Working VS. SAHM

EdenAurora · October 2014

I was a SAHM for 9 years with my three older children. With this baby I will be working full-time. I make more than dh and have better (though not great) benefits. This baby will be in daycare but it's a fantastic center that is a language immersion school. It's super close to work and I will be able to visit during the day to nurse him. I'd love to stay home but I really like my job and feel this is a great solution for us.

KMommytobe · October 2014

I love being a SAHM!! I wouldn't trade it for the world!

I do agree with a pp who said it depends on your personality though. I have always wanted to SAH, I've never been a career person... though I of course worked until we had our first child.

For us we saved SO much money by not having to pay for daycare (it's crazy expensive here), especially as this is our 3rd child in the last few years. Daycare costs would have been insane. I've really enjoyed getting to witness every moment, every "first" as well, it's just something that's always been a priority for me over a career and I'm very lucky that my husband feels the same and has a salary that supports our family.

PikoPiko · October 2014

I'm still undecided. I used to love my job until a reorg happened and I found myself on a team of people that I really hate. When I get my little one home, I will not be able to travel like I used to. I seriously doubt there will be much of a career for me if I'm unable to travel. True that other folks on the team have kids too, but they're not female and babies rely on their mothers when they're so young. Fortunately DH and I are financially solid with no debt or mortgage and we'll be just as comfortable even on DH's salary alone. It's quite likely I'll become a sahm. A part of me feel sad about the effort i've put in to get to where i am, ive completed grad school and all that jazz, seems like so much of a waste. I get 5 months of maternity leave and then DH will take his leave for 3 months. I'll use those 3 months to evaluate how I feel about working vs being a sahm.

Koukonei · October 2014

I feel very lucky that I am able to take off more time than most. I currently run a dayhome so if I wanted to work sooner than a year I wouldn't have to leave or pay for childcare. That being said, I am planning on taking some courses online while I'm at home, I love cooking and being with kids, but I need something else to keep my adult sanity lol. My mom was a stay at home mom for 14 years and 3 kids later she really lost who SHE was. That scares me to no end (I know that doesn't happen to everybody, just my experience).

toadandbug12 · October 2014

Thank you to everyone who replied. It's very helpful to hear of other people's experiences and plans while I am in the midst of making my own decision.

Very interesting how everyone is so different, and one thing may work for one person and not for another.

@seamonster Yes, the thought of keeping my pension and staying "active" in the field is a big pro, regardless of the money. My own future is something I have to keep in mind as well as my future children's. When I'm older and my children "leave the nest" I'd like to travel with my H and enjoy retirement life with him.

coloradoginger · October 2014

I am struggling with this decision. My husband and I have both worked hard to earn graduate degrees. We both have demanding, fulfilling jobs (he's a medical resident and I'm an attorney). There are compelling reasons for me to stay home (we don't discuss my husband staying home for a variety of reasons-- his job has the much bigger expected payout, he's not interested in being a full-time stay-at-home dad, etc). Our jobs are stressful and me staying home would allow us to move closer to his place of employment and thus cut down on commute time. Neither of our jobs are flexible-- between him doing surgeries and me in trials, we can't exactly drop what we're doing to go get a sick kid from daycare, for example. Daycare in our area is also super expensive and would eat up most of my current income. When we had discussed starting a family, we had talked about how me staying home was important to both of us; however, we weren't planning on having any kids for a few years. I think the planner in me is having a hard time re-adjusting to the situation.

CogDis · October 2014

I have nothing to add, I'm a FTM, but I wanted to thank you all (and the op) for your thoughtful responses. It is really helping me think it through!

acpruchnik · October 2014

I've been SAHM, full-time/part-time working mom (with and without a full school schedule on top of it) and now I'm a WAHM. They're all hard IMO and I prefer the WAHM schedule out of all of them so far. I've been doing it since July and so far it's been great! Our budget has definitely changed since I did a spell of bed rest and lost a few clients over it, but money is starting to show back up and I picked up some work with a photographer so prom/graduation season is gonna be a good one this year! Luckily she offered me the ability to bring one or both kids to shoots with me without me having to ask so it was a no-brainer for me lol

