Not sure what to do anymore..

justyouraveragemama · October 2014

I don't mean for this to sound like it should belong in a diary but I'd appreciate any advice that anyone could give me. So here's the thing. My fiancé has always been quite childish, self absorbed, and mean but he had some good moments which made me think he would grow up. About a month after we got engaged he started telling me that I couldn't do anything unless he was okay with it and I had to ask permission to go places and if I went somewhere he had to go with, basically trying to control my every move and saying I didn't love him if I didn't ask to go. I just brushed it off and figured it's just a phase or something but it got worse and he started telling me I wasn't going to amount to anything and that what I want to do with my life has to wait until he's where he wants to be in life. He's been telling me I'm the reason that we argue and that I'll be the reason we get a divorce unless I keep my mouth shut. I don't think he'd ever physically hurt me but I don't even want to be around him because of the things he says, I'm not sure if I'm being irrational because of hormones or what but I'm really at a loss of what I should do for not just me but me and the baby. I have tried talking to him, giving him an ultimatum and I've gotten nowhere So if anyone has advice I'd really really appreciate it. Thanks in advance and sorry it's so long.

justyouraveragemama · October 2014

MOtownMama said:
As I've told someone else, leave while the baby is still inside you. It won't be kidnapping if it's in utero. He will only get more controlling and abusive once the baby is here. I guarantee he will use the baby as a tool to control, saying that you cant leave with his kid. Also, most physical abuse begins as emotional abuse.

He already has said that "I can't leave with his kid" after I told him if he doesn't stop treating me like this I'll leave. The unknown about what would happen afterwords is what has kept me in the relationship.

justyouraveragemama · October 2014

BananaBoat05 said:
I'm really sorry you are dealing with this. My relationship prior I meeting DH was very similar and I had that feeling that maybe he would change... Maybe I could change him... Maybe if we got engaged he would grow up, etc. Nope. It got worse until I finally said I was done. It took me a long time to realize that he was emotionally abusive. He would criticize me for things I did, the way I acted, etc. What made it really challenging is he also acted like he worshiped me. So one day he would be mean to me and the next act like I was a goddess. I am so thankful I didn't marry him (we weren't engaged but probably would have been had I not left).

It won't be easy. Especially considering you are carrying his child. But it sounds like that's what you and your baby need to do.

You just pretty much described him to a T. That just kinda put it more into perspective for me. He apologizes the next day but does it again not too long after apologizing and says he'll change which makes it hard

justyouraveragemama · October 2014

SharkFarts said:

QSB said:

ballerinamom said:

I don't mean for this to sound like it should belong in a diary but I'd appreciate any advice that anyone could give me. So here's the thing. My fiancé has always been quite childish, self absorbed, and mean but he had some good moments which made me think he would grow up. About a month after we got engaged he started telling me that I couldn't do anything unless he was okay with it and I had to ask permission to go places and if I went somewhere he had to go with, basically trying to control my every move and saying I didn't love him if I didn't ask to go. I just brushed it off and figured it's just a phase or something but it got worse and he started telling me I wasn't going to amount to anything and that what I want to do with my life has to wait until he's where he wants to be in life. He's been telling me I'm the reason that we argue and that I'll be the reason we get a divorce unless I keep my mouth shut. I don't think he'd ever physically hurt me but I don't even want to be around him because of the things he says, I'm not sure if I'm being irrational because of hormones or what but I'm really at a loss of what I should do for not just me but me and the baby. I have tried talking to him, giving him an ultimatum and I've gotten nowhere So if anyone has advice I'd really really appreciate it. Thanks in advance and sorry it's so long.

The bolded part is your clue that you are in an abusive relationship. Take a step back, if your best friend or mother said this about their partner you would tell them to run like the wind.

I absolutely KNOW that my husband wouldn't every physically hurt me. I wouldn't be in a relationship with anyone if I thought there was any chance that they would hurt our children or myself.

Yes, to all of this. If there was even a thought that my DH would harm me, I never would have stayed with him. Just the fact that he's already bringing up divorce before you're even married is a red flag. He sounds like he's constantly berating you and trying to intimidate you. Why are you staying?

I honestly don't know. Fear of what will happen after I leave, holding on to the memory of who I fell in love with and thinking that person will come back but I'm really starting to realize that it's probably not going to happen

justyouraveragemama · October 2014

QSB said:
Has he been threatening to kill himself if you leave him?

