Joining you, heartbroken and scared

oldiebutgoodie80 · October 2014

Hello All.

I have been lurking on this page for a few weeks, because I knew in my heart that my pregnancy wasn't viable. I am joining you from the May 15 board.

Long story short, my EDD was May 4th, and this was my first pregnancy. Our first two U/S visits showed the baby measuring two weeks behind. DH and I had our third U/S on Tuesday. The baby was still measuring at just over five weeks, and not longer had a heartbeat.

We are absolutely devastated. We have been given the choice to either wait it out, and see if my body will take care of everything naturally, or take Cytotec. My midwife explained that I would only be offered a D&C as a last resort.

I have been going through the motions every day, just waiting to miscarry. I don't know that I want to continue with that worry and anxiety. My DH and I have decided to go the Cytotec route, which we will begin tomorrow. And I am scared to death. I made the mistake of googling, and reading the stories of others. At the end of the day, we have decided that this is still the best route for us.

I am really struggling with emotions today. I am angry, and disappointed, and I feel like a total failure. I wish that I hadn't told any of our family about our pg, because I just don't know that I can handle telling them the outcome, or answering questions, or hearing one more person say, "Well it just wasn't meant to be."

I am truly sorry for all of your losses. And I am so grateful to find a community of women who are so supportive. It breaks my heart to see so many fellow May 15 women here.

Hugs to you all.

ETA: Title

nikiswimr · October 2014

I'm so sorry to see you over here. This was our first baby as well and this is so unbelievably heart breaking. I was going to get a D&C because emotionally I just wanted this over. But after further discussion my doctor recommended we try Cytotec as well (less invasive, less scarring). I just signed the consent today and I too am going to begin it tomorrow. I understand completely how you are feeling. If you need to talk as we go through this tomorrow I'll be here.

oldiebutgoodie80 · October 2014

@nikiswimr I will be here as well. It helps knowing that we aren't alone in all of this. Without this board, I don't know what I would do. FX that tomorrow goes okay. I am here if you need to talk as well. *hugs*

4N6s · October 2014

I'm so sorry for your loss

I was in the same boat 3 weeks ago, but I was almost 11 weeks.
My doctor was the same way, he made me wait two weeks for a natural miscarriage. It happened in less than a week, but the heartbeat had stopped more than 2 weeks prior the my miscarriage.
I would definitely recommend waiting. I know it's TERRIBLE and emotionally draining... But it's better than surgery?
My friend took cytotec and nothing happened... At that point you have to do a D&C.
Hang in there...

oldiebutgoodie80 · October 2014

@katnhiding I wish none of us ended up on this board. Not one of us should have to experience any of this. Are you doing okay? You are always such a great support on these boards.

oldiebutgoodie80 · October 2014

I can definitely see the value in waiting, for some. For me, I can't continue to be in limbo, as it is paralyzing for me. DH and I have put a lot of thought into our decision, and I am confident this is best. As of today, I would be 10w4days. I am ready to close this chapter. Desperate to, really.

ctk181 · October 2014

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know all too well how heart breaking this is! I hope everything goes smoothly for you.

nikiswimr · October 2014

I feel the same way. I can't emotionally start to heal until this part is over. I'm normally more of a minimalist regarding medical interventions but I agree, limbo is worse.

katie0919 · October 2014

I'm so very sorry for your loss! I too, was a May mom and it is really, really tough to face the loss. I wish you the best and hope you will be able to miscarry quickly (I know that SOUNDS terrible, but know that I mean well - I just wanted to close the chapter as well). Big hugs to you.

oldiebutgoodie80 · October 2014

Thank you all for the positive thoughts and support. You all are keeping me afloat today. Hugs to you all as well.

@Katie0919 I actually appreciate that sentiment. I am desperate for some sort of closure.

xraychick01 · October 2014

Hello, I'm so sorry for your loss. I was a May 15 as well. The 22nd was my dd. This was my first pg as well. I was 6w 2d when I started to miscarry on 9/28. We didn't even make it to our first ultrasound which was scheduled for 10/3. But looking back I think it was a blessing in disguise. I feel those things too...angry, disappointed, like a failure etc. I think we all go through those emotions.

My mc took a week and a few days and I'm so thankful that's all it took. I hope yours is quick as well so you can move on.

This is a good place to vent and lean on women who know exactly what you are going through. Hang in there. Hugs.