I started to feel cooped up and isolated when I was a SAHM (we had moved across the country where I knew no one and I was stuck in the house with a 4 month old all day cos we had one car and he worked an hour away) and when I was gone with school and/or work I felt terrible because I was lucky to get to see DS more than an hour or two a day during the week. We were definitely comfortable financially, but I missed out on so many firsts that I'll never have with him again. I know now I had WAY too much on my plate and I wish I had reevaluated my decision so I didn't miss so much. I also grew up with a SAHM and she didn't go to work until I was a teenager and had my own job and I absolutely loved it. My mum swears she loved being home with us and I remember her volunteering at my school when I was little, which I loved too. I think I just don't feel as guilty working from home because I can be home with my kid(s), don't have to worry about a daycare bill that we would struggle to afford for 2 kids anyway and I know I'm contributing financially as well as not being too tired to function when I get home like I was from working myself too hard.

Whatever you choose, make sure YOU are happy with it at the end of the day, along with your family of course, and that you're not just doing it out of necessity. I know I'd personally start to resent myself, DH and decision if I was guilted into one thing or the other.

*BTW: Make sure whatever you choose, you still make time for your own quiet time. It's easy to forget to be good to yourself when you're being good to your family. I've recently learned how important this is since I'm m the primary caregiver for my DS and it's making a world of difference!

PeanettyGoodness · October 2014

I work from home taking care of my mother in law who is disabled. With that being said, I will be being a stay at home mom, because I will be here, while taking care of my mother in law and her needs. I've considered going to school while I am working from home, but we'll have to see how it goes. My husband and I are going to homeschool, so one of us needs to be here for that.

toadandbug12 · October 2014

acpruchnik said:

I've been SAHM, full-time/part-time working mom (with and without a full school schedule on top of it) and now I'm a WAHM. They're all hard IMO and I prefer the WAHM schedule out of all of them so far. I've been doing it since July and so far it's been great! Our budget has definitely changed since I did a spell of bed rest and lost a few clients over it, but money is starting to show back up and I picked up some work with a photographer so prom/graduation season is gonna be a good one this year! Luckily she offered me the ability to bring one or both kids to shoots with me without me having to ask so it was a no-brainer for me lol

I started to feel cooped up and isolated when I was a SAHM (we had moved across the country where I knew no one and I was stuck in the house with a 4 month old all day cos we had one car and he worked an hour away) and when I was gone with school and/or work I felt terrible because I was lucky to get to see DS more than an hour or two a day during the week. We were definitely comfortable financially, but I missed out on so many firsts that I'll never have with him again. I know now I had WAY too much on my plate and I wish I had reevaluated my decision so I didn't miss so much. I also grew up with a SAHM and she didn't go to work until I was a teenager and had my own job and I absolutely loved it. My mum swears she loved being home with us and I remember her volunteering at my school when I was little, which I loved too. I think I just don't feel as guilty working from home because I can be home with my kid(s), don't have to worry about a daycare bill that we would struggle to afford for 2 kids anyway and I know I'm contributing financially as well as not being too tired to function when I get home like I was from working myself too hard.

Whatever you choose, make sure YOU are happy with it at the end of the day, along with your family of course, and that you're not just doing it out of necessity. I know I'd personally start to resent myself, DH and decision if I was guilted into one thing or the other.

*BTW: Make sure whatever you choose, you still make time for your own quiet time. It's easy to forget to be good to yourself when you're being good to your family. I've recently learned how important this is since I'm m the primary caregiver for my DS and it's making a world of difference!

I completely agree with the fact *YOU* have to be happy with the decision. This is why it's weighing me down so much, since my FI just wants me to be happy. The decision is completely on *me,* and sometimes I have a hard time deciphering what I want as an individual because I'm always trying to please everyone else. If that makes any sense...

chicagojackie · October 2014

The decision to stay at home or not is increasingly becoming a financial argument.

"In a household with one worker and one preschool-aged child, the parent needs to make $26 an hour, or about $55,000 a year, on average, to achieve basic economic security in the U.S. -- meaning the parent can afford things like child care and health care and still have enough to save a little -- according to Working Opportunities for Women. For a family with two working parents and one preschool-aged kid, each parent needs to be making about $15 an hour."

