Court, Complicated.. don't know what to focus on now. Advice appreciated (=

Pamelacake · October 2014

Am I doing too much, should I be doing more? Please help.

Court for SD's has been continued for the 3rd time. 1st time, they wanted me there to testify. Second time, BM's attorney had it continued, Last.. the judge wasn't going to be in. I just found out that the bartender of the establishment BM is at every weekend has been subpoenaed to be there as well.

I thought I had it in the bag at first when it came to direct points and short documentation. Now, I don't know what all is going on. There is just so much and I don't know what to focus on.

The loose pills in the bag of food: the prosecutor has that along with the police report. I have video and audio of BM admitting they came from her home.

Letters from counselors: I have from school counselor. (SD's main counselor is on maternity leave) still good bc the school counselor has been there for SD through the whole transition.

Letter from teacher: after PTC I plan to get one from 6yo SD's teacher. Teacher told me that SD brings BM up a lot recently and she thinks that's part of the reason SD is struggling in class. (that caught me by surprise, kind of, I know she misses BM, I'm not sure what SD says about BM in school, I didn't ask as SD was with me but BM has barely spoken to SD's) I had already suspected this, the teacher bringing that up just confirmed my assumption.

BM's pattern: BM will often try to start fights before a visit is to start, when I respond and it doesn't go how she planned.. she still doesn't show. BM wants to make it look like we can't be in the same room.

The way BM acts when she is here with SD's: ignoring them to talk to me like she is here to visit me (very uncomfortable, especially when she's talking about things that have nothing to do with SD's) Treating one SD like a princess and the other like the frog who will never be the prince, if 8yo SD tries to talk to 6yo SD, BM will cut her off just to ask 6yo for a hug or something. Lying about 6yo SD finishing a breadstick just so she could have a twinkie, just awesome to teach them it's ok to lie to get what you want! (I'm not in the room the whole time, I often go into the other room to check on the baby, get more coloring books, random things. So it's not like I'm sitting on top of them the whole time) there is much more.. sooo much more. I think I already vented here about BM calling SD8 fat, stupid, dumb as well as some other things, all in one visit.

BM has stopped drinking alcohol at the bar since DH told her in August that she wasn't supposed to be drinking or using illegal drugs within 24 hours of coming here. She doesn't drink there on Fridays when she is to be here the next day even though she still doesn't show up. BM is also pregnant and it really looks like she is this time.

I don't know when court is, but BM has come to 8 out of 31 available visits and that's if we count the 1min and 50sec visit in May which equals out to 10hrs 15min out of 155hrs available.

I know from my past venting that it may seem that I have no compassion or understanding of what it's like to have to be supervised to see your own child but that is not the case. I have had to go through a couple of them myself when CG took it upon herself to take my visits away on her own years ago, and what BM thinks she is going through is nothing compared to what I went through. BM is just grasping at anything to get what she wants but she wants this for the wrong reasons. Control and there is no good reason to put children in danger, or to hurt them like she is now or when she had EOWE. It is hurting them less now but we are still dealing with the aftermath of everything she says and does to them.

Thanks if you made it through this post and I'm sorry it's all jumbled.. I am distraught and exhausted. Any advice, input, .. anything would be genuinely appreciated.

dmndsr4eva · October 2014

I guess I missed what you are trying to change. She currently has supervised visits that she occasionally uses? What are you trying to change? Change it to no visits?

I really feel for you guys. I wish this is something you could work out in mediation. Court and lawyers are so expensive and no one wins except the lawyers getting paid....

Pamelacake · October 2014

Sorry.. BM is going for EOWE from supervised. I also just found out that she filed for a paternity test for 6yo SD. I'm not really concerned about the outcome of any of this but there is that huge " WHAT IF" hanging over me and I can't shake it.

ambrvan · October 2014

I don't really have any advice. You're in my prayers. I hope all goes well for your girls. They have had one tough ride. And I sympathize with you greatly.

alb2411 · October 2014

It sounds like you care for the girls very much and are doing everything in your power to ensure they are safe and loved. I know it is so easy in blended family life to overthink and stress, especially when court is looming, but try to see all the good you are doing and have confidence that your hard work will pay off.

I don't have any real advice, but just want to let you know that I think you're being a great advocate for these girls from all that I have read from you. You will be in my thoughts and prayers while you continue on this journey.

acbarbour · October 2014

I don't have any real advice just a pat on the back. You seem to be on top of things. Would a paternity test make a difference in custody at all? I hope that it does not, your SDs seem to be well cared for with you and your Dh. Wishing all the best and fingers crossed for no more continuances so you can go to court and move on to the next thing.

dmndsr4eva · October 2014

Oh I see. How in the world does she have the money to go to court?

dmndsr4eva · October 2014

I work full time and get child support and I certainly cannot afford to go to court with an attorney again.

dmndsr4eva · October 2014

I work full time and get child support and I certainly cannot afford to go to court with an attorney again.

WLJ2 · October 2014

Oops wrong post. Sorry

Pamelacake · October 2014

Thank you all for the words of encouragement. Court was continued again. BM "didn't have transportation" It would have really been nice to know that ahead of time. BM just got it continued last night!

