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NBR: Mom's on a budget- Wedding gift advice? (SS warning)

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