Yeah.

justyouraveragemama · October 2014

MOtownMama said:

ballerinamom said:

MOtownMama said:
As I've told someone else, leave while the baby is still inside you. It won't be kidnapping if it's in utero. He will only get more controlling and abusive once the baby is here. I guarantee he will use the baby as a tool to control, saying that you cant leave with his kid. Also, most physical abuse begins as emotional abuse.
He already has said that "I can't leave with his kid" after I told him if he doesn't stop treating me like this I'll leave. The unknown about what would happen afterwords is what has kept me in the relationship.
He can't force you to stay in his house whether you are pregnant or not. Leave now. YOU ARE IN DANGER. I don't know how else to express this to you.

Also, most abuse will escalate after the baby is born, sometimes leading to death. Men like this many times can not handle the attention that the baby is getting, attention they feel that is being taken away from them.

I'm staying at my moms right now since our last big argument and I think being here and having this advice I'm able to think more clearly and realize the severity of the situation. I'm going to start figuring out my next step and I'll be staying with my mom until I do.

pkp2 · October 2014

I'm a lurker and haven't made an intro yet, but I wanted to comment. This is not, in any way, normal behavior in a healthy relationship. It will not get better. He will not change. It is likely he would either treat your child the same way, or raise them to behave the same way to you. Please don't let fear of the unknown keep you in an abusive relationship. You are worth so much and deserve so much more than that. There is a man out there that will always treat you like a queen and your child too. But you will never meet him, or know that kind of love if you stay. The hardest part will be to find the courage and make the leap to leave, but I believe you will be so much happier without him. Do you have family or a friend that would help?

justyouraveragemama · October 2014

QSB said:
Get him really drunk, pack up your stuff, and LEAVE when he passes out. Get a friend to get you out and to a safe place. Don't talk to him again, don't leave a note, change your phone number, and tell everyone that knows both of you what an ass he is. Leave, leave NOW, and never look back.

I'm at my moms at the moment so I'm not at home with him, but I will need to find a way to get my stuff.

justyouraveragemama · October 2014

pkp2 said:
I'm a lurker and haven't made an intro yet, but I wanted to comment. This is not, in any way, normal behavior in a healthy relationship. It will not get better. He will not change. It is likely he would either treat your child the same way, or raise them to behave the same way to you. Please don't let fear of the unknown keep you in an abusive relationship. You are worth so much and deserve so much more than that. There is a man out there that will always treat you like a queen and your child too. But you will never meet him, or know that kind of love if you stay. The hardest part will be to find the courage and make the leap to leave, but I believe you will be so much happier without him. Do you have family or a friend that would help?

I have family, my best friend would help but she is also like a sister to my fiancé so my best bet would be family.

justyouraveragemama · October 2014

Thank you guys so much, you all have given me exactly what I needed to hear. I think I knew how bad it was subconsciously but I didn't want to admit it. I'm going to do everything possible to protect me and the baby. I can't change him but I can change who is around me and involved in my life. I think I need to focus more on the things I can change instead of who/what I can't change.

Smash1215 · October 2014

RUN!!! Be strong for you and your baby. You deserve better than this.

shauna4608 · October 2014

ballerinamom said:

QSB said:
Get him really drunk, pack up your stuff, and LEAVE when he passes out. Get a friend to get you out and to a safe place. Don't talk to him again, don't leave a note, change your phone number, and tell everyone that knows both of you what an ass he is. Leave, leave NOW, and never look back.
I'm at my moms at the moment so I'm not at home with him, but I will need to find a way to get my stuff.

You can ask for a police escort at any time, you also might want to consider involving the police so you have this behaviour on file incase he tries to get partial custody of the baby.

justyouraveragemama · October 2014

shauna4608 said:

ballerinamom said:

QSB said:
Get him really drunk, pack up your stuff, and LEAVE when he passes out. Get a friend to get you out and to a safe place. Don't talk to him again, don't leave a note, change your phone number, and tell everyone that knows both of you what an ass he is. Leave, leave NOW, and never look back.
I'm at my moms at the moment so I'm not at home with him, but I will need to find a way to get my stuff.
You can ask for a police escort at any time, you also might want to consider involving the police so you have this behaviour on file incase he tries to get partial custody of the baby.

My step dad is a police officer so he will be able to help me with that if need be.

justyouraveragemama · October 2014

SharkFarts said:

ballerinamom said:

QSB said:
Get him really drunk, pack up your stuff, and LEAVE when he passes out. Get a friend to get you out and to a safe place. Don't talk to him again, don't leave a note, change your phone number, and tell everyone that knows both of you what an ass he is. Leave, leave NOW, and never look back.
I'm at my moms at the moment so I'm not at home with him, but I will need to find a way to get my stuff.

A third party needs to go and get your stuff. But really, your stuff is not what's important now. You need to make sure you are completely safe from him.

