Anyone else still having in-law issues?

babybuns2 · October 2014

I don't know what to do regarding my MIL anymore. From day one, she's always been pushy, bossy, and frankly, immature. But since having DD it is way out of control, and she's started to get mean. Example: the day we brought DD home from the hospital, she stopped by unannounced and uninvited, and when DH finally told her we needed to rest, she handed DD back to me and said "I have to give you back to your mommy, I know it makes you upset, I know you don't want to be with mommy". Seriously. I'm not joking. She basically told me that my first child, who I had delivered less than 48 hours prior, didn't want to be with me. She's continued to say things like "mommy doesn't know how long you need to nap for, 15 minutes is just right, she doesn't know what she's talking about" and "don't use your left hand (as she swats DD's hand away) it's bad to be left handed" (WTF?!) and on and on and on.

One of my pet peeves with her is that she always tells me what's going to happen, and when it's going to happen. Never asks. Example "SIL and I will be coming over to your house this week to see the baby. We're available, Monday, Thursday, or Friday." That was literally, word for word, the email I just got from her. (for the record, I don't let her come over anymore. I just tell her we're not available... and then she throws a tantrum, but I don't give a sh!t)

DH and I have sat down with her and told her that she's being unkind and inappropriate, and she had a full fledged meltdown, complete with uncontrollable sobs and "this is devastating for me, I don't understand why everyone hates me" crap. Basically, she made herself the victim.

I'm at the end of my rope. I don't know what to do other than tell DH that he can go see his family, but DD and I (and baby#2) will not be joining him from now on. I refuse to have her undermine my parenting, tell my child that (potentially) who she IS, is 'bad', and teaching my kids to disrespect me.

Advice?

nolagal79 · October 2014

So sorry you're having a rough go with the in-laws. She sounds like a real peach.

My take on it is that you and your DH have tried to sit down with her and have a reasonable conversation and she tantrumed like a toddler. You have every right to cut off contact. She's toxic and you've attempted to take the high road. What does your H say about the situation?

I have zero tolerance for things like that. I thank my stars every day that my inlaws are 14 hours away.

Rebis58 · October 2014

That's awful, I'm glad you're standing up for yourself. Stay strong - if you give an inch she'll take a mile and walk all over you.

It sounds like your H is on your side, which is so important. I agree with you that if she's going to disrespect and undermine you and potentially make your kids feel like their is something wrong with them I would absolutely cut off contact as well.

If there's any part of you that wants a relationship with them or for your kids to have a relationship with them, I would explain to them exactly what behaviour is unacceptable, and that the consequence of this behaviour in the future is limited/no contact. Then I would follow up on it and the second she crosses a boundary that you have clearly communicated, I would pack up the kids and leave (I wouldn't have visits at your house for now for this reason). Then put them, essentially, on a time out. No visits until/unless they acknowledge they were wrong and apologize. If that happens you could try again (but only if you feel okay about it), but again if boundaries are crossed I would have immediate consequences.

Good luck - I hope things get better

sehudson821 · October 2014

That's tough! I'm sorry you're going through this. Hang in there. I wouldnt blame you a bit for cutting her off.

babybuns2 · October 2014

Thanks for the validation ladies, it's really helpful!

@nolagal79 that's where it's tricky. DH fully agrees that MIL is out of control, and has even said that he has no problem "taking an extended break from her"... where it's hard for DH is that he's pretty close with his dad, (and in all honesty, I really like FIL) but his dad is standing behind MIL 100%. Which, to a certain extent, I get. I mean it's his wife, and if he crosses her, he has to live with a 24/7 tantrum from her, so I kind of don't blame him. It just puts us in a really sucky position, because that means we either have to cut ties with FIL too when he didn't do anything wrong, or we cause a huge family blow up when we say 'Everyone else can see the baby but MIL cannot'

Ugh. Such a mess.

bluegreeneyes11 · October 2014

Hugs!! That is terrible of your MIL to say those things to you/your baby. I don't blame you for not letting her come over.

I have issues with my MIL too. She is controlling and says inappropriate stuff too but yours takes the cake and I am sorry you are dealing with that.

painttheair14 · October 2014

If someone said that 2 days after I had ds I would have lost it!

AmberC1010 · October 2014

I can relate. Your MIL sounds similar to mine...always the victim, "I don't know what I did that was so wrong," saying inappropriate things to kids, etc. Our visits with her are always at her house, so we can control how long they last and can bounce when she's becoming too overbearing. Due to serious boundary issues, we are considering cutting ties with her.

