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March 2015 Moms
massiejs09
member
Family Drama (Not My Family)
massiejs09
member
My SIL has offered to throw me a baby shower, which I am very grateful for and excited about. It will be at her house. She has a very bad relationship with her mother. They don't talk. The last time they saw each other was a year ago at my BIL's wedding (I wasn't there) and the only thing my SIL can say about it is that her mom/their mom was 20 minutes late and the wedding was delayed as a result. Up until last weekend, my H had not seen his mother in 5 years. We had arranged 2 meetings prior to last weekend but she cancelled both times with a lame excuse. I was surprised that she actually showed up for our outing last weekend. Needless to say, the visit went very well. It was pleasant and no awkward or inappropriate questions were asked. It was my first time meeting her and she wasn't what I expected, in a good way. But more importantly, I think it was a very important interaction for my H. He sees a therapist once per week and a lot of the discussion centers around his mom and his relationship with her, or lack thereof (there is a lot of back story here which I won't bore you with). He came away from last weekend feeling optimistic that things were on an upward slope and that made me really happy. I think it all ties in to him making forward progress within his own self - healing old wounds, etc.
SO...with regards to the baby shower... H is adamant that his mother be invited to the baby shower (she lives 3 hours away in Williamsburg, VA), even though he thinks she won't come. My response was, you can't invite someone on the premise that they're not going to show up. If you're inviting them, there is always a chance they're going to make an appearance. My SIL obviously doesn't want her anywhere near her house but has said, 'Well, let's just leave it up to Jackie because the shower is about Jackie, not me.' And then later at home my H said, 'Well, you need to just tell [SIL] to get over her petty bullshit and deal with it for a few hours. You and [SIL] need to work that out amongst yourselves. But I'll tell you right now that I think its really fucked up not to invite her.'
Ummm....what??
Why are they putting this on me!? Its not my mom and while I understand where my H is coming from, I know that if their mom were to actually show up at the baby shower it would be awkward as hell and not fun at all. I have a much closer relationship with my SIL than I do with their mom (obviously) and even though she says she doesn't care, I know that she'd probably think I was a huge dick if I actually invited their mom.
I hate drama and my inclination is to not invite their mom, but on the flip side I know my H sees this as part of making their relationship better and he doesn't want to leave her out. UGH. I just think its grossly unfair that they're both saying its my decision. I honestly don't know what to do. It makes me want to throw up my hands and say fuck it ... I'll just tell people when the baby is born.
SO...with regards to the baby shower... H is adamant that his mother be invited to the baby shower (she lives 3 hours away in Williamsburg, VA), even though he thinks she won't come. My response was, you can't invite someone on the premise that they're not going to show up. If you're inviting them, there is always a chance they're going to make an appearance. My SIL obviously doesn't want her anywhere near her house but has said, 'Well, let's just leave it up to Jackie because the shower is about Jackie, not me.' And then later at home my H said, 'Well, you need to just tell [SIL] to get over her petty bullshit and deal with it for a few hours. You and [SIL] need to work that out amongst yourselves. But I'll tell you right now that I think its really fucked up not to invite her.'
Ummm....what??
Why are they putting this on me!? Its not my mom and while I understand where my H is coming from, I know that if their mom were to actually show up at the baby shower it would be awkward as hell and not fun at all. I have a much closer relationship with my SIL than I do with their mom (obviously) and even though she says she doesn't care, I know that she'd probably think I was a huge dick if I actually invited their mom.
I hate drama and my inclination is to not invite their mom, but on the flip side I know my H sees this as part of making their relationship better and he doesn't want to leave her out. UGH. I just think its grossly unfair that they're both saying its my decision. I honestly don't know what to do. It makes me want to throw up my hands and say fuck it ... I'll just tell people when the baby is born.
for all M15 loss moms
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Family Drama (Not My Family)
Turns out she sent individually addressed copies of the same letter to my 2 BIL's and their wives + my H. She didn't send one to my SIL since the letter was mostly about her and how awful she is. It was weird and a little bit (a lot a bit) cuckoo.
Do not let him do this, or it will set a pattern. It is BS to dump his family's fight square on your head and walk away. Unacceptable.
Thanks for everyone's great insight and advice. Its been really helpful to read through the responses and has given me a lot to think about. YOU GUYS ROCK!
;;)
My in-laws have a lot of past abuse and are not capable of acting like adults. I don't think everyone is capable if acting like a grown up for an event like this or even understand that the day is about you and your baby. Honestly based off past behavior I wouldn't invite her. Why make the event less pleasant for you and the host? A future grandmother who hasn't seen her children for 5 years, is that really worth it? I know everyone wants to believe that family is family but when I really comes down to it not all family's are good. Some family members are abusive, toxic or may even wish you harm. I am not saying this is the case here, just saying that we don't know enough about the situation to tell you that you should invite her just bc she will be the grandmother. In the end go with what feels right to you.
'Grandmother'- and we should. But, these titles are just that without relationship, action and connection. Having one meet up with your MIL does not make her a 'mother' to your H or Grandmother to your baby in action or relationship.
Considering the history, hard feelings and the newness of this renewed connection - I would vote that the shower is not the place to forge this new connection. Further - it is really your husband's connection to rekindle (should he choose) and maybe he should make time with his mother alone a few times first? Also, he cannot force that on his sister. Or you! It is a good boundary to establish that your husband needs to communicate and negotiate with his own family. Yes they are your family too- but he has the established role etc. He might want to talk to his therapist about this too. I agree that we can pull up our big girl panties and behave like adults for a few hours- but honestly that's not really true for all people all the time! Otherwise families wouldn't get estranged (as well as various other hijinx). The baby shower is not the venue for your husband to Insist on mass reconciliation. You have months before baby comes to build connection and rapport with his mom- if she is willing and able. So- I would say don't invite her. Ultimately listen to your gut. You can still respond to your husband with empathy and love -it doesn't mean you have to do as he has demanded.
^^^^so damn true! I wouldn't feel the least bit compelled to invite her or the drama that she may or may not bring. She may be the grandmother, but let's be real you just MET this woman!!! So no enjoy your shower and let your husband continue to work out his issues with his mother, not your fight.
So even though they should not have put this on me to begin with (I am still annoyed about that), they are now both satisfied with the outcome. PHEW!
@massiejs09 I'm so glad you found a resolution that keeps both H and SIL happy! I hope you have a wonderful drama free shower.
I would tell your husband and his sister to figure it out. It's their mother. Their issue.
My husband and his family used to try to put things on me and it had made our whole relationship awkward, specifically with his sisters. Coming from my experiences, I would tell them to figure it out.
Even though the party is being thrown for you, it's not your problem and shouldn't be your decision. Don't back down. Tell your husband and SIL that you won't speak on it. Trust me, whatever you decide will have consequences so it's best to let them figure it out and keep yourself out of it. If you make a decision on this, they will always rely on you to make decisions about everything dealing with their mother in the future. ex: is she invited over for the holidays? birthdays?
Tell your husband to man up and get to know his mother before he starts to make it a "suggested" responsibility to invite this otherwise stranger to events. If not for peace, then for the safety and well-being of your future family. Entitlement is dangerous ground to be treading where young children are involved.