Full article: https://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/5537503

Moms that have the luxury of choosing frequently have bachelors+ education, had higher paying jobs pre-pregnancy and are in a two-earner situation.

This economy is so incredibly hard. All moms be nice to each other because ultimately we may be talking about finances and that's just not nice.

winterbabe2015 · October 2014

I gave been a SAHM for 6 years. This will be our 3rd child. My husband and I had decided that when we had our 1st I would stay home. Finances have never really played a part in our decision as his salary is more than adequate. There are times he has to travel for a couple weeks at a time and it was important to us that the kids had a parent available at all times. Before my oldest started school we would travel with him so they could see the world and not have to be away from Daddy also. It is very rewarding IMO but it does take a strong personality to be happy with it. You have to realize that your worth is not wrapped up in a salary that you may bring home but inside yourself and is "paid out" in every little extra detail you are able to devote your "extra" time to. My husband's "job" is to make the family money, be a great father and husband and help if I ask him to. Literally everything else is taken care of by me from paying the bills, managing all of the investments, laundry, cooking, etc. There is never a day off unless I schedule a day or time for him to watch the kids. This works for us very well. It fulfills my type A personality of needing to know everything is done and done correctly and he doesn't have to worry about anything other than enjoying me and the kids. It makes his work less stressful since he can focus on the job at hand and not worry about home life.

Sorry if this seems kind of all over the place, tried typing it on mobile with 2 kids wanting to blow bubbles :-)

kerrycharpe · October 2014

I stayed home with DD until she was 2. It was really hard on me. I have a really hard time being dependent on someone else and not earning my own paycheck. We realistically couldn't afford it but my XH demanded it. For that reason it was stressful and we couldn't do much due to budget. Being a FT working mom is HARD. You learn to make compromises and get very good at priorities. DD is the type of kid who loves people and is very more-the-merrier. She was SO happy in daycare bc of all the excitement and constant activity.
I worked for the last 7 years. When this baby arrives, I'm planning to stay home FT for 4-6 months and then pick up freelance work. It's not financially worth it to me to hire a nanny - we live in an extremely expensive area. My DH is the opposite of my first husband and incredibly supportive which I think will make it much easier for me.

acpruchnik · October 2014

toadandbug12 said:

acpruchnik said:

I've been SAHM, full-time/part-time working mom (with and without a full school schedule on top of it) and now I'm a WAHM. They're all hard IMO and I prefer the WAHM schedule out of all of them so far. I've been doing it since July and so far it's been great! Our budget has definitely changed since I did a spell of bed rest and lost a few clients over it, but money is starting to show back up and I picked up some work with a photographer so prom/graduation season is gonna be a good one this year! Luckily she offered me the ability to bring one or both kids to shoots with me without me having to ask so it was a no-brainer for me lol

I started to feel cooped up and isolated when I was a SAHM (we had moved across the country where I knew no one and I was stuck in the house with a 4 month old all day cos we had one car and he worked an hour away) and when I was gone with school and/or work I felt terrible because I was lucky to get to see DS more than an hour or two a day during the week. We were definitely comfortable financially, but I missed out on so many firsts that I'll never have with him again. I know now I had WAY too much on my plate and I wish I had reevaluated my decision so I didn't miss so much. I also grew up with a SAHM and she didn't go to work until I was a teenager and had my own job and I absolutely loved it. My mum swears she loved being home with us and I remember her volunteering at my school when I was little, which I loved too. I think I just don't feel as guilty working from home because I can be home with my kid(s), don't have to worry about a daycare bill that we would struggle to afford for 2 kids anyway and I know I'm contributing financially as well as not being too tired to function when I get home like I was from working myself too hard.

Whatever you choose, make sure YOU are happy with it at the end of the day, along with your family of course, and that you're not just doing it out of necessity. I know I'd personally start to resent myself, DH and decision if I was guilted into one thing or the other.

*BTW: Make sure whatever you choose, you still make time for your own quiet time. It's easy to forget to be good to yourself when you're being good to your family. I've recently learned how important this is since I'm m the primary caregiver for my DS and it's making a world of difference!

I completely agree with the fact *YOU* have to be happy with the decision. This is why it's weighing me down so much, since my FI just wants me to be happy. The decision is completely on *me,* and sometimes I have a hard time deciphering what I want as an individual because I'm always trying to please everyone else. If that makes any sense...

