Hello. New to this board...intro. Laying it all out on the line. (Long)

kwalk1 · October 2014

Ok, so I don't know why I didn't try to seek out a board like this before. I was diagnosed with PPD when my DD was about a year old. She is now 16 months and I've been on Prozac and taken off. Now I am on Wellbutrin 300mg. Any of you ladies taking the same thing? My main problem with my PPD is extreme anger. I have had frequent outbursts, and the wellbutrin has helped some, but I feel maybe I could be better. I just recently stopped BF, but that doesn't really bother me. I might be able to get some medicine that's a little more aggressive now. Also I wanted to know if I was the only one who felt this way? DD was born 5 weeks early and stayed in the NICU for 34 days, which was pretty traumatic for me and I think added to my condition. I was so happy to have her home, until she started crying all the time. I was so angry and frustrated that she was crying and I couldn't figure out why. I yelled at her all the time, and handled her more roughly than I should have. I hope that doesn't make you see me as a monster. I resisted seeking help, as I thought I could do it all. The yelling continued for a long time, and what finally made me seek help is when I grabbed her arm and left red marks....when she was about 12 months. I felt so horrible. And for most moms, that would make you stop immediately. Thing is, I can't stop. I have spanked her and smacked her hands more than I should. If she isn't doing what I ask or something I don't like, I instantly see red. I can't even try to leave the room or count to 10. I yell automatically. The fact is I know she's just a toddler that doesn't understand all the rules or even what she's doing yet, but I just lose it every time. I think it might be a control issue for me, and I don't know what to do. I hate this person that I am, and I feel I have missed out on her life so much already because I'm constantly pushing her away and wanting her to leave me alone. I have good moments with her, but sometimes I dwell on the bad so much it doesn't matter. Am I crazy? Do I sound like a completely horrible mother? Sorry this has gone on for so long, I just don't want to feel alone.

[Deleted User] · October 2014

I have also had intense feelings of anger and outbursts like you describe, though not all the time. I think you need to see your doctor and talk about these issues. Therapy and a different medication would probably help. I am also on Wellbutrin but a much lower dose. I've also recently started taking BCPs since my mood swings seemed to be tied to my menstrual cycles.
Once I started the Wellbutrin the outbursts mostly subsided. I have discussed with my psychiatrist maybe adding an SSRI to help with the lingering, occasional symptoms. We're trying the BCPs first.
You don't need to continue feeling and acting this way. You're not a horrible mother. You just need more help. GL.

deanna1313 · October 2014

Please seek out help! You'll feel much better and life will become so much easier. Don't worry. This isn't the "real" you right now. You will go back to normal and feel like yourself. Your relationship with your baby will improve greatly!

JSNoto · November 2014

Sounds like you are in great need of an assist! A friend, little one's father, your mom but probably best is the therapist/medical pro and a vacation. So little info but if you're climbing the walls like this, you need to take a few days to yourself to reset and hone in on your own "mental-judo".

monkeybutt61612 · November 2014

Is the your daughter the only experiencing your anger? Do you yell at your husband/get angry so easily with him?

kwalk1 · November 2014

She gets most of it unfortunately. I do also get easily irritated with DH. I'm thinking of changing medication and possibly seeing a therapist. My mom is in Tennessee with my stepdad for his job right now, or this would be so much easier. DH helps, but not as much as I would like. Friends are all about 30 min to an hour away, another "perk" of living in the country. I'm such an impatient person as it is. Like I said, I hate how I act. I just cannot control my actions or words, and then I immediately regret them. I'm an emotional mess.

hopanka · November 2014

Please make an appointment with a therapist ASAP. Meds alone are not the answer, they need to be combined with therapy, stat. Your situation sounds pretty severe. Please do it for your DD and for yourself and do it now. In the meantime, while waiting for an appointment, arrange for childcare...pay a friend or a neighbor you trust to take your DD for even just a couple of hours a couple of times a week, and try to decompress during that time. Do something relaxing, even if it's just to be home alone and read a book or get stuff done in peace.

Hello. New to this board...intro. Laying it all out on the line. (Long)

Re: Hello. New to this board...intro. Laying it all out on the line. (Long)

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