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October 2013 Moms
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I'm a sad panda {loss mentioned}

hlb622hlb622 member
in October 2013 Moms
tl;dr I had a miscarriage on 9/24/14. This is my story.

On September 24, when I was 7 weeks pregnant, I started spotting. My midwife ordered blood work, and my hCG came back at 2,250. Low, but not cause for concern yet. Everyone said, "Don't worry, it's totally normal," yada yada. I repeated blood work on September 29, and had fingers crossed for 9,000+ (double-double). It came back 932. I thought she misread and left off a zero. But she didn't. She told me I'm miscarrying. 

I took a few days off work to spend time with my family, while we grieve the loss of our May '15 squish. We played, took long car rides with the pooches to watch the leaves turn colors, drank ridiculous amounts of PSLs from Starbucks, went out to dinner, and just spent time being us. 

Three days later, my hCG came back at 1,050, so she ordered an ultrasound to rule out an ectopic pregnancy. After an external and internal ultrasound, she found the yolk sac with our squish, who had no heartbeat. She gave me a sonogram and I took it home to add to Emerson's first-year box of treasures. 

I'm sad and scared and pissed and disappointed and pining for the baby that'll never be. But I'm grateful that I have this beautiful boy to celebrate this month, this incredible little person that has changed my life more than I could ever have imagined. When I rocked him to sleep the night I found out, I started to cry as I sang to him and he looked up at me and touched my cheek. And I knew right then I would be okay. Maybe not today, maybe not next week, but someday, I'm going to be okay. Thanks for your support and love over the last couple years. You all mean more to me than I can ever articulate with words. Especially right now. 

Forgive me for the repeat post that you might have already seen on the Miscarriage/Loss board, Facebook, etc. It took me a while to get the nerve to post my story here, especially since my last post was the pregnancy announcement. But one thing that I've learned from all of this is that loss happens. A lot. And it helps to talk about it, even on a computer screen. If this is bringing up things you've gone through and you want to talk, please reach out to me. If you're pissed because you've moved on and didn't need to read all this, please know I'm truly sorry.

Anyway, thanks again for your support. I fucking love you girls.

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#wolfpack4lyfe

Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
 BFP #1: 3.2.13 | EDD: 10.21.13 | Born: 10.25.13
 BFP #2: 9.9.14 | EDD 5.13.15 | MC: 9.24.14
BFP #3: 1.4.15 | EDD 8.23.15
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