Hi, I'm a first-time mom, apologies for the length of this, but I am having some difficulty adjusting to my new life with my beautiful son. My pregnancy, aside from terrible hyperemesis in the first 4 months that required Zofran, was totally ordinary. My boy was born right on his due date, super quick unmedicated labor/delivery, high Agpar score, focused on faces right from birth (everyone said he was very alert). The only problem was that he wanted to breastfeed constantly and didn't want to sleep. The LC in the hospital said she suspected tongue-tie. 4 days later my nipples were bleeding badly and I was horribly engorged because he would chew on me. I decided to pump exclusively from that point on. I don't know if perhaps that first experience triggered something in me but ever since I can't stop googling and checking to see if my son is "normal".
He is 6 weeks and 3 days old today- gaining weight from the breastmilk (he's gone from 7 lbs 5 oz at birth to 11 lbs 8 oz at 6 weeks, and gained almost 4 inches of height), smiling 5-6 times a day, cooing, and can pretty much hold his head up when I carry him upright against my chest. Our only "real" issue is feeding - he eats 4-5 oz every 2 hours or so, except for one 3 hour stretch in the evening. When he eats, he chokes/sputters/spits up a little, arches his back so hard he knocks the bottle away, cries for the bottle again, gets two gulps in and then repeat. His tummy also gets hard, he gets hiccups after, and he scrunches up his legs. Getting him back to sleep after a feeding is really tough. He sleeps swaddled upright in the rock-n-play next to my bed, and I can't get him to transition to his bassinet. He will absolutely not sleep on his back or even his side- he starts crying, pulling his legs ups, flailing. Even upright he strains, grunts, turns red and wakes himself up all night long. I have eliminated things from my diet, used gripe water, do a belly massage, switched to 4 different bottle types, and I try to hold him upright more.
We are getting his tongue-tie fixed in 3 weeks, and I know logically that it's likely just silent reflux and/or bad gas. But I can't stop myself from obsessively googling and spending all my time analyzing/re-analyzing his every move. If he stares off into space for several minutes or won't make eye contact with me, I can't sleep at night because I keep thinking he has developmental delays. He's not mimicking yet (aside from the smile), so I spent about 4 hours today looking up infant autism symptoms. He got two vaccines 2 days ago and was crying/upset a few hours later and I immediately started reading about vaccine damage and even started to cry because I convinced myself that he was regressing in his skills. He didn't grasp the rattle I put into his hand, and I started to panic that he's not meeting his 2 month milestones. I have thrush on my nipples and I obsessively read about Nystatin because I thought it would cause a yeast overgrowth in his little body and damage him forever. I even watched Youtube videos of other babies in the 6-8 week age range to see if my son was normal. I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel absolutely exhausted by all of my behaviors but can't shut off my brain. I'm scared to bring this up with my midwife because she'll think I've lost my mind. Has anybody gone through this? Any advice?