Lack of Support

sgb721 · October 2014

We've been approved and waiting for 20 months in our first adoption journey. We're with an NJ and a PA agency. We've created a FB page, and a personal webpage, but we have only been shown twice. I won't fib- its disheartening. I do my best to stay positive and remember that the right child will come into our lives and we will join their life when it's meant to be.

That said- I don't have a particularly close relationship with my mom. She lives about 3 hours away and we just don't see eye to eye on much. We're friendly and we communicate, but its definitely not like some of the other mother daughter relationships I envy from time to time.

Last night she called me and told me (I swear these are her words):

"you have been holding your lives in a rut to long. Clearly you are not going to be chosen by anyone and adoption isn't going to work out. You need to move on. If no one else wants to be honest with you, I will"

Talk about a flipping knife through the heart! Listen, I know we aren't close and we've had our ups and downs before, but who says that to someone? Let alone their daughter? I've spent most of today just feeling awful. She tried to text me today asking if I wanted to come visit her next week and help her paint the downstairs. She clearly sees nothing wrong with her words to me.

Why is it so difficult for some people to be supportive? Didn't they learn the lesson if if you have nothing nice to say, just keep shut? Don't go around stomping on other peoples dreams?

nlscroggins · October 2014

i am so sorry. that is a terribly hurtful thing to say to anyone. unfortunately, she doesn't see the strength and determination you have on the inside. people on the outside will just never understand this journey. big big hugs... and please don't give up!

leisemomtobe · October 2014

I'm very sorry to hear this. I went through something sort of like this with my own Mom. Does your Mom understand everything about the adoption process? My Mom didn't and once she did, she was much more supportive and continues to be. I don't know if this might be an issue with you and your Mom. Sometimes when they don't fully understand, they get discouraged and then brings that on you, which makes you discouraged. Stay strong! You know your little one is out there! It might take a lot of time, but the baby is worth the wait. I hope you are able to work things out. ((HUGS))

CarolinaGirl2014 · October 2014

That's just horrible and I'm so sorry. You WILL be a Mom, and an amazing one at that. It may help you to write a letter laying out how very hurtful her words are and how you're angry. She may feel less attached in that format and hear you out. Go treat yourself to something fun!

lorifromwi · October 2014

Wow...I can't imagine saying something like that to anyone. Obviously she has no idea what the process entails and how challenging it can be to get all the stars aligned for a successful match. My mom has similar "lack of filter" issues. While they can be painful, I try to remind myself that she really isn't trying to be mean, in fact, somewhere in there she thinks she's being helpful. I try to set those comments aside...much easier said than done (if you've seen my vent post today). You will have a wonderful family including a little one...it will happen!

Dr.Loretta · October 2014

That is so awful, i'm sorry.

isenbergbeth · October 2014

How insensitive! I'm so sorry:(.

If she is a reader you could send her a copy of the book In on It: What Adoptive Families Want You to Know About Adoption. My parents read it and learned a lot. It's now time to pass it along to my husbands side of the family!

maryoosa · October 2014

Super insensitive. @isenbergbeth has a great idea. However, I find a well-voiced "gee, thanks mom, I wasn't already feeling shitty" also works.

CaptainSerious · October 2014

I'm so sorry, not only because someone said something so insensitive to you, but even more so because it was your mom. I truly believe that we always hurt the ones we love the most. Not that we try to, but we have the power to, and our hurtful words and actions always cut our loved ones the deepest.

All that being said, I know how badly it hurts when you are discouraged and feel not only that no one else understands, but also that some believe you should seek a different path. I took us over 2.5 years to bring M home, and I heard, on more than one occasion, the opinion that perhaps we should try a different path to parenthood. No one understood that switching paths was the equivalent of giving up on a child we had already begun to love, even though we had no idea if it would be a boy or a girl, how old, or anything else.

People who haven't traveled this path simply cannot understand. Often they feel as though they are looking out for you, and even are compassionately urging you to move on, but they will never understand that you are sure your child will come to you through adoption. They don't mean to hurt you, and they will love your child. They just hate to see you hurting now, and want to spare you pain, and don't know any other way to do it.

I'm sorry your wait has been so long. Is there anyway you can increase your exposure/have more expectant families see your profile? I'm sure you have looked into all the possibilities about tweaking your profile and increasing your exposure. Hang in there. I am convinced that there is an adoption path for every family wanting to adopt, and you are well on your way to meeting your child. I can't wait to celebrate the news when you bring your sweet baby home!

Sigh202 · October 2014

That's horrible. Hugs.

sgb721 · October 2014

Thanks for the suggestions on giving her 'In On It'. She won't read it though. Unfortunately my mom battles serious depression and alcohol issues- has most of my life. She doesn't acknowledge it. I have only see her once in the past 3 1/2 years, for a family funeral, because of it. I can't have her negative influence in my life. Anytime I try and put the olive branch out there, she snaps back as such.

Basically the best lesson I've learned from her is to ensure I am nothing like her.

sgb721 · October 2014

Thanks @adoptivemaman!!

erinmc1 · October 2014

That, to be blunt, is shit. The awesome thing about adoption is that even though the waiting sucks, so badly, it will eventually lead you to becoming a parent. YOU WILL BE A MOM. Maybe the agencies you are with aren't advocating for you enough, and you can try to branch out, get involved with local churches and see if they have programs counseling young pregnant women looking for an alternative to abortion. There is always more you can do to help things along, but it's always going to come down to God's timing. I always felt like this was His way of testing how much I wanted to be a mom, because I've never had much follow-through in other things I've wanted.

Either way, I really hope you have some supportive people in your life that you can turn to, because your mom clearly isn't it. That wasn't honesty, that was cruelty, and if she thinks that's some kind of tough love, she's wrong. Anything worth having is worth waiting for.

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