Take your baby to jail?

Sgriff1 · October 2014

Ok so not really. But my MIL is a *newly* retired corrections officer for the juvenile detention center in town. A few weeks ago she took my DD in to "meet" all her old coworkers, which I felt iffy about but didn't want to tell her she can't bring the baby to visit her friends. Since then she has been making this a weekly visit to the corrections center. I really don't like the idea of my sweet baby even being in the building...although they ARE kids, there's a lot of serious things that happen there (my MIL has personally found multiple children in their cells who have committed suicide etc..). On top of just the general location issue, every time she's gone, she hasn't put DD down for any naps during the day, which makes my life hell when I get home.

Am I being too overprotective to want to tell her no? Would you let you LO go?

TJ1979 · October 2014

Have you been there yourself?

kmc84 · October 2014

My DH works at max security juvenile center and there is no way in hell he would ever take our child there. Those are his words, not mine

kmc84 · October 2014

I'll elaborate-

The biggest reason is because of gang activity. DH deleted his FB, never talks about me or dd. No one he works with even knows I'm pregnant. He is vigilant about keeping his personal life personal. Lots of these kids do get out eventually and they are ALL involved in gangs. He has had co workers that recieved threats against family, specifically children.

Places like that are also breeding grounds for colds, flu, and other nasties.

Into+the+Kitty · October 2014

There's no way in hell I'd be ok with that.

abby8279 · October 2014

That would sooo not be OK with me. At all.

redrockmama · October 2014

Yeah not so much okay with that either

freezorburn · October 2014

If it were my MIL, I probably would have lost my cool with her already. I can get her wanting to visit old co-workers with the baby, once. But on a regular basis? No. Not to mention the issue with no napping? How does she think any of this is okay?

Do you have any other options for childcare?

Mandmeesh · October 2014

Into+the+Kitty said:
There's no way in hell I'd be ok with that.

This. No way

sasq09 · October 2014

Nope, wouldn't be cool with me at all!

Sgriff1 · October 2014

I love you ladies!! :x I have been going back and forth about whether I'm being ridiculous and so appreciate the feedback! No, I have not been inside, but have heard countless stories through the years about things that have happened. I do take my LO to the grocery store etc but I wear her and she's not being handed around to people who have had direct contact with all of the inmates. (They also all carry weapons of some sort on their uniforms, so I wonder where those are when they're holding my baby?)

@kmc84‌ I also have never thought about that aspect of it either. Most of these children have serious issues (some are in for murder, killed their parents etc...) so the chance of them even seeing my baby also scares me.

Thank you for making me feel normal about my concerns!

bumpuser9353653 · October 2014

I would not be ok with that at all. How does your DH feel? I'm terrible with conflict, so if it was my MIL, I'd have DH say something. But he has no issue confronting his family over stuff like that.

TJ1979 · October 2014

Sgriff1 said:

I love you ladies!! :x I have been going back and forth about whether I'm being ridiculous and so appreciate the feedback! No, I have not been inside, but have heard countless stories through the years about things that have happened. I do take my LO to the grocery store etc but I wear her and she's not being handed around to people who have had direct contact with all of the inmates. (They also all carry weapons of some sort on their uniforms, so I wonder where those are when they're holding my baby?) @kmc84‌ I also have never thought about that aspect of it either. Most of these children have serious issues (some are in for murder, killed their parents etc...) so the chance of them even seeing my baby also scares me. Thank you for making me feel normal about my concerns!

Then nope. If I haven't seen the place, I can't trust it. Like, regardless of all the other issues, that in itself would make it a no go for me.

Sgriff1 · October 2014

My DH is also a dick when it comes to disagreements with my MIL. He refuses to get involved and says if I have a problem then I should tell her because he's not getting in the middle of it. So no help there.

TJ1979 · October 2014

Kick him in the shins!

bumpuser9353653 · October 2014

Sgriff1 said:
My DH is also a dick when it comes to disagreements with my MIL. He refuses to get involved and says if I have a problem then I should tell her because he's not getting in the middle of it. So no help there.

So he's ok with his daughter going to a detention center on a regular basis and not getting adequate sleep during the day?

Sgriff1 · October 2014

Yes he is. Like I said....dick. (Mommas boy who is convinced his mother knows best, so if his mom says it's OK, then it doesn't matter what anyone else says)

abby8279 · October 2014

Sgriff1 said:

My DH is also a dick when it comes to disagreements with my MIL. He refuses to get involved and says if I have a problem then I should tell her because he's not getting in the middle of it. So no help there.

Not right IMO. He should be the "go between" for his mom. Once DH and I figured out it's our jobs to keep our own moms in check, life got much easier.

freezorburn · October 2014

I don't know why this is bothering me so much, but YH needs to man up and realize that there are two parents in your baby's life, AND HIS MOTHER IS NOT ONE OF THEM.