Agree with PP about standing your ground. Be firm, set clear boundaries and always enforce the boundaries. If your MIL continues with the behavior you described after your serious discussions with her, I wouldn't blame you for cutting her off. Your LO, your family, your rules.

babybuns2 · October 2014

mrspadfoot said:
I agree with PP on everything except the email. I don't thin that email was anything more than a "were stopping by to visit, here's when we are both free, when are you guys" I realize that added to eerything else, it feels like an issue, but that one small part wouldn't be an issue on its own.

I think you need to set boundaries and stick to them. DH and I have a rule that he deals with his family and I deal with mine. It's seemed to help immensely.

The email thing goes deeper, unfortunately. If it were just that one time, it wouldn't be a big deal, you're right. But we get emails from her for every holiday, family function, etc. saying "I talked with everyone else I the family and we all decided that this day/time works best for us" DH and I have never once been consulted on whether or not something works for our schedule. She never considers or acknowledges that I have my side of the family to see at holidays. And when we finally put our foot down last year and said "sorry, since you didn't check with us before deciding on a time, we already have plans and won't be able to make it" she emailed the entire family and told everyone we just decided not to come. She worded it like we didn't have other plans, just didn't want to come. So... the email thing is part of a bigger issue to with her. I guess my other issue is that she knows she's not welcome in our home unless my husband is home, and she consistently TELLS me she's coming over while he's at work anyway. Again, I never let her, it just pisses me off that she tries to strong arm me into things that we already HAVE set boundaries for.

peanutmuse · October 2014

mrspadfoot said:

I agree with PP on everything except the email. I don't thin that email was anything more than a "were stopping by to visit, here's when we are both free, when are you guys" I realize that added to eerything else, it feels like an issue, but that one small part wouldn't be an issue on its own. I think you need to set boundaries and stick to them. DH and I have a rule that he deals with his family and I deal with mine. It's seemed to help immensely.

I actually disagree. The e-mail was just as inappropriate as everything else. Even without the additional info^. If she had asked if she could come over, then I would agree. But it was stated as an imperative, not a request.

@babybuns2, I know that it sucks that you have to cut FIL out too, but I think that's what you're going to have to do. Supporting bad behavior -- even from a spouse -- doesn't fly in my book.

babybuns2 · October 2014

@peanutmuse that's true. I hadn't thought of it in those terms, but you have a good point.

growingmybun · October 2014

Here's another perspective to consider. Your husband may be supportive now, but down the road might resent you for driving a wedge between him and his family. I have a friend in the same situation as you. She cut ties with the in laws and it's very hard on her marriage.

I also think that kids who have grandparents are truly blessed. And that relationship is important. Think about your relationship with your grandparents. How would you feel if you grew up not really knowing them because one of your parents didn't like them?

Sometimes you just have to take one for the team.

babybuns2 · October 2014

@growingmybun I think if it was just an issue between me and MIL, I could consider that... where my biggest problem is, is that she tells my 9 month old she's "bad" for doing things like using her left hand. And it's not just that. DD has two birth marks and MIL comments on how I should try to hide them better, she constantly comments on DD's weight (DD is in the 30th percentile but MIL makes comments like 'fat girls don't get dates, you better lay off the food') Seriously? She's a baby. Back off. Honestly, I don't care if my MIL is the queen of England. You don't get to talk to my kid like that.

ETA: Don't get me wrong, I do have issues with how she treats me, but I'm more concerned with how she treats my child. Also, I had a grandma who was not the warmest person in the world, and I hated every second of being with her growing up. I cried every time my mom dropped me off until I was 11. At which point I stayed home by myself. I don't think my child will be missing out by not having a relationship like that.

peanutmuse · October 2014

@growingmybun -- I absolutely, wholeheartedly disagree with you on multiple levels.

1) She does not deserve to be treated the way that she has been treated. It is a problem that needs to be addressed, and if it is being ignored when they discuss it with MIL, unfortunately, distance seems to be the best option. If it causes problems in the marriage, those can certainly be dealt with. But that is not a good enough reason to not take serious action.