BM got a pro bono atty for a child support review and used that to add all of this onto that case.

Our atty talked to the bartender and she is not willing to say that she has ever seen BM drink so we will not be using her. I understand why she wouldn't, wether BM is pregnant or not, or has been 17 times in the last two years, that's her job on the line, if she had served a pregnant woman alcohol.

The atty told us more today but for upcoming court purposes will leave that out for now.

The paternity test: That was one of my first questions when we hired this attorney bc BM was threatening a paternity test every time she called, anywhere from 5 to 20 times a day for a long time. Atty said that since DH and BM were married at the time of conception, DH is on the BC, has been there since day one and still now over 2 years after their divorce, and has had custody since the divorce..with all of those factors, the results wouldn't stand in court, if the judge ordered one in the first place.

I have tried to stay off of here so I don't rant... I have been a terrible mess for over a week. I think it will all be ok though. I'm just trying to think positive..

Thank you again, You guys are great (=

acbarbour · October 2014

Hang in there @pamelacake. I am hoping that things get settled a lot sooner than later for you.

lmtrmama · October 2014

I can't imagine how stressful this must be for you! It seems like the longer that the court process is taking for you, the more BM is showing her true colors and irresponsibility to the judge! Good luck!

Pamelacake · October 2014

@acbarbour Thank You I really hope so too. Not for me as much as SD's (of course I would love to keep my sanity) but No child deserves what they are being put through and that upsets me the most.

@Imtrmama My thoughts exactly. I really don't understand why they don't just throw it out. BM hasn't been to a visit since the court date was continued the first time and that was August. ah well. This just gives me a little more time to get prepared. & Thank you. We may not need the luck but it never hurt and with the way BM acts in the court room like she can't see anything at all or hear, the judge felt sorry for her before. If he looks at ANY of the videos, he will see she is playing him.

Chasity08 · October 2014

Pamelacake said:

Thank you all for the words of encouragement. Court was continued again. BM "didn't have transportation" It would have really been nice to know that ahead of time. BM just got it continued last night!
BM got a pro bono atty for a child support review and used that to add all of this onto that case.
Our atty talked to the bartender and she is not willing to say that she has ever seen BM drink so we will not be using her. I understand why she wouldn't, wether BM is pregnant or not, or has been 17 times in the last two years, that's her job on the line, if she had served a pregnant woman alcohol.

Hi lurker coming out here! This part actually is not necessarily true. I don't know about your state, but I've worked in the bars in two different states (I live on a border city of two states) and in neither state could I refuse to serve a pregnant woman. It's considered discrimination. So losing her job over serving a pregnant woman should be of no concern to her if your state is anything like these states.

I do wish you the best, however. I have been following your story and BM sounds like a real peach, but you obviously care deeply for these children and it really shows. You're a great mom.

dmndsr4eva · October 2014

Additionally alcohol and drug related accusations are only substantiated through court ordered drug tests. Otherwise it is just hearsay.

dmndsr4eva · October 2014

Serving to a pregnant woman is not illegal.

Pamelacake · October 2014

@Chasity08 I hadn't thought of it like that. I know some pregnant women drink wine but BM was drinking lots of beer and hard liquor. Either way, I completely understand why she wouldn't want to be involved in the hearing. We didn't ask for her to be subpoenaed. Our atty did, we only found out afterwards.

We do have proof of BM's carelessness from when she had EOWE. After months of not seeing SD's BM called and promised SD's to the moon and stars that she was coming to get them.. 30 minutes after scheduled pickup time SD was calling her. BM hung up on SD while she was crying and asking why she hated her. BM told us she forgot and had to go get beds for SD's so she was furniture shopping... BM was actually at this same establishment and left herself a little paper trail. BM filed a police report and had someone arrested. Granted, this was over a year ago but it was BM's wknd and BM told SD's and us that she would be here.

I don't think it will be necessary but I want to have all corners covered. BM didn't show for the hearing to modify custody and we weren't in there long. The only thing brought up was how much time BM had spent with SD's. I had it broke down into the hours available compared to the hours utilized and the judge's response to DH was asking DH what day and time frame worked best for him.

BM seems to think that we went in there and lied saying that she left SD's at her home by themselves while she went to the bar. We had no reason to say that. 6yo SD did come back from her first overnight in 2012 saying something similar to that but we had no proof of that so drugs and alcohol were not even brought up.

Sorry.. that got long!

dmndsr4eva said:

Additionally alcohol and drug related accusations are only substantiated through court ordered drug tests. Otherwise it is just hearsay.

I know this all too well. When I was fighting for DS it got to the point where I would go into the court room with hair follicle test results in hand every time without it being C/O'd. B/C I was constantly being accused.

When this CO was put in for SD's, BM was most upset about being drug tested. We have plenty of Voicemails on that. We didn't know anything about her being drug tested and don't think she has been but who knows.

Want a personalized experience?

Court, Complicated.. don't know what to focus on now. Advice appreciated (=

Re: Court, Complicated.. don't know what to focus on now. Advice appreciated (=

Choose Another Board

Search Boards