AllyDogg · October 2014

So sorry you've joined us. Sadly, there are too many May "15 on here. We saw the heartbeat at 6w1d, and the following week we found out our little one's heart stopped shortly after our u/s. I decided to let it pass naturally and the week that it took was awful emotionally and physically. My heart broke when the baby passed, as it became very real that we no longer had it.

I'm glad you and your DH were able to come to a decision that works best for you. Sending hugs your way.

DanandVan · October 2014

I am so sorry for your loss. My due date was May 3rd, so I am right there with you. Had a d&c last Friday, and it does feel better to be physically done with the miscarriage.
I pray the Cytotec works quickly and smoothly for you, and that you find the healing and support you need! Hugs!

foodie12rn · October 2014

I'm so sorry you're joining the board. Right now I'm in the process of m/c naturally. Fortunately, I didn't have to wait for the process to start, I was bleeding before I ever knew anything was wrong. I hope you find comfort in the knowledge that there are ladies who understand exactly how you're feeling. ((Hugs))

23Tez23 · October 2014

@AmyW1112‌, we had the same due date and I just got the news today that baby stopped growing about the same time yours did. I am sad that there's so many of us.

4N6s · October 2014

I was in your exact midset. My OB convinced me to wait.
The D&C has more potential risk than going natural.

Whatever you choose is right, in my opinion. The is no good choice.

mustlovedogs63 · October 2014

I'm in the same boat. Starting cytotec today. Hoping it goes well. The stories online are frightening. I'm so sorry we all are here but thankful for the support. If you need to talk I'll be here. So sorry for your loss

nikiswimr · October 2014

@mustlovedogs63‌ and @AmyW1112‌ how are you guys doing? Just started Cytotec now. Waiting.

ChanelA · October 2014

It's so sad to see so many May 15 moms joining this board. I had my D&C on Tuesday and took the week off from school. It's a hard road and I'm sorry you have to go through this. ((Hugs))

rco987 · October 2014

So sorry for your loss. I was also may 2015. I found out at 8 weeks that baby no longer had a heartbeat. I did 2 rounds of cytotec (by mouth) and both failed. I had a lot of cramping though. For the 2nd round they prescribed me a narcotic. I didnt need to use it too much but I did appreciate it when I finally miscarried almost 2 weeks later. I had a lot of back pain. Again I am so sorry for your loss!

nikiswimr · October 2014

My doctor didn't mind me taking on Friday (felt it would be better to give me weekend to recover as it's hard for me to get off work) but did give me warnings for the amount of bleeding I should go to the ER for.

mustlovedogs63 · October 2014

@nikiswimr‌ .. Miserable. I am running a fever and hurt terribly, but I've barely bled at all. Took my first dose at 9am. I'm hoping it's just slow and works but I'm getting worried with how little I've bled.

oldiebutgoodie80 · October 2014

@mustlovedogs63‌ @nikiswimr‌ checking in. I wish I had been given the option of a D&C. Today has been miserable. Fever, extreme pain, vomiting... But, I haven't bled much either.

How are you both doing? I'm hoping you are doing okay.

((Hugs)) for you both. I'm sorry that you are experiencing this too

mustlovedogs63 · October 2014

@AmyW1112‌ @nikiswimr sending you both hugs. Yeah this is pretty much the most awful day. I hope we all get through it without the d&c... Thinking of you ladies

nikiswimr · October 2014

@mustlovedogs63‌ and @AmyW1112‌ I'm having pretty terrible pain as well. I had started bleeding a little yesterday and today before I took it so that's getting a little worse. Wish it was over. I have a second dose I'm supposed to take in four hours if this isn't over. This is the worst day.