It makes complete sense to me and that's why you have to think long and hard about what you want to do. Having that support behind you is amazing but there's always going to be someone that's going to try to make you feel bad about your decision and you have to be prepared for that. As long as you and FI are on the same page about what you feel is best for your family then you should be fine and always remember to keep that line of communication open no matter what. It's much easier to be happy about your decisions when you know you're being supported! Luckily you have time to decide what you want to do and I hope you don't have a moment of guilt over whatever you decide to do! Remember, a happy mama is the best thing for her family and herself

toadandbug12 · October 2014

acpruchnik said:

acpruchnik said:

I've been SAHM, full-time/part-time working mom (with and without a full school schedule on top of it) and now I'm a WAHM. They're all hard IMO and I prefer the WAHM schedule out of all of them so far. I've been doing it since July and so far it's been great! Our budget has definitely changed since I did a spell of bed rest and lost a few clients over it, but money is starting to show back up and I picked up some work with a photographer so prom/graduation season is gonna be a good one this year! Luckily she offered me the ability to bring one or both kids to shoots with me without me having to ask so it was a no-brainer for me lol

I started to feel cooped up and isolated when I was a SAHM (we had moved across the country where I knew no one and I was stuck in the house with a 4 month old all day cos we had one car and he worked an hour away) and when I was gone with school and/or work I felt terrible because I was lucky to get to see DS more than an hour or two a day during the week. We were definitely comfortable financially, but I missed out on so many firsts that I'll never have with him again. I know now I had WAY too much on my plate and I wish I had reevaluated my decision so I didn't miss so much. I also grew up with a SAHM and she didn't go to work until I was a teenager and had my own job and I absolutely loved it. My mum swears she loved being home with us and I remember her volunteering at my school when I was little, which I loved too. I think I just don't feel as guilty working from home because I can be home with my kid(s), don't have to worry about a daycare bill that we would struggle to afford for 2 kids anyway and I know I'm contributing financially as well as not being too tired to function when I get home like I was from working myself too hard.

Whatever you choose, make sure YOU are happy with it at the end of the day, along with your family of course, and that you're not just doing it out of necessity. I know I'd personally start to resent myself, DH and decision if I was guilted into one thing or the other.

*BTW: Make sure whatever you choose, you still make time for your own quiet time. It's easy to forget to be good to yourself when you're being good to your family. I've recently learned how important this is since I'm m the primary caregiver for my DS and it's making a world of difference!

I completely agree with the fact *YOU* have to be happy with the decision. This is why it's weighing me down so much, since my FI just wants me to be happy. The decision is completely on *me,* and sometimes I have a hard time deciphering what I want as an individual because I'm always trying to please everyone else. If that makes any sense...
It makes complete sense to me and that's why you have to think long and hard about what you want to do. Having that support behind you is amazing but there's always going to be someone that's going to try to make you feel bad about your decision and you have to be prepared for that. As long as you and FI are on the same page about what you feel is best for your family then you should be fine and always remember to keep that line of communication open no matter what. It's much easier to be happy about your decisions when you know you're being supported! Luckily you have time to decide what you want to do and I hope you don't have a moment of guilt over whatever you decide to do! Remember, a happy mama is the best thing for her family and herself

People WILL always have an unwelcome comment no matter what you do! I never understood that - if you don't like somebody's PERSONAL decision that has nothing to do with your own life, why are you commenting at all? No matter what I decide, there will be people in my life who think I should have done the opposite, and it will probably be hard on me at first. But I do have a lot of time to make my decision (6 months after baby comes), so I know I will know for sure what is best for my family instead of trying to guess like I am now. Everyone has brought up good points so far that I will take into consideration as well.