Sgriff1 · October 2014

freezorburn said:
I don't know why this is bothering me so much, but YH needs to man up and realize that there are two parents in your baby's life, AND HIS MOTHER IS NOT ONE OF THEM.

Can I love this x100 please?!

TJ1979 · October 2014

mamalamb10 said:

Kick him in the shins!
I read this as balls but I guess shins work too.

To-ma-to / to-mah-to

countrycotton · October 2014

Hell no! So much wrong with this! DH needs to grow a set, and like like an adult when it comes to his mother.

zaraceligon · October 2014

I will not do it.not only because of sickness that an infant can get,also because infants are very sensitive and is very easy to carry the bad karma the other people have. On the other hand I cannot imaging having my kid around of some pedofilous or sex offenders, even it is a juvenile jail.

tjkdlhb · October 2014

I wrote you a haiku.

no. no. no. no. no.

no. no. no. no. hell no. no

no. no. no. no. no.

freezorburn · October 2014

Trying to brainstorm some constructive ideas for you -- i don't know how many days your MIL has DD and for how long, but since you say she is newly retired, could it be she is missing the social interaction of work and feeling isolated?

Are there social activities convenient to her when she has DD? I'm mobile and can't see how old DD is, but are there drop-in playgroups or library story/rhyme times that she could take DD to? Baby music or baby dance classes? If she's mobile is there a soft play place?

I've always had 1-2 activities a week that I take DS to, where we are interacting with other children the same age and their parents/carers. I can't say yet if I've made any lifelong friends but it has definitely helped with the loneliness/isolation.

Maybe you could do a little research and give MIL a list of activities and places that are appropriate for DD, but also take care of MIL's need for social time as well.

kmc84 · October 2014

Ok-I don't know why this is bothering me so much, but here is another issue I have- you said there are residents there for murder, that means this has to be a secure facility. Who in the hell is letting your MIL through the gates every week (and while she has a baby!!)? There is no way she should be allowed back in for anything other than official business, if she has any left. That's a big security breech (I'm not calling your mil a threat

) they are making by disregarding policy..... Again, sorry that's bothering me so much, but it makes the whole situation even more uncomfortable for me!

I like freezerburns idea of getting a list of activities together!

Sgriff1 · October 2014

Holy hell. So this morning my MIL mentioned to my DH she was planning on taking her in again, and he just said ok...knowing me feelings about it. I had to come out into the room and tell her I did not feel comfortable with her taking DD there. She tried to say she just takes her into the office part, and not the cells (obviously) but I stuck with it and told her that I still did not feel comfortable given all of the stories she has told me and I do not feel like the detention center in general is a place for a baby. She said OK, and that she wouldn't take her if I felt uncomfortable about it.

I thought it went well and left for work, while my DH was still getting ready. 20 minutes later I get a text from MH saying his mother was crying after I left and he is going to take the baby after work so she can have a one on one talk with me. Are you kidding me?!!!!!! X(

jennypolkadots · October 2014

I don't know what the facility or inmates are like, or what your daughter is being exposed to. So I can't say rather it's right or wrong for her to be there. I wouldn't personally be okay with it. Does your MIL watch your daughter every day? I would never rely on family for child care, it gets too messy from everything I have seen and this is a prime example.

If you don't believe your MIL has good enough judgement to not expose your daughter to harmful situations, your daughter shouldn't be left in her care at all. End of story. It seems clear that you don't believe she shows good judgement, otherwise this wouldn't be an issue at all.

It seems the bigger issue here is your relationship with your spouse. He doesn't respect your feelings as a mother. He is married with kids, you have to be his first priority no matter what hurts his mommy's feelings. It doesn't matter if he isn't bothered by your child being at a prison, he should be bothered that his wife is upset about something. If this sort of behavior spills into other areas of your home life I would really consider counseling or some long talks.

TJ1979 · October 2014

Stringy has a lot of good points. After getting that information from her, if she is still adamant that it is safer than you think, then go see it for yourself. Maybe it is separate enough and secure and you will feel better about it. OR maybe you will get there and be able to point out to MIL how unsafe and insecure and such that it is.... things she might be blind to after working there for so long.

jennypolkadots · October 2014

@stringy813 - no, that's obviously not what I meant. Every family is different. Some grandparents can respect boundaries and respect the parenting decisions that you are making without getting over involved. In my family, I have seen grandparents relied on for free childcare and it just gets messy so it's not something I personally would do. It's obvious in the OP that her MIL (and DH) don't know boundaries or respect her decisions. I wouldn't hire some random off the internet or go through some slummy day care. One thing I know for sure, my kid won't be taking field trips to the local prison.

freezorburn · October 2014

Another thing I keep wondering about this situation from a workplace point of view, how much time is MIL spending there? Never mind that it's a prison, if my retired colleague brought a baby into the office on a regular basis for any length of time, I would think it would start to get disruptive. Even if it were during the lunch hour. But, maybe that's just me.

zaraceligon · October 2014

The thing the bothers me most, is your DH. What kind of idiot is him,you need to have a conversation about what's bothering you,he has to understand the what his moms is doing its no appropriate for the baby. What's more can you imagine what kind of attention your MIL is providing to your kid at the place. She probably let her play with the keys or any other object the her friend wears while carring your baby.