I am, my moms is the safest place I could go.

justyouraveragemama · October 2014

mbm1983 said:
Save every voicemail and text message if they are threatening. I'm not a lawyer but friends of mine have brought things like this to court to secure a restraining order if need be.

Sounds like you have a plan. Hope you have enough strength and determination to follow through. Thoughts and prayers are with you!

Thank you

justyouraveragemama · October 2014

QSB said:

ballerinamom said:

shauna4608 said:

ballerinamom said:

QSB said:
Get him really drunk, pack up your stuff, and LEAVE when he passes out. Get a friend to get you out and to a safe place. Don't talk to him again, don't leave a note, change your phone number, and tell everyone that knows both of you what an ass he is. Leave, leave NOW, and never look back.
I'm at my moms at the moment so I'm not at home with him, but I will need to find a way to get my stuff.
You can ask for a police escort at any time, you also might want to consider involving the police so you have this behaviour on file incase he tries to get partial custody of the baby.
My step dad is a police officer so he will be able to help me with that if need be.

Just talk to him about this whole situation. Lay it all out, and have him help you come up with a plan.

Will do. Thank you.

Ncountrygal · October 2014

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Your partner is NOT going to start treating you better. Abuse runs in cycles but doesn't ago until you leave the situation. I'm glad you're at your mom's. Keep a clear head, don't let feelings of guilt, sympathy, responsibility etc get to you. This is NOT your fault in any way. Keep yourself and your baby safe.

27boo · October 2014

I'm sorry you are going through this. Be as strong as you can for yourself and your sweet baby. That's the most important thing.

somewheresublime86 · October 2014

Do NOT go back to the house to get your things. It is a recipe for disaster; this is escalating. Have someone go for you, and/or have a police officer assist in the process.

Good luck and be strong!

theinvadermothership · October 2014

Yes, i must reiterate, save every text, voicemail, email... that is so important if he tries anything funny in terms of trying to take legal action. This is for your safety and your child's. I do hope your mother's is not super close by. If it is, i still recommend going out for anything with someone and don't answer the door or take his calls. When he realizes how permanent this situation is, he may attempt to contact you, or worse, kidnap or harm you in public! And if he claims he's going to kill himself, call the police. It is a crime to attempt suicide... and then he will really have a shit bag to deal with.

Just please stay safe. And I'm really sorry this happened to you. Stay strong girl. Nothing is impossible and you will find yourself stronger in the long run.

Cali2090 · October 2014

So sorry your dealing with this

I think if you even have to ask this kind of thing- you already know the answer deep down. He sounds like a controlling man and that isn't something that just goes away.

Yaz14 · October 2014

I agree with everything everyone else has said but just wanted to say I am so sorry you're going through this and I'm glad you seem to have a plan in place. Good luck and please keep us updated.

jk3610 · October 2014

Good luck to you. Never been through this personally but sounds like you took the first big step. You should feel proud for being so strong.

charlie1993 · October 2014

Get out now

SuperFudge00 · October 2014

I can only echo PPs and add to stay strong for baby and yourself. Please keep us posted!!! (Hugs)

Chelseelauren · October 2014

I agree with everything everyone else has said. I was in an eerily similar situation when I was younger.

Begin by calling him your EX. Do NOT continue to call him a 'fiance' because you will confuse yourself.

Have someone else go get your stuff. Preferably your step dad (cause he's a cop)

DO NOT MEET HIM IN PRIVATE OR PUBLIC.

DO NOT ANSWER HIS TEXTS/PHONE CALLS.

Change your number.

Think of your unborn child. What kind of relationship do you want him/her to have in the future? You are your child's example. Be what you want him/her to aspire to be.

HZ2012 · October 2014

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.

All the pp's gave great advice. I just wanted to reiterate that after baby comes, things get MORE stressful, you will be sleep deprived, money may be tighter, you can't just go and do as you please, so the chances of him changing for the better are quite slim.

It sounds like you've got a plan and I hope that you get out NOW. Not only is he is toxic for you and your well being, but your poor baby would grow up thinking this is normal, and either end up in an abusive relationship like Mom being treated like a prisoner, or be an abuser like Dad. Stop the cycle now - you can do it. Stay strong. Hugs.

Sargeantpepper · October 2014

I've been there. It's emotional abuse and it won't change. It will only get worse. My advice would be to walk while you can. It's hard but you can do it.

MagalinaH · October 2014

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I will echo everyone else's statements that you need stay away from this man and document everything. I'm glad to hear that you're in a safe place at your moms. Absolutely do NOT go back and get your things, send someone to get them for you. Sending hugs as you navigate this difficult time.

RIngReady · October 2014

KateRN08 said:

Also, give the baby your last time.