A happy mama is definitely the best thing I'm all about that you have to take care of yourself emotionally & physically in order to be the best mom and wife for your family. I feel like today there is tons of pressure on women to do and be everything - the career women, the SAHM, the chef, the maid, etc. and they are supposed to do it with a smile and not ever stop to think about themselves. I already know I can't do it all, so I want to pick what I can be the best at!

daciadanae · October 2014

@toadandbug12 - As far as keeping up with the household work, well frankly it's hard to do once you have a child period, haha. I stayed at home with DS for the first 18 months and our house was NOT perfect. Not because I didn't want it to be, but it really does shock you as a FTM how much time you spend tending to the baby, running errands, or taking a few minutes break for your sanity. Once I went back to work full-time (I've been back at work for 6 months now), I really had to let go the idea of my house being spotless. I spend a little time each evening to keep things from getting completely out of control. Really though, I would rather have a less-than-pinterest-perfect house than giving up ALL of my time with my family. Anytime I've worried when I've had company over, those with children remind me that their house looks about the same, haha

michelle142 · October 2014

I'm a working Mom. Not happy about it, but it's what is necessary.

I work FT and I carry the health benefits for the whole family.

In a perfect world, I would work PT much closer to home and have my babies in my care much more often during the week. That's just not in the cards for us right now.

bhjones1980 · October 2014

umbcpt said:

I work full time outside the home, and am very fortunate to love my career. For me, working makes me a better mom. But one thing I want to say, is that daycare doesn't raise my children...my husband and I do.

Agreed, that phrase rubbed me the wrong way in the OP regarding someone else "raising your children".

I am a full time working mom, I am out of the house for 11 hours a day during the week with my schedule and commute, I also travel for work quite a bit during certain times of the year (I have had three business trips 5 days each in the last month).

I still do not feel like anyone else is "raising my child", DS and I are both better off with me working outside the home, he enjoys the interaction and stimulation of daycare.

acpruchnik · October 2014

bhjones1980 said:

umbcpt said:

I work full time outside the home, and am very fortunate to love my career. For me, working makes me a better mom. But one thing I want to say, is that daycare doesn't raise my children...my husband and I do.

Agreed, that phrase rubbed me the wrong way in the OP regarding someone else "raising your children".

I am a full time working mom, I am out of the house for 11 hours a day during the week with my schedule and commute, I also travel for work quite a bit during certain times of the year (I have had three business trips 5 days each in the last month).

I still do not feel like anyone else is "raising my child", DS and I are both better off with me working outside the home, he enjoys the interaction and stimulation of daycare.

My niece was in daycare until she started school this year and she loved it! It taught her SO much and her social skills already surpass her older SS' who didn't go to one. Not saying kids that don't go to daycare can't and don't have social skills or anything like that, but I feel like it was the best thing for her and I'm glad my brother didn't snub the idea of sending her to one. We would have done daycare with DS if we could have afforded it when we were in Michigan. We lucked out that the public schools started offering early intervention preschool (he's Autistic and they get him therapies and socialization skills along with basic learning) by the time we moved back to Arizona and that it's free!

I think the parents that rely more on the daycare than they actually need to end up giving it a bad wrap and the parents that actually need it end up taking the fall. I've watched my cousin and his ex do this to their son and they've even admitted to it. They act like its some kind of game and the state pays for his daycare so they go play with their friends and one of his grandmas picks him up most of the time (he spends more time with everyone else than his parents). It's so sad to me and I hate the image it portrays on top of my little cousin being pushed aside by lazy parents.

toadandbug12 · October 2014

daciadanae said:

@toadandbug12 - As far as keeping up with the household work, well frankly it's hard to do once you have a child period, haha. I stayed at home with DS for the first 18 months and our house was NOT perfect. Not because I didn't want it to be, but it really does shock you as a FTM how much time you spend tending to the baby, running errands, or taking a few minutes break for your sanity. Once I went back to work full-time (I've been back at work for 6 months now), I really had to let go the idea of my house being spotless. I spend a little time each evening to keep things from getting completely out of control. Really though, I would rather have a less-than-pinterest-perfect house than giving up ALL of my time with my family. Anytime I've worried when I've had company over, those with children remind me that their house looks about the same, haha

I am anticipating having to adjust to a different looking house once baby comes. Not that I have a perfect Pinterest house now, but at least I have the luxury to clean/do laundry without interruptions. I struggle to keep up now with everything, and that's only working full time, so I am expecting to feel a little overwhelmed at first. But like everything else, it will take learning how to do things differently and adjusting to life with a LO! I also agree with the fact I'd rather spend time with my family than spend time doing chores. I feel like kids really appreciate that when they get a little older.

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