Obladee · October 2014

Listen. When I worked at a residential facility for children, I brought my baby in ONCE so I could collect a check. It was my only option. These kids were sick, mentally and emotionally. They will get out, they could find you, your mom, your baby, and may harm you. In general, keeping personal life seperate is absolutely essential when you are working with criminals or mentally ill people (kids or not)

Into+the+Kitty · October 2014

Wow, your husband is an asshole.

Sgriff1 · October 2014

I don't even know where to start. In the long run, my MIL is a very loving, caring person...but knows absolutely no boundaries in any aspect of our lives and is an idiot when it comes to life. Our plan was to allow her to be the caregiver while DD is a baby, but when she starts getting older...we'd prefer I stay at home because we don't trust my MIL to be able to handle an older child and don't want her influencing our child.

I am beyond irritated with my DH, he is well aware of my feelings and doesn't agree or care. He feels that we are lucky to have my MIL as our caregiver and therefor she should be allowed to do whatever she wants (his words). He told me that I need to talk with her again and "LEAVE ME OUT OF IT". We are both working today...so I haven't had an opportunity to respond yet.

The fact that I cannot have a civil conversation about my child with her without her bursting in to tears about it really makes me mad. There are several other things I don't like that she does and have not approached her because I've been afraid of her reaction, this is the first time I've actually put my foot down and of course it's a shit show.

I will have to talk with her again tonight, but I don't know how I will react to a sobbing over dramatic woman. And I'll probably just kick MH right in the shin/balls when I get home.

zaraceligon · October 2014

Mmmm, I think the only person to blame is you, because from the beginning you alow you MIL to do whatever she wants with your kid. Second your DH, you need to teach him to be more responsible with you and the kids when his moms is doing thing the you don't like. And third if you don't want her to influence your kid, why are you letting her to takecare of the kid. If you know your MIl is and idiot when it come to lives situation, you should know the she likes to have control of everything.

unaveragejane · October 2014

Gosh, this is a crummy situation! I hate to say it, but I would be very hesitant to allow MIL to keep the baby any longer. Even though your LO is still quite young, these are formative years, and if you already know you don't trust MIL to keep an older child and she's not respectful of your wishes even now, I think it's probably time to find a new childcare provider. Like definitely, asap, you need someone more responsible.

Also, I think MH might be a bit like yours in not wanting to get in the middle of things. He just does not know how to handle confrontation, and if he doesn't believe as strongly in something as I do, he has nothing on which to base an argument. It is incredibly frustrating, but in the end it has basically turned into me being the one who steers our parenting decisions, and he's happy to follow along. It kind of works out to my advantage b/c I am particular and like having things done my way, but on the downside, I have to defend my parenting decisions a bit on my own sometimes. It's not that he doesn't support me; he just doesn't always understand why it's important to me and that's why he backs down. Does that make any sense?

freezorburn · October 2014

Your MIL sounds like a manipulative child.

And I don't know how you kick someone in the balls when they clearly need to grow a pair.

countrycotton · October 2014

During your conversation ask her to recall how she felt as a new mother, wanting to protect her child and how she would have felt if her MIL hadn't respected her parenting choice. I think grandparents can forget about those parts of parenting. I have to remind my family of these things from time to time, and it seems to help.

Mandmeesh · October 2014

Ummmm my child needs a competent caregiver at EVERY stage of life. He wasn't just a blob as an infant. Their worlds are shaped every single day. Get rid of mil as a caregiver. Period. That situation sounds insane

zaraceligon · October 2014

I'm been thinking of you and your situation. I was you the want who post the pic, of all the cloths the your MIL bring to your house. Anyway, try to look for information about violating the rules of the cork worker, because that's what they are doing. Workers are not allow to let anyone inside of the facility, is for security, it does the matter who it is. Is the director of the facility aware of the, is she is they are in serious problem. And for your MIL you will need serious help to be able to work with her. She is not just a manipulative person, she can have some serious mentally issues. The way she behaves is scary, just stay alert and do something fast to solve this issue. Hugs I will be praying for you.

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