How would you handle this?

MrsT0514 · October 2014

First off, I am eternally grateful to my mom for how involved she is in our lives and all the help she lends us with DS, even though she lives a state away. Her and I are very close and I consider her my best friend.

She stayed with DS and I this weekend while DH was away and for the most part its been great having her here. Though there have been a few things we dont see eye to eye on, and I figured I'd ask you guys your opinion to see if the way I'm feeling is at all warranted or if I just need to stfu and quit being so hormonal and overly sensitive.

DS and I both had colds earlier in the week but all thats remained is a runny nose. He hasn't been running a fever at all and for the most part has been eating, drinking, & acting like his normal, active toddler self. I know my mom is just being a doting, concerned grandma, but at times she seems to overreact.

All weekend she's been asking me to feel his forehead bc "feels warm", or if he's just fussing about something, she'll say "maybe you should give him some motrin. I dont think he feels well". But 5 minutes after, he's running around acting completely fine. I understand its a grandparent's job to dote on their grandkids and DS absolutely adores her, which I love to see, but when she makes comments to me constantly like "well why dont you just snuggle/cuddle him/give him motrin...He's clearly not feeling well", its frustrating to me, bc to her, he's "not feeling well" seemingly every time she visits, when I know he's just being a toddler, and toddlers can sometimes get fussy/cranky for no reason.

Am I just being overly sensitive here? Do I need to just suck it up and shut up, or am I justified in taking it a bit personally when she says this stuff? When I try to explain to her that he's fine, hes not running a fever, he's acting normal and he's just being a toddler, she rolls her eyes and gets passive aggressive with me. Then she'll say "ok well you know your kid better than I would..:: scoff::" Which in turn, pisses me off, bc I feel like she's undermining my ability to read my own kid/know when he's sick vs. just being temperamental.

I feel like, bc how close her and I are, we should able to talk candidly about stuff like this, but she doesn't take well to it, when I try to explain to her how it makes me feel. She just gets defensive and pissy with me. So idk. Maybe its me just being an overly sensitive ball of hormones and I need to just let this stuff roll off my back, since she's the one here helping me out. WDYT?

/dear diary...sorry folks!

BluepointToasted · October 2014

No advice, but you are not alone. This is exactly how my mother and MIL act, which I why I can't handle extended interactions. I deal with it pretty much the same as you, say only what needs to be said and move along

MrsT0514 · October 2014

BluepointToasted said:
No advice, but you are not alone. This is exactly how my mother and MIL act, which I why I can't handle extended interactions. I deal with it pretty much the same as you, say only what needs to be said and move along

Well I'm sorry to hear that you deal with the same frustrations, but its good to know I'm not totally crazy for feeling the way I do. Ugh. Its frustrating. Especially when she gets all passive aggressive and says "in jest" thats I'm being a "hardass mom". It just plain hurts my feelings.

BluepointToasted · October 2014

My mother STILL makes comments about how "she never made any of is cry" because I did CIO with ds....19 months ago! In the same breath she says how we all slept like shit, lol.

She thinks I'm mean too. Oh well

MrsT0514 · October 2014

@CtGirl30 I purposely phrase it with the "when you say this...it makes me feel like.." but yeah. She's never taken well to criticism and I can't ever remember getting an apology from her, even when its due. Which is also frustrating, bc it feels like she doesnt even hear me when I talk to her about how I feel.

SpaceGirlSpiff · October 2014

At this point I'm pretty grumpy lately with the hormones and lack of patience so I'd probably snap something like "he's fine, I got this, calm down" .... My mom and I sometimes have a tension so that makes it worse.... But that probably isn't the correct way to go about it. Ha

Sorry .. There really isn't a way to address it without hurt feelings on her end from what it sounds like so... I'd say only address it or confront her on it if the battle seems worth picking When looking at the big picture

NeneCakies · October 2014

The good thing about fevers is temps can be measured. It's not subjective. Show her the thermometer. No fever, no drugs, end of discussion. For other situations, you will have to talk about your feelings with her. GL.

MrsT0514 · October 2014

@SpaceGirlSpiff‌ haha, my patience seems to be in the negative lately as well, so I totally hear what you're saying!

It just gets so irritating to hear "I dont think he's feeling well" whenever he throws a mini fit about something (and my kid isnt huge on tantruming, so its usually like a 2 minute piss fit he pitches), pretty much every.single.time she comes to visit. I mean c'mon....it doesn't always mean he's sick...it means he's acting like a typical toddler.

MrsT0514 · October 2014

Also, my biggest concern is if I'm feeling frustrated with her like this after 2 days, how is it going to be when she comes to stay with us for 2 weeks after the baby is born?

On one hand, I will certainly need her here to help with caring for the toddler, and to help with cooking/cleaning/grocery store runs, especially when DH needs to go back to work (vacation time for him isnt an option bc we need the $$ & he doesn't get paid time off). But OTOH, I'm not looking forward to all the commentary from her in addition to my PP hormones and sleep deprivation!

RayRay007 · October 2014

I think your feelings are warranted but at the same time, I think you need to let it roll off your back. Give her the benefit of the doubt that she's not doubting you, she's just being a concerned grandparent. Or try, at least. And keep repeating, "no he's fine" and "no, he's just acting like a x year old", etc. or just Ignore it. Eventually maybe she'll get the hint that she's not getting any where with her comments.

MrsT0514 · October 2014

@ClaryPax‌ yeah, i mean, 2 weeks isnt set in stone or anything. I just know MH was stubborn when we had our DS, and we sort of took the "we need to do it on our own" route, which was so overwhelming for me, especially when he went back to work and I had to juggle a cranky newborn on my own (we ended up finding out he was MPI, which explains why he was so cranky, poor guy!).

So this time around, especially having an active toddler already, I told MH I wanted to have her here since we will clearly need the extra help. So I guess we'll play it by ear when determining how long she stays...but I'm sure you're right, I'll probably be too busy with the baby to realize her comments then. Or maybe things will be so busy here in general that she won't seem to fixate so much.

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