2) Grandparents don't have that much effect on a person. Come on now. It's just like a bonus if you have good ones, but it's not going to break you if you don't have them around. (I'm speaking from experience here.) How many healthy, functioning, happy people grew up without the presence of grandparents? You can be sure there are plenty. On the other hand, letting a child think that it's ok to be disrespectful and rude to her mother (as this MIL is doing) will almost certainly do damage.

Your advice is really terrible. I have to say it. She does not have to take one for the team. Going to the in-laws for Thanksgiving is taking one for the team. Cutting out an unhealthy person unless that person agrees to behave in a respectful way is a healthy, positive choice -- despite its difficulty.

peanutmuse · October 2014

@Arya808, I might be inclined to agree with you about the holidays and special occasions... if it weren't for the swatting away of the left hand. That behavior is destructive and (frankly) crazy and needs to be acknowledged. Babies need to learn both hands and to suggest otherwise is ridiculous and ignorant.

ETA: For the record, I'm not saying that I think ties need to be cut forever. But a stand needs to be made so that MIL knows that they are serious about her behavior. She has already proven that talking it through doesn't work. If there aren't consequences, the behavior won't change.

babybuns2 · October 2014

Thanks ladies. I'm going to talk to DH about cutting ties for the time being. I agree, as some of you ladies have said, that it doesn't have to be forever. That's a really good point. But she certainly needs a wake up call- nothing else is working and she's going to have to prove herself if she wants to be allowed around my child again. I'll leave it up to DH to decide if he wants to see them, that's his choice, and I don't think it would be fair to ask him not to. But I think I'll put my foot down about DD and myself not having contact with her.

r0zz · October 2014

This makes me feel a lot better about cutting off my MIL too.
You hang in there OP!! You show that b!tch who's boss!
And sorry about your FIL.
I'm in the same boat as you

Rebis58 · October 2014

growingmybun said:

Here's another perspective to consider. Your husband may be supportive now, but down the road might resent you for driving a wedge between him and his family. I have a friend in the same situation as you. She cut ties with the in laws and it's very hard on her marriage. I also think that kids who have grandparents are truly blessed. And that relationship is important. Think about your relationship with your grandparents. How would you feel if you grew up not really knowing them because one of your parents didn't like them? Sometimes you just have to take one for the team.

I totally disagree. She has no obligation to put up with being disrespected by her MIL. If her husband wants to have a relationship with his family, he still can, but she shouldn't have to. And if her MIL doesn't respect her, she sure as hell has no right to the children. I would hope my husband would support me in that and wouldn't put up with someone treating me badly, even if it was his mother, and OP deserves the same.

In my opinion, being a grandparent (or any other family member) is a privilege, not a right. I'd rather have no grandparents than have grown up seeing my mom be treated like crap. I don't even think I'd LIKE my grandparents if they treated my mom like crap so why would I want to have a relationship with them? It's not HER job to take one for the team to satisfy her MIL, it's her MIL's job to act in an appropriate way if she wants to have a relationship with her son's family.

Rebis58 · October 2014

babybuns2 said:

@growingmybun I think if it was just an issue between me and MIL, I could consider that... where my biggest problem is, is that she tells my 9 month old she's "bad" for doing things like using her left hand. And it's not just that. DD has two birth marks and MIL comments on how I should try to hide them better, she constantly comments on DD's weight (DD is in the 30th percentile but MIL makes comments like 'fat girls don't get dates, you better lay off the food') Seriously? She's a baby. Back off. Honestly, I don't care if my MIL is the queen of England. You don't get to talk to my kid like that. ETA: Don't get me wrong, I do have issues with how she treats me, but I'm more concerned with how she treats my child. Also, I had a grandma who was not the warmest person in the world, and I hated every second of being with her growing up. I cried every time my mom dropped me off until I was 11. At which point I stayed home by myself. I don't think my child will be missing out by not having a relationship like that.

Oh, hell no. Keep her away from your kids - she sounds toxic. Children are so impressionable. I can still remember a passing remark someone made when I was a kid about me having a belly (baby fat in my preteen years). It stuck with me for YEARS, and it really was a minor comment not meant maliciously. I can't imagine if I had someone making those comments regularly, that would have been so damaging to my self esteem. Good for you for protecting your kids from her, and good for your husband for supporting you.

blessed2585 · October 2014

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I know how hard it is to be in this situation. My ex mil was awful to me and eventually destroyed my marriage. Theres a book call Boundaries by Dr. John Townsend and Dr. Henry Cloud that you may find helpful. I will keep you in my prayers!

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