So, I'll be putting little Jack up for adoption, and I mean I understand it's for the best. I can't take care of him, like at all, and even if I could, I don't think I'd be happy. I don't want him to grow up in a stressed and negative environment, I want him to be able to grow up happy and not have to worry about whether or not we're going to eat tonight, or the rent's going to get paid, etc. So I totally understand this is more or less necessary to ensure he gets the best life possible, given the circumstances. At least, mentally/logically, I do.
Emotionally's a completely different story, of course. I've always, from as long as I can remember, wanted to have a kid; I think we all do, really (to a degree; I know some people who want nothing to do with kids- and that's okay!). Now that I am having one, I can't care for him; it's difficult, incredibly difficult. So far my method of coping has seemed to end up being: cry about it, go quiet, distract myself with something else until I'm in a better mental state to actually deal with it. But the thing is, I'm never really in a better state. Emotionally, I'm a wreck, but logically, I'm a-okay with this. My view is that I can pick up the pieces once Jack is safe and sound in his new home, and starting his new life. I can't pick up the pieces if I'm caring with him and struggling to keep us afloat; so I'm just going to have to deal, right? (Logic also tells me no, not right, that's actually incredibly stupid. Shut up brain, it was a rhetorical question)
I think that once I find a family I'm super comfortable with, and I finally match with someone, it'll get better. At least, I'm hoping. Depression and anxiety runs in the family, so I doubt that's really helping, either, though I've never been officially diagnosed with either. They afflict nigh every member of my family, so I can only assume I have them, too. Does anybody have any advice, and/or is this logically pretty normal, you think? I'm tired of being a shakey mess of nerves and tears whenever I seriously start thinking about adoptive family options. I don't want to negatively associate this with.. well, this.
PS: congratulations, you made it through the wall of text. Take a loaf