araya1975 · October 2014

I too was a May 15 mom. I had been having what felt like Charlie horse pain in my vagina at 5 1/2 weeks, had an ultrasound and things looked ok even though it was too soon to see the baby. I continued to have achey pains and severe bloating constantly but just thought I was constipated. I had my second incident of doubled over shooting pain last Friday but decided to ignore it and tough it out for the baby's sake. My regular OB appt was on Wednesday so I thought I could deal with it. Wednesday morning I had the worst excruciating pain episode yet and decided to go to the ER. The ultrasound tech used her magic wand, looked at my uterus and told me there was nothing there. She started scanning to the left, nothing. She scanned to my right and there it was, a perfect embryo, heart beating with little arm and leg buds. The baby was perfect, just in the wrong spot. I was immediately scheduled for surgery but I had to wait 8 hours because of their busy schedule. I waited all day on bed rest, sad and mad and every emotion in between. I started having the worst of the worst excruciating pain as they wheeled me down to surgery. That's when my tube ruptured. The surgeon couldn't do the procedure laparoscopic so I got a c-section type of incision. Apparently all my bloating for the last two weeks was from bleeding internally. Because of the ruptured tube, they couldn't find the embryo for a while but finally found it behind my uterus. They couldn't save my right tube either. I'm three days out of surgery now and this recovery is extremely painful!! We are going to try again when the dr. gives us the go ahead but I'm terrified this will happen again. I feel strongly that I want to do something in memory of our lost baby, like plant a tree, or get a tattoo, something to remember it by. Some people may think it's ridiculous because it was "just" an embryo, but to us it was our baby that was wanted and loved. I'm so sorry for everyone of the women here that are suffering this grief. My prayers are with all of you right now!! Thank you for reading my story

23Tez23 · October 2014

I'm also from May 15. I am sorry for your loss.

flyoffeve · October 2014

I am so sorry for your loss- to all of you that have posted on this thread. (hugs)

@araya1975 T&P I hope you have a good recovery. Sounds like that was so scary.

mustlovedogs63 · October 2014

@AmyW1112‌ how are you doing today?

@araya1975 I'm so sorry that sounds horrific. Take care

oldiebutgoodie80 · October 2014

Thank you everyone for the support. This has been one of the most difficult weeks of my life. It breaks my heart to read everyone's stories, and to see so many familiar screen names. I am so appreciative of you all.

@mustlovedogs63 I am very concerned. I don't think the Cytotec worked...and I am afraid to see what the next few days bring. How are you doing today?

nikiswimr · October 2014

@araya1975‌ that sounds so scary. I hope you're doing better today. I also would like to do something to remember our baby.

@AmyW1112‌ I'm sorry to hear that the Cytotec might not have worked. Is your doctor going to repeat your betas or ultrasound? I don't know if this helps but I hadn't had that much bleeding when I passed the sac. Was just horrifically sick. I hope things are over for you quickly.

23Tez23 · October 2014

Still waiting on a miscarriage. Bought depends. It's been 2 days since I found out but it's been 3-4 weeks since baby stopped growing.

mustlovedogs63 · October 2014

@amyw1112 I Had an ultrasound today that showed some remnants that I still need to pass, so we are waiting it out for now. I just wish it was over so I could feel like myself again and maybe start to heal emotionally. I wish it had worked better for me. Did it end up working for you? Thinking about you

nikiswimr · October 2014

Thinking of you today @AmyW1112‌.

oldiebutgoodie80 · October 2014

Hello all. Sorry for my delay. The last few days have been incredibly tough emotionally. I was able to talk to the midwife yesterday. I told her I am almost 100% positive I didn't pass the MC, since I only had severe cramping, and very little bleeding. She seemed concerned and asked me to come in for a follow up ultrasound. Unfortunately they can't see me until the 24th. I broke down yesterday. I am so frustrated that this is never ending. I feel like I am constantly running to the bathroom to see if things are okay. I apologize to everyone for disappearing. Thank you for checking on me.

How are you @nikiswimr? How are you feeling? You have been in my thoughts, especially after your scary experience.

@mustlovedogs63 I am so sorry you are going through this as well. At this point, is that the game plan, to simply wait it out? It is so frustrating

mustlovedogs63 · October 2014

Yeah.. Unfortunately they told me to wait it out at this point. I'm still in quite a bit of pain. Totally sucks....

nikiswimr · October 2014

@AmyW1112‌ and @mustlovedogs63‌ I'm so sorry to hear that the uncertainty is still going on. @AmyW1112‌ Could they get you in earlier to at least check your beta to see if it's coming down? I hope this finishes quickly and the limbo is over soon for both of you.

I'm physically doing better. Exhausted, still some cramps. The thing that worries me is that I haven't had much bleeding with any of this. I wish my body would just get on with it. Emotionally I'm still really struggling. I'm really busy at work right now and I guess that's a distraction.

Want a personalized experience?

Joining you, heartbroken and scared

Re: Joining you, heartbroken and scared

Choose Another Board

Search Boards