Absolutely!!!!

The hospital is entitled to ask, but you are not required to give them the information regarding birth farther. Tell them it is unknown and your last name is to be baby's last name!!!!

Callahannah · October 2014

I've only lurked on this forum so far, but I'm going to go ahead and give my two cents worth here.

First, remember that emotional abuse is just as real as physical abuse. The fact that he has not hit you does not mean that he has not hurt you.

I left an semi-abusive, cult-like relationship myself just months ago. My father, though a decent dad for most of my childhood, refused to recognize that I was an adult and didn't let me make decisions for myself (at age 20). When he threatened to break my engagement because my fiancé and I weren't doing things the exact way he wanted things done, I decided to move to my (then future) in- laws home until my dad either started acting reasonable or my fiancé and I could elope. When I tried to leave the house, however, my dad physically restrained me and told me I was not allowed to leave the house without his permission. I managed to escape and elope a few days later, thank God, but that whole episode prompted me to do a lot of studying on the different varieties of abuse.

From what you've said so far, you seem to be using your head and applying common sense to the situation. Good for you.

Leaving someone who was an important part of your life isn't always easy, so surround yourself with people who care for you and will be willing to listen to any doubts or concerns you have and give you honest, logical answers. There are also many online websites and such with helpful resources for those who are trying to know whether or not they've been emotionally abused, if you want to look into that.

I lost most of my possessions, so I know how frustrating it can be to not have your stuff. However, like others here have said, you do NOT need to be the one to go back and get it. Find some way to have someone else do it. Even if you lose a few things, remember that you and your baby are far more valuable than any possessions.

I would highly recommend getting a restraining order against him if you can. If not, change up whatever habits you can to avoid letting him "accidentally" run into you, and get a new number or AT LEAST block his number. Change the locks on anything he might have the key to. Don't be afraid to let people know that the engagement is off and why. YOU don't have anything to be ashamed of.

justyouraveragemama · October 2014

Thanks ladies, you all have helped so much. I will definitely keep you updated on what happens. Thanks again.

lneice0160 · October 2014

Honestly get out before baby is born. As someone that was a child that was in a situation with my mom and almost stepparent, he was very controlling like that and used me as a way to get my mom to stay...it eventually got worse and he started physically abusing her.
It got to a point where I was on vacation with my grandparents and they got into a fight and she was admitted to the hospital for a couple days.
Please get out while you can now, it'll only be harder when you have the baby because I guarantee he'll say you can't take him/her because it's his baby too.
You have so many options for help.

miahbelle · October 2014

Everyone has given good advice. I'm sorry you're going through this! Just wanted to say that I grew up with a verbally/emotionally abusive father. And no he didn't remain just verbally abusive. He tried to be physical but he was disabled and it often didn't turn out well. Please listen to the advice given to you.

thing3ontheway · October 2014

Like the ladies here have said. You NEED to leave for the safety of yourself and your baby. Please do NOT marry this asshat! Time to pack and go. You'll be so much better off. People do not deserve to be treated like that not should they ever. RUN! I wish you the best!

rooboo111 · October 2014

a REAL man would never treat you like that, only an insecure small minded coward. Leave now while you still can...

NoraMia · October 2014

I just saw this post but I agree 100% with all the ladies. You have to leave and never look back. He will not change, he will just manipulate you into thinking it will be different. Get a restraining order and do not let him near your child. My prayers are with you. Good luck and please keep us updated.

topaz7777 · October 2014

First, I'll admit I didn't read everyone's comments on this before replying so I'm probably going to say the same thing but:

BTDT. And three years later he did finally lay his hands on me when he lost his temper one day. I really never thought he would, and I thought it was my own fault for a long time. Just be careful please.

tillabeth · October 2014

Your answer is in your question! Emotional abuse is dangerous amd soon it will be physical leave this man while you can once the baby is here it will be so much harder!!!! Get out now!
Violence against women is so common and so many women stay for all the wrong reasons but you have the perfect reason to for your bubs sake! This is not healthy for you! Please take all this advise from every single one of us and leave!!!!

bsdub · October 2014

@ballerinamom‌ I have been thinking of you as well. I hope everything is going well. Please know that no matter what decision you made were here to support you. Sending >:D< to you.

justyouraveragemama · October 2014

@bsdub @kris10michelle‌ Hey guys, things have been much much better lately! I haven't been this happy in a while. My friends have been really supportive and have helped me continue to stay out of contact with him. I'm still staying with my mom right now but I'm hoping to find a new place to live sometime soon. I can't thank you guys enough for helping me see things clearly and giving me the strength to actually leave him. Thank you!

>:D<

Edited to tag because I forgot to

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