I have deleted. Sister is pregnant... and this is how she let me find out.

sillygirlio · October 2014

Hello, I've deleted my thread. My reason for doing so is two-fold.

1) I am trying to let this pass. I'm honestly not upset that my Sister is pregnant as much as I am about the lack of respect she showed in the way she delivered the message... and I don't want this to be the way she finds out I was so upset. I don't know how she would find this, but crazy things happen and I don't need that mess.

I will probably delete my responses too if they contain information that could identify her in the situation.

2) I know I'm on the wrong board. I do know there is a CFNBC board but it is VERY VERY slow. Life as a CFNBC person is dramatically different from life in the IF community and it can be hard to find a cohesive group. There are so few of us and after a while the grieving lessens and the focus shifts so it can be next to impossible to find a place to speak if you're in need of actual responses. As I simply couldn't keep things in any longer I sought help where I knew a large number of people would understand. I can see that my post is starting to ruffle feathers (I know it ruffled feathers long before anyone started saying things about it, so once again thank you everyone for the very kind messages. You didn't have to welcome me and many of you did anyway.) so I'm simply going to remove the offending post.

I do have one comment about the way I was treated... and this is minor. Narnia, I understand that it's your job to protect these ladies, and you do a great job of it... however if I had been gone from an Alcoholics Anonymous or some other sort of support group (that is simply what came to mind) for the same amount of time I suspect the reaction to my return would have been more welcoming. I wasn't here flinging MUD, I wasn't a *total* stranger as I had been here in the past... and I wasn't being angry or rude to the board members. I had just been gone. From my perspective, you were rather uncharitable regarding my need to return. With the amount of pain we've all gone through I would hope you would be a little more understanding, but I can also see it translating into the reaction you had. I am in no way trying to start something, I just felt compelled to mention this. You provide a wonderful service to these women. Please continue.

Thank you again and I wish you all the very best of luck on your road to parenthood.

emilycatlady · October 2014

oh my

i am so so sorry that you had to find out like that. i think you are 100% justified to be upset and hurt. if that was my sister and she "waited until i said something" i would be furious to the point of avoiding and ignoring her.

i wish i could tell you that sometimes people aren't inconsiderate assholes. but they really really are. For some reason a lot of people don't understand IF because its not happening to them. i view it a bit similar to depression, if you don't know whats its like you cant possibly understand it. At the same time, you wouldnt wish it on anyone, so its a hard thing to really deal with

i'm hoping that your sister comes to her sense and gives you more of a heartfelt apology and you can work it out.

**hugs**

theholmanherd · October 2014

Maybe I'm projecting here, but is this maybe the last straw in a series of issues with her? I don't think it was very mature, especially because your dad was dying and those days needed to be about him, not her, but I do think completely freezing her out doesn't sound like the appropriate reaction unless there were previous or underlying issues. I'm not saying you don't have the right to be upset, but maybe it was just the timing that is bothering you? I know it's hard to see people pregnant, especially when they are insensitive to others, but it seems to me there's more to it than that in this instance. Correct me if I'm wrong, though, please. If I'm off-base, I will apologize for the assumption.

BunnyBerry · October 2014

I'm so sorry for your loss. This sounds like a raw and painful memory, made even worse by having that last moment with your father tied up such a troubling realization. You absolutely have every right to be offended. The fact that she was trying to show off her bump, and thought FB should know before you did, are really awful. But I also wonder if it was her weird way of trying to let you know without having to see your reaction and feel bad? The way some guys break up with a girl by starting to act like a jerk so the girl doesn't care so much, or breaks up with them first? The part about waiting for you to ask is almost like she wanted to eschew responsibility for saying something hurtful to you.

I tend to think that if this had occurred at a time more separate from your father's passing, likely you would think she was a brat and still be upset and perhaps trust her less, but you would probably be better able to put it in the past. Dealing with so much at once, I wonder if you would feel better after talking to a counselor? Perhaps hearing that outside perspective could help you separate those two memories - it's got to be confusing, because having the opportunity to be with a parent in their last moments can feel like both a sadness and a blessing, and of course the pregnancy of a loved one can be both a trigger and a blessing at the same time.

