Coping [small rant/seeking advice]

Reiden · October 2014

So, I'll be putting little Jack up for adoption, and I mean I understand it's for the best. I can't take care of him, like at all, and even if I could, I don't think I'd be happy. I don't want him to grow up in a stressed and negative environment, I want him to be able to grow up happy and not have to worry about whether or not we're going to eat tonight, or the rent's going to get paid, etc. So I totally understand this is more or less necessary to ensure he gets the best life possible, given the circumstances. At least, mentally/logically, I do.

Emotionally's a completely different story, of course. I've always, from as long as I can remember, wanted to have a kid; I think we all do, really (to a degree; I know some people who want nothing to do with kids- and that's okay!). Now that I am having one, I can't care for him; it's difficult, incredibly difficult. So far my method of coping has seemed to end up being: cry about it, go quiet, distract myself with something else until I'm in a better mental state to actually deal with it. But the thing is, I'm never really in a better state. Emotionally, I'm a wreck, but logically, I'm a-okay with this. My view is that I can pick up the pieces once Jack is safe and sound in his new home, and starting his new life. I can't pick up the pieces if I'm caring with him and struggling to keep us afloat; so I'm just going to have to deal, right? (Logic also tells me no, not right, that's actually incredibly stupid. Shut up brain, it was a rhetorical question)

I think that once I find a family I'm super comfortable with, and I finally match with someone, it'll get better. At least, I'm hoping. Depression and anxiety runs in the family, so I doubt that's really helping, either, though I've never been officially diagnosed with either. They afflict nigh every member of my family, so I can only assume I have them, too. Does anybody have any advice, and/or is this logically pretty normal, you think? I'm tired of being a shakey mess of nerves and tears whenever I seriously start thinking about adoptive family options. I don't want to negatively associate this with.. well, this.

PS: congratulations, you made it through the wall of text. Take a loaf

CaptainSerious · October 2014

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. Since I've not placed a child myself, I can't say for sure what you are experiencing is typical, but I imagine it is. You are making the least selfish decision you can, and it's coming at the cost of great personal pain. I would be concerned if you weren't finding it emotionally difficult right now.

Please just know, that in my experience, adoption is a very wonderful thing. It's not without pain for anyone involved, unfortunately, but it does bring out the best in people and is a real testiment to true love.

lorifromwi · October 2014

I have not placed a child either, but have been part of the process for my entire life. You're struggles seem reasonable and typical of any expectant mother who absolutely loves their child and is seeking to do what is best for them. I think this is part of your process to do what you believe is best for your child.

I know my BM went through a pivotal struggle when she had to sign her termination papers two months after I was born. 38 years later, I'm not sure exactly how she feels about her decision, but I know she's very proud of the person I've become and grateful for how I was raised.

I'm sending good vibes your way that you can reconcile your heart and your head for whatever is in the best interest of your little one.

sgb721 · October 2014

I don't have advice per say but I just want to wish you the best. I can't say I understand, because I couldn't possibly, but I'm here if you ever need someone to talk to, vent to, a shoulder to cry on. You'll find the right family for Jack and they will become an extended part of your family. Also, Jack may not be your only child. Life is so unpredictable, just try and stay positive!!

CarolinaGirl2014 · October 2014

I totally get where you are. The pain, fear, and even guilt can be overwhelming. A few things: 1. If it's purely financial, there are resources out there and I'd be more than happy to help. I get 100% what you're saying, though. For me, I didn't want to put her through that struggle and honestly didn't want to live it myself. It's smart to take care of yourself b/c an unhappy Mommy leads to an unhappy baby.

2. Picking her PAP's gave me peace and comfort. It brought joy & excitement back to "expecting" and validated my pain. It was something real to focus on- the miracle of life for amazing people who deserved it and a picture-perfect life for my baby.

3. I've always wanted to be a Mom. Desperately. If it helps, I'm happy and haven't regretted my choice once.

4. I highly recommend counseling. In fact, I think it's a necessity as of right now. Third party counseling away from the agency you choose. If you ask for nothing else, ask the agency to arrange payment for it from now to 6 weeks after birth. It's hard to find someone experienced in adoption, but grief counselors help because it is very similar.

5. There is nothing wrong with having mental illness like any other illness. Diagnoses and treatment are amazing. That being said, you can drive yourself crazy looking for it. I hv the same fam history and am ok, except when I look for it.

Hope that helps

lovelyplanet · October 2014

I am sorry you are going through this. I have no advice but I can say you are making an incredibly unselfish choice. And that says a lot about you.

maryoosa · October 2014

I've got no advice-having not been in your situation but just wanted to send you some love. I also recommend pursuing counseling- independent of an adoption agency if you can- that way you can get further clarity for yourself without weird overtones of "owing" an agency. Surround yourself with people who love you and want the best for you. And know that you can change your mind--- depending on your state you will likely have a revocation period before TPR becomes final -and you CAN change your mind. And if you aren't certain about placing, you CAN ask an agency to place your child in cradle care (these are families who do short term newborn care not a state foster care system) while you make your decision.

And definitely talk with other folks who have placed--- it will give you the perspective from the other side- both negative and positive about the option you are choosing.

Sigh202 · October 2014

Hugs

Reiden · October 2014

Ah, sorry for the late reply, everyone. Our basement flooded, and I was feeling more than a bit under the weather beforehand. Weh, life, stop throwing curveballs at me!

I'm doing much better, and I thank everyone for being so supportive and general sweethearts on here

I was just really having a nasty emotional day. I guess my hormones though they had to make up for lost time and go rampant or something.

I'll definitely be looking into a counselor, but after I find a family for little Jack, and see if I feel a bit better after I make the decision on which family I want for him. I think that's where the majority of the stress is coming from [in addition to the general stress of not having literally any money to pay the bills that keep piling up].

I think everything just came to a head at once and I had to vent a bit. I hope I didn't concern any of you too much

Sorry, everyone! But thanks again, but I'm certainly okay now

CarolinaGirl2014 · October 2014

So glad you're feeling better. You're going through some major stuff right now. Glad you're going to look into a counselor. Mine made a massive difference for me, and was the first time I'd ever been. Most agencies, even local ones, have PAP profiles online. I'm not sure if you've looked but that's a great place to start, to see if anyone speaks to you.

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