Not sure about other people's sisters - but when mine it a big you know what, I find that first I have to give her time to get off her high horse and feel a bit guilty on her own, and then I just go off on her and let her know how much she hurt me. And she is truly sorry, and we are cool again.

meredithcarole · October 2014

I think it was insensitive of her and poor etiquette among other things to "announce" in that way. You have every right to be hurt and upset with how she handled it, but letting it fester is hurting you. What's done is done and I think you should sit her down and tell her how it hurt you that she did not find a compassionate way to tell you about her impending arrival in light of your personal situation and your father's failing health. If you find that you are unable to tell her face to face then write her a letter. Make sure the version you send her is not the angry version that you will most likely write first. Try and phrase it in as neutral of a tone as possible (factual and with your feelings, but I would do my best to leave the accusatory phrases out - even if they are deserved) and leave it to her to make appropriate apologies. If she cannot then that says something about her, but you will know you have done the mature thing.

Ann612 · October 2014

I'm really sorry for how much this all has upset you. It's gotta be one of the most awful ways to find out.

I wonder if this is really what your sister intended. Had you gotten upset at the announcement of the prior 3? Does she know it's a very hard thing for you? It's quite possible that she somehow misconstrued this into thinking you don't want her telling you, without realizing that you are going to find out anyway, so better just to tell you in private ASAP.

Have you tried talking with her? Is she always this insensitive?

If you can, I would wait until you cool off a bit and then try having the conversation. It's possible she didn't realize you would see it with the dress on (you said it was an urgent call to get everyone there quick, right? she probably didn't have time to think if it would show or not).

Good luck, I truly hope it was just a terribly thoughtless mistake, and not done out of malice - because that verges on pretty evil.

kristyn831 · October 2014

I'm sorry she was so insensitive. But, is it wrong that I'm a little annoyed that people gave OP support and it looks like she hasn't checked back or responded?

sillygirlio · October 2014

Hello everyone, thank you for the responses. I'm feeling much better today. I did post a rather long response in the thread on the IF board with some of the history between my sister and I... but to answer the questions I see over here, Yes... she has always been insensitive. I don't think she did it out of malice, I think it was out of cowardice. I get this it's scary to announce these things to someone in our situation, even without a very sick dad, but she seriously broke every rule there is (not that she would know the rules because if she's done any research on how to relate to us, we would never know it.)

Now that I really think about it, I believe we heard about #3 from my parents as well because I remember bawling my eyes out, but making it out of the house first... she wasn't there though. That was a long time ago, he's in school now. One of the most frustrating parts of this whole thing is that she keeps getting pregnant by accident and has been unhappy about all four of the pregnancies.

This whole spazzy vent of mine was triggered by another Facebook whine yesterday evening. I am feeling better and I'm very thankful that this board is here. I know I'm not a member, and I know it is a privilege that you've been so kind to a stranger. I will very likely delete at some point because I don't want her to somehow find this. I suppose that would be a nasty surprise for her.

Thank you. I needed to tell this story to someone who could understand.

sillygirlio · October 2014

Narnia...honestly I felt a little odd doing it, however if you read what I just wrote I was incredibly grateful that everyone was kind.

I expected that someone would be angry. I guess it's you.

I've been grieving the fact that there are no children in my future for over 365 days. This is no longer an appropriate place for me to spend time. However, there aren't any boards for people like me and I had to get this out. I hope you're never in my situation, but if you do find yourself where I am I hope you're given the consideration you need when you find yourself needing to vomit.

I'm sorry I upset you, but I'm grateful for the kind responses. It was what I needed.

sillygirlio · October 2014

kristyn831 said:

I'm sorry she was so insensitive. But, is it wrong that I'm a little annoyed that people gave OP support and it looks like she hasn't checked back or responded?

Just got home from work and then a night serving at a soup kitchen.
This was the first thing I did when I got home. I'm not trying to be rude, but I wouldn't post something like that and then vanish. I'm very thankful for the support I found here.

Ann612 · October 2014

"she keeps getting pregnant by accident"

I would believe once "by accident". If it happens more than once - it's not an accident anymore. Does she not know how babies are made? come on

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I have deleted. Sister is pregnant... and this is how